T h o u g h t s
Oh dear....this is what comes of trying to rationalize love with science.
Funny, I suppose, how imagining how a simple kiss might feel can evoke such an intensity of fear.
After everything that I’ve faced, these emotions that have existed since the beginning of time, make me want to run and hide.
Of course, I try to block them out, pretend they don’t exist.
After all I can’t see them; I have no proof they exist, only this fear.
How it burns in my stomach, yet it freezes rational thought.
I shake when he’s near me, choosing to remain hidden behind my desk.
Legs crossed, arms folded – no sexual invitation could possibly be given.
But if he smiles I’m an ice sculpture melting on the sunny California beach.
I can see him; I can almost taste his skin, feel his warmth…
…It’s not that I think him unworthy, undeserving of my love.
It just scares me so very much.
I’m not sure what will happen if I let him touch me,
If I say the words he longs to hear.
I can’t predict what the outcome will be.
So I lie here alone in my bed, surrounded by the silent comfort of darkness.
Listening to my own breathing, wrapping myself up in this blanket of protection, while he waits so patiently.
I dream of all the things that scare me to death…
…And continue to battle this fear.