How To Prepare For Ski Season
The following tips should help you prepare for the slopes:
- Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in
freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar
bills to warm up.
- Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every
use.
- Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your
head before you go to bed each night.
- If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on
the lenses.
- Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.
- Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in
your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and
poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop
things.
- Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them
with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
- Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
- Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to
run into you at high speed.
- Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger.
Be sure you are in the longest line.
- Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a
motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
- Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a
snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
- Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the
spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it
melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
- Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to
take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
- Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
- Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's
time for the real thing!