The Stupable

The Stupable

DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Sir Blanchard, the King's Agent
Dochstader, Dockstader, and Doxastder (The Staders)
Frenchman
Woman, of the village
Jailkeeper
Woman (The Widow Blair)
Soldiers
Ugly Man
Mob
Old Lady

The Scene is laid in Canada 1690

SCENE 1 A room full of people. 

(Fade in. About a dozen rancid individuals and two well dressed men. Center stage.)

SIR BLANCHARD: "...I, Sir Joseph Blanchard, the King's own agent, do, (on behalf
of the King of England) offer this bag of gold and bale of beaver pelts as a ransom
for these loyal subjects of England taken by French forces in a raid on His Majesty's colonies.

FRENCHMAN: "Merci, Sir Blanchard. Go in peace."

(The three Staders emerge from the back of the crowd.)

DOCHS: "Thanks a lot, Blanchy, old boy!"

DOCKS: "You won't regret this Cap'n."

DOX: "Shalom!" (Kisses Blanchard on both cheeks.)

(Doch slaps Dox.)

DOCHS: "What ya gettin personnal for?"

(More slapping, fade out.)


SCENE 2 Night scene

(Fade in. The Staders are waiting nervously in front of bushes.)

DOCKS: "He better get here soon or we'll miss our canoe back home."

DOCHS: "Don't worry, he'll be here. I..."

(Doch is interuppted by a sound from the bushes.)

"Psst!"

(Doch turns to Dox with anger.)

DOCHS: "I thought I told you to lay off the lutefisk and bratwurst!" (Doch slaps Dox.)

(Sound from the bushes) "Psst! Psst!"

(Doch turns to Dock.)

DOCHS: "What! you too! You'se guys are pollutin the air!" (More slapping.)

(A Frenchman emerges from the bushes with a small bag.)

FRENCHMAN: "Gentlemen! Please! Here is your share of the ransom."

DOCHS: "Thanks, Mon Sewer. See ya in a couple of months."

DOX: "Yeah, we're planning a snow party in Deerfield. You guys should make a killing!"

(The Frenchman exits as the Staders shout.)

STADERS: "So long! Give our best to Champagne!"

(The Staders walk off counting their ransom share.)

DOCHS: "Not a bad racket we've got here. Turning over Englishmen for a cut of the ransom."

(The Staders walk right into Sir Blanchard and two armed men.)

BLANCHARD: "So!"

STADERS: "Nnyaaahhh!"

(A flurry of chaos as the boys slap their way to freedom.)

(Fade out on an anger visage of Blanchard.)


SCENE 3 Camp

(Fade in on the boys setting up camp.)

DOCKS: "Well. There goes another dishonest buck."

DOCHS: "I guess it's time we went legit and became slave traders or scalp hunters."

DOX: "We tried scalp huntin' *last* year."

DOCHS: "I know. And we'd still be at it if we hadn't sold the scalp buyer his own scalp.
The lousy ingrate. You'd think he'd be happy to get it back! Anyway we saved up enough
dough to go home and marry the girls!"

DOCHS: "Stella!"

DOCKS: "Bella!"

DOX: "Fella!"

DOCKS: "What about that Blanchard character?"

DOCHS: "Aw, don't worry about him! He's the Kings man. He'll go back to England."

DOX: "Coffee's ready!"

DOCHS: "Give me a cup. No cream!"

DOX: (Brings Dochs a cup of coffee.) "We don't have any cream. Would you like
it without milk?"

(Dochs angrily grabs the cup from Dox's hand)

DOCHS: "I'll cream you! This coffee tates like *mud*!"

DOX: "That's because it was fresh ground just five minutes ago. Nyuk, nuyk."

(Dox get hot mud thrown into his face and is badly beaten as we fade out)


SCENE 4 Dirt road - town

(The boys pause to read a sign along the road.)

WELCOME TO SINKUMTOWN
POPULATION - NOT YOU!
NOW SCRAM!

STADERS: "Hooray! Home again! Whoopee!"

(As the boys enter town a woman meets them)

WOMAN: "Oh, thank goodness you've come! They've taken the girls to jail for *witchcraft*!"

DOCHS: "Stella!"

DOCKS: "Bella!"

DOX: "Fella!"

DOCHS: "Now, don't you worry Widow Blair. We'll straighten this whole thing out."


SCENE 5 Jail

(The boys are comforting the girls in jail. The jailkeeper approaches.)

JAILKEEEPER: "Sorry boys. But all the evidence points to these young ladies.
The wells are all dried up, the crops whithered, and the all the milk has gone
bad! These girls were seen wearing brown ribbons in their hair instead of black.
What else can it be but *witchcraft*!"

DOCKS: "Yeah, you're right. It couldn't be a drought or something."

DOX: "You can't argue with science."

DOCHS: "Now wait, you mugs. Those girls are innocent and we're gonna
prove it by finding the real witch!"

DOCHS: (To the girls) "Fear not ladies. We'll have you out in no time."

