Director (out of shot): What's that playing on the tape recorder, Vim?
Vim: Er, it's a tape. (Laughs) No, no, it's our latest song, actually. Yeah, it's called "Bad News", although you'd probably worked that out. It's a sort of statement.
Director: A statement? On what?
Vim: Well, it's a statement on, er.... look, I'll tell you later, right? I've only just got up. Six o' clock in the morning and you expect me to blow your mind! Listen to the lyrics!
Director: Pardon?
Vim: Listen to the lyrics! The lyrics!
He turns the volume up even louder. They can now barely hear each other above the music.
Director: What sort of feeling have you got about the tour?
Vim: What?
Director: What do you feel about the tour?
Vim: Tour?
Director: Yes!
Vim: Yeah! Yeah, we're going on tour!
Director: (almost inaudible) There's somebody at the door.
Vim: What?
Director: (shouts) There's somebody at the door!
Vim: I know, we've got a toilet!
Director: No, the door! There's someone at the door!
Vim: What? Oh, right!
Vim weaves his way through the film crew to get to the door. There is a motorbike in the hallway, and various posters (Jim Morrison, Motorhead) and pictures of nude ladies on the wall.
Vim: Why doesn't somebody bloody well answer it? You're all standing there! (Insistent knocking on door) Hang on! Hang on! (Opens door)
Man: Do you know what time it is?
Vim: Er, it's about six, innit? (to film crew) Has anyone got the right time?
Man: Five past six! Now, if you don't turn that racket off I shall definitely inform the police.
Vim: (to film crew) Will somebody turn the tape recorder off? You have to unplug it 'cause the button doesn't work. (Back to man) I'm sorry about this, mate...
Man: Now look, son, I've warned you before!
Vim: Yeah, I know, I know.
Man: (spotting camera) What's going on in there? What're you doing?
Vim: That's alright, they're making a film about me. I'm gonna be on the telly!
The man backs away from the door. The camera follows him out.
Man: Tell them to turn that camera off! (He runs away and tries to hide behind a glass door; the cameraman follows him.) I refuse to be filmed! Turn that thing off! (The camera continues to film him; he puts his hand over the lens.) What the bloody hell are you playing at?
Cut to outdoor shot of Vim walking up a flight of stairs to another flat. Halfway up the stairs he trips and disappears from view.
Vim: (voice-over) I could play "Stairway To Heaven" when I was twelve. Jimmy Page didn't actually write it until he was twenty-two. I think that says quite a lot.
Vim knocks on a blue front door. Den opens it.
Den: Did they get it this time?
Vim: What?
Den: Or have they got another hair in the gate, or what?
Vim: Oh, shut up, Den.
Den: Eh?
Vim: I said shut up! (turns to film crew) Oh Christ, look, shall we go again?
Director: No, go with this one.
Vim: But it's crap!
Director: No, we can cut the beginning off.
Den: (spots the microphone attached to his jacket and holds it to his mouth) Is this mic working? Hello, one, two... (Vim turns away in despair.)
Director: Yes, Den. Den, yes, it's working. Look, we're wasting a lot of film here.
Vim: Okay, okay, keep cool! (Turns back to Den.) Right, are you ready, Den?
Den: What?
Vim: Oh God, come on!
Den: I'm ready, I'm ready.
Vim: Get back inside, then. (Pushes Den back into his flat. Den shuts the door.)
Director: Come on, let's go over the other side, Oliver.
There is a small commotion as the film crew attempt to get past Vim on the narrow landing, to film from the other side.
Director: Okay.
Vim knocks on the door. Den answers it.
Vim: Hello, Den.
Den: Hello, Alan!
Vim: (quietly) Vim.
Den: Eh?
Vim: Vim! My name's Vim, remember.
Den: Oh yeah, right. Sorry. Err... Hello, Vim!
Vim: Right. Hello, Den. You got your stuff ready, then?
Den: Yeah. It's right here, in the hall.
Vim: Well come on then, we've gotta pick up the others yet.
Den: Alright, Alan. Oh, sorry... er, alright, Vim. Vim, right. (Turns his back on the camera to collect his bags.) Okay, I'm off now, mum. Bye!
Vim: (voice-over) Den used to be in this group called The Hounds Of Zaroff. They were rubbish, right, but all you had to do to join was drink half a bottle of vodka and keep it down. (Pause) He tried six times before he got in.
