Warning: This fic WILL shock and offend you, if it doesn't, well, they have places for people like you, and me as well. Also something about none of this being mine in ownership, I didn't make any of these characters, with exception of the four pokemon, Canospam, Pliobricks, Brick, and Metapod 2. Thank you for nothing, you didn't pay me for this.
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What If Ash Had A Metapod?!?

Every time I am flipping through the channels, I usually happen to catch a second or two of Pokemon. I wouldn't ever watch the show, because it sucks. All Ash does is get his ass kicked, and then he sends out Pikachu. Pikachu uses Thunderbolt or some dumbass thunder move, and Presto! Ash has yet another badge. The thing that makes me angriest, is that Pikachu is only famous because it is Ash's favorite Pokemon. So, I'm going to gaze into my uncle's shiny bald head to answer the question that has plagued mankind for years.............What If Ash Had A Metapod?!? How would the world change, let's find out....... 


Nickelodeon Headquarters

Nickelodeon is thinking of a way to get back viewers. Kids used to watch Nickelodeon for cartoons, but ever since the WB bought all those Pokemon episodes, Nick's ratings have been going down the crapper. The owner of Nick is proposing a plan to back them popular again. We now join the following conversation in progress...

Owner of Nick: Since there is no way to compete with the WB with the crapola we have now, I have decided to buy some Pokemon episodes from France. I'm sure that these will get us back on top.

Everyone around the table murmurs.

Owner: What? What the hell are you all murmuring about? Tell me or I'll have your families killed and fed to dogs.

A random yes-man stands up amongst the sea of suits, and speaks: Um, sir?

Owner: What is it, damn it?

Yes-Man: (nervously) Sir, they make Pokemon cartoons in Japan, not France.

Owner: Hmm, really. Well, I'll have the whole country destroyed.

The owner presses a button on the little intercom thingie to talk to his secretary.

Owner: Jean?

Jean: Yes, sir?

Owner: Jean, I want you to have France blown up. They piss me off. They sold me some fake Pokemon episodes. Destroy those smelly French immediately.

Jean: Sir, you no longer have that power. Maybe back in 1993 when Ren and Stimpy were gods, you could do that. Now, Nickelodeon is one of the biggest jokes on TV. All you have now are some reruns of Kenan and Kel.

Owner: (chuckling) Ah, those Kenan and Kel always crack me up. Who would have thought that a dumb black kid, and an even dumber fat black kid could be so funny. Oh, well. I only bought six episodes, so we will air then starting tomorrow.

Yes-Man: Sir, today is Tuesday. Shouldn't we wait until Monday?

Owner: Well, I guess you're right. By Tuesday, Nickelodeon will be back on top. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha !!! Little did he know...

That Monday, episode one aired.

Episode one: Hey you, Metapod!

Ash is waking up and looks over at his clock. It reads 9:30. Ash is late for his first day of becoming a Pokemon trainer.

Ash: 9:30?!? That's the last time I have a party with hookers and blow. The hookers turned out to be drunk frat guys, and I think I fucked my mother last night. I mean I'm not complaining or anything, because the two people I fucked last night were great lays. Ash turns over in bed to face his mother and Professor Oak.

Ash: AH! Professor Oak and my mother?!? I had sex with the two of you last night?!? I can kind of understand my mother because she's got big knockers and a great ass, but Professor Oak?!?

Oak: Don't worry too much Ash. You didn't even have sex with me. It was just your mother.

Ash: (relieved) Really? Wow! That's great!

Oak: Yes, Ash, you didn't want to fuck me, so I licked your balls while you pleasured your mother. It was quite great Ash. We should do it again sometime, but make sure that the hookers aren't drunken frat guys again.

Ash: You mean I actually let you lick my balls?

Ash's Mom: Oh, don't complain Ash, it was great. You decorated my stomach like a birthday cake. You splattered semen all over me!

Ash: You two are sick, I've got to go. I'm late for my first day of training. Oak, aren't you coming? You got to give me my first Pokemon.

Oak: I thought I came plenty last nig... OH! You mean down to the Lab! Yes, I'll leave right now! Oak leaps out of bed grabs his pants, shirt and shoes and takes of down the street in his underwear. Ash does the same. He gets out of bed and puts on some clothes, while muttering to himself about how much he hates morning wood. He grabs his backpack and goes to head out the door, but his mom stops him.

Mom: Ash, shouldn't you eat something before you go, I don't want you going out and getting your ass kicked on an empty stomach.

Ash: Well, what should I eat, we are out of food. We've been eating out for three months. When are you going to do grocery shopping?

Ash's Mom spreads her legs, and lifts them high in the air: I've got something you can eat, big boy.

Ash: That's disgusting Mom!

Ash stops and thinks about it, then goes over and eats out his mom. She cums all over his face. Five minutes, Ash is out the door. He would have run all the way to the Lab, but Ash is out of shape. The lab is just at the end of the street, but Ash has been drinking and smoking heavily again. After about three houses, he stops to wheeze and catch his breath, then decides to walk the rest of the way. Ash gets to the front of the lab, and slips on his sunglasses. He doesn't want the scientists to see his bloodshot eyes, because they'll know that he fucked his mom, while Professor Oak licked his balls. Ash walks in the door.

Scientist 1: (noticing the sunglasses) So, Ash, you fucked your mother last night while Professor Oak licked balls again?

Ash: Where would you get an idea like that?

Scientist 1: For one, Professor Oak already told us, and two, is that tuna fish I smell?

Ash: Shut up! Where the fuck is Oak?

Scientist 1: He's in back, you (emphasis) Mother Fucker!!! Ha hah ah ahahahahah!

Ash screams "fuck you" and runs into Oak's little room in the back. He opens the door, and sees Oak sitting in his chair with his eyes closed, his head hanging back. One hand is underneath his desk. Drool in coming off his chin, and he's emitting a deep moan from his throat.

Ash: What's wrong, Professor Oak? Have you overdosed on heroin again? Or let me guess, you're on another acid trip. 