(Dochs gets a kiss through the bars from Stells. She is *hot*.)

(Docks gets kiss from Bella. She is *hot*.)

(Dox gets a bear hug from Fella and is crushed against the bars. She looks like a fella.)

DOX: "Nnyaaahhh!"

DOCHS: "Farewell girls."

(Fade out as the boys exit the goal.)


SCENE 6 The Search

(Fade in on the boys loaded up with bear traps, rat traps and butterfly nets.)

(Dochs is carrying a *big* book under his arm.)

(They knock on the door of a nice looking place and are greeted by a servant.)

DOCHS: "Good day. Is the lady of the house at home?"

(An elegantly dressed lady greets them.)

LADY: "Good afternoon gentlemen. What can I do for you?"

DOCHS: "Greetings M'am. Have you... (Consults the book) ...ever met a dark man in the
woods or suckled a cat?"

(The lady shrieks, gives the Staders a triple slap and has them thrown into the street.)

(They next approach a humbler home and are about to knock when the door is suddenly
opened. A woman has some sort of crockery in her hand. It's a chamber pot.)

STADERS: "Nnyaaahhh!" (Startled, however they press on with a question.)

DOCHS: (Tipping his hat.) "M'am. Have you, uh... (consults the book) ...ever danced naked
with a goat or drank blood on..."

(He is interupted by the crashing of the chamber pot over his head.)

(The door slams. Docks and Dox drag Dochs away.)

(They next approach a small farm.)

(A man answers their knock. The man's wife and two daughters stand with him.)

DOCHS: "Hello, Sir. May we... (Consults the book) ...check your wife and daughters for
signs of suckling and any abnormal or unusual number of teats?"

(Man punches the Staders sending them sprawling. The man chases them with and axe.)


SCENE 7 Dinner

(The boys are seen walking on a dusty dirt road, butterfly nets and traps dragging.)

DOCKS: "Boy. Am I beat!"

DOX: "Me too. I'm hungry!"

DOCHS: "All right. All right. One more house and we'll call it a day."

(They approach an eerie old house with greenish yellow smoke coming from the chimney.)

(Dochs goes up and raps on the door and waits with a beat.)

DOCHS: (Turning to the other Staders) "I guess no one's in."

(He proceeds to knock again, head turned away from the door. 
The door opens and a little old lady stands there. He raps her on the forehead.)

DOCHS: "Ooh!. I' m sorry lady. What smells so good...?"

OLD LADY: (Cackles) "Eye of newt, oil of boil, hanged man's nose, and rattlesnake coil!"

 (Cackles again)

DOX: "Oh! Boy! Home cooking!"

DOCKS: "Yeah. Pot luck!"

(The old lady cackles as she ushers the boys into a house filled with all sorts of 
witch-like items.  Brooms, candles on skulls, black birds, etc. 
The boys don't notice a thing. 
They just head straight for a huge cauldron.)

OLD LADY: "Here boys. let me warm it up for you." (Cackles)

(A spark jumps from her finger and the fire leaps to life as the contents of the 
cauldron begin to bubble.)

DOCHS: "Say. You haven't seen any witches 'round here have you?"

OLD LADY: "No. Narry a one." (Cackles)

DOCKS: (To Dox) "She sure is a happy old dame."

(Dox nods in agreement.)

(They are about to eat when a crazed man kicks the door in.)

MAN: "Witch! Monster!"

(The man is followed by an angry mob.)

MOB: "Demons! Monsters!"

(The old lady pulls a wand out of her sleeve to defend herself with a spell. 
The mob rushes right past her and grabs the Staders.)

(The  boys are dragged off by the mob amid threats and slaps.)

DOCHS: "Hey! Careful! I'm a taxpayer!"

DOX: "Hey. You made me spill my snakecoil!"


SCENE 8 Jail

(The boys are in jail with their ladies, Stella, Bella, and Fella.)

(Doch's legs are chained to the wall. Dock's arms are chained to the wall. 
Dox is in the stocks.)

DOCHS: "Well. At least we're together."

DOCKS: "Boy. I sure could use a cheap lawyer."

DOX: "Not me. I need a stockbroker! Get it? Nyuk, nyuk."

(Dochs goes to hit Dox but the chains prevent it. Dochs crosses Docks' legs and raps 
Docks on the knee causing an involuntary reflex which kicks Dox in the face.)

(Enter Jailer and the Widow Blair)

WIDOW BLAIR: "Boys! I have good news! The King's own agent is here!"

DOCHS: (Mounting fear) "The Kings agent!"

WIDOW BLAIR: "Yes. He's come to settle the witch business once and for all!"

(Two soldiers enter with pikes.)

SOLDIERS: "Make way for the King's agent!"

(Enter Sir Blanchard)

DOCHS: "Nnyaaahhh!"

DOCKS: "Nnyaaahhh!"

DOX: "Nnyaaahhh!"

(Blanchard observes all three and a smile spreads across his face.)

BLANCHARD: "Well. Hello boys!"

(The boys respond with horrified shakes and noises.)

