Bums Along The Mohawk

          EXT. FORT NIAGARA. BRITISH STRONGHOLD ON THE WESTERN
          FRONTIER

          A spy enters the General's quarters. The General sends the spy
          on a mission to meet three loyal scouts known as: "The
          Traitors To The Colonies."

                              GENERAL
                    These three men will escort the spy
                    to Benedict Arnold . Arnold will
                    come over to the Crown, surrender
                    his army and the Mohawk to win the
                    war for England!

                              SPY
                    Yes Sir! I'll find them. They were
                    last reported to be near Fort.
                    Stanwix.

          INT. FORT STANWIX. AMERICAN STRONGHOLD ON THE UPPER MOHAWK

          Three shady characters make their way to the fort's sutlery. As
          they enter we see a sign that reads:
                    DOXSTADER DOCKSTADER & DOCHSTADER
                    TRADERS TO THE COLONIES
                    IF YOU DON'T HAVE IT. WE'VE GOT IT.

                              FIRST MAN
                    Good day. Is Mr Dochstader in?

                              DOXSTADER
                    No. He's off hunting.

                              SECOND MAN
                    Then could I speak with Mr.
                    Dockstader?!"

                              DOXSTADER
                    No. He's hunting too.

                              THIRD MAN
                         (angry)
                    Then may I please speak to Mr.
                    Doxstader?

                              DOXSTADER
                    Certainly. At your service!

          They are interrupted by the other two Staders entering with
          bundles and boxes marked Property of George Washington",
          "Property of Congress, etc...

                              DOCHSTADER
                    Boy, oh boy.. Did we have good
                    hunting today!

          They throw their stuff on the floor and on the first man's foot,
          who jumps about howling. The three Staders think it's a
          dance and join in until a musket drops off the wall and
          knocks them all to the floor.

                              FIRST MAN
                         (Recovering, and addressing
                         the Staders)
                    Listen boys. My companions and I
                    are in need of supplies as we have
                    important business in the Mohawk to aid
                    the war effort.

                              STADERS
                         ((All together))
                    The war effort! We'll help.

          

          The Staders, are always willing to help the war effort, as long
          as they don't have to get involved, and can make a buck.
          They run about the sutlery to fill the order. In their zeal
          they accidently knock the three strangers over and out cold.

          Soldiers rush in to investigate the racket. The Staders panic
          and run off. The soldiers recognize the three unconscious
          strangers as "The Traitors to the Colonies" and drag them
          off to the stockade.

          EXT. ALONG THE BANKS OF THE MOHAWK RIVER

          The spy is pacing and checking his watch on the banks of the Mohawk.
          He hears a noise and conceals himself as the Staders enter.

                              DOCKSTADER
                    What rotten luck.

                              DOCHSTADER
                    It ain't so bad. After all, we are
                    the "Traders To The Colonies.

          They halt and all three do the Doxstader Salute while standing
          facing each other.

          With right fists hit the left chest, then swing arms forward and
          down while opening fists and exposing palms of hand.

          The spy oversees this and reveals himself.

                              SPY
                    You three are Traitors To The
                    Colonies?

                              DOCHSTADER
                    Yes-sir! We're the best traders
                    that ever traded a trade.

                              SPY
                    Can you get me to General Arnold's
                    army?

                              DOXSTADER
                    Sure. We done some hunting there!
                         (Slap ... and so forth)

          EXT. SPOOF SET UP

          The boys have several misadventures involving Benedict
          Arnold each spoofing the movies Patriot and Last of the
          Mohicans.

          EXT. SPOOF #1 BREECH CLOUT

          Dochstader is washing his face. As he reaches for a towel,
          he mistakenly grabs the breech-clout of a nearby looming
          Indian and drys his face on it. He then jumps around in
          horror realizing what he just did and accidentally kicks
          General Arnold in his wounded leg.

          EXT. SPOOF #2 GAUNTLET

          The three Staders are forced to run a gauntlet dressed like Philadelphia
          Tory maidens but beat up on the Indians using stooge tactics
          such as eye poking, nose biting, etc.

          EXT. SPOOF #3 MAGWAH

          The boys are running at top speed through the forest being chased
          by a fearsome looking Magwah. The boys make a quick turn and
          escape but Magwah runs smak into a rock cliff wall. As
          camera pulls back we see the boys wearing PF-Flyers but
          Magwah has only flimsy moccasins.

          EXT. SPOOF #4 CANADA

          During the Canadian campaign. Arnold and the boys are
          walking through a blizzard in deep snow. They have no food
          and are eating candles and shoe leather. They see a cabin,
          run to the door, enter and slam door. Snow from roof slides
          off and buries Arnold outside.

