Things.

These are quotes I have collected over the years. I love submissions! BTW, most of thse are taken from e-mail my perants and their friends have received.

Ineffective Daily Affirmations
~As I let go of my shoulds and feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
~I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia
~I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
~I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
~In some cultures, what I do would be considered normal.
~Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
~My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgement.
~I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.
~I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
~Joan of Arc heard voices too.
~I am grateful that I am not as judgemental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
~I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
~As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
~When someone hurts me, forgiveness in cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
~The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.]
~As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
~All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
~I am at one with my duality.
~Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
~I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
~Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
~Does my quite self-pity get to me? Yes? Or should I move up to incessant nagging?
~Today I will gladly share my experiance and advice, because there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
~False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
~A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
~Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
~Who should I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
~Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
~The complete lack of evidance is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
~I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
~Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step- blaming my parents.
~To understand all is to fear all.
~I will find humour in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
~The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not at home.
~My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass?
~To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
~I am willing to make the mistakes of someone else is willing to learn from them.

Five doctors went duck shooting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist. (for those of you who don't know what these words mean, GP stands for General Practioner, they refer people to specialists sometimes, a pediatrician works with kids, and a pathologist is a doctor who does autopies and stuff on dead bodies. Surgeon and psychiatrist should be pretty well known, as well as self-explanatory.)
After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.
Another bird appeared in teh sky thereafter. This time the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He, too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.
Finally a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!!
The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. "go see if that was a duck, will you?"

Answering Machine Message at the Mental Health Institute
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
-If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
-If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press two for you.
-If you have mulitple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
-If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
-If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which button to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press no one will answer.
-If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
-If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
-If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
-If you have post-traumatic stress diorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
-If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Please wait for the beep.
-If you have short-term memory loss, press9. If you have short-term memory loss, press9. If you have short-term memory loss, press9. If you have short-term memory loss, press9.
-If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

Take me away from all the insanity!