Attention All Coffee-holics!

You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
(A little lengthy, but if you're a coffee-holic, you'll finish reading in no time!)

• You answer the door before people knock.
• You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• You can photograph yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
• You lick your coffeepot clean.
• You sleep with your eyes open.
• Your Thermos is on wheels.
• You help your dog chase its tail.
• Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
• You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
• You chew on other people's fingernails.
• You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
• Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
• You ski uphill.
• You speed walk in your sleep.
• You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
• The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
• You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
• You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
• Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
• You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.
• You can jump-start your car without cables.
• All your kids are named "Joe."
• You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
• Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
• You don't sweat, you percolate.
• You buy "Half & Half" by the barrel.
• You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
• You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
• You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
• Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
• You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
• You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
• The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
• Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
• You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
• Instant coffee takes too long.
• You channel surf faster without a remote.
• You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
• You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
• You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
• You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
• You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
• You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You short out motion detectors.
• You have a conniption over spilled milk.
• You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
• You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
• You don't tan, you roast.
• You don't get mad, you get steamed.
• You can't even remember your second cup.
• You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
• Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
• You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
• You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.