Oak sits up in his chair, and zips up his pants. He wipes the drool off his mouth, and: Hello, Ash. How are we today?

Ash: Are you OK Professor Oak?

Oak: (chuckling) Oh, that. No, I was masturbating while thinking about the gym leader in Cerulean City. She is such a piece of ass. I'd like to bend her over a chair, and fuck her up the ass until her anus bled.

Ash: Are you talking about Misty?

Oak: Yes, yes I am. She's a piece of ass, huh Ash?

Ash: She's only ten years old!!! You're sick Professor Oak!

Oak: Oh, don't sound so disgusted. You're only eleven Ash, and I licked your balls. You didn't seem to mind.

Ash: I just started producing semen last week. You are one sick man, you know that!

Oak: Ah, you know the old saying: If there's grass on the field, play ball!

Ash: Eww! Girls are gross! They have cooties. Anyways, can I have my Pokemon now. I really want to start on becoming the greatest Pokemon ever!

Oak: No. You showed up late. I already gave away the three I had, and you're just shit out of luck you little turd. Now, go away. I want to masturbate.

Ash: Give me a Pokemon, you old pedophile!

Oak: I told you that I gave them all away! Now either you leave, or you can watch me jack off!

Ash: What about Pikachu?

Oak: What about him? I think that thing is so incredibly annoying! If I could, I would kill it and run over its remains with a car. Never have I thought one little yellow animal, could be such a pain in the ass! (When Oak says this, half a billion kids who dedicated their life to Pikachu, suddenly die of heart failure. None of the parents seem to care because now they don't have to hear about Pikachu anymore. The President of the United States of America now dubs this day, Happy Day, because Pikachu is dead, along with all of his followers. The owner of Nick learns about this and immediately calls up the station.)

Owner: What the fuck?!? Didn't you guys watch the episodes before putting them on the air?!? I didn't mind the sex or foul language because I figured that's the way America was today. Nevertheless, this blatant Pikachu bashing has gone too far!

Director at Nick: Sorry, sir, who could have thought the French could be sick fucks???

Owner: French?

Director: Yes, you bought these episodes from them, remember?

Owner: Damn it, have them destroyed!

Director: (knowing that his boss is a moron) Right away, sir, but what about the episode that's on now?

Owner: Take it off, immediately!

Director: And what do we do now?

Owner : Um, I don't know, cut to an old Kenan and Kel episode! The Pokemon episode is replaced by Kenan and Kel. It's the episode where Kenan found a screw in his tuna, and sues the Luna Tuna company. Let's now join the episode in progress...

Kel: (dancing around court) I put the screw in your tuna! I put the screw in your tuna!

Kenan: Ooo, I'm gonna kill you Kel! The audience laughs, and a good time was had by all.

On Tuesday, episode two aired.

Episode Two: Ash finally gets a Pokemon! Ash is sitting in front of a restaurant, looking like a homeless person. Some guy spits at him, and tells him to go buy some Pokeballs. Ash lifts up a sign that reads: PROFESSOR OAK IS AN ASSHOLE! WILL WORK FOR POKEMON. His belt is laid in front of him, so people can attach Pokemon they don't want to it. He would ask for money, but in the show, it doesn't exist. They never have to pay for food, or hotel rooms, or anything, so why should they in this story? Anyway, some little kid comes along with a bug-catching net and smile on his face.

Ash: Spare some Pokemon for the needy? 

Kid: Why should I help you? Can't you work for yours just like everyone else?

Ash: I would have gotten one, but that Professor Oak is an asshole. He promised he would give me one, but he ended up giving it away.

Kid: Well, since I got a big haul today, and the script says so, here, you can have this. The Kid hands Ash a Pokeball.

Ash: Wow! Thanks, kid! What is it?

Kid: It's a Metapod.

Ash: Cool! What attacks does it have?

Kid: Attacks? It only has Harden.

Ash: Well, is it cute? Can we put out tons on worthless, shitty merchandise with it's likeness on it? 

Kid: What? Hell, no! The thing looks like a big, green hard-on!

Ash: Ooo! I'll name it BONER!

Ash obtained BONER!

Kid: Take care of it. I'll be back later to battle you!

The Kid runs off, and Ash gets up from his puddle of piss. He grabs the Pokeball, and goes running home to tell his mother. About three steps later, he stops to wheeze and catch his breath. Ash really needs to get in shape. He gets to the front door, and stops when he hears screaming from inside the house. He rushes inside only to find... his mom getting fucked in the ass by Gary. Ash's rival is fucking his mom. Gary pulls out and aims toward Ash. He tries to jump back, but still gets hit in the leg with semen. Ash touches the semen, and eats it.

Ash: What are you doing here, you bastard?!?

Gary: What does it look like, you little turd? I'm pleasuring your mother. She says my cock is bigger than yours will ever be!

Ash: Mom, is this true?

Mom: Why don't we all stop fighting, and just have a two-on-one? C'mon, Ash, I'll let you be in front this time.

Ash: No, only I can pleasure my mother. Hey, Gary, I challenge you to a Pokemon battle! One on one. You have to choose your favorite, and put it up against my secret weapon.

Gary: OK! I'll choose, my Mewtwo! (Gary pulls out a Pokeball and throws it) Go, Mewtwo!

Ash: Go, BONER! (Ash throws out his Pokeball with Metapod in it)

Gary starts to laugh at Ash: A Metapod, are you serious?!?

Ash: BONER, Flamethrower! (Metapod looks at Ash like he's a moron) OK then, Thunderjolt attack! (Metapod looks over at Ash again, and sighs) Fine, BONER, Harden! Metapod gets really hard. 

Gary: Ha! Mewtwo, Psychic!

Mewtwo: Quiet, you! I don't feel like using Psychic. I'll never listen to you again! And another thing, that retched Pokeball, I'm never going inside one of things ever again! Mine smells like a diaper full of cottage cheese and shrimp.

