more18.html
Back to DoXstader More Stuff
WARNING: This is a DoXstader experimental writing, rip&steal, cut&paste extravaganza.
This is not an original work. See end of page for proper credit.
Anna Mull: Lover, Prostitute, Criminal
INT. THE MANOR KITCHENS
Nit is plucking a goose. Doxstader is sitting at the table.
DOXSTADER
Oh God! Bills, bills, bills. One is
born, one runs up bills, one dies!
And what have I got to show for it?
Nothing. A butler's uniform and a slightly
effeminate hairdo!
Honestly Nit, I sometimes feel like
a pelican - whichever way I turn,
I've still got an enormous bill in
front of me. Pass the biscuit barrel.
(Nit does so)
Let's see what's in the kitty shall
we?
(shakes out a few coins)
Ninepence! Oh God, what are we
going to do?
NIT
Don't worry Mr D., I have a cunning
plan to solve the problem.
DOXSTADER
Yes Nit, let us not forget that you
tried to solve the problem of your
mother's low ceiling by cutting off
her head.
NIT
But this is a really good one. You
become a dashing highwayman, then
you can pay all your bills and, on
top of that, everyone will want to
sleep with you.
DOXSTADER
Nit, I could become a prostitute
and pay my bills, then everyone
would want to sleep with me - but I
do consider certain professions beneath
me. But besides which, I fail to
see why a common thief should be idolized,
just because he has a horse between
his legs.
NIT
My favorite's the Filch.
(Admiringly)
What a man! They say he's half-way
to being the new Robin Hood.
DOXSTADER
Why only half-way?
NIT
Well he steals from the rich, but
he hasn't got round to giving it to
the poor yet. Look! I've got a
poster of him.
Nit holds up a poster which reads "Wanted for Hanging, The Filch.
Reward..."
DOXSTADER
Nit, I have no desire to get hung
for wearing a silly hat. If I want
to get rich quick, all I have to do
is go upstairs and ask Lord Fathead for
a rise.
The Lord rings.
DOXSTADER
Oops! The bank's open!
INT. THE LORD'S LOUNGE IN THE MANOR
DOXSTADER
Good morning sir. May I say how
*immensely* rich you're looking?
Now, was there anything you wanted?
Anything at all?
LORD SWISHCHARD
Well yes, old fellow, I was
wondering if you could possibly lend
me a bit of cash.
DOXSTADER
But of course sir. I- cash?
LORD SWISHCHARD
Yes, I'm rotten stinking stoning
stinking broke!
DOXSTADER
But sir, what about the five
thousand pounds that the council voted
you only last week to drink
yourself to death with?
LORD SWISHCHARD
All gone I'm afraid. You see, I've
discovered this terrifically fun
new game. It's called "cards". What
happens is, you sit round the table
with your friends, and you deal out
five "cards" each, and then the object
of the game is to give away all
your money as quickly as possible.
Do you know it?
DOXSTADER
Vaguely sir, yes.
LORD SWISHCHARD
All the chaps say I'm terrific at
it.
DOXSTADER
I seem to remember I was very bad
at it. I always seemed to end up
with more money than I started
with.
LORD SWISHCHARD
Yes, well, it's all down to
practice. I'm a natural apparently.
The only drawback, of course, is
that it's pretty damned expensive. So,
basically, I was wondering if you
could lend me a couple of hundred.
DOXSTADER
I'm afraid that's impossible sir.
I'm as poor as a church mouse
that's just had an enormous tax
bill on the very day his wife ran
off with another mouse, taking all
the cheese.
LORD SWISHCHARD
Well what am I going to do?
DOXSTADER
Yes, it's a difficult one.
LORD SWISHCHARD
Hmm.
DOXSTADER
Let's see now. You can't borrow
money, you're not going to inherit
any money and obviously you can't
earn money. Sir, sir, drastic situations
call for drastic measures. If you
can't make money, you'll have to marry
it.
LORD SWISHCHARD
Marry? Never! I'm a gay bachelor,
Doxstader. I'm a roarer, a rogerer,
a gorger and a puker! I can't
marry, I'm young, I'm firm
buttocked, I'm...
DOXSTADER
Broke?
LORD SWISHCHARD
Well, yes, I suppose so.
