O levels Colin: That is because you are a shit, Vim Fuego. Vim: I'm not a fuckin' shit. Colin: Yes you are, you're shit. Vim: Don't fuckin'... Colin: Everything you've ever done has been stupid and shitty. It's true. Isn't it? Spider: Oh, don't start all this again. Colin: We're not starting anything again, Spider Webb, whatever kind of name that is! What have you got to say for yourself? Spider: Oh God, I can't take this! This is ridiculous! Colin: What is ridiculous? Spider: Every fucking hour of the day, all we do is... Vim: Every fucking hour it's fucking you, talking... Colin: Who? Vim: You! Colin: Yes! And why am I doing the talking? Vim: WHO FUCKING KNOWS? Colin: Why am I doing the talking? Because I'm the only person who knows how to string more than two or three... er... what are they... words together. That's why. Because you're an ignorant person. That's why. Den: That's right, it's good that he's an ignorant person. Colin: Absolutely, it is, it's good. Vim: I'm not a fucking ignorant person. Den: Oh. Yeah... no... well, I am. Colin: You've got to be stupid to play heavy metal. Den: You've got to be stupid and ignorant... Vim: You don't have... Spider: It helps. Colin: Well, that just shows your... Den: ...and heavy. Colin: It just shows your attitude, doesn't it? Den: Yeah! Colin: Your attitude is one of, "Oh, let's all be as stupid as we can, because we're all dull." Vim: God, I fucking hate you. Colin: (laughs) Vim: You never fuckin' stop, do you? Colin: It doesn't compare to the amount I hate you. Vim: Just fuckin' stupid mindless fuckin' words... Colin: Well, what...? Vim: ...coming out of your fuckin' arse all day long. Colin: Well, at least I... Vim: You think you're so fucking clever! Colin: I AM fucking clever! Vim: You're NOT fucking clever! Colin: How may 'O' levels have YOU got? Vim: I don't fucking have any 'O' levels. I don't fucking need any. Colin: Exactly. Exactly. No 'O' levels. Vim: In fact, I wouldn't want any fucking 'O' levels if I had to turn out like YOU fucking have. Colin: No 'O' levels, no 'O' levels... What? Vim: You fucking heard. Spider: I'm getting out of the band. If this is going on I'm leaving the band. Den: Have you got to have 'O' levels to get into the band? Colin: You ought to have. Den: Why? Colin: Well, because the level of stupidity is so appallingly low! Spider: If you two don't stop this I'm leaving right now. Den: Have you got 'O' level bass playing then, Colin, have you? Spider: Den, shut up. Vim: (shouting) How many fucking 'O' levels did Hendrix have, then? Colin: Good lord knows. Probably none at all. Vim: None! Colin: 'Cause he was so incoherent and died at an early age. Certainly didn't get first aid 'O' level, did he? DID HE? Vim: What the fuck do you want? Colin: I want intelligence... Spider: I just wanna get laid! Colin: ...reasonable friendship, and a nice, quiet, interesting, artistic band. Vim: Why didn't you go to fuckin' art college, then? Colin: I did! Vim: Well, why didn't you fucking STAY THERE? Colin: Because I graduated with a grade 2-1 degree. Vim: Oh, you're so fucking clever, aren't you? Colin: Well, if you'd try to speak a little... Vim: You're so fucking clever. Colin: Yes, I ruddy fucking am. I am very clever, and you are very stupid. You small minded, ignorant, working class oaf! I am cleverer than you, and that's why I'm the bass player in this pop group. Spider: 'Cause you're a snotty, snobby little fucking public school, upper... toffee nosed little runt. Colin: You can say what you like, you communist, but at least I've got some 'O' levels. What do you have to say to that, Mr CSE Champion? Did you get your woodwork? I hope not, although you probably did, and what did you make with it? A hammer and sickle? Den: Do you find, when you masturbate, that the handkerchief goes all crisp?