Gary: You have to listen to me! I'm your owner! You have no choice but to listen to me! Now use Psychic, or else (big threat)

Mewtwo: Oh, really?

Mewtwo looks over at Gary and his head explodes along with his heart, while his chest caves in. Mewtwo then kicks Metapod out the window, and it lands in a trashcan, where it belongs. Mewtwo, looking satisfied, then breaks down the wall, and flies to The WB headquarters. He finds the owner, and makes his anus come out through his right eye socket. The reason: the guy put Pokemon on TV 17 times a week. This was a long time comin'. He then flies to Mexico, for "target practice".

The Owner of Nickelodeon fumbles around for his phone book, then realizes he'll have his secretary do it.

Owner: Jean?

Jean: What?

Owner: Tell the guys down in Master Control to get rid of today's episode of Pokemon.

Jean: What should I tell them to put on in it's place?

Owner: Who the hell cares? Just, uh, tell' em to cut to an old Kenan and Kel episode.

Immediately, Pokemon is taken off, and replaced with Kenan and Kel. Kel is sitting at a table surrounded by ham. He keeps screaming the word: HAM! The audience doesn't get it, but laughs anyways because we actually allow blacks on TV. This thought helps them get through the rest of the episode.

That Wednesday, episode three aired...

Episode Three: Blitzkrieg, Mein Nazis!


This isn't even a Pokemon episode. It's actually old footage of Hitler talking to the people. How did the French get a hold of this, I'll explain. (Warning, everything about the Nazis written here is a figment of my imagination. It's just here to explain.) Right after we won World War II, we forced the Germans to pay us, and do some other stupid shit. We ransacked their houses and took what we wanted, even though you won't learn about it in your history class. We found this footage, and translated it: It was Hitler's plan to lose World War II, on purpose, and rule the world with something called the Fourth Reich. We felt like fools for beating him, and we needed to do something with this footage. If it found it's way back to America, we'd look like dumbasses, so what did we do? We put it in the last place anyone would ever look, France. No one likes the French because they are smelly, and they don't shave. The French found this, and ended up selling it to the owner of Nickelodeon for $2.3 million. Let's continue on with the footage in progress...

Hitler: Germany, Nazi, Mein Kampf, Volvo, blitzkrieg, Reich, Mein ,other German words!

Peasants: Da, nein, da!!!

Owner of Nickelodeon: (sweating) HOLY SHIT!!! I have no idea what he's saying. Jean, connect me through to the guys, in Master Control!

Jean: Whatever, sir.

Director: Hello?

Owner: What the hell is going on?!?

Director: I have no idea. What do you want us to do?

Owner: Cut to an old Kenan and Kel episode, but do it with some style!

Director: Um, OK, we'll try.

The director plugs a microphone into the audio board, and turns down the audio on the Hitler footage. He is going to dub over their voices,

Hitler: ( in obvious non-Hitler voice) Hey, my dog has no nose.

Peasants: ( obviously not a group) Well, then how does he smell?

Hitler: Horrible! Ha ha ha! With that out of the way, let's now watch an old Kenan and Kel episode. I love those two guys.

The Hitler footage is now replaced with an old Kenan and Kel episode. Kel is having a dream. Kenan gives him a giant, six-foot tall bottle of orange soda. Kel unscrews the lid, and orange soda sprays everywhere. Kel goes dancing around in it, like a fool. The audience once again laughs, not getting the joke, but only doing so because the sign flashing above them says to. Fade out and roll credits. A commercial airs for the new Pokemon game: Pokemon Green!

Announcer: Hey kids, did you like Pokemon Red and Blue? Kids: Yeah! Announcer: Well, how about Pokemon Yellow? Kids: (grumbling) It's OK. Announcer: Well, new from Nickelodeon, it's Pokemon Green! Kids: Huh? (One kid in back) What the fuck? Announcer: Pokemon Green is the same as Red, Blue, and Yellow, except you can only use Metapod! You can't collect any other Pokemon, and Metapod won't evolve for anything! He doesn't even have any attacks! Go bug your parents now! Kids: Huh? (One kid from before) Sounds like a piece of shit! Announcer: New, Pokemon Green, only $29.99! Instantly, it's a hit. Pokemon Green sells 76.92 million copies in 12 minutes. The nation is brainwashed, and Nickelodeon is happy.

That Thursday, episode four aired...

Episode Four: Ash sells out!

The episode starts out with Ash waking up in a hotel room. He looks around to make sure that Professor Oak isn't there. He isn't, so he rolls out of bed.

Ash: Gee, Metapod, what should we do today?

Metapod: Let's go try to pick up some chicks!

Ash: You can talk?!?

Metapod: No. My talking is actually a figment of your imagination. You hallucinate often, due to your chronic drinking. That, and you are inbred. Now, can we go pick up some chicks?

Ash: Can anyone else hear you?

Metapod: Didn't you hear me damn it? My talking is just a figment of your imagination. Now, can we go pick up some chicks?

Ash: Are you sure no one else can hear you?

Metapod: You need a drink kid. C'mon, put me in your pants, and go down stairs.

Ash: Then what?

Metapod: Gee, kid, you're even dumber when you're sober. Go up to a hot chick, and say: Hey, baby, is this a Metapod in my pocket, or am I just happy to see you?

Ash: Will that work?

Metapod: Let's go find out!

Eleven seconds later... Ash is now laying in the gutter beaten and bloodied. He got his ass kicked.

Ash: Hey, Metapod, I gotta teach you to fight. I got my ass kicked in there. I could have called you out, and you could have kicked there asses. Instead, you stayed in my pants, and it looked like I get a hard-on from getting my ass kicked!

Metapod: You did! I felt something poking in to my back the entire time! Didn't you hear me screaming: You sick fuck, get your dick out of my back?!?

Ash: So I did, but I only got hard from the women in there. You can't blame me for being human, can you?

Metapod: There were no women in there you gay bastard! Those, were drunk frat guys, again! That's the second time this week!

