I: In the beginning, there was Emptiness.
II: And The Powers That Be looked upon this Emptiness and thought they
should spend a boring afternoon creating the Universe.
III: And they created the Universe, and said: This is Good.
IV: And they created Humans and Animals and Fish and Birds and
Plants to cover a planet called Earth.
V: And one day, on a similarly Boring Afternoon, one of The Powers That Be realised that the humans were bored too and created the idea of Television.
VI: And Television was created.
VII: And they said: Let there be Soap Operas, Documentaries, Sports, Comedy, Drama, Cartoons, Miscellaneous and all-importantly... Science Fiction
VIII: And so it was.
IX: And they said: Let there be a TV show amongst the Science
Fiction called Stargate SG-1 with Characters Jack, Sam, Daniel,
Teal'c and Janet.
X: And let there be keen-eyed Shippers amongst Humans to realise
changes in relationships between these characters.
XI: And then they hastily added: Sam and Jack being most valid.
XII: And so it was.
Chap. 2: The Enemy Within
I: And amongst The Powers That Be was Sokhar, and he looked upon Earth and its inhabitants with scorn.
II: And he was found spiking the Godly Coffee Machine in an effort to Take Over The World, and was sent to Hell as soon as another Power found time to create it.
III: And he lived there amongst the eternal and infernal flames, planning his vengeance on the world above.
IV: And he went Upstairs to find a Sam and Jack Shipper who he would attempt to Corrupt.
V: But first he had to tinge the minds of some of the Humans with the
thought of being an Unbeliever.
VI: And then he entered the mind of a Shipper called Alli, and spake to her: Look, Alli, look at the arguments the Unbelievers put forth. Would it not be wise for you to share them amongst your fellow Shippers?
VII: And Alli saw, and Alli did.
VIII: And the arguments were put onto the samandjack list where they were disproved and scorned by the other Shippers, and Alli's mind was cleansed, and Sokhar was sent back to Hell in a Bad Mood, for his evil plan had failed.
IX: And in his fury, he created an army of demons to unleash among the world and the Characters Sam and Jack.
X: He realised soon later that he only had enough material to create an army of four, and that is what he did.
XI: And he created the Apocalypse consisting of Kynthia, Narim, Martouf and Laira. And they each had their powers to use for evil.
XII: And he said to them: Go, my children, to the World Above and wreak Havoc among the Shippers and the Characters.
XIII: And they went.
Chap. 3: The Coming of the Apocalypse
I: And the demons walked among the Characters, and had interactions with them, and they made the Shippers angry.
II: And Kynthia used her Drugged Cake to seduce Jack and increase his ageing;
III: And Narim used his Gut-Wrenching 'holier than thou' attitude to royally pi- *cough* annoy the Shippers;
IV: And Martouf used his mind-numbing ability to Bug the Hell out of people;
V: And Laira took advantage of the situation at the right moment, and gave the Shippers the Fear of Jack fathering a child that was not Sam's; and she was the most successful of the unholy creatures.
VI: For the Shippers were very pi- *cough* annoyed with her, and people said she was a scheming bitca.
VII: And others said: Nay, she is a slut.
VIII: And there was much arguing on the list and friendships were (or
appeared to be) stressed.
IX: And Sokhar spake unto his creations: Mwahahahahaha.
X: For he had lost all ability to say anything else in his recently gained madness, which he caught through Alli's mind- *cough* er... too much time in the heats of Hell.
XI: And he yelled unto the Heavens housing The Powers That Be: Mwahahaha!
XII: And he was Ignored.
XIII: And he was Angry, and went to sulk in his Netherwordly Bedroom.
XIV: And later when he gained full speech he yelled unto them: See how I have corrupted these Shippers! See how I have broken them!
XV: And They replied: Nay, you have not, for Shippers do not break easily and are healing right now.
XVI: And Sokhar went to sulk in his Bedroom again.
Chap. 4: The First Commandment
I: On one day The Powers That Be invented Apophis and said: Let him be a bad guy that all can dislike.
II: And so it was.
III: And some Humans were confused, thinking unto themselves: I thought the first commandment was 'I am the Giant Man in the Sky your Power That Be's, and you will accept no Giant Man in the Sky before me.'
IV: And then they shrugged and forgot it, or told themselves: it is only
Television.
V: And a minature group of Corrupted Humans was formed; and they were called the Sam and Martouf Shippers.
VI: But they were not True Shippers for Shippers are pure and these people were not;
VII: And Jack heard of these Sam and Martouf 'Shippers' and thought to hisself: Urgh, no, he doesn't deserve her, he is a horrible slimy disgusting Thyng and she is Beautiful.
VIII: And the Unresolved Sexual Tension was quadrupled the next Episode to prove a point.
IX: And this Episode was Nemisis and Sam was invited to go away with Jack on a fishing trip.