DOXSTADER
And don't forget, sir, that the
modern Church smiles on roaring and
gorging within wedlock, and indeed
rogering is keenly encouraged.
LORD SWISHCHARD
And the puking?
DOXSTADER
Mmm, I believe still very much
down to the conscience of the
individual church-goer.
LORD SWISHCHARD
Well yes, tally-ho then Doxstader.
Yes, you fix it up. You know the
kind of girls I like, they've got
to be lovers, laughers, dancers...
DOXSTADER
And bonkers!
LORD SWISHCHARD
That goes without saying!
INT. THE MANOR KITCHENS
Doxstader is leafing through a book, while in the background Nit
is pulling the giblets out of his bird.
DOXSTADER
Oh God!
NIT
Something wrong, Mr D.?
DOXSTADER
I can't find a single person
suitable to marry the Lord.
NIT
Oh please keep trying. I love a
wedding. The excitement, the crowds,
the souvenir mugs, the worrying
about whether the bride's lost
weight.
DOXSTADER
Unlikely with this lot I'm afraid.
If the Lord had stipulated "must
weigh a quarter of a ton" we'd be
laughing. Of the 262 women in the
New York, 165 are over 80, they're
out, 47 are under 10, they're out,
and 39 are mad.
NIT
Well they sound ideal.
DOXSTADER
Well they would be if they hadn't
all got married last week in Albany
to the same horse. Which leaves us
with two.
NIT
And what about them?
DOXSTADER
Well, there's Sara of Ticonderoga.
We'll never get her to marry him.
NIT
Why not?
DOXSTADER
Because she's *met* him.
NIT
Which leaves?
DOXSTADER
Drusilla of Niagara as the only
available young women in
NIT
And what's wrong with her?
DOXSTADER
"Get more coffee! It's horrid!
Change it! Take me roughly from
behind! No, not like that, like
this! Trousers off! Tackle out!
Walk the dog! Where's my presents?"
NIT
(flustered)
All right! Which one do you want me
to do first?
DOXSTADER
No, that's what Drusilla's like.
She is famous for having the worst
personality in New York. And as you
can imagine, that's up against some pretty
stiff competition.
NIT
So you're stuck then.
DOXSTADER
Yes, I'm afraid I am. Unless, oh
unless! Pass me the paper Nit
quick.
(he opens the paper)
Nit, why has half the front page
been cut out?
NIT
I don't know.
DOXSTADER
You do know, don't you?
NIT
Yes.
DOXSTADER
You've been cutting out the
cuttings about the elusive Filch to
put in your highwayman's scrapbook
haven't you?
NIT
Oh, I can't help it Mr D. His life
is so dark and shadowy and full of
fear and trepidation.
DOXSTADER
So is going to the toilet in the
middle of the night, but you don't
keep a scrapbook on it.
NIT
(surprised)
I do.
DOXSTADER
Let's see. Now let's see, society
pages. You see, it needn't necessarily
be a young women. All the Lord
wants is someone pretty and rich.
NIT
Oh dear, that rules me out then.
DOXSTADER
Now, let me see. "Beau Brummel in
purple pants probe." "Governor
talks to tree." Phew what a loony!
God, the Times Union has really gone
downhill recently hasn't it! Aha.
Listen to this, listen to this: "Mysterious
Northern beauty, Miss Anna Mull,
comes to Albany and spends flipping
great wads of cash!" That's our
baby!
INT. THE LORD'S BEDROOM
Doxstader is brushing down the Lord's jacket.
LORD SWISHCHARD
Honestly Doxstader, I don't know
why I'm bothering to get dressed.
As soon as I get to the Naughty
Hellfire Club I'll be debagged and radished
for non-payment of debts.
DOXSTADER
Radished, sir?
LORD SWISHCHARD
Yes, they pull your breeches down
and push a large radish right up
your-
DOXSTADER
Yes, yes, yes, all right. There's
no need to hammer it home.
LORD SWISHCHARD
Well as a matter of fact they do
often have to-
DOXSTADER
No, no! No! Your em, your money
worries are, are, are over sir.
LORD SWISHCHARD
Well hooray for that!
DOXSTADER
I have found you a bride. Her name
is Anna, daughter of the noted
industrialist, Mr Mull.