Ash: Shut up! C'mon, were going to go train! I'm going to make you the strongest Pokemon on the face of the Earth!

Metapod: Hey, dumbass, I don't fight!

Ash: You do now!

Ash picks up Metapod, and starts to run towards the nearest gym. After about three steps, Ash has to once again stop to wheeze and catch his breath. Ash had better get in shape, or it will cost him one day. Ash looks at his map, and realizes that the gym is a half-mile away.

Ash: A half-mile! I couldn't walk that far if my life depended on it!

Ash pulls out his cell phone and calls his mother. She comes and picks him up. Ash really needs to learn to become independent, or lose some weight. Instead of driving Ash to the gym, she takes him home where he can get a good night's rest. Ash had better get himself some better Pokemon, or learn to run, because he is going to get his ass kicked by every trainer on the planet. Only if that Professor Oak would have given him a better Pokemon.

While Ash is sleeping, someone breaks into his house. They find absolutely nothing of value, except his prized Pokemon. ( little does the thief know) The thief grabs Metapod, who is in his Pokeball, and leaps out the window. 

The next morning:

Ash: Oh no, my Metapod is gone!

Mom: Oh, don't worry. You'll find it later. Now, why don't you just come back to bed, honey. Mommy is getting lonely.

Just then, someone knocks at the door. Ash runs over to answer it, and sees a man he's never seen before.

Ash: Who are you?

Thief: Hi, I'm the guy that broke into your house last night. I just came by to return this.

Ash: You're returning my Metapod, but why?

Thief: It's a piece of shit!

Ash: WHAT?!?

Thief: I tried to use him, but he doesn't actually know any attacks. Here, take back you're Metapod.

Ash received Metapod!

Ash: Wow! Thanks, Mister!

Thief: Uh, right. Anyway, just don't tell the police about this. It would be pretty embarrassing getting arrested for returning property I stole.

Ash: Sure! Wow, I got my Metapod back!

What? Metapod is evolving! Congratulations! Your Metapod evolved into Metapod 2!

Ash: Wow again, Metapod! You did it, you finally digivolved!

Metapod: What did you say you insolent, little turd?!?

Ash: Um, I said, let's go have some warm apple cider and hot scones?

Metapod: You sold out!

Metapod, now six feet tall, grabs Ash by the foot, and turns him upside down. He looks at the bottom of his shoe, and instead of saying property of Nickelodeon, it says Property of Bandai!

Ash: So what if I sold out to Bandai, they are giving me my own clothing line, and they own the Power Rangers. Forget The Superhuman Samurai Syber Squad, VR Troopers, the Big Bad BeetleBorgs, and of course Masked Rider. Bandai brought the good shows from overseas, and I'm here to see that they put Nintendo and Nickelodeon out of business!

Metapod: You bastard!

Rita: ( up in outer space, oh, like you never watched the Power Rangers. The first two seasons were cool, but after that, it got kind of ridiculous. I mean, come on, they went Turbo, then Zeo, then in space, and underwater, and light, OH, yes, the Rita from Power Rangers.) Ha ha ha! Nickelodeon doesn't stand a chance! Grow, my corporate whore, grow!

Rita throws down her staff, and it shows the exact same sequence where it hits the dirt, then the camera zooms away, while Ash stands up, making it appear as if he is 100 feet tall.

Metapod: Well, two can play at that game!

Tommy: ( yes, the green, and white, and about 50 other Rangers) Oh no, Zordon needs us guys!

The Power Rangers teleport to where Metapod is. Since Metapod can only be heard by Ash, the Power Rangers have a hard time trying to understand what he saying. Metapod keeps bumping himself against a script, and it takes Tommy five minutes to figure it out.

Tommy: Oh, he's telling us to read our scripts! But wait, we can't read!

Alluva sudden, someone dubs over Metapod. He can now be understood.

Metapod: (dubbed) You guys are dumbasses! It took you long enough!

Tommy: Sorry, I'm a 37-year old portraying a teenager in high school. What is it!

Metapod: (dubbed) Ash sold out to the other side! You guys have to help!

Tommy: Wait, don't we own the right to him now? Shouldn't we be against you?

Metapod: There's an extra twenty bucks in your pay envelopes if you kill Ash.

Tommy: ( with no hesitation) Rangers, combine your zords to make, ( zoom in) The ultra mega mega Homega ( homosexual-omega) Zord!

The Ultra Mega Mega Homega Zord fires off about thirty little balls of light that are supposed to be missiles and Ash blows up. Yeah!

Owner of Nickelodeon: HOLY HELL! Jean...

Jean: Let me guess, ( a bad impression of the owner) connect me through to someone in Master Control, right away!

Owner: That sounds about right.

Director: Let me guess, ( a bad impression of the owner) cut to an old Kenan and Kel episode!

Owner: Yeah, that sounds about right.

The episode is instantly cut off, and replaced with an old Kenan and Kel episode. This time Kenan and Kel are in a grocery bagging contest. Kel sold out, and is working for a competing supermarket. Kel is in the lead, but to be a good friend, "passes out" just to let Kenan win. Kenan wins and Rigby's wins the bagging competition for the first time in like 27 years. Kenan and Kel then say I'm sorry, and the episode is over. Fade out and roll credits. After Ash dies, tons of mail come streaming in about how much they loved to see Ash die. Maybe next time, the owner of Nickelodeon will actually get a whole episode of Pokemon on the air. One never knows.

News Anchor Lady Sylvia: After watching today's episode of Pokemon, many kids became aroused. They then began walking around with no pants on, boner standing straight up, and saying: Hey, look, I have a Metapod in my pants. This has been common among men between the ages of 3 and 103. On another note, teen pregnancy went up 486,023,861 percent today. And now a word from our sponsor...