Cut to Vim and Den in the tour van. They are about to arrive at Colin's house.
Vim: He's standing outside so we don't see how posh his house is.
Den: (out of window) Morning, Colin!
Colin: Hi Den.
The van stops and Colin climbs in the back with his equipment.
Vim: (voice-over) Well, the only thing that's wrong with Colin is that, you know, he can't really play.
Vim: How's it going with you, mate? Alright?
Colin: Yeah! I feel a bit wrecked, actually. (Laughs) Bloody hell, it's a bit cramped in here, isn't it? Yeah, I feel a bit wrecked, you know.
Den: D'you see the Whistle Test last night?
Colin: Sort of, yeah, but I... I was really stoned, you know, and I drank a bottle of brandy, and... yeah, I was with this chick and we were just about to get down to it - huh - I went and put my foot through the television set.
Vim: Oh no!
Colin: Yeah, so it sort of blew up a bit, you know, and set fire to the curtains, and I missed the second half of the show, so...
Den: I bet your mum was really angry!
Colin: Well... she wasn't there, was she, Den?
Den: Yeah, but, I mean, when she gets back, she's gonna be...
Colin: No, Den, Den, she won't be getting back.
Den: How come?
Colin: 'Cause... 'cause she's dead.
Den: Eh?
Vim: She's dead, Den.
Den: Oh, I get it. Alan's called Vim and your mum's dead. (Colin shakes his head in despair.) Can we cut this bit as well, please?
Cut to Vim, Den and Colin outside another house. Vim is ringing the doorbell and sighing.
Vim: Well, where is he?
Den: Which is his bedroom, do you think?
Vim: (through the letterbox) Look, come on, Spi...
Den throws a stone up at the bedroom window. Spider opens the front door just as the window smashes.
Spider: What time d'you call this, then?
Den: Oh, I've smashed the window, Spider. Sorry.
Spider: (looks up at the window) Never mind, Den, it's all anarchy, innit?
Vim: Look, are you ready now, then?
Spider: No, sorry, I've gotta go and sign on at half ten.
Vim: What?
Den: Oh no!
Spider: Joke! Get it?
Vim: Very funny.
The others return to the van. A woman appears behind Spider, with his bag.
Woman: Here's your bag, Spider!
Spider: Hey, babe, you're my bag!
Woman: Oh, Spider! (She embraces him.)
Spider: (quietly) Just cry like I told you to, or you won't get paid.
Woman: (nods) Oh no, Spider, don't leave me, not now!
Spider: (to camera) Chicks, huh? See ya, doll.
Spider leaves. The woman stands at the door, waving.
Vim: (voice-over) Well, Spider used to have this really big drug problem, you know... he couldn't get enough.
Director: Shut the door. (The woman goes back inside and shuts the door.)
Vim: (voice-over) That's probably why he's like he is,
you know... completely crazed.
Cut to a shot of the tour van. It is a very old dark blue minibus with "Bad News" and a skull painted on the side. Vim is trying to start the van. It won't start. Cut to shot of Den, Spider and Colin pushing the van.
Vim: (voice-over) But he's a bloody good drummer though, you know. When I auditioned him, he did a forty-six minute drum solo. I mean, he would have done a lot more, but... I can't stand drum solos.
They manage to get the van started. As it moves off, Colin and Spider stand back, while Den runs after the van.
Den: Wait for us!
Vim: (voice-over) Erm... life on the road is a lot more interesting than working in a factory. You do a lot more driving about, for a start. You always feel as if you're going somewhere, you know?
The van comes back round the corner and stops to allow Colin and Spider to get in. They drive off just as Den comes running round the corner behind them.
Den: (still running after the van) Tossers!
Spider: (shouting from the van) Bye! See you in Grantham!
Cut to inside the van. Den is back inside. Vim is driving, Spider
in the front passenger seat. They spot two schoolgirls (Cheryl and Tracy)
walking along the side of the road. Spider sticks his head out of the window.
Spider: Hey, girls! (to Vim) Slow down, slow down! (back to girls) Hey, I like the gear, really kinky! (laughs) Hey, listen...
The van stops at the side of the road. The girls walk up to it.
Tracy: Are you making a film?
Spider: Yeah! I'm a rock star!
Tracy: (laughs) What, are you... are you an actor?
Spider: No, a rock star. Bad News on the road. (Indicates band name on side of van.)
Tracy: Oh, with a band?
Spider: Yeah, can't you read?