          EXT.SPOOF #5 CROSS DRESSING

          The boys and Lt Andre are seen cross-dressing for the Meschianza
          ball in Philadelphia when Arnold sees Doxstader and mistakes
          him for Peggy Shippen. Arnold grabs Doxstader's crotch.
                         (Slap, squeels, and statements
                         like, "I.m not that kind of
                         girl.". )
                    

          Andre is seen rubbing his own crotch as he watches.

          EXT SPOOF#6 SUPPLIES

          The boys are seen sleeping in the back of one of the wagons.
                         ( snore, wheeze,
                         wip-wip-wip-wip-wip)
                    

          Rebel skirmishers are stealing supplies as the boys sleep. Arnold
          limps in, sounds the alarm, the boys wake up, the rebels
          escape and the boys "capture" Arnold mistaking him as the
          thief.

          EXT SPOOF #7 FALSE TEETH

          The boys are seen crossing the Delaware in a boat with Washington.
          The boat leaks badly and begins to sink, The boys knock
          Washington down, steal his wooden false teeth, jump
          overboard, and float to safety to Jersey shore using
          Washington's teeth as a life raft.

          EXT. SPOOF #8 LOOTING

          The boys are seen looting a British supply depot when a Hessian
          soldier comes up behind Dochstader. Dockstader sees the
          soldier.

                              DOCKSTADER
                         ( stammering )
                    Hessian! Hessian!

                              DOCHSTADER
                         (preoccupied )
                    Gesundheit!

                              

                              DOCKSTADER
                    Hessian!

                              DOCHSTADER
                    Hesh up!

          Dochstader knocks Dockstader into some crates. Doxstader shows
          up, sees the Hessian and shouts -

                              DOXSTADER
                    Hessian!

                              DOCHSTADER
                    Not you too! Gesundheit!

          Dochstader knocks Doxstader into some ammunition and a line of
          cannon balls bounce off Doxstader's head until we hear
          canaries chirp. The Hessian jabs Dochstader with a bayonet
          in the ass with a loud - "Boing"

                              DOCHSTADER
                    Take it easy Himmler! I use that
                    for sitting on.

          The boys are freed when the spy from Niagara vouches for them.
          The Hessian soldier lets them go

                              DOCHSTADER
                         (offering his handshake)
                    Sorry about the mix-up Adolph. No
                    hard feelings?

          The Hessian refuses his hand.

                              DOCHSTADER
                    Oh, superstitious, 'eh?

          Doxstader barks like a dog at the Hessian. The Hessian barks back
          and the boys scatter.

          EXT. CARLISLE
                         (Music Rap, moderate beat)

          Andre is seen writing poetry while incarcerated in Carlisle PA.
          A fade to a bubble above the head of a pensive Andre occurs
          revealing the boys acting out the verses that Andre is
          thinking.

          EXT. ROWBOAT
                         (Music Gilbert and Sullivan )

          The boys are seen in a rowboat in New York harbor selling goods
          to British officers and seamen when a huge shark takes a
          bite out of the bow of the boat. The boat begins to sink and
          the boys are taken aboard HMS Nausea where officers,
          confined to shipboard for much too long, dress them up like
          cherubs and chase them about the rigging singing baudy
          songs.

          ... and so forth The boys still oblivious to Arnold's betrayal
          keep pissing Arnold off. They join the British aboard
          Arnolds ship moored in the Delaware to escape the now very
          angry Arnold.

          EXT. ALONG BANKS OF DELAWARE RIVER

          The boys are seen cooking breakfast amid boxes marked "Property
          of the King, Property of Cornwalis." We pause on a sign that
          reads -

          DOCHSTADER DOCKSTADER & DOXSTADER

          TRADERS TO THE CROWN

          STAY LOYAL - BUY ROYAL

          The boys are seen whining, carping, and complaining about Arnold,
          how much a rat-bastard he is, and how glad they are that
          there are two armies between them.

          Arnold approaches wearing a British officers uniform.

                              DOCKSTADER
                    I'm not afraid of that Arnold
                    fellow.

                              DOXSTADER
                    Yeah. If he were here right now,
                    I'd kick his ass.

          Arnold approaches.

                              ARNOLD
                         (sneering)
                    Well, boys. What's for breakfast?!

                              STADERS
                         (All together, off the cuff
                         glance)
                    Eggs. Benedict!

          Then a double take and a horrified scream of recognition. Arnold
          pulls his sword and takes a swipe at the boys.

          EXT. RUNNING

          Arnold and some Redcoats are seen chasing our heros down a dirt
          road firing muskets as bullets bounce off the Staders asses.

                                         CUE MUSIC,FADE TO BLACK