Announcer: Hey kids, remember the first Pokemon Stadium? Kids: Uggh (one kid in back) You're out of your mind! Announcer: Well, new from Nickelodeon, it's Pokemon Stadium M! The M stands for Metapod! Kids: What the fuck? ( same kid in back) Uh, yeah, what the fuck? Announcer: Just like on Pokemon Green, you can only use Metapod! To see if you are any good, we pit you up against the likes of the three legendary birds and Mewtwo! We even gave Metapod a new move, Super Ultra Mega Duper Stupendo Harden!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go bug your parents for this game now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kids: Yes, we are hypnotized! We have no choice but to buy this game! Announcer: New Pokemon Stadium M, only $69.99! Pokemon Stadium M sold 114.73 million copies in under 10 minutes beating the previous record held by Pokemon Green and the new 'Nstink CD. All because it had one new move, but then again, are you really surprised?


That Friday, episode five aired...

Episode Five: Ash tries to get a badge!


The episode starts with Ash going down to the laboratory to talk to Professor Oak. ( this next part didn't air, because it was replaced with an old Kenan and Kel episode, but you already knew that.) After the last episode when Ash when killed, he was visited by the gang from Dragonball Z. They did a bunch of stupid shit, and Piccolo somehow died. Anyways, they were both resurrected. This brings Ash's death count to one, and Piccolo's to 74. The gang flew off. Metapod 2 was long gone, because he took off in search of a cool trainer. That, or some really good Mexican food. Anyways, Metapod 2 is gone, and Ash wants to earn a badge. He can't though, because he doesn't actually have any Pokemon. So, Ash went to talk to Professor Oak. ( this next part did air, because it's on now.)

Ash: Oak, my Metapod 2 ran away!

Oak: You got a Metapod? It ran away? A Metapod 2? Wait, from the top. How did you get a Metapod?

Ash: ( has flashback of being on the streets) It was, uh, a generous donation. Some guy gave it to me.

Oak: How did it run away?!? The thing has no legs!

Ash: Watch the last episode for the answers to your other two questions.

Oak: That's what I was going to do today! I taped it off that great station Nickelodeon ( wink wink nudge nudge free plug), and I never got around to watching it! I think I'll watch it now.

Oak sits down and watches the episode. It doesn't even piss him off when the episode was replaced by Kenan and Kel. To tell you the truth, Oak really doesn't like Ash. After the episode is over, Oak realizes what he must do.

Oak: Ash, I've got an idea! I'll give you one of my Pokemon! If fact, you can take my six most powerful Pokemon! The only way you can borrow these is if you promise to take me with you on your journey.

Ash: OK! I'll go to Pewter City! I'll defeat Brock, the gym leader, and get my first badge!

Oak: NO! I mean, you've got to go to Cerulean first!

Ash: Why?

Oak: Because, I need to study, um, some new Pokemon that have been discovered there. Yes, that's it. I've got to "discover" something. Hmm.

Ash: Right. That's OK, I'll just take on the gym leader there, Misty.

Oak: No, she's mine you little bastard! I mean, that will work just fine, Ash.

Ash: Let's go then! But wait, I need my Pokeballs!

Oak: Right, your Pokeballs.

Oak runs over to his dresser where he keeps his Pokeballs. He pulls open the first drawer. Kiddie pornography. Nope. Second drawer. More kiddie pornography. Nope. Third drawer. Even more kiddie pornography. Geez, how much does this guy have? Bottom drawer. A bunch of Pokeballs are rolling around inside. Oak randomly grabs six, and throws them at Ash.

Oak: Here these are my best six Pokemon! Now, let's go!

Ash: Well, what Pokemon are they?

Oak: WHOTHEFUCKCARES??!?!?!?!?!?!? (one word. I told you he didn't like Ash.) Now, come on, we've got to go to Cerulean!

And with that, they were on their way. They both started to run down the street, but once again Ash was winded in no time.

Oak: Oh really, come on! You really need to get in shape!

Ash: Fuck you! Can't we take your car? 

Oak: What's a car? ( in the Pokemon world, there are no cars. Have you ever seen one on the show? I didn't think so. I know, last episode, his mom, gimme a minute. I'll explain that.)

Ash: You know, a car. It's a big hunk of metal with four wheels on it. It has windows, and runs on gasoline?

Oak: Have you been drinking again? I don't know what you're talking about.

Ash: Oh, I guess I must have been hallucinating again. But, how did I get home that night? ( Ash doesn't know it, but he was taken home by three drunken, frat guys.)

Oak: Right. I guess we'll just have to take bicycles. They're so fast and convenient. Now, let's hurry, those, uh, Pokemon aren't discovering themselves. Ash and Oak grab two bicycles and start to ride to Cerulean. Since Cerulean is technically in another country, ( well, not really, but it sets up the next joke) you have to go through customs to get into it. Oak and Ash ride up to the guard who is in his little booth.

Guard: Do you have anything to declare?

Oak: I love little girls!

Guard: OK, now sing the Pedophile Song.

Oak : Little pussy, pink and sweet, it's you that I would love to eat! Your snatch is small and has a cherry, my dick in you I'd like to bury!

Guard: OK. Continue fellow pedophile.

Ash tries to ride past, but the guard stops him. He waves a finger at Ash, and Ash knows he can't pass until he proves that he's a pedophile. Ash can't be a pedophile for two reasons: 1) He's only eleven. 2) Ash is gay. 

Ash: No I'm not!

Yes, you are. Now quit reading this and blow the guard so he'll let you in. If I catch you reading dialogue that isn't yours one more time, I'll put you on UPN!

Ash: No, please, anything but that! I'll just shut up and blow the guard!

Ash blows the guard, a member of Pedophiles of Cerulean. ( P. C. ,or politically correct for all you kids at home, something this group obviously isn't. E-mail me for your order forms today, because remember kids, you can't rape the willing!) The guard lets Ash past, and he rides into Cerulean.

Oak rode off without even waiting for Ash, so when Ash gets past the guard, Oak is long gone. Ash goes riding into town by himself. When he gets there, the first place he goes is the gym. Ash can't wait to try out the new Pokemon that Oak loaned to him. Ash walks into the gym, only to find Professor Oak and Misty gettin' it on!