X: And there was Much Partying by the Shippers.
XI: And this Episode spouted forth many fan fics.
XII: And it was a Joyous Time.
Chap. 5: Communication
I: And in the History Of The Shippers, someone discovered AOL Instant Messenger.
II: And they said: Hark at AIM, what are the SNs of people here?
III: And others replied: What is AIM? What is a SN? For I know not of
acronyms such as the likes of these.
IV: And others informed them: AIM is AOL Instant Messenger and SN is short for Screen Name.
V: And a third group gave forth the Screen Names, amongst them
PepsiShipper7.
VI: And there was a revolution of AIM, and there was a Chatroom 'AIM
SamandJack Chat' and it was saved to the Desktops of many Shippers spanning the World.
VII: And it was a Safe Haven for Shippers where they could talk about
Anything They Wanted.
VIII: And it was a Good Place to find out about Fic News including upcoming fics, cliff-hangers, or Cute Bits.
IX: And Sokhar Knew of these things because he is an Evil Entity and can do pretty much Whatever He Damn Likes.
X: And he said unto his minions: Raar!
XI: For he was angry and could not think of words.
XII: So he said: Raar! loudly and with passion, and his minions scurried
away to try and annoy the Shippers in the hope of pleasing their Master.
XIII: And Sokhar was Unintelligent, for he did not realise that whatever he did to the Shippers, The Powers That Be could do far worse with little
effort.
XIV: For they could Screw With Their Heads and create Annoying Characters to Tease and Worry the Shippers.
XV: And the Shippers cried unto the skies in one voice: WHY CAN'T SAM AND JACK JUST GET TOGETHER!?
Chapter 6:
The Running Away Very Fast of the Apocalypse
I: And in the fiery depths of Hell/Netu, Sokhar said unto his apocalypse:
Try to annoy the Shippers and the other Fans of the Show.
II: And they went, and they tried to annoy everyone.
III: And only Martouf had managed to perfect the 'annoying' stage of
annoyance:- for the others either took it too far or not far enough.
IV: And Forces were raised by the Fans, in particular the NoMoreMarty list.
V: And Weapons were handed out, and The Owner of the NoMoreMarty list said: The battle shall come.
VI: And one of the smaller members asked: Will this be Scary?
VII: And she said: No.
VIII: And Pepsi handed out Peps'ian warriors guns and staffs, and said unto them: Do not press the Red Button.
IX: And they asked: Why Not?
X: And she said: Just Don't.
XI: So they shrugged and wondered why she put in the button if it wasn't
needed.
XII: And on one day, the blindingly stupid thought entered Martouf's head: I wonder what the NoMoreMarty list believes in?
XIII: And he went to the list, and met the business ends of several Peps'ian guns and staffs and someone's Scythe.
XIV: And he discovered that the Scythe belonged to Death.
XV: And he asked in a Confused Way: When did you join The List?
XVI: And Death replied: IT MATTERS NOT.
XVII: And Martouf whined until Death could Stand It No More.
XVIII: And he said: OH, ALL RIGHT THEN. IT WAS FROM THE VERY BEGINNING.
XIX: And for Martouf, the whole world went dark. Then he realised he was Dead.
XX: And the NoMoreMarty list members partied until the next episode, when they were horrified.
XXI: And someone spake: Someone has used the Cloning Machine on Martouf.
XXII: And Angel said: Grrr @ them!
XXIII: And one of the more Computer-Literal demons went to the NoMoreMarty List Page.
XXIV: And he said unto the remaining members of the Apocalypse: You're not gonna like this, guys..
XXV: For they saw that the NoMoreMarty list was for the general bashing of all characters that have annoyed people at various points in the show.
XXVI: And the Computer-Literate demon had been Right.
XXVII: For they Did Not Like It At All.
Chapter 7: The Revenge of the Teeth From Hell
I: And it emerged that Martouf did not, in fact, die.
II: For no-one may die permanently in TV Land.
III: And there was much madness in the room: "AIM SamandJack Chat".
IV: For Cindy's e-mails were not coming through and people decided that
Martouf and his Teeth were the Cause.
V: And Cindy stole Martouf's Teeth and ran away with them.
VI: And Pepsi said: Give them unto me in a surgical bag and I shall grind
them into powder.
VII: And she received the Teeth, and spake: Ew...
VIII: And got a Hammer, and brought down the Hammer upon the Teeth.
IX: <<BOOOOOOOIIIIIING....>>
X: For the Teeth were more powerful than the Hammer; for they were evil
incarnates, and had previously belonged to Sokhar's child; Martouf.
XI: And Jay advised Pepsi: Do not use a hammer on them, child, for if you
zat them three times they must surely Die.
XII: And Pepsi pointed the Zat Gun at the Teeth From Hell, and pressed the
trigger Three Times. <<Zzap... Zzap... Zzap..>>
XIII: And Jay asked if it hard worked, and Pepsi spake: Nay, it did not.