Blanchard:  "Yep. They look like witches to me. See you at the hanging boys!"

(Dochs and Docks faint. Dox easily frees himself from the stocks and then faints.)


SCENE 9 Outside the jail

(The mob goes wild as the boys and the girls are brought out of the jail.)

(Dox waves back to the mob as angry fists pump in the air.)

JAILER: "Wait here for the wagon."

(Dox notices a woman nearby with a cream pie.)

DOX: (To woman) "What kind of pie is that?"

WOMAN: "Witch pie."

DOX: "That one." (Pointing.) "What kind is it?"

WOMAN: "Witch pie."

DOX: "See that pie in your hand?"

WOMAN: "Yes." 

DOX: "*What kind is it*?"

WOMAN: "Witch pie."

DOX: (Frustrated) "Gimmie that!"

(Dox rips the pie from the woman's hands and has a taste.)

DOX: "Say. This ain't bad. What's in it?"

WOMAN: "Bananas, whipped cream, and..."

DOX: "Ooh! Yummy!" (Takes a huge mouthful.)

WOMAN: "...and the urine of five bewitched young girls."

(Doxs spits the pie on the back of Dock's head.)

DOCKS: "Hey! What the hell!"

DOX: "There's urine in that pie!"

DOCKS: (Concerned.) "Which pie?"

DOX: "Not you too!" (Rips a chunk of hair from Docks' head.) 

Jailer: "C'mon you mongrels. Into the wagon."

(The boys and their sweethearts climb into the wagon.
 Dox trips but is kept from falling by the jailer.)

DOX: "Thanks pal. I might have broken my neck."


SCENE 9 Hanging tree

(The wagon goes towards an old tree with a huge, long branch. 
The mob throws rotten food and vegetables at the unfortunates.)

(Five of the six unfortunates try to shield themselves from the flying food. 
Dox grabs one or two pieces of food out of the air and chews with voraciously.)

(As the wagon nears the tree, three nooses are thrown over the large branch and three 
ladders are positioned next to the nooses.)

(The boys clutch their throats and exchange glances.)

(The mob roars as the Staders are taken from the wagon and forced up the ladders at pike point. 
The nooses are fitted by soldiers and the signal for hanging is about to be given.)

DOCHS: (Shouting) "Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Can I just say a few last words?"

(The jailer looks at Blanchard who gives a quick nod and the mob quiets to hear Dochs out.)

DOCHS: (With great feeling.) "You know. A while back, we English was new to this land. 
In fact, it was a hard beginning and we almost didn't make it as a colony. 
The Injuns helped us out of that mess. They didn't care that we were'nt like them. 
They saw *people* in trouble and they helped. When the colonists got back on their feet, 
they held a great feast and invited the Injuns so they could all give thanks to their common 
creator for survival. It didn't matter to them that the red man dressed and believed 
differently than they did. Some of you here today attended that feast as babes in arms. 
But now look at us. Turning on our own kind because we look and act differently." 

(Dochs focuses on an ugly man and his family) 

"We call each other *witch* because we see a guy with a big pointed nose and big bug eyes. 
A guy with a big fat wife and two slack jawed kids that look like runny nosed chimps..."

(The ugly man interupts)

UGLY MAN: "Hey! Easy!"

DOCHS (Snapping out of his digression.) "...anyway. we forgot the lessons of the past. 
Together we can make this a *great* land! Together we can be a *great people*! 
Apart and we're just a bunch of wild dogs roaming around in little packs, howling at the 
splendor of the heavens, but never able to attain it."

(Dochs, a little humbled and embarrased at revealing his inner thoughts lets it trail off.)

DOCHS: Anyway...that's all I got to say."

(The mob is hushed except for a few self conscious coughers.)

(Blanchard walks slowly to the front of the mob, glances briefly up at Dochs on the ladder 
with his neck in a noose. Blanchard removes his hat, takes a deep breath and...)

BLANCHARD "Now. Lets' hang these *witches*!"

(The mob roars in approval and counts down.)

MOB: "Three...two...one."

(The boys are pushed from the ladders and into the open air.)

(The branch breaks. and lands on the heads of the pikemen. The Staders cut their bonds on 
the pikes and a free for all ensues.)

(Two soldiers prepare to fire their matchlocks but are grabbed and knocked 
unconscious by Fella.)

(Blanchard pulls his sword.)

BLANCHARD: "Stop them!"

(A pikeman falls on the end of a table full of witch pies. The witch pies are catapulted 
through the air and Blanchard is plastered with the urine soaked pies.)

(The boys climb up into the wagon along with the girls and the Widow Blair. 
They fly like the wind to freedom, tossing rotten fruit and horse crap at the angry mob.)


SCENE 10 Free at last

(Once away from the village, the boys stop and pat each other on the back.)

STELLA: "Where to now?"

DOCHS: "To a place that ain't *ever* heard of witches!"

(The wagon goes forward past a sign that reads...)

SALEM
15 MILES

(Cue Music. Fade out. End)