Ash: Professor Oak, you sick bastard! Get out of here! You're supposed to be studying some new Pokemon!

Oak: Oh, yes, about that. I already did.

Ash: Really? ( what a fool) Who did you discover?

Oak: Well, um, did you see that pile of bricks outside? Well that's a new Pokemon named, um, Pilobricks! ( pronounced Pile o' bricks, not Pillow Bricks) It evolved from the new Pokemon named Brick! ( pronounced brick) They are both new, now leave, I'm in the middle of something, heh heh heh! ( Misty's asscheeks that is.)

Ash: Wow! Did you discover any others?

Oak: Uh, yeah. Look over on that table, see that can of Spam?

Ash: Yeah! ( a little too enthusiastic if you ask me) Oak: That's Canospam. ( pronounced Can o' Spam) Now, leave!

Ash: OK, I'll come back later!

Oak: ( grumbling) About time you dumb bastard!

Ash is going off to find a trainer to test out Oak's Pokemon on. He sees some kid sitting by the side off the road, and very slowly runs over to him.

Ash: Hey, let's battle!

Kid: Sure! Note: This is the way it actually is in the show and the game, pathetic is it not? Ash throws out a Pokeball, and who comes rolling out but, Metapod!

Ash: HUH?

Kid: Go, Canospam!

Ash: Can I choose another Pokemon, this is kind of unfair?

Kid: Sure, nothing you got can stand up to my Canospam anyways!

Ash throws out the other five Pokeballs only to reveal, five more Metapods?!? Ash can hear Professor Oak laughing inside his head.

Kid: Canospam, Gelatinous Blob! Canospam gets really, well if you've seen Spam, then you'll know what he's talking about.

Ash: What's Gelatinous Blob?

Kid: It's like Harden, only it deflects all attacks, and sometimes other Pokemon get stuck inside of him!

Ash: Wow, what else does he have? ( have you noticed how many times that kid has said Wow! I just thought I'd point that out) 

Kid: Watch this. Canospam, Preservatives!

Ash starts to choke on MSG's and dies. Mail comes pouring into Nickelodeon talking about how glad they are that Ash Ketchum just died again. This brings his death count to 2. After seeing this, the Owner of Nickelodeon takes this as a cue to put himself on TV. The current episode of Pokemon is now cut off, and replaced by the owner's face.

Owner: Hello, kids! I am the owner of Nickelodeon. Since it is so apparent that you want to see Ash Ketchum dead, we are going to air a special episode of Pokemon for you. I can't tell you what it's about, you'll just have to wait and see. But first, a word from our sponsor...

Announcer: Hey kids, do you remember Hey You, Pikachu? Kids: NO! ( one kid in back) If you say they're makin' another one, I'm gonna kill you! Announcer: Um, new from Nickelodeon it's Hey You, Metapod! Kids: ( in trance) must buy new Pokemon game. Shot of kid holding the box in his hand. Announcer: Remember kids, the only way you can hear Metapod, is if you're drunk! You must drink heavily before playing. The kid has a J&B on the rocks. Since he's only seven and this is his first drink, he gets pretty wasted. Kid: Alright, let's play! Metapod, sing! Metapod: No. I don't sing. Kid: OK. Metapod, dance! Metapod: Nope. I don't have any legs, how am I going to dance? Kid: Fine then, Metapod, Harden? Metapod gets really hard. Kid: Metapod, do you anything else? Metapod: I can cheat you out of 80 bucks! Kid: Oh, you son of a bitch! I'm going to kill you! Metapod: No, you're not. You just wasted 80 bucks on me. There is no way that you would destroy me. Now, just tell me to Harden, and we can all be happy. Kid: Fine, Metapod, Harden! Metapod: That's the spirit! Announcer: Go bug your parents for this game, today! Singers: He's small, he's green, he curses God, it's ( thump thump) Hey You, Metapod!

Owner: Wow! That was fasmatasmic! Now let's watch another Pokemon episode!

That same Friday, episode six aired...

Episode Six: The Many Deaths of Ash Ketchum!

The episode starts out with Ash laying in bed at home. He rolls over to see his Mom and Professor Oak, again. Ash grumbles to himself, because he has to get up and train. He'd rather stay in bed with his mother. CRASH! Mewtwo breaks through the wall, and grabs Ash, then flies back out the hole. Mewtwo flies around to the front of the house, and throws Ash on the ground.

Ash: I'm not afraid of you. Metapod, go! Ash throws out one of Professor Oak's Metapods. Metapod looks at Mewtwo, and starts to roll away.

Ash: Where are you going!

Metapod: ( mumble mumble mumble)

Ash: Oh no! The effects of the alcohol must be wearing off!

Ash pulls out his emergency bottle of Jack Daniels. Glug glug glug.

Metapod: If you think I'm going up against something like that, you've got to be out of your fucking mind!

Metapod slowly starts to roll away, when a kid on one of those dumbass razor scooters comes by and tries to run him over. Metapod Harden's instantly. The kid flies off his razor scooter, and into a trash can. Metapod is pleased. He then rolls away, never to be seen again.

Mewtwo: Remember me, shit-eater!

Ash: You can't kill me, this is my show ! I'm the star, and they would BOOM! Ash is cut off because his head suddenly explodes. Mewtwo looks satisfied, then remembered something. He's always been wondering if he could shove a Pokeball up someone's ass. He flies over to Gary's house, and pulls him out of bed.

Gary: Oh no, it's Mewtwo!

Mewtwo: Damn straight!

Mewtwo uses his mind to make Gary bend over, then he grabs one of Gary's Pokeballs from off his nightstand. He pulls down Gary's PJ's, and SPLORTCH!

Mewtwo: So it does work.

Looking satisfied, he then flies back to Mexico for more "target practice". This now brings Ash's death toll to 3.

Cut to shot of Ash in the police station in some city. He is talking to a police officer about putting out an APB ( All-Points Bulletin) to find his Metapod 2. The police officer is really his Metapod 2 with a police uniform on. Since Ash is once again drunk, and he is the only one that can talk to and understand Metapod 2, the rest of the station looks at Ash like he is crazy. That or drunk.

