Tech Notes (for Users):

1. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for you and all your co-workers. We're grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing them.

2. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past one, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.

3. Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!

4. When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.

5. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.

6. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a pound of muffin crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys.

7. When you get the message saying "Are you sure?", click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

8. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". It never bothers us to hear our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

9. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a Master's degree in nuclear physics.

10. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know jack about the problem.

11. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and processor capacity on that mail server.

12. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Heaven forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the print queue.

13. When you bump into a tech in the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We work 24/7, even while at the grocery store on weekends.

14. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip out.

15. When you bring us your own no- brand home PC to repair for free at the office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so your son can get back to playing DOOM. We'll get right on it because we have so much free time at the office. Everybody knows all we do is surf the Internet all day anyway.