Most of the quotes are laid out as follows:
Episode number (Episode name)
Person calling and others listening in
How Moe calls for the person
If anybody in the bar responds, who said what (usually, everybody in
the bar laughs, except in 8F08)
What Moe says when he realizes it's the crank caller
7G01 (Some Enchanted Evening)
Bart with Lisa and Maggie
Phone call for Al...Al Coholic...is there an Al Coholic here?
Wait a minute...
Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out who you
are, I'm gonna kill you!
7G01 (Some Enchanted Evening)
Bart with Lisa and Maggie
Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver Clothesoff!
Marge picks up the extension and hears:
Listen, you lousy bum, if I ever get a hold of you, I swear I'll cut your
belly open!
7G03 (Homer's Odyssey)
Bart with Lisa
Uh, is I.P. Freely here? Hey, everybody, I.P. Freely!
Wait a minute...
Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear
I'm gonna slice your heart in half!
7G06 (Moaning Lisa)
Bart with Lisa
Uh, Jacques Strap! Hey guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap!
Oh, wait a minute...Jacques Strap
It's you isn't it ya cowardly little runt? When I get a hold of you, I'm
gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood!
7F11 (One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish)
Bart with Lisa
Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour
Butz!
Oh, wait a minute...
Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I'm
gonna put out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!
7F15 (Principal Charming)
Bart (in Principal Skinner's office)
Uh, Homer Sexual? Aw, come on, come on, one of you guys has gotta be Homer
Sexual!
Homer says "Don't look at me!"
Oh, no...
You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my teeth
into your cheek and rip your face off!
Skinner, on the other end of the line, says "You'll do what, young man?"
7F22 (Blood Feud)
Bart
Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?
Listen to me, you little puke. One of these days, I'm going to catch you,
and I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick!
8F08 (Flaming Moe's)
8F09 (Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk)
Bart
Bea O'Problem! Bea O'Problem! Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem
here?
Barney says "You sure do!"
Oh...it's you, isn't it?
Listen, you. When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head for a
bucket and paint my house with your brains!
9F06 (New Kid on the Block)
Bart
Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Ah, why
can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss?
Barney says "Maybe your standards are too high!"
You little S.O.B.! Why, when I find out who you are, I'm going to shove a
sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!
9F06 (New Kid on the Block)
Laura Powers with Bart
Ivana Tinkle? Ivana Tinkle? All right, everybody, put down your glasses,
Ivana Tinkle!
2F19 (The PTA Disbands)
This isn't at Moe's; Moe is taking over as the substitute teacher for Mrs.
Krabappel's class during the strike
OK, when I call your name, uh, you say "present" or "here". Er, no, say
"present". Ahem, Anita Bath?
The students in the classroom laugh
All right, settle down. Anita Bath here?
More laughs
All right, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks!
Still more laughs
Hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh, oh, I get it, I get it. It's my
big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that!
3F14 (Homer the Smithers)
Mr. Burns
Mr. Burns says, "I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Wayland"
Oh, so, you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Wayland, is it?
Listen to me, you; when I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and stick
'em down
your pants, so you can watch me kick the crap outta you, okay? Then I'm
gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!
3F17 (Bart on the Road)
Homer
Homer says, "Hello, I'd like to speak with a Mr. Snotball, first name Eura"
Eura Snotball?
(Homer) What? How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag
to your butt and mail you to Iran!