Officer M2: So what did the Pokemon look like?

Ash: He was about six feet tall, had arms and legs, and was all green

Officer M2: All right we'll look for him right away. But first, we have to do something. Come in back with me.

Ash follows Officer M2 into a back room with nothing in it.

Ash: What is this? Interrogation? Metapod pulls out his gun, and shoots Ash in the face. This brings his death toll to 4. 

Officer M2: That wasn't as much fun as I thought it was going to be. I'm not completely satisfied, Wait! There is something I've always been wondering about. I've always been wondering if you can shove a Metapod up someone's ass.

Officer M2 grabs one of the Pokeballs from Ash's waist, and throws it. Metapod rolls out, not looking very happy.

Metapod: You aren't going to shove me up his ass, are you?

Officer M2: Do you have to ask?

Metapod: Fine, get it over with.

Officer M2 picks up Metapod. He flips over Ash's dead body so he is backside up. He pulls down his pants and SQUATCH!

Officer M2: Squatch!?! What kind of noise is Squatch!?! Oh well, that was still fun.

Cut to shot of Ash in the Cerulean Gym. He is watching Misty and Professor Oak get it on.

Oak: Get out of here you little asswipe!

Ash: No, I want you to get out, because I'm the greatest Pokemon trainer ever!

Oak: Right. You didn't actually think we'd let you get this far with out a plan did you?

Oak pulls out of Misty, and puts his pants on. How respectable.

Misty: Oak, we aren't finished! Come on back, you big stud!

Oak: Quiet you!

Oak pulls out a gun, and shoots her in the face. He is satisfied. Ash doesn't seem to mind that a hot piece of ass like Misty just died, because he is gay.

Ash: No, I'm not!

What was that?!?

Ash: Nothing, I'm sorry! It will never happen again.

I'm sending you to UPN!

Ash: No, please give me one more chance!

Fine. I feel like killing you a couple more times anyways. One more outburst like that, and I swear it's off to UPN with you.

Oak: What were we talking about? That asshole writer interrupted me!

I'm sorry. What was that?

Oak: You heard me, you are an asshole!

All right! That's it! 

Oak is then to UPN, and he is forgotten about forever. UPN is obviously a portal that no one escapes from. C'mon look at it. Ever since Brandy got that show Moesha, where has her career gone? Nowhere! It stayed in the toilet, where it always has been, and were it always will be. Oh yeah, back to the story.

Ash: Hm. That was nice.

Hey, back to the story!

Ash: Misty, are you alright?

Misty lays lifeless on the ground. Ash lifts up her body to see if she moves. When she doesn't move, Ash pulls down his pants and starts to get it on with Misty's corpse. Note: After including many acts of incest and pedophilism in this story, I just felt I had to include necrophilia in this story. If you are offended, well, it's about time. Now, back to the story.

Ash knew that his love for Misty's corpse was true, and he planned on having her body taxidermied so he could go out with her without her losing flesh or decomposing. But, this love would never last because at that moment, a super, huge meteor collided with the Earth. It flew right in through the roof, and hit Ash right in the eye. Ash died. This now brings his death toll to 5.

Cut to shot of Ash standing in front of Team Rocket.

Jesse: It's about time we showed up in this story.

James: Yes, it's about time.

Hey, the UPN thing goes for you too.

James: Sorry. Ash Ketchum, give us your Pikachu, or face the almighty wrath of Team Rocket!

Ash: I don't actually have a Pikachu. I do have six Metapods, though. Will those work, instead?

Jesse and James talk it over.

Jesse: No, they won't do.

James pulls out a rocket launcher, and lays Ash to waste.

James: Hm, that was quite invigorating. Hey, Jesse, let's do what the viewers have been waiting for us to do since episode one!

Jesse: What, have sex?

James: That's right!

Jesse and James started to have sex, but their love could also never last. At that moment, another super, huge meteor collided with the Earth. Yes, this one also hit Ash right in the eye. This brings Ash's death count to 6. Cut to shot of Ash sitting in a lawyer's office.

Laywer: Ash Ketchum, you are being sued by Satan for a breach of contract. You appeared on another network without him getting all the profits. Satan is suing you for 893.3 billion dollars, all the profits you made during your one week stint on Nickelodeon. Plus your soul.

Ash: When did I sign this contract?

Lawyer: You remember the contract you signed selling your soul to become the most popular person on the planet? It worked, and you owe Satan one soul and 893.3 billion dollars.

Ash: Oh, that contract. Well, in the Pokemon world we have no money.

Lawyer: What do you mean no money? How do you pay for things?

Ash: Pay? I don't know. This type of thing has never happened before.

Lawyer: Alright, let me call Satan then. Since we are in Texas, Hell is a local call instead of long distance. ( if you've ever been to Texas, you know what I'm talking about.) 

Satan is now on the phone joining us via satellite. Ash and the lawyer are watching him on a big screen on the wall.

Lawyer: Hm, that's the first time that's ever happened. I figured he'd want us to use cell phones, I mean c'mon, who else but Satan could invent something as evil as the cell phone?

Satan: I heard that! And yes, I did invent cell phones, along with aluminum siding. What's more evil that that? ( if you've ever tried to put up aluminum siding, you'll know what I'm talking about. That shit sucks!)

Lawyer: Satan, Ash said he has no money.

Satan: Oh, right the whole Pokemon world thing. Damn. All right, instead I'll tae Ash's souls along with the lawyer's.

Lawyer: Satan, we already gave our souls to become lawyers.

Satan: Your right. Damn. Well, there is something I've always wanted to try.

Satan rises from the ground. He is wearing a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and chaps. Yuck. He is also riding a horse. That's gay.

Satan: Yee-haw! I'm here! Now, about your soul, Ash.

Ash: What are you going to do?

Satan: Just watch!