Cheryl: Look, come on, Trace, we're gonna be late! Never heard of them anyway.
Spider: Listen, I could teach you a lot of things you've never heard of, doll.
Cheryl: Don't you be so rude! Come on, Trace.
Spider: Hey, listen, freak out, sugar, come with us to Grantham!
Tracy: Am I really being filmed?
Spider: Yeah, got it in one, babe! You're gonna be a star!
Tracy is now right up to the open window, peering in excitedly.
Spider: Come on, get in. It'll be alright.
Spider opens the door. Tracy gives her hat and schoolbag to Cheryl and starts to climb into the van.
Cheryl: Don't be so stupid! He's probably got a Durex in his pocket!
Tracy: Well I'll be alright then, won't I?
Cheryl: (desperately) Trace!
There is a roar of approval from inside the van as Spider helps Tracy inside.
Spider: (closes door) See you later, Cheryl! Well, this is a surprise, innit? This is Colin, this is Vim, this is Den. What's your name? (Vim drives off.)
Tracy: Trace.
Spider: Trace. Do you like heavy metal, Trace?
Tracy: Yeah, I love it!
Footage of the van driving along, filmed from outside. They pass a sign saying "Snacks! Coffee! Sandwiches!"
Cut to inside of a roadside café. Shots of bacon and eggs in frying pans full of oil.
Vim: (voice-over) Our lifestyles have got a lot better. I mean, we're not rich yet, but, I mean, it's obvious that we're gonna be. You know, we don't worry so much about money.
Camera comes out of the kitchen to show the band queuing up to pay for their food.
Cashier: Two pounds and five pence, please, love.
Den: (amazed) Two quid?
Cashier: That's right. Two pounds and five pence, please.
Den: Two quid for one bloody sausage?
Cashier: That's right, love. Two pounds and five pence.
Den: Right, where's the camera? (Holds sausage up to camera.)
Look. (To cashier) What's the name of this place? (Cashier backs
away.) Well, anyway, it's a rip-off. Look, they're charging two quid
for one bloody sausage! So don't come here!
Den: Well, I haven't got two quid, have I? (Pause) Can I have half a sausage for a quid?
Cashier: No you can't.
Cut to close up of Sally Freeman.
Sally: Hey, Bad News!
Pull back to show the band sitting at a table. They turn to camera.
All: Hey! Sally Freeman!
Close up of Colin.
Colin: Britain's number one sexy chick rock journalist!
Close up of Sally.
Sally: What gives? Coast to coast tour?
Close up of Spider.
Spider: Putting heavy metal back on the rock and roll map where it belongs!
Close up of Vim.
Vim: A thousand and one smashed motel rooms!
Close up of Den.
Den: We're on... no, I still can't read that thing from here.
Back to shot of band at table. Sally is now sitting with them.
Director: Just carry on, Den. Carry on.
Den: No, no, it's not... it's gonna be wrong. It's meant to join up with that last bit, isn't it?
The others look exasperated.
Director: Yes.
Den: Yeah, that's what I thought, well, I was sitting over there then, right? (Points to where Vim is now sitting.) I mean, how come I'm suddenly sitting over here now?
Vim: (head in hands) He's right, he's right, I was sitting there.
Cut to the same shot. Vim and Den have swapped places.
Sally: Okay, let's cut the "your favourite books, films, records and funniest experiences"...
Den: Wait a minute! (Points up at something out of shot.) It says "sausages" up there, not just one sausage! (Stands up, pointing.) Look at that! Look, it says "sausages"! Where's me other sausage, then?
Cut to outside. The band, Sally and Tracy are walking down the road.
Sally: Okay, let's cut the "your favourite books, films, records and funniest experiences" routine, and get right down to the meat.
Den: Let me tell you my funniest experience first...
Vim: Shut up, Den, shut up!
Sally: Right, first of all I'd like to make my position clear. I'm in love with heavy metal. I know I should have some ideological theory to renounce all the over-established musical forms as the worthless ego-massaging opiates they so obviously are. But, that said, you've got to differentiate between the crass, commercial glitter gonzos, and those who, though dismissed as unfashionable by casual chaps in this year's slacks, refuse to be bullied out of their belief in the fundamental values of popular music, and sweat at their own temperature. Now, what side of the fence are you on?
Vim: Er...
Before he can answer a huge lorry pulls up between the band and the camera.
Cut to the band, Sally and Tracy standing beside a metal barrier.
