By Matt Groening (the creator of The Simpsons)
NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch,
they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if
Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
refer to each other as "Bullet-Head," "Godzilla," "Peanut-Head" and "Useless."
EATING OUT: and when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will
each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them
will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want
change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket
calculators.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday
Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is
437. A
man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes
out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items
left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery
shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man
reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the
Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him
from going
to the 10-items-or-less lane.
SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool
suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a
plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on
her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her
feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all
day.
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women
aren't looking, men kick cats.
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and
best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A
man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear
every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that
were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he
is
finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent
a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men
always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth
perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of Love, American Style.
WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the
ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".
HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.
They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and
they
dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large
loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from
a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the
end of the note.