Satan grabs Ash, and bends him over. He pulls Ash's pants down, and stuffs the lawyer up his ass. He always wondered if that would work.

Satan: Yes, I always did wonder if that would work.

Hey ,the UPN thing goes for you too.

Satan; You can't put me on UPN, it's my station! Who else could create something so evil!

Alright! That's it! Satan is teleported to Hell, I mean UPN. Well, it's the same place. Think about it.

Satan: I'm home!

To make UPN unenjoyable for Satan, I've now put old reruns on for him.

Satan: What show could you put on for me that I didn't create?

Moesha?

Satan: My idea.

Full House?

Satan: Definitely my idea. I own Bob Saget's soul. The Olsen twins, too.

Nice. I've got it! 7th Heaven! I'm not making him watch it because it's got Heaven and God in it, that show is just pure torture! None of the kids are cute, except the middle girl. Oh yeah, and the little ten year old. Pedophiles Unite!

Satan: No, not 7th Heaven. I hate that show!

Satan is now forced to watch 7th Heaven for the rest of eternity. And he can't jack off no more, either.

Satan: NO!!!!

Ha ha ha!!!

Ash: What about me? I've got a lawyer stuck up my ass?

The impact of the lawyer hitting Ash in the ass, killed him instantly.

Ash: Huh? What do you, ACK!

This brings Ash's death toll to like 7.

Cut to shot of Ash in the Pokemon Leagues.

Ash: How did I make it to the Pokemon Leagues?

I don't know that's not important right now. You are in the Pokemon Leagues now, and you've got to get your ass kicked in front of thousands of people.

Ash: All right!

Note: It's now OK if Ash talks to me. He thinks he can only hear me if he's drunk like with his Metapod.

Ash: I like alcohol.

That's enough out of you.

Announcer: Our last and final battle for the Pokemon League Champion is about to start. OK, the match is now going to start. It is between Ash, ahe challenger, and Gary, the Champion!

It will be a three Pokemon battle. Now, Battle!

Ash: How come Gary is the champion?

Because it wouldn't be dramatic if it wasn't your rival.

Ash: Oh.

In my version of the Pokemon Leagues, no one gets to bring their own Pokemon. They are given six to battle with. What they get is a complete mystery.

Gary: Go, mystery Pokemon!

Ash: Go, mystery Pokemon! They both throw out thier Pokeballs. Gary gets a Diglett, while Ash gets a Psyduck. I let Ash bring Misty's Psyduck for fun.

Ash: And how!

Gary: Diglett, Dig!

Ash: Psyduck, Psychic!

Diglett digs underground, while Psyduck uses Psychic. Psychic misses Diglett, and hits Gary, instantly making him mentally retarded. Diglett pops back up with a rope. He hands it to Ash, and then runs away. That's the only thing I needed him for in this episode. He signed a union contract. He gets breaks every 10 minutes.

Diglett: Damn straight!

Ash pulls on the rope. He ends up pulling out Misty's dead body.

Ash: Alright, my love, you made it!

Misty's corpse: I...wanted...to...see...you...compete...with...my...Psyduck.. ( classic zombie talk)

Ash and Misty start to make out, but this pisses of Ash's Mom.

Ash's Mom: ( from the audience) He's my man you, undead bitch!

She pulls out a gun from her purse and shoots Misty in the head. Since she's dead, this doesn't really affect Misty. She spins around to face Ash's Mom, and instantly falls in love. They then run off together to Mexico to live together. In Mexico, they run into Mewtwo. Misty and Ash's Mom are living happily together six feet under.

Ash: Damn, I lost both my women in one day.

Anouncer: Since Gary can no longer form words, we brought in a trainer to take his place, Brock! Ash's Psyduck forfeited by leaving the stadium to jab me in the ass with his bill, so both competitors now have two Pokemon a piece.

Brock: Onix, go!

Ash: Mystery Pokemon, go!

Ash throws out his Pokeball, and out comes Pilobricks!

Ash: Pilobricks, Fall!

Pilobricks suddenly falls out of the sky, onto Brock, killing him instantly.

Brock: But, my contract says that, ACK!

Announcer: Hey, Pilobricks isn't a legitamate Pokemon. He's disqualified. Since Brock is dead, The Kid from episode two is here to fill in for him! Both competitors are now down to one Pokemon apiece.

Kid: Hey, remember me, Ash?

Ash: Hey, Kid!

Kid: You better have my Metapod, because I'm gonna knock it out!

Ash: Well, I don't know what my last Pokemon is. Let's find out. Mystery Pokemon, go!

Ash and the Kid both throw out their Pokeballs. The Kid's Metapod pops out. Ash gets, yes, you knew it was coming, a Metapod!

Ash: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kid: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Since this is both of their last Pokemon, they can't call them out. Let's now join the most energetic battle I've ever seen!

Ash: Metapod, Harden!

Kid: Metapod, Harden!

Both Metapods get really hard.

Ash: You suck, you know that!

Who, me?

Ash: Yeah, you! I can't believe you would dop something like this. You are an asshole!

Alright! That's it! Ash, you now get to see if you are going to UPN, unless, you can pass my test of strength!

Ash: What do I have to do?

You have to out race the falling stock prices of UPN!

Ash: You know I can't do that! It also has nothing to do with strength!

Shut up, now run!

Ash runs about three steps, and trips over Metapod. A hole opens up in the ground, and Ash falls into Hell/UPN. He now has to watch 7th Heaven episodes for the rest of time! ( enter evil, demonic CEO laugh) 

Go down for more fun stuff


Down: If you want your forms to become an offical Pedophile of America, you must e-mail me. My e-mail is metapod@fanboy.org After you complete the forms, e-mail them back, and in about a week, you will get your complimentary offical Pedophile of America ID! Real cool! If you want to hear the Pedophile song, or the Hey You, Metapod! Song, I will have little buttons on my e-mail so you can listen to them anytime you want. Also, e-mail to reply. Tell me what you thought of the story, because I've got some other stories in the works!