Colin: What?
Vim: We're a bit more subtle than that.
Colin: Yeah, we're subtle, but er... basically we're heavy metal, aren't we?
Spider: Yeah, Colin's right, Vim. If we made a record it'd be so heavy you couldn't get it off the turntable!
Tracy laughs.
Vim: Yeah, I know that, I know, but I mean... what I'm saying is we're just not simple heavy metal, you know.
Den: I thought we were heavy metal!
Vim: Yeah, I know, I know we've got heavy roots, you know... I mean... what I'm trying to say is that we're trying to progress a bit, you know, we're trying to break a few barriers.
Den: Are we?
Vim: Yeah! (sniffs) And that.
Sally: Carry on.
Vim: Erm... well, I mean, if I relate it back to what you were saying, erm... we're not sitting on a fence at all. We're trying to burn the fence down.
Tracy laughs.
Sally: Right.
Vim: And it's pretty stupid to sit on a burning fence, isn't it?
The trap door against which Vim is leaning suddenly gives way and he disappears from shot. Tracy laughs loudly.
Back inside the van. Den is driving, Spider and Tracy in the front, with Sally, Vim and Colin sitting in the back.
Vim: ...there's no point in being shackled to some stupid label.
Spider: Yeah, but what if the label was EMI?
Colin: No, that's not the point, Vim, what she's saying is that the label's not important, it's just a convenient term of reference.
Vim: (sarcastic) Oh, here we go, Colin the college boy, eh?
Colin: Well, it's obvious. What's wrong with being a heavy metal band, anyway?
Den: Yeah!
Colin: It was you who put "heavy metal" in the advert, that's why I joined.
Den: Yeah, me too!
Vim: Yeah, I know, I know, I know I did, but... but things change, don't they? I mean, when I was a kid, I used to play John Denver numbers all the time (Tracy laughs) but that doesn't mean that I have to be a prat all my life, does it?
Spider: You said it, Vim. Hey, listen, we could call ourselves Heavy Denver!
Tracy: (laughs loudly) That's really funny, Spider! (Continues laughing.)
Vim: Tell her to shut up or get out, Spider!
Spider: (to Tracy) Shut up or get out.
Cut to caption: "One and a half hours later". Cut back to identical scene as before.
Vim: Look! Look, we are not just another stupid heavy metal band!
Thoughtful pause.
Colin: What about "futuristic heavy metal"?
Vim: But we're more modern than futuristic, aren't we?
Spider: I know! What about "heavy metal glitterbillyomantic"?
Tracy: Ha ha! Yeah!..... Sorry, I forgot.
Den pulls the van over into a lay-by.
Vim: What're you doing, Den?
Den: Right, that's it. (Opens door) I'm getting out here if we're anything to do with the New Romantics. (He gets out of the van.)
Cut to Den standing on the grass verge at the side of the road, smoking a cigarette. The others get out of the van and walk over to him.
Vim: (voice-over) One of the things about being a leader, right, is that you've got to sort out arguments that come up between people in the group. You've got to be fair, and you've got to make sure your own ego doesn't get in the way.
Colin: Come on Den, it was... it was only a joke.
Den: I don't care! I don't care if it was a joke or not.
Colin: (to Spider) Tell him.
Spider: It was a joke!
Den: I'm not going any further until I hear Alan say that... that we're heavy metal.
Colin and Spider look expectantly at Vim.
Spider: Go on, tell him, then.
Vim: Okay, okay, we're heavy metal, okay? Heavy metal, heavy metal, heavy metal! Have I said it enough? (shouting) We're heavy metal, okay? Just like your fucking brain!
Spider: (to camera) That's heavy, get it?
They turn back towards the van.
Cut to a shot of the van driving towards the camera, filmed from a bridge. Suddenly the left indicator goes on.
Director: What are they doing?
The van pulls onto the grass verge and stops.
Director: Why can't they do what they're bloody well told? Mark, give me the radio. (Into radio) Hello, why have you stopped?
The camera turns round to show the director on the bridge.
Den: (over radio) Hello. We are receiving you loud and clear, over.
Director: (into radio) Cut the jargon and just answer the question, you stupid bastards.
Vim: (over radio) This is Vim, look, just watch who you're calling a stupid bastard, okay? And for your information we've broken down, you stupid bastard.
Director turns round and realizes the camera is on him.
Director: Oliver, I'm not the subject of this documentary. Point the camera at the van.
