Rash of the Mohicans

Opening music: Rule Britannia

Cast of Stars
Richard	-	Dochstader	-	Moe
Peter	-	Dockstader	-	Larry
Patrick	-	Doxstader	-	Curley

Fade in: An intense hunting scene.
Three men - shot of feet, eyes, and a deer.
Slow motion - one of the men draws aim and
follows the animal. He fires just as we see Dochstader's
head enter the frame. As the smoke clears we see a
smoking, black-faced Dochstader with a hole in his hat

DOCHSTADER: "What's the big idea?"
DOCKSTADER (coming up) "You fool! You let the deer
get away!"
DOCHSTADER: "Never mind that! Look at my hat!"

They are interupted by the sounds of gunfire and women
screaming.

DOCKSTADER: "Damsels in distress!"
DOCHSTADER: "We must save them!"

Three women and a redcoat officer advance over a
hilltop. The redcoat is seen shooting at an unseen enemy.

DOXSTADER: "We can help 'em in distress and help 'em
outta dat dress! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk." (Slap)

The boys hide the party in some brush as Indians rush by.
One Indian stops to check the bushes and is hit with a warclub.
The blow causes the Indian to do several backward somersaults
and a handstand against a nearby tree.

BRITISH OFFICER: "Thank you gentlemen. You have saved the
three daughters of Col. Monroe."
DOCKSTADER: "Oh, I knew his wife Marilyn! Wanna 
see a picture?"
DOCHSTADER: "Quiet!" (Slap)
BRITISH OFFICER: (Gesturing) "May I present the Colonel's daughters."

The three ladies step forward with fans covering their faces.

GIRL #1: "I'm Flora Belle." (Drops fan, gives Dochstader the eye.)
She is beautiful and he acts shy.
GIRL #2: "I'm Cora Belle." (Drops fan, gives Dockstader the eye.)
She is beautiful and he acts shy.
GIRL #3: "I'm Hora Belle." (Drops fan, gives Doxstader the eye.)
She is hideous and he crys out. Hora Belle recoils in fear.

BRITISH OFFICER: "We were on our way to the fort when they
jumped us. Can you get us through this wilderness?"

DOCHSTADER: "Can we!"
DOCKSTADER: "Can we!"
DOXSTADER: "Can we?" (Slap)

Fade out - in...

We see the boys walking along a wooded path with the girls
and the officer. Doxstader strikes up a conversation with Flora Belle.

DOXSTADER: "So your Daddy's Col. Monroe?"
FLORA BELLE: (Snooty) "Yes. He fought bravely at Culloden."
DOXSTADER: "I have an uncle who was real good at Culloden!
FLORA BELLE: "Oh?"
DOXSTADER: "Yeah! Until my Aunty made him quit drinking.
She was afraid he'd cullod into something and get kilt." (drum rim shot)
"Their marriage didn't last though."
FLORA BELLE: "No, why not?"
DOXSTADER: "Because everytime he'd ask for Haggis, she'd
tell him she didn't have the stomach for it." (Nyuk,nyuk)
FLORA BELLE: "Ah!"
DOXSTADER: "Then he ran off with the nanny."
FLORA BELLE: "Oh, you had a governess?"
DOXSTADER:" No..."

Dochstader who overheard the conversation shows up and 
beans Doxstader with a tomahawk.

DOCHSTADER: "What's the idea?"
DOXSTADER: "We was just talking about Haggis."
DOCHSTADER: "Haggis? Get your own! This haggis mine!"

Dochstader kicks Doxstader in the ass. Doxstader runs and
crashes into Hora Belle.

DOXSTADER: (to Hora Belle) "Ya know. You remind me of my Aunt Nanny - 
especially from the back. You're homely as a goat's ass."

Fade out - in...

The boys and their companions enter a clearing.

DOCHSTADER: " We'll camp here tonight."
As they set up camp, Doxstader see a skunk. Doxstader
goes into a fit - hitting everyone, knocking down trees, and shouting.

DOXSTADER: "Docks! Dochs! The booze! Docks! Dochs! The booze!"

Doxstader is offered a bottle of rum.

DOXSTADER: "No! Whiskey!"

Doxstader is given a drink of whiskey. As he calms down the
officer asks a question.

BRITISH OFFICER: "What happened?"
DOCHSTADER: "He gets this way whenever he sees a polecat."
BRITISH OFFICER: "Why?"
DOCKSTADER: "'Cause his father was skunk."

Fade out - in...

Later that night the boys are around the campfire and send
Doxstader to get some water for hot toddies. As Doxstader
makes his way by a tent he hears the lilt of a woman's voice.
He stops and sees the shadow of a figure undressing inside the tent.
The figure is pulling stocking off shapely legs, long hair falling, etc.

