In the silence of the night as I gaze out my lonely window at the moon, I think of you and all you have meant to me. I think I should be strong, yet I should also be angry.
I did not deserve what you have meted out to me, the lies, the broken promise. Yes, I know I am imperfect yet you seemd to focus on my every imperfection. While we lay together you secretly wished for another. No, you did not cheat you did worse. You led me to believe you loved me then one day told me you never could.
After a year together I had started to trust you with my heart, like a fool I placed it into your hands only to have you crush it. You were never cruel to me nor did you mistreat me. Yet, I feel used and unworthy because of the way you did do me.
What's that you ask? Very well, instead of looking at the things you did to cause me pain you blamed everything on me. Instead of facing up to your flaws you pointed out every one of mine. You never acknowledged your wrongs you just turned everything on me. It's easy to hide and blame someone else, but one day we must all face what we have done.
You told me you loved me, you made me believe you. Then out of the blue you didn't love me anymore. You wanted me to go and I did. You promised a short separation so we could work on us, then you avoided me and the relationship. You told me I was not affectionate enough, then when I tried to show more affection you told me you didn't want it. Yes, you lied to me and yourself.
But, the cruelest part was you knew my heart was shattered, you watched me cry and yet all you could do was tell me it was my fault. "you're not affectionate enough", "you're not compassionate enough". You were wrong. I am both of those things and more.
You played with me and never did you look at the good things about me, you were too busy picking apart every flaw I had. You were too busy dreaming of another time and another person, whom you also did this way to be with someone new because the relationship was having problems and instead of working on them you ran.
So be it, I will heal and I have learned a valuable lesson. With love comes pain. But, I will no longer allow you to blame it all on me, I will no longer hope to be with you, I will not set myself up to be hurt by you again. You will have to face up to your part in this because I won't take all the blame anymore.
You know what you have done I have no need to broadcast it to the world. If someday you decide to face up to yourself and admit your wrongs, as you expected me to do, then perhaps we may be friends, but you will never hurt me again.
I loved you then I love you now, but I can't stand still anymore while you go back and forth changing the rules, and I won't beg for forgiveness and cry to you either when you have done just as badly to me or worse.
If not being affectionate is a crime, so be it, I know I was affectionate enough as do others. If you think I have no compassion that is your right, but many others would argue with you. If you can't see me as I am instead of picking me apart then you are blind and another will see me and truly love me.
This is my honesty, I'm no longer going to be a fool.