The camera swings back to the van on the verge. Fade to black. (This is end of part one on the original TV broadcast.)
For the first few seconds of part two, only the voices are heard
over a black screen.
Vim: But why not?
Shot of Vim, Den and the film crew standing on the grass verge, between the broken down van and the film crew's bus which is parked behind.
Director: Because it's your problem, right? You've got to handle it. We're just here to point the cameras. That's the whole point of documentaries. (Spider appears from the side, shivering in his sleeveless T-shirt. Tracy is rubbing his arms to warm him up.) Look, don't worry, it's gonna look really good in the film anyway. It's great, it's really interesting. We're lucky it happened, actually.
Den: You're lucky I don't knock your fuckin' head in.
Director: There's no need to get violent, is there? And try not to swear so much, please, for the sake of this film...
Den: You can always put in a fucking bleep, can't you?
Director: Yes, yes, that's not the point though.
Vim: No, no, that's not the point, is it? The point is... the point is, how come you think you can interfere with the way we talk and not interfere when the van's broken down?
Den: Yeah, right.
Vim: Answer that and stay fashionable!
Sound man: Come on, boys, eh? Keep cool...
Den: (turns to sound man) Fuck off!
Vim: Fuck off!
Sound man: Don't talk to me like that!
Director: (turns to cameraman) Cut it. (Camera keeps running.) CUT IT!
Cut to a shot of the film crew's bus driving along. As it goes past we see that it is towing the band's van.
Vim: (voice-over) It's obvious we're gonna make it. I mean, we're the only band I know that can play a 13-bar boogie! I mean, all we've gotta do is make a record and sell it.
Cut to a shot of the front of the van. Den and Spider drop their trousers and moon out of the window.
Vim: (voice-over) I mean, we'd be as rich as the Stones if we'd sold as many records as them.
Cut to a shot of the outside of a theatre. Caption: "The Roxy, Grantham". Sally is interviewing the manager of the theatre outside the building.
Sally: Robbie, you've been manager of the Roxy now for fifteen years...
Sound of horn. Sally and the manager dive out of the way as the van nearly runs them over.
Cut to Spider, Den and Tracy in an office, eating sandwiches. Spider has his feet up on the desk.
Den: Anybody want this last cheese one? (He takes the sandwich.)
Tracy: There's not much, is there?
Spider: No.
Tracy: I mean, I thought they laid on, like, sort of, you know, food and drink, and that.
The manager enters.
Manager: Excuse me... er... what d'you think you're doing?
Den: Eh?
Manager: This is my office! (Removes Spider's feet from the desk.) This is my office! You're not supposed to be in here!
Spider: Your office?
Den: (hides the sandwich behind his back) What?
Spider: (getting up) Sorry mate, we thought this was the dressing room.
Manager: No, no, no, no. Dressing room's out there. (Points.)
Spider: (looks out) All I can see is the toilets.
Manager: Yeah.
Spider: Oh, I see.
Den: Oh, not the bloody toilet again. (He gets up and starts to walk out.)
Manager: Look, I, er... I came to tell you they're ready for a soundcheck.
Den: We've gotta sort out this toilet business, though, alright?
Manager: Right on, man.
Den leaves. Tracy follows him, but the manager takes hold of her before she can leave.
Manager: You don't have to go yet, do you?
Tracy: What?
Manager: Listen, love, soundchecks are very boring... (Shuts the door.)
Cut to the band on stage. Den, Vim and Spider are playing, Colin is standing at the side, sulking.
Vim: Stop! STOOOOP!!! (They stop playing.) Stop.
Den: What's the matter?
Vim: You're supposed to come in then, Colin.
Colin: All I'm asking, Vim, is that you let me sing just one number.
Vim: Yeah, I know, I know, and I say you can't. Okay?
Colin: Well, it's just not fair!
Vim: Look, this is my band, so it's fair.
Colin: Well, if that's the way it is, it's my brother's PA and I say that you all can't use it.
Vim: The only reason you're in this band is 'cause you've got the bloody PA!
Colin: Well, maybe I should take my PA to a band where I might be appreciated a little bit more!
Vim: (shouting) Well, it'd better be a band in Grantham then, 'cause it's not going back in my van!
Colin: (also shouting) Yes! Which I paid for to have repaired!
Manager: Oi, oi, oi, lads! (Appearing at back of hall.) I'm afraid that's all there's time for.
Vim: Eh?