LORD SWISHCHARD
Oh dammit Doxstader, you know I
loathe industrialists. Sad, balding,
little proles in their "damn your
eyes" whiskers. All puffed up just because
they know where to put the legs on
a a pair of trousers.
DOXSTADER
Eh, believe me, these people are
the future. This man probably owns
half of New England. His family's
got more mills than, than you've
got brain cells.
LORD SWISHCHARD
How many mills?
DOXSTADER
Seven sir.
LORD SWISHCHARD
Quite a lot of mills then.
DOXSTADER
Yes. He has patented a machine
called "The raveling Nancy".
LORD SWISHCHARD
Mmm, what does it do?
DOXSTADER
It ravels cotton sir.
LORD SWISHCHARD
What for?
DOXSTADER
That I cannot say sir. I am one of
these people who are quite happy to
wear cotton, but have no idea how
it works. She is also a beauty,
sir.
LORD SWISHCHARD
Well if she's gonna be my bird,
she'd better be! Right, so what's
the plan?
DOXSTADER
Well I thought I could take her a
short note expressing your honorable
intentions.
LORD SWISHCHARD
Yes, yes, I think so too. All right
then, well take this down. Eh,
"From the Lord of New Whales to
Miss Anna Mull. Tally-ho my fine
saucy young trollop! Your luck's
in! Trip along here with all your
cash, and some naughty night
attire, and you'll be staring at my
bedroom ceiling from now till
Christmas, you lucky tart! Yours
with the deepest respect etc,
signed Joey. PS Woof woof!"
Well, what do you think?
DOXSTADER
It's very *moving* sir. Would you
mind if I change just one tiny
aspect of it?
LORD SWISHCHARD
Which one?
DOXSTADER
The words.
LORD SWISHCHARD
Oh yes, I'll, I'll, I'll leave the
details to you Doxstader. Just make
sure she knows I'm all man... with
a bit of animal thrown in. Rrrrgh!
DOXSTADER
Certainly sir.
Scores out the Lord's letter
INT. THE HOME OF ANNA MULL
DOXSTADER
From the Lord of New Whales to Miss
Anna Mull:- "The upturned tilt of
you tiny wee nosy, smells as sweet
as a great big posy." Fanciful
stuff of course madam, but, but
from the heart.
ANNA
He says my nosy is tiny ?
DOXSTADER
And wee, madam.
ANNA
Well he must be an awful clever
clogs, because you see, my nosy is
tiny, and so wee, that I sometimes
think the pixies gave it to me!
DOXSTADER
He continues. "Oh Lady Anna, queen
of all your sex." I apologize for
the word, madam, but Lord Joey is a
man of passion.
ANNA
Oh, don't worry, I can get pretty
cross myself sometimes. Tell me Mr.
Doxstader, I've heard a teensy
rumor that the Lord has the manners
of a boy cow's dingle dangle. What
do you have to say to that?
DOXSTADER
Oh, that is a lie madam. Lord Joey
is shy and just pretends to be
bluff and crass and unbelievably
thick and gittish, whilst deep down
he is a soft little marshmallowy,
pigletty type of creature.
ANNA
Oh I'm so glad, because you see,
I'm a delicate tiny thing myself,
weak and silly and like a little
fluffy rabbit. So I could never marry
a horrible heffalump, or I might
get squished. Tell me, when can I
meet the lovely Lord?
DOXSTADER
(surprised)
You want to meet him?
ANNA
Well if we're going to get married
I think I probably ought to. I
know! Tell him to come and serenade
me tonight. I'll be on my balcony
in my jim-jams.
DOXSTADER
Certainly madam.
Mr Mull enters.
MR. MULL
Ê Ay up! Who's this big girl's
blouse then?
ANNA
Father, this is Mr. Doxstader, he's
come a-wooing from the Lord.
DOXSTADER
You have a beautiful and charming
daughter, sir.
MR. MULL
Ê Indeed I do. I love her more than
any pig, and that's saying summit!
DOXSTADER
It certainly is.
MR. MULL
Ê And let me tell you, I'd no more
place her in the hands of an
unworthy man than I'd place my John
Thomas in the hands of a lunatic
with a pair of scissors.
