I don't want to give a false impression of where I am today, this is why I said, "I survived, right?" Yes...I am alive today...and telling my story. But, I still have such vivid memories, as though all of this happened only yesterday...I guess what I want you to understand is that you do not totally FORGET. If nothing else, please understand that if you are remembering its okay...you will get beyond this too. For me I have a place to put it, and every so often for whatever reason it comes out...and I remember and then I put it away. It has been very hard for me to tell this part of my story...no, this is not the end, but the beginning...I hope that once I have told my complete story, I will have somehow helped to put it to rest, although I know this is not totally true...because I have not confronted my family and I don't know if I can...My mother isn't in the best of health...she has had several strokes and says she does not remember things from the past...I have had to ask myself, what do I hope to gain? will it be met? I recall a time when I was in my thirties and my mother had just watched something on one of the day time programs and the topic was about a little girl who had been sexually abused. My mother started to get upset saying over and over "I don't know what I would do if one of you had been raped", she said she did not think she could deal with it. My mother then asked me if I had ever been "messed" with. I went stone cold and started to shake, I couldn't answer for what seemed like an eternity, but I knew I could not tell her. I didn't want to be the one to send her over the edge. I felt she didn't really want to know! I had to ask myself again, what was I going to gain by bring it up...It wasn't going to change anything. It wouldnt bring back what had already been lose...my childhood...my virginity...my peace of mind...Yes, I am taking a chance even now, but I wanted to let others know, they are not alone. I sometimes wonder, Would I have become a VICTIM anyway? Did what happen to me at age 5 [five] cause me to be hurt and abused over and over again? I once went to see a professional [I won't say what I thought of this person *S*] when I was in my early twenties[20]. I was told that what I was going throught had nothing to do with what happened to me when I was younger. She seemed to be angry at me! I don't no, nor did I understand then why she was so angry. I must say this was before I forgave me...Yes, I needed to forgive myself...I had to let "Me" know that it was okay, that I had done nothing wrong...for so long I thought it was because of something I had done. I was a baby [from the sixties]... I knew nothing about sex...