The manager switches the power off.
Cut to the theatre foyer. Colin is using the public telephone, with his back to the camera, unaware that he is being filmed.
Colin: ...but the van broke down. Huh. No, the van really broke down. Mum, could you take... Mum? Yeah. Could you take some library books back for me? Yep. Erm, Blair's "Origins Of Feudal Britain", er... (realizes with horror that the camera is on him) ...Quo, er, Motorhead, erm, Saxon.... Uriah Heep, sure... and loads of bands. er... and you can quote me on that, yeah, sure. Err.... Yeah, okay, thanks, er, goodbye... er, see ya. Okay, ciao. Yeah. (Hangs up receiver and turns to camera, laughing nervously.) Another reporter.
Cut to Spider playing a pinball machine. Sally stands beside it, leaning on it.
Sally: How did you get into the music business, Spider?
Spider: Well, I went down the JobCentre and told them I wanted to blow their minds!
Sally: Do you always play the pin tables before a gig?
Spider: No. You asked me to 'cause you thought it'd make a nice shot. (Grins at camera.)
The camera follows Sally into the lavatories.
Sally: Den! Den!
Den: (off-screen) Who's that?
Sally: It's Sally. (Stops outside cubicle door.)
Den: What are you doing in here? This is the men's!
Sally: I've, er, come to interview you.
Den: But... I'm on the toilet!
Sally: Why? Is that because you're nervous? (Sticks microphone through the gap at the bottom of the door.)
Den: Nervous? No... Oh, I see, you thought I was shitting bricks! Well, I am, but it's got nothing to do with nerves. It's just, like... (plop) this problem I got. You'll know when I'm nervous, 'cause I throw up.
Cut to Sally and Vim sitting on a staircase. Vim is smoking a cigarette. They both look very relaxed.
Vim: Yeah, I know, 'cause I was born to be on stage, you know? (Hands cigarette to Sally.)
Sally: Thanks. How do you know? (She takes a drag.)
Vim: Well, I mean, what can you do when you're multi-talented? I mean, you can't just sit at home in a coma. I could've been a Michaelangelo, I could have been... Wordsworth... Joe Bugner... anything. (Sniffs, laughs.)
Sally: (laughs) This is strong stuff, isn't it?
Vim: Certainly does the job alright, doesn't it?
Sally falls down one step as she hands the cigarette to the director.
Sally: (to Vim) Aren't you gonna sleep with me tonight?
Vim: (grinning manically) Eh?
Sally: (quietly, giggling) You gonna... sleep with me
tonight...
Cameraman: (out of shot) 'Cause you haven't said "cut" yet.
Director: Well, doesn't it appear a bit obvious sometimes?
Cameraman: Well, now, you said the art of making documentaries was to keep running all the time.
Director: Oh God, cut, please.
Cut to Den vomiting in a corner. Pull out to show Sally and Spider watching. Spider hands Den his guitar.
Sally: Are you nervous now, Den?
Den: No... I think it must be something I ate.
Spider: Looks like everything you ate!
Vim: (arriving from behind Spider) Come on, we've gotta get on stage now! (Sees Den vomiting.) Oh Den, what's happening? Oh God, come on, man! (Pushes past him towards the stage. The others follow.)
Den: Alright. It's alright.
Spider: Rock 'n' roll, man!
Den: (to camera) Sorry.
Cut to the band on stage. There is a huge skull painted at the back of the stage.
Vim: One, two, three, four!
They start to play.
The band continues to play. The lyrics are largely incomprehensible and the music hopelessly out of tune.
Vim: (voice-over) We've got quite a following now. Erm, not me and my dad, I mean the band, you know. You can't beat a good live band. I mean, I just live for playing live. I'd do it for free if I didn't need the money.
The band plays on, until the song eventually staggers comes to a halt.
Vim: (voice-over) The buzz... the buzz you get off the audience is amazing. I mean, it's the audience that makes a gig, you know? When you're on stage there, and there's this huge crowd of people, all sweating and jumping about, and all enjoying themselves, and it's all because of you.
The camera swings round to show that the audience consists of Tracy, three bored looking men and a dog.
Tracy: Wooh! Hurray! Bad News are great! (etc.)
Vim: Okay, we're gonna do our next number now, called "Businessman"! One, two, one, two, three, four...
The band starts up again. The song sounds very similar to the previous one.
After the gig. The manager is walking down the hall towards the band, who are still on the stage.