As Doxstader nears the tent, the figure removes the final piece
of clothing and exits the tent. To Doxstader's surprise it is the
redcoat officer bare chested, bare foot, and singing like a 
woman.

BRITISH OFFICER: "Good evening."
DOXSTADER: "'Evening." (Tips hat and goes off into the dark.)

Fade out - in...

The crew is making their way through the wilderness and come
upon a roaring brook. Dochstader carries Flora Belle across.
Dockstader carries Cora Belle. Hora Bell is seen carrying 
Doxstader!

They stop to rest after the difficult stream crossing. We see 
Doxstader drying his face only to discover the "towel" is an old
breech clout! He really goes to town rubbing face, drying ears,
and blowing his nose when he finally gets a whiff! Doxstader reels
in disgust. It's an Indian ambush!

The boys lead the party to escape in the Indian canoes with
the attackers in hot pursuit. The Indians easily catch up and things
seem grim. The boys are seen putting a motor on the canoe and
speed away!

The Indians abruptly break off the chase. The gloating and hooting
from our heros turn to screams of terror as they motor over a 
waterfall. The waiting Indians fish the girls out of the drink as all
three 'Staders float further downstream.

DOCHSTADER: "Stay alive! No matter what happe- "

The boys are seen screaming and hugging as they go over over a 
second waterfall.

Fade out - in...

Next we see a montage of the 'Stader's tracking prowess as
they attempt to find the Indians and the girls. They peer closely
at a broken plant stem but fail to notice the Indians dragging
the girls down the trail behind them.

Hora Belle leaves a ribbon from her hair on a branch. Doxstader finds
the ribbon and drops it when he realizes who it belongs to and he 
runs off. As the boys pass by a run down cabin we see the kid
from Deliverence on the porch with his banjo.

Fade out - in...

The boys finally catch up to the Indians at a small 
village. Dochstader uses Pig Latin to negotiate for the release
of the girls in trade for Doxstader. Before departing,
Dochstader presents the Indian chief with a tobacco pouch 
made from a shunk pelt. 

The chief attaches the pouch to his belt near his breech
clout before he realizes that he is allergic to skunk. The chief
itches and scratches the newly formed rash and flails about
wildly. Doxstader sees the skunk pelt and goes nuts himself
knocking the chief and all the Indians out cold.

DOXSTADER: (to the unconscious Indians) "OchsDay, Ocksday.
Hetay Oozebay! OchsDay, Ocksday. Hetay Oozebay!"

Fade out - in...

Doxstader finally rejoining his pals on the trail to the fort.

DOXSTADER: "What's the big idea? I coulda been moidered!"
DOCHSTADER: " Shaddup!" (Smack)
DOCHSTADER: (Addressing the girls) "We should reach the fort
by morning girls."

The girls squeal with joy and shout.
FLORA BELLE: "Now we can get married."
CORA BELLE: "Hooray!"
The girls hug and kiss each other.

The boys squeal with joy and shout.
DOCHSTADER, DOCKSTADER & DOXSTADER: "Married?!"
The boys hug and kiss each other followed by spitting and hitting.

Fade out - in...

Next morning a weary band is seen entering the fort to be
met by Col Monroe and three really handsome frontier types.

MAN #1: "Flora!"
MAN #2: "Cora!"

The girls rush into the arms of the men.

DOCHSTADER: "Hey! Hey! You said you was gonna marry US!
FLORA: "We said we were to get married. We didn't mean
YOU zombies!"

Shock and surprise. A big man walks up

MAN #3: "Say, where's MY girl, Hora Belle?"
DOXSTADER: " Oh. I traded her back to the Injuns last night
for a jug of rum!"
FLORA: (gasp) "You beast!"
CORA: "You brute!"
MAN #3: " How could you?"
DOCHSTADER: "Yeah, what'd them blood thirsty savages ever do to you!?"
MONROE: "Why you- "

The boys create a hubub and scram. 

Fade out - in...

The boys are later pissing and moaning about the dames as we hear 
Hora Belle's screams echo in the woods -

DOXSTADER: (Shivering) "Sheesh, I can almost hear her voice."

Cut to Hora Belle making life miserable for her Indian captors - 
kicking, screaming, and scratching skin raw.

DOCKSTADER: "I'm swearing off dames for good!"
DOCHSTADER: "Buck up boys, there's a girl out there
for us somewhere."
DOXSTADER: "Yeah? Well where is she? She gonna just
drop outta the sky?"

Quick cut to the fed up Indians throwing Hora Belle off a
cliff. Cut back to the boys as she falls on all three of them.

HORA BELLE "My Hero!" (hugging and kissing Doxstader)

Fade to black as the other two 'Staders faint and Doxstader
gasps and sputters in horror under a barrage of kisses.

Cue music, end.