DOXSTADER
An attitude that does you credit
sir.
MR. MULL
Ê I'd rather take off all my
clothes and paint my bottom blue
than give her to a man who didn't
love her!
DOXSTADER
What self-respecting father could
do more ?
MR. MULL
Ê On the other hand, if he's a
Lord, he can have her for ten bob
and a pickled egg.
DOXSTADER
I can see where your daughter gets
her ready wit, sir.
MR. MULL
Ê I thank you.
DOXSTADER
Although where she gets her good
looks and charm is perhaps more of
a mystery.
MR. MULL
Ê No one ever made money out of
good looks and charm.
DOXSTADER
You obviously haven't met Lady
Hamilton, sir.
( bows slightly and leaves)
INT. THE MANOR KITCHENS
Nit is forcing stuffing into his goose.
DOXSTADER
I tell you Nit, I'm not looking
forward to this evening. Trying to
serenade a light fluffy bunny of a
girl in the company of an arrogant
half Canadian yob with a mad dad.
NIT
Well, he is the Lord of New Whales.
DOXSTADER
Have you ever been to New Whales,
Nit?
NIT
No, but I've often thought I'd like
to.
DOXSTADER
Well don't, it's a ghastly place.
Huge gangs of tough sinewy men roam
the valleys terrifying people with
their close harmony singing. You
need half a pint of phlegm in your
throat just to pronounce the place
names. Never ask for directions in
New Whales Nit, you'll be washing
spit out of your hair for a
fortnight.
NIT
So, eh, being Lord of it isn't
considered a plus?
Hammers a large orange into the goose
DOXSTADER
I fear not, no. But the crucial
thing is that they must never be
left alone together before the
marriage.
NIT
But isn't that a bit unfair on her?
DOXSTADER
Well it's not exactly fair on him
either. The girl is wetter than a
haddock's bathing costume. But you
know Nit, the world isn't fair. If
it was, things like this wouldn't
happen would they?
Hits Nit around the back of the head.
EXT. UNDER ANNA'S BALCONY
The Lord and Doxstader are hiding behind some bushes. They speak
in whispers.
LORD SWISHCHARD
All right, so what's the plan? Shin
up the drain and ask her if she'll
take delivery of your consignment
of Canadian sausage?
DOXSTADER
No sir, as we rehearsed, poetry
first, sausage later.
LORD SWISHCHARD
Right. So what do you think?
"Harold the Horny Hunter" should do
the trick.
DOXSTADER
Just remind me of it, sir?
LORD SWISHCHARD
(loudly)
"Harold the Horny hunter, had an enormous
horn..."
DOXSTADER
Shh, yes, yes. It is absolutely
excellent sir, however, might I
suggest an alternative?
Hands the Lord a poem
LORD SWISHCHARD
"Lovely little dumpling, how in
love I am. Let me be your
shepardkins, you can be my lamb."
Well, I think we'll be very lucky
if she doesn't just come out onto
the balcony and vomit over us, but still,
let's give it a whirl.
DOXSTADER
Just stand right here sir. Call for
her romantically.
LORD SWISHCHARD
Right.
(shouts)
Oy! Come on out here, you rollicking
trolloping sauce bottle!
ANNA
Joey?
LORD SWISHCHARD
Woof woof!
Anna appears on the balcony. Doxstader grabs the Lord, covering
his mouth.
ANNA
Is that you?
DOXSTADER
Y-y-yes, yes 'tis I, your gorgeous
little love bundle.
ANNA
Oh Joey, I think you must be the
snuggly wuggliest lambkin in the
whole of Toyland.
LORD SWISHCHARD
yuck!
Doxstader silences him again.
ANNA
What was that?
DOXSTADER
Am, em. Nothing, there was just a
little fly in my throaty. yuck!
Yuck!
ANNA
Do you want a hanky-wanky to gob
the phlegmy wemmy woo into?
She leans over the balcony, pulling a handkerchief from the top
of her dress.
LORD SWISHCHARD
Phwoah! Crikey!
ANNA
Oh, what was that? Is there someone
down there with you?
DOXSTADER
No, no, no, it was just the wind
whistling through the trees and
making a noise that sounded like
"phwoaaaah.. crikeeeeee".
