To: dmoss@whitehouse.gov
From: jlyman@whitehouse.gov
Date: Sun Feb 11, 2001 1:02 AM
Subject: Hey
I called your apartmnet, but you werent there. It took
me a while to rember why. SAm told me youd kill him if
I got drunk, I didnt think youd be that mad. Come
home.
Joshy
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To: jlyman@whitehouse.gov
From: dmoss@whitehouse.gov
Date: Sun Feb 11, 2001 7:13 AM
Subject: You didn’t think I’d be that mad, eh?
I leave you alone for one night, Joshua.
ONE DAMN NIGHT! You are supposedly a responsible
adult. I guess the fact that you even made it home
this morning is a good sign. When you’re sober enough
to read this letter call Sam and tell him that his
prediction of my punishment for him is surprisingly
accurate. When I get back I’m goi
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To: dmoss@whitehouse.gov
From: jlyman@whitehouse.gov
Date: Sun Feb 11, 2001 12:43 PM
Subject: What?
You’re going to what? I have a sinking feeling that it
won’t involve a foot rub and scented oils. Or anything
else involving pleasant sensations. All I ask is that
you don’t do anything that will leave permanent
scarring. My fan club would never forgive you.
As for what may or may not have happened last night, I
blame everything on Sam.
Speaking of Sam, he is currently in my apartment
forming an argument to use on you when you come home,
to, you know, convince you not to kill him. He’s
practicing on the mirror and everything. I tried to
tell him that the mob has no mercy, but he just looked
at me funny.
Prepared to grovel,
Josh
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To: dmoss@whitehouse.gov
From: jlyman@whitehouse.gov
Date: Mon Feb 12, 2001 10:04 PM
Subject: Hello?
Is this some way of punishing me? You’re refusing to
communicate with me because I got drunk? As you said,
Donna, I’m an adult. I can make decisions myself, and
I don’t need someone to baby-sit me and tell me what
and what not to do!
That said, I need you to e-mail me back and tell me
which tie to wear with my gray suit. I might have a
date tonight.
E-mail me!
Josh
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To: dmoss@whitehouse.gov
From: jlyman@whitehouse.gov
Date: Mon Feb 12, 2001 4:13 PM
Subject: Where the hell are you?
What have I done to deserve this? I’m stranded in a
city where half of the people hate me by reputation
and everyone I know is working, the pizza guy won’t
deliver to my apartment, and worst of all, you, who as
my trusty assistant and friend should be by my side at
all times, are refusing to even e-mail me! How is a
man supposed to operate under these conditions?
What exactly did I say in my e-mail Saturday night? If
it’s anything of a...personal nature remember that I
may have only had three beers, but just two render me
incapable of coherent thought. You know how I get; I
say stupid things I don’t mean.
E-mail me now!
Josh
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To: dmoss@whitehouse.gov
From: jlyman@whitehouse.gov
Date: Mon Feb 12, 2001 8:45 PM
Subject: DONNA!
Right now I’m supposed to be on a date with an
attractive woman who is not a call girl (Sam
introduced me to her, so you can see why that’s an
important fact), but until you give me some sign that
you’re still breathing I refuse to leave the computer.
You’re ruining my social life, Donna, so get your ass
on the net right now.
Josh
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To: dmoss@whitehouse.gov
From: jlyman@whitehouse.gov
Date: Tue Feb 13, 2001 1:09 AM
Subject: Donna?
Okay, fine, I’m punished already! Just e-mail me to
let me know that you’re alright and I swear I’ll leave
you alone until you get back.
I apologize for everything I have ever said or done
that hurt or offended you in any way. Call or e-mail
me now and I promise I will never do anything stupid
ever again. Yeah, and pigs will fly.
Please call me,
Josh
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To: dmoss@whitehouse.gov
From: jlyman@whitehouse.gov
Date: Tue Feb 13, 2001 12:04 PM
Subject: Where are you?
Okay, I’m sick of being patient. If you don’t contact
me in some way within the next 24 hours I’m telling
the FBI to go and search the entire damn state of
Wisconsin. I’m serious, Donna. Call me or the Feds
will be interviewing your mother by tomorrow
afternoon.
E-mail me, damn it!
Josh
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To: dmoss@whitehouse.gov
From: cjcregg@whitehouse.gov
Date: Wed Feb 14, 2001 12: 35 PM
Subject: He’s driving us insane!
Donna, *please* e-mail Josh before he has a heart
attack. He stormed into the West Wing today, screaming
something about the FBI and ‘those damn dairy cows’.
I’m sure he did something colossally idiotic, but for
now let it go and tell him you’re okay.
So, how’s the vacation so far?
CJ
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To: dmoss@whitehouse.gov
From: jbartlet@whitehouse.gov
Date: Wed Feb 14, 2001 1:03 PM
Subject: Enjoying your vacation?
Donna,
I just finished a very interesting conversation with
your boss. He seems to think that something dire and
tragic has happened to you because you refuse to speak
to him during your vacation time. Although I can think
of many other reasons why you would ignore him, I
think it would be best if you called the office and
let everyone know that you are, in fact, still among
the living. I hope you're enjoying your time in what
Josh insisted on calling ‘the Dairy State’, though
California is actually the country’s largest producer
of dairy products. In fact, in 1997 California cows
produced an average if 21,000 gallons of dairy
products each, while Wisconsin cows only produced an
average of 17,000 gallons. Though, of course, you
probably already knew that.
Jed Bartlet
Postscript: Don't worry about Josh. We can handle him
until you get back, though I must admit my respect for
you increases by the minute. And people say *I'm*
difficult to deal with.