One-Liners
School of Questionable Philosophy

One Liners

• I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

• When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

• When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually.

• I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

• I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

• I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."

• I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer & farther, trying to see it clearly).... and says, "Here, you can go."

• I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

• I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops..."

• I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

• My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.

• I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

• I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

• A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and.......oohh, that's much better.

• I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.

• I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

School of Questionable Philosophy

• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

• Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

• If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

• When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

• If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?

• Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?

• If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

• Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

• What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

• Is it possible to be totally partial?

• What's another word for thesaurus?

• When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

• Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

• Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

• How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

• When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

• Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

• Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

• Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

• If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?