ANNA
Oh joy! Then come Lord Cuddly
kitten, climb up my ivy.
LORD SWISHCHARD
Sausage time!
(strides forward)
ANNA
There is someone down there with
you!
DOXSTADER
Oh my God, yes, yes, so there is. A
filthy intruder spying on our love.
ANNA
Oh hit him Joey, hit him!
DOXSTADER
Very well.
(whispers to the Lord)
Would you mind screaming, Your
Lordship.
(loudly)
Take that.
(punches him in the face)
And that!
(knees him in the groin)
And that!
(hits his back)
The Lord falls to the ground
ANNA
Oh, oh, oh you're so brave! And I'm
so worn out with all the excitement
that I'd better go sleepy-bo-bos,
otherwise I'll be all cross in the
morning. Nighty-night Joey Poey!
DOXSTADER
Nighty-wighty Anna-wamy.
She vanishes
( to the Lord)
I think it worked, sir. In the
morning I shall go in and ask her
father; you go out and start
spending his money. I can't stand
meanness when it comes to wedding
presents. And well done sir, you
were brilliant.
LORD SWISHCHARD
Was I?
DOXSTADER
Yes sir.
LORD SWISHCHARD
But I'm in agony!
DOXSTADER
Well, that's love for you.
INT. THE HOME OF ANNA MULL
DOXSTADER
Sir, I come as emissary of the Lord
of New Whales with the most
splendid news. He wants your
daughter Anna for his wife.
MR. MULL
Ê Well his wife can't have her!
Outrageous, sir, to come here with
such a suggestion!
(stands up angrily)
Why, sir, or I shall take off my
belt and by thunder me trousers
will fall down!
DOXSTADER
No sir. Sir, you misunderstand. He
wants to marry your lovely
daughter.
MR. MULL
Ê Ah, ah.
(falls back into his chair,
amazed)
Can it be possibly true? Surely
love has never crossed such boundaries
of class?
(clutches Anna's hand)
ANNA
But what about you and Mum?
MR. MULL
Ê Well yes, yes, I grant thee when
I first met her I was the farmer's
son and she was just the lass who
ate the dung, but that was an
exception.
ANNA
And Aunty Peg and Uncle Ted.
MR. MULL
Ê Yes, yes alright, he was a pig
poker and she was the Duchess of
Argyle, but-
ANNA
And Aunty Kate and Uncle Leif, she
was a milkmaid and he was-
MR. MULL
Ê The Pope! Yes, yes, all right.
Don't argue. Suffice it to say if
you marry we need never be poor or
hungry again. Sir, we accept.
DOXSTADER
Good. So obviously you'll be
wanting an enormous cer-e-mon-y-
what did you say?
MR. MULL
Ê Well obviously, eh, now we're
marrying quality, we'll never be
poor or hungry again.
DOXSTADER
Meaning that you're poor and hungry
at the moment?
MR. MULL
( Ê with feeling)
Oh yes! We've been living off lard
botties for five years now. I'm so
poor I use my underpants for
DOXSTADER
So you're skint?
MR. MULL
Ê Aye.
DOXSTADER
Well in that case, the wedding's
off. Good day.
ANNA
Oh but what about Joey's
lovely-wovey poems that won
DOXSTADER
All writteny witteny by mewee I'm
afraidy-waidy. Goodbye.
INT. THE LORD'S LOUNGE IN THE MANOR
Doxstader
Sir, you know I told you to go out
and spend a lot of money on wedding
presents, well appar-
LORD SWISHCHARD
(sitting amongst a huge
collection of glittering
objects)
Yes?
DOXSTADER
Nothing.
THE MANOR KITCHENS
Doxstader enters, putting on a large black cape.
DOXSTADER
Crisis Nit, crisis! No marriage, no
money, more bills! For the first
time in my life I've decided to
follow a suggestion of yours.
Saddle Lord Joey's horse.
NIT
Oh sir, you're not going to become
a highwayman, are you?
DOXSTADER
No, I'm auditioning for the part of
Arnold the Bat in Patrick's new
comedy.
NIT
Oh, that's all right then.
DOXSTADER
Nit, have you no idea what irony
is?
NIT
Yeah, it's like goldy and bronzy,
only it's made of iron.
