Locked In Vim: Hello? Hello? Den: Hello, Vim, look, get us some fucking lager, will you? Vim: How long have you been in there? Colin: Hello, you're through to Colin. Den: Seven hours! Vim: Good morning... Colin: You're through to Colin. Vim: How are you? Den: We're... we're thirsty! Vim: Have you been in there all night? Den: That's right, yeah. I've been locked in here with Colin all night... Vim: Well... Den: ...and we've run out of lager... Colin: I... Vim: Hang on, I'll try and find the key. I'll try and find the key, okay? Den: ...and what we need to do... Colin: Vim! Vim, can I speak to you? Den: ...is do something to shut Colin up! Colin: Vim, can I speak to you? Vim: Colin, over, Vim here. Colin: I'm not speaking to you. Den: You just did. Colin: I was just telling him so. Vim: Er, we can't find the key. Have you got the key in there? Colin: No... Den: Can't you just break the glass? Colin: Tell him that he has the key and he very well knows it. Den: Just break the glass! Vim: We're trying to find the key, okay? Don't panic. How long have you been in there? Den: Seven hours. Vim: Right. Fuck me! Den: Well, it's all very well to say that, but we're sort of stuck in here. We can't. Colin: How long have you actually known that we've been locked in here? Vim: Well, I've only just got back. I went home, I've had a kip. Colin: But you must have known at lunchtime that we couldn't get out of here? Vim: I, I didn't... it might be a practical joke, I think. I think Brian might have locked you in there. Den: Was it Spider? Vim: Brian's not here. Maybe Brian's got the key. Colin: Do you think Brian's got the key? Vim: I said, I think Brian's got the key. Den: I say, I've just thought, maybe Brian's got the key! Vim: I think Brian's got the key. Yeah, I think Brian might have the key. Colin: That's a point, if Brian's got the key then he's the man to speak to. Do you think Brian's got the key? Vim: Er, yeah, I think he has, but Brian's not here. Den: Where is he? Colin: Is this Brian you're talking about? Vim: Yeah. Colin: I think Brian might have the key! Vim: Yeah. Colin: Perhaps you should get in touch with him. Vim: Look, we'll go out, 'cause it's getting up to, sort of, elevenses, we're gonna go out for something to eat... Colin: Yeah... Vim: If Brian gets back, gesticulate through the glass, as if to say, "Have you got the key?" Den: I'll fucking masturbate through the glass! Vim: ...He might let you out. Den: Look, just get us out of here, right? I want a drink! Spider: No, we wanna see you get your cock out and go over the glass there! Go on! Colin: Vim? Vim! Hello, Vim! You're through to Colin. Hello, Vim? Spider: Hello, check! Vim: I'm here! Colin: Spider? Spider: Yeah, check, hello. Vim: No, Vim here. Colin: Vim. Hello, you're through to Colin. Erm... what happens if Roger gets back... er, not Roger, what's his name? It's a name like that... Brian. What happens if Brian gets back and you're out, he doesn't understand the gesticulations and, er, we have to wait another hour? Over. Vim: Errrr... Spider: You're... (laughs) You're fucked, over! Den: I tell you what... Vim: You're fucked! Den: I tell you what, Vim... Vim? Vim: Yeah? Den: Listen, if you go out now for elevenses, and you come back and Colin's brain is all sort of smeared all over the glass... er, that'd be alright, wouldn't it? Vim: Yeah. If you do that, can you make sure you do it near a microphone, and then we could sample it. Den: Okay, because I've been stuck in here for about seven hours with him now, and he hasn't stopped talking... Vim: Yeah, we sympathise. Den: ...and I just feel that I might just have to, you know what I mean? Colin: Hello, Alan? I feel that I haven't said anything for a while. Does Spider know that I realise he's got the key in his pocket, and his drums are in here and I could get really... ruddy frightful with a Stanley knife. Does he know that? Vim: Er, do you know that, Spider? Spider: Yeah, over! Den: Have you got the key, Spider? Colin: Alan, one of your guitars is in here and I'm not afraid to use my heel! Vim: Right, we're off for a while... Spider: Okay, we're off now! Den: Oh, thanks, guys. Spider: Bye! Vim: There's no-one in the studio. Den: What a couple of cunts, eh? Colin: Before you go... Alan? Alan? Vim: Hello, boys! Boys! Spider: We're back! Hello! Vim: I've just been down to reception... Colin: Yes, thank you. Vim: The news is, Brian hasn't arrived. Okay, we'll see you later, bye. Colin: Alan, you're through to Colin. Hello Alan.... Alan? Please! ALAN! ALAAAAAN!!! ALAAAAAAN!!! (sighs) Den: Vim! Vim! Colin: He's gone. Den: Spider! Colin: He's gone too. What time do you make it? Den: What a couple of complete and utter bastards. Colin: Yes, that's fairly obvious... Den: Fucking cunts. Colin: Yes, it doesn't help using... Den: Fucking shit-faced fucking moron bastard cunts! I'll fucking kill him! Fucking shitbag. Fucking cunt. Colin: (sighs) What, apart from swearing, are we going to do? Den: I don't fucking know.