Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any," replied the first blonde.
"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "We aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!"
Flat-Chested Blonde (a cartoon)
There were three blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, the policeman shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds"...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ........."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth".
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one.
The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach. The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem.
The Pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem.
He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much," hugs the Pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section.
The copilot and flight attendant, who were watching, together ask the Pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York."
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before
Saint Peter at the gate to heaven. St. Peter said to them,
"Before you may enter the gates of heaven you have to tell
me what Easter is."
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where we all
have a big feast and we're thankful."
St. Peter said, "NO! That's Thanksgiving."
The second blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where we
celebrate Jesus' birth and give each other presents."
St. Peter said, "NO! That's Christmas."
The third blonde said, "I know what Easter is. Easter is a
Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of
Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples
when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him.
The Romans hung him on the cross where he died. Then they
buried him in a tomb behind a large boulder."
St. Peter said, "Very good!
Then she adds, "and every year the Jews roll away the boulder
and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow we have six more
weeks of winter."
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (The actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went
to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people
noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with
her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned
and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now
open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and
Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had
been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the
doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread
dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud
noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the
back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she
felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out,
but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour
until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
A guy is having a drink in a bar. A lot of drinks. A very dark bar. He
leans over to the big woman next to him and says,
"Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"
The big woman replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know
something. Sure, I'm blonde, and six feet tall, 210 lb.
and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. The blonde woman sitting
next to me is 6'2" and 220; she's an ex-professional wrestler. Next to her
is a blonde who's 6'5", weighs 250 lb., and she's a kickboxer professional.
Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"
The guy blinks and swallows, thinks about it a second and says; "No, not if
I'm going to have to explain it three times."
Three women escaped from prison....one was a redhead,
one a brunette, and one a blond. They ran for miles
until they came upon an old barn, so they decided to
hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up,
they found three gunnysacks and decided to put them
over their heads for camouflage.
About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came
into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up
and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the
sheriff asked him what he saw.
The deputy told him just three gunnysacks. The sheriff
told him to find out what was in them.....so the deputy
kicked the first bag, which had the redhead in it......
and she went "Bow-wow," so the deputy told the sheriff
there was a dog in the first one.
Then he kicked the one with the brunette in it and she
went "Meow." The deputy told the sheriff there was a cat
in the second one.
Then he kicked the one with the blond in it and there
was no sound at all, so he kicked it again and the blond
said "Potatoes."
Check out the blonde joke submitted to the Guestbook
Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street. Carol noticed a
compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it,
looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."
Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the compact. Patty looked in
the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!
A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get
your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today
you expect me to show it to you!"
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If
you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
The blonde reported for her university final examination which consists of
"yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares
at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration
takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking
the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she
is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin,
muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks
what is going on. "I finished the exam in half and hour. But I'm
rechecking my answers."
The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for
some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused,
explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant,
and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been
buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would
like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who
looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of
underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out
loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."
A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was
which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse
and that worked great until the other horse got his tail
caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like
the other horse's tail and the blonde was stuck again.
The neighbor suggested she notch the ear of one horse. That
worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed
wire fence. Once again the blonde couldn't tell them apart.
The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height.
When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse
was 2 inches taller than the black one.
Eleven women were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope
suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest.
Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.
As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that
didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish.
For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.
Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would
sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.
The blondes applauded....
A brunette, redhead and a blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun
and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided
to visit the ladies room.
They found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said,
"Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature:
a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you
will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something
false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness
for all eternity!"
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the
Brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three" and in
an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money. The redhead stepped
up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us three" and she suddenly
found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde
looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked
into the mirror!
Two girfriends were speeding down the highway at well over
90 mph.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel. "Any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road
behind them.
"Yeah, looks like it."
"@%#$&$.....Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again.....
"Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you
hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over," she
said.
"All over? Be a little more specific." said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled. "Ow,
that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "That
hurts, too."
Then she touched her right earlobe. "That even hurts!" she cried.
The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a
natural blonde?"
"Why, yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the
horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady
and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In
terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she
slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along,
seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to
try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become intangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against
the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness
when........
........the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears
and offers to grant each one of them a wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she becomes smarter and swims off the island.
The next blonde asks to be even more intelligent that the previous one, so the fairy grants her wish. She builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous
two. Once again, the fairy abides by her wish, and the blonde walks across the bridge.
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss,
concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically,
"What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning
I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss,
feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl, "Why don't
you go home for the day. We aren't terribly busy. Just take the day
off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need
to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He
looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying! He
rushes over to her, asking, "Are you going be
ok?" "No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my
sister. She told me that her mom died too!!"