DOXSTADER
Never mind, never mind, just saddle
the Lord's horse.
NIT
That'll be difficult, he wrapped it
round that gas lamp in the village
last night.
DOXSTADER
Well saddle my horse then.
NIT
What d'you think you've been eating
for the last two months?
DOXSTADER
Well go out into the street and
hire me a horse.
NIT
Hire you a horse? For ninepence? On
Jewish New Year in the rain? A bare
fortnight after the dreaded horse
plague of old Albany Town? With the
blacksmith's strike in its
fifteenth week and the Province
Town horse fetishists fair
tomorrow?
DOXSTADER
Right, well get this on then.
(hands Nit a bridle and bit)
It looks as though you could do
with the exercise.
EXT. ROBBING THE BATES COACH
Kadrainya
Honestly Papa. Ever since Mother
died you've tried to stop me
growing up. I'm not a little girl,
I'm a grown woman. In fact I might
as well tell you now Papa: I'm
pregnant, and I'm an opium fiend,
and I'm in love with a poet called
Fairchild who's a famous whoopsy,
and Mother didn't die, I killed
her!
MASTER OF BATES
Oh.
(cheerily)
Well, never mind.
DOXSTADER
( off-screen)
Stand and deliver!
The coach starts to pull up
MASTER OF BATES
Oh no! Oh no no no no no, disaster!
It's the Filch. We're doomed,
doomed!
DOXSTADER
(Draws up outside the window)
Ah, good evening Master, and the
lovely Miss Bates. Your cash bags
please.
(The Master hands him a bag of
money)
There we are.
MASTER OF BATES
You'll never get away with this,
you scoundrel, you'll be caught and
damn well hung!
KADRAINYA
(to camera)
I think he looks pretty well-
DOXSTADER
Madam, please, no jests about me
looking pretty well hung already,
we have no time.
KADRAINYA
Pity.
DOXSTADER
Now sir, turn out your pockets.
MASTER OF BATES
Never sir. A man's pockets are his
own private kingdom. I'll protect
them with my life!
DOXSTADER
Oh I see, you've got something
embarrassing in there have you?
Perhaps a particularly repulsive
handkerchief, hmm? One of those
fellows who has a big blow and then
doesn't change it for a week? Let's have
a look shall we?
(takes the handkerchief and
pulls out a jewel)
Aha!
KADRAINYA
Highwayman, I also have a jewel. I
fear however that I have placed it
here, beneath my petticoats, for
protection.
DOXSTADER
Well in that case madam, I think
I'll leave it. I'm not sure I fancy
the idea of a jewel that's been in
someone's knickers. A single kiss
of those soft lips is all I
require.
MASTER OF BATES
Never sir! A man's soft lips are
his own private kingdom. I shall
defend them with my life.
DOXSTADER
I'm not talking to you, Grandad.
KADRAINYA
(kisses him long and hard)
Oh, I'm overcome. Take me with you
to live the life of the wild rogue,
cuddling under haystacks and making
love in the branches of tall trees!
DOXSTADER
Madam, sadly I must decline. I fear
my horse would collapse with you on
top of him as well as me!
NIT
(appears next to Doxstader,
wearing his harness)
I could try!
DOXSTADER
No Quicksilver, you couldn't.
NIT
But that's not fair then. I've had
you on my back for ten miles and I
haven't even got a kiss out of it.
DOXSTADER
Oh alright, very well then.
(kisses Nit)
All fair now?
NIT
Not really, no.
DOXSTADER
Teh, no pleasing some horses. Hi-ho
Quicksilver.
NIT
Neiighh!
KADRAINYA
(accusingly)
Papa, you did nothing to defend
MASTER OF BATES
Oh shut your mush, you pregnant
junky fag-hag!
EXT. A GRASSY KNOLL IN THE FOREST
DOXSTADER
Well Nit, a good night's work I
think. It's time to divide the
loot, and I think it's only fair
that we should share it equally.
NIT
Which I suppose is highwayman's
talk for you get the cash, I get
the snotty hanky.
DOXSTADER
No, no. No, we did this robbery
together, so you get half the cash.
Hands him a money-bag
NIT
Oh, thank you Mr D.