Manager: Hey lads... Hey lads! I just wanted to say it was a great gig. Tremendous.
Colin: Well, thanks very much. Did you think that when I...
Vim: Er, what about the money?
Manager: Eh?
Vim: What about the money?
Manager: I'm sorry, I'm afraid there isn't any.
Den: What?
Vim: What?
Manager: Well, you saw them out there tonight, didn't you? Four people!
Spider: Don't forget the dog!
Den: Yeah, you didn't let the dog in free, did you?
Vim: I don't understand, we were on a straight forty quid, there was no box office or nothing.
Manager: Look, I said I'm sorry, didn't I? I'll go and check it out, okay? (He leaves.)
Vim: Yeah, well, you'd better do!
Spider hits a cymbal in anger.
Vim: They did a good job on that skull, didn't they?
Den: Yeah. And that smoke was quite good, too.
Colin appears in front of the stage.
Vim: Well?
Colin: Can't find him. Must have buggered off.
Vim: Bastard.
Tracy: It's not his fault! I think he's quite nice.
Colin: You shut up, you tart! He's trying to get out of paying me!
Tracy: Well, that bloke told him not to! (Points towards director.)
Vim: What?
They all turn to look at the director.
Tracy: He told him not to pay you!
Vim: What, him?
Tracy: Yeah!
Vim: (advancing on the director) What, is that right?
Director: Look, look, don't worry. You'll get your money, I'm just trying to make it a bit more interesting, you know... create a bit of conflict.
Vim: Yeah, well... (jumps down from stage) I mean, if
it's conflict you're looking for... (Punches the director.)
Vim: (punches him again) And who's gonna stop me? (Knocks the director to the ground.) Get the camera, Den!
Vim continues to punch the director. The others jump off the stage.
Director: Keep rolling, Oliver! Keep rolling!
Den: (grabbing camera from cameraman) 'Scuse me, we're gonna borrow this a minute.
Colin: Vim! Vim, come on!
They start to run out of the hall.
Spider: We've got the gear! We've got the sound gear!
Colin: We've got to get up to the office and lock ourselves in! Make our own documentary!
Cut to black screen.
Spider: Okay, I think the tape recorder's working. It's going round, anyway.
Vim: Come on, Colin!
Den: Why don't you let me help you?
Colin: Look, just keep your hands off it, Den!
Den: What about that button there?
A very blurred picture of Den and Colin appears on the screen.
Den: Yeah, there you are, look, I can hear it now.
Colin: Alright, alright, so it's on. Can you just get back, I'll try and get you in focus.
Colin pushes Den backwards. As the picture comes into focus we see Den, Vim and Spider in the office. Spider is wearing headphones and holding a large microphone.
Vim: Come on, Spider.
Den: (bends over and shouts directly into the microphone) Hello Spider!
Spider: Ow! (Clutches ears.) Brilliant "joke", Den.
Den: Huh-huh! Thanks!
Colin: Okay. (Runs into shot.)
Den: Yeah. I just say "Heavy metal, top of the class, stuff the media up your arse."
Spider: Don't forget to get your cock out, Den.
Den: Eh?
Vim: Look, don't confuse him, Spider!
The camera falls onto its side.
Colin: Hang on. Hang on, it's fallen over.
Vim: Oh God, get it together for Christ's sake!
Colin: Look, will you just stop shouting at me, Alan, it's beginning to get on my tits.
Den looks into the camera lens.
Vim: Piss off, and stop calling me Alan!
Colin: Alright then, Ajax, or whatever your new name is.
The screen goes white.
Vim: Don't you dare wind me up!
Den: I think we've run out of film.
Vim: What?
Cut to black screen. The credits start to roll. The argument continues in sound only.
Den: Yeah, we've run out of film.
Colin: Oh, God!
Den: It's alright, there's some more over here...
Colin: Den... Den, don't touch... What did you go and do that for?
Den: What?
Colin: Never take new film out of a tin! We've got no film left now, it's a complete waste of time.
Den: Oh, I'll put it back then.
Vim: God, Den, you're stupid!
Colin: (quietly) What's the point?
Vim: You know what?
Colin: What?
Vim: This band is a pile of shit.
Den: Eh?
Spider: Hang on everybody, we're gonna run out of tape soon. Yeah, here it comes, any moment... now.
Sound of approaching police siren in the background.
Spider: No, hang on, I was wrong. It's gonna be about...