DOXSTADER
This robbery, on the other hand,
I'm doing alone.
(holds his pistol to Nit's
head)
Hand it over, your money or your
life!
(Nit complies )
You see? All fair and above board.
NIT
Fair enough. As long as I haven't
been cheated, I don't mind.
FILCH
Hands up! I am the Filch and I
never miss.
DOXSTADER
Oh no.
FILCH
You, the one that looks like a
dog's arse.
DOXSTADER
He's talking to you Nit.
FILCH
Skedaddle.
(Shoots at Nit's feet; Nit
runs away)
So who have we here?
(takes off Doxstader's cap)
Well, a well set up fellow indeed.
Sir, a kiss.
DOXSTADER
Sorry, I'm not sure I heard that
correctly.
FILCH
Oh dear, maybe your ears need
unblocking.
Holds his gun to Doxstader's head
DOXSTADER
Oh I see, a kiss, oh of course, of
course, of course, and then perhaps
a little light supper, some
dancing, who, who knows where it
might lead?
The Filch wraps his cloak around Doxstader, kisses him, and then
sweeps off his cap revealing long golden hair. It is Anna
Mull.
DOXSTADER
Good lord! It's you!
ANNA
(deep Filch voice)
Of course.
DOXSTADER
But your voice, it's-
ANNA
(normal voice)
Clever, isn't it?
DOXSTADER
Does your father know you're out?
ANNA
He had to go.
DOXSTADER
You mean he's dead?
ANNA
Yes, dead as that squirrel!
DOXSTADER
Which squirrel?
(she shoots a squirrel, which
falls with an "eep" and a
thud)
Oh, that squirrel. Of course, you
killed him for ruining your chances
of marrying Lord Joey.
ANNA
Huh? I despise the Lord. Don't you
know it's you I want? I want a real
man. A man who can sew on a button.
A man who knows where the towels
are kept. And yes, I crave your
fabulous sinewy body.
DOXSTADER
Well, you're only human.
ANNA
Here's the plan, brown eyes. You
rob the Lord of everything he's
got, right down to the clothes he's
standing in. I'll get my stash and
meet you here and then we'll run
away to the West Indies.
DOXSTADER
Well I don't know I'll have to
think about it.
(brief pause)
I've thought about it, it's a
brilliant plan. I'll see
Anna shoots another squirrel - "eep", thud.
INT. THE MANOR KITCHENS
DOXSTADER
(finishing loading up a
wheelbarrow of valuables)
Right, I'm off.
NIT
Oh sir, but what about the danger?
Look, the reward is going up day by
day.
Holds up a poster, "Reward 5000 pounds"
DOXSTADER
Pah! I laugh in the face of danger.
I drop ice cubes down the vest of
fear. Things couldn't be better
Nit. She'll get me abroad and make
me rich, then I'll probably drop
her and get two hundred concubines
to share my bed.
NIT
Won't they be rather prickly?
DOXSTADER
Concubines Nit, not porcupines.
NIT
Oh. I still can't believe you're
leaving me behind.
DOXSTADER
Oh, don't you worry. When we're
established on our plantation in
Barbados, I'll send for you. No
more sad little Albany for you Nitsy,
from now on you will stand out in
life as an individual.
NIT
Will I?
DOXSTADER
Well of course you will, all the
other slaves will be black.
Doxstader starts to wheel out his barrow; Mrs. Muffin
MRS. MUFFIN
Oh! Mr Doxstader, oh, what's all
this I hear about you buying a
bathing costume and forty gallons
of coconut oil? Are you going
abroad then sir?
DOXSTADER
Yes, I'm off.
MRS. MUFFIN
Oh sir, what a tragic end to all my
dreams. And I'd always hoped that
you'd settle down and marry me and
that together we might await the
slither of tiny Staders.
She sobs against Doxstader's chest
DOXSTADER
Mrs M., if we were the last three
humans on Earth, I'd be trying to
start a family with Nit!
Mrs. Muffin screams and cries.
EXT. A GRASSY KNOLL IN THE FOREST
DOXSTADER
Well, here I am, all packed and
ready to go.
ANNA
Oh darling, I'm so pleased to see
you, and I've got a little surprise
for you. Close your eyes and open
your mouth.
DOXSTADER
(does so )
Mmmm.
ANNA
(Points her pistol in
Doxstader's mouth)
Ha, ha. Hand over the loot, goat
brains!
DOXSTADER
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I, I always
said the bedrock of a good
relationship was being able to
laugh together. Good, well done.
So, which way to Barbados?
ANNA
You're not going to Barbados. Get
away from the cart, Mr Slimey, or
I'll fill you so full of lead we
could sharpen your head and call you
a pencil.
DOXSTADER
This is turning into a really
rotten evening.
ANNA
Yes, well you better make the most
of it, because it's your last. And
it's a pity, because it's usually
against my principles to shoot dumb
animals.
DOXSTADER
Except squirrels?
ANNA
Yes! Bastards! I hate them with
their long tails and their stupid
twitchy noses.
(shoots two squirrels, "eep",
"eep")
I shall return at midnight to
collect the loot, when I'll fill
you so full of holes I could market
you as a new Swiss cheese!
(Filch voice)
Ha ha ha ha ha!
DOXSTADER
Oh God! What a way to die! Shot by
a transvestite on an unrealistic
grassy knoll!
Nit wanders up.
NIT
Morning Mr D.
DOXSTADER
Ni- Nit? Nit! Thank you for
introducing me to a genuinely new
experience.
NIT
What experience is that?
DOXSTADER
Being pleased to see you! Now what
are you doing here, you revolting
animal?
NIT
I've come for the Filch's
autograph. You know I'm a great fan
of the Filch's.
DOXSTADER
Yes, yes, just untie me Nit, come
on.
NIT
What, has he gone? Oh what a pity,
I wanted him to autograph my new
poster. Look, his reward has gone
up to ten thousand pounds.
DOXSTADER
Good lord, ten thousand pounds.
NIT
Yep.
DOXSTADER
That gives me an idea. Nit, take
this cartload of loot back to the
palace and meet me back here at
midnight, with ten soldiers, a restless
lynch mob and a small portable
gallows.
INT. THE LORD'S BEDROOM
Doxstader enters with the Lord's breakfast tray.
LORD SWISHCHARD
Aha, brekkers! I could eat fourteen
trays of it this morning and still
have room for a dolphin on toast!
DOXSTADER
Any particular reason for this
gluttonous levity sir?
LORD SWISHCHARD
Well, what do you think Doxstader,
I'm in love! I'm in love, I'm in
love, I'm in love. Oh Anna, bless
all ten of your tiny little
pinkies. Oh, let's see what's in
the paper.
(reads)
Oh my God, she's been arrested and
hanged!
DOXSTADER
(casually )
Oh really?
LORD SWISHCHARD
It turns out she was a highwayman!
DOXSTADER
Teh, these modern girls.
LORD SWISHCHARD
Apparently someone tipped off the
authorities and collected the ten
thousand pound reward. What a
greasy sneak. Oh, if only I could
get my hands on him.
DOXSTADER
Teh, you can't trust anyone these
days sir.
LORD SWISHCHARD
It says here that she had an
accomplice.
Alarmed, Doxstader drops the breakfast tray.
LORD SWISHCHARD
But they don't know who it was.
The tray flies back up unto Doxstader's hands.
LORD SWISHCHARD
Anna, Anna, Anna, I shall never
forget you, never ever, ever ever!
(sobs into his pillow)
(Right, what's for breakfast?)
DOXSTADER
Kedgeree, sir.
(a dish of rice and
hard-boiled eggs and cooked
flaked fish )
LORD SWISHCHARD
Great. Actually, come to think of
it Doxstader, I didn't need to get
married anyway. I've got pots of
money.
DOXSTADER
Really?
LORD SWISHCHARD
Mmm. The most extraordinary thing
happened. I was a bit peckish
during the night, so I nipped
downstairs to the biscuit barrel.
DOXSTADER
(worried )
The biscuit barrel?
LORD SWISHCHARD
And do you know what I found
inside?
(Doxstader nods despairingly)
Ten thousand pounds that I never
knew I had! I've got so much money
now I don't know what to do with
it!
DOXSTADER
How about a game of cards sir?
LORD SWISHCHARD
Excellent idea!
AMY and AMIABILITY (C) BBC MCMLXXXVII