XIV: And Pepsi gained a Peps'ian staff and against Jay's advice to send them to Hell/Netu, shot it at the Teeth, saying: DIE, you Satanical Molars!
XV: And the Staff made an interesting <<ZzzzzoooOOOOOHF..>> sound.
XVI: And the Teeth did not Die.
XVII: And next requested was Molten Lava, and Pepsi spake: Someone find me some Molten Lava, for the Teeth my survive it, but they will be locked up for a few Thousand Years.
XVIII: And she had a mental image of the Teeth climbing out of the Not-So
Molten Lava in a Thousand Years time, speaking in a squeaky voice: We'll
NEVER die! We'll be here forever! Mwahahahaha!
XIX: And the Teeth were tempararily Forgotten; and the chat room turned to the thought of Laira going through the Sam Treatment as the Teeth From Hell.
XX: And Pepsi remembered that someone said that Marty ate her.
XXI: And Cindy said: Yea, that was myself, but she may have Survived for she is an Evil Woman and they are Hard to Kill.
XXII: And then Cindy started getting Stressed, saying things like: O no, it
Can't Be.
XXIII: And Pepsi saw something else and said: O no, you are Right..
XXIV: For the Teeth Came Back.
XXV: And Pepsi was weak and cowered before Them, and inquired in a scared voice: What must we do to make you Leave Our Kind Alone? Why have you come to avange your previous Master? WHY US?
XXVI: And the Unholy Molars ignored her and started Chasing after Cindy.
XXVII: And Cindy managed to Capture to Teeth and flushed them Down The Toilet.
XXVIII: And then she realised that they were in the Sewage System; and this was a Bad Thing.
XXIX: And they started to Chase Pepsi.
XXX: And she said: Aaaaaargh.... and she used a Flamethrower on them.
XXXI: And they were still Teeth, but they were blackened.
XXXII: And someone said to put them in the Toilet, for they cannot Swim; and Pepsi said: I am not picking them up with my Bare Hands.
XXXIII: And Cindy gave Pepsi some gloves; and Pepsi used the Gloves.
XXXIV: And Cindy called Macgyver to come and save the Distraught Shippers.
XXXV: And Pepsi jammed a Bucket over the Teeth; and yea, they were Caught.
XXXVI: And Pepsi gave a Triumphant Cry.
XXXVII: But Unbeknownst to Her, the Teeth were eating through the bucket.
XXXVIII: And there was much Craziness involving Macgyver, an oven, and a saucepan.
XXXIX: And the Teeth were no longer Grazing on the Carpet.
XXXX: And Pepsi spake: Pause, everyone... for maybe the Teeth are just
Misunderstood.. for it cannot have been Pleasant, being inside Martouf's
mouth.. and I am going to try and Communicate with them..
XXXXI: And she said unto them: Hello, Teeth..
XXXXII: And they replieth'd: You're gonna kill me!
XXXXIII: And she said; No, not anymore, for we think you are just
Misunderstood. And then she went into Guidance Counsellor Mode, and spake: How did you *feel*, being in Martouf's Mouth?
XXXXIV: And they repliedth:..
Chapter 8: (Teal'c-style voice) And now.. The Conclusion
I: For the Teeth were indeed upset.
II: And they replied: It was Icky.
III: And GC Pepsi asked: Would you like to elaborate on that?
IV: And the Teeth said: He had Bad Breath.
V: And these were noted on Pepsi's Business-Like Clipboard.
VI: And she asketh unto them: Were you bullied?
VII: And they repliedth: Other teeth said I blinded them.
VIII: And they added: For everyone hates me...
IX: And you and the other shippers wished to Kill me.
X: And Pepsi repliedth (with the slightest hint of huffiness): You should
not Attack us, then, for you seem Hostile.
XI: And the Teeth said: I cannot Help It.
XII: And they Sobbed again, and Pepsi stroked them in a comforting way and said: There, there.
XIII: And Pepsi said: You may be able to Help people.
XIV: And the Teeth cheered up.
XV: For they could be Dentures.
XVI: And Pepsi said: Here, I shall fill in the application form for you, for you Have No Hands.
XVII: And after much chat, including the discussion of Mr. Teeth's age, is read thusly:
Name: Pearly Whites
Age: 150
Previous Experience: Smiling a lot
Hobbies: Talking for 2 people
Smiling at Sam
Hoping Jack doesn't break me
Eating
XVIII: And Pepsi said: I shall hand this out among the local dentists and Get Back To You.
XIX: And the Teeth said: Thank you, Pepsi, so much.
XX: And Pepsi fetched a Glass of Water for them to live in.
XXI: And it was so.
Chapter 9: --THE FUTURE THAT NEVER WASETH--
I: And there came a time when the land was populated by different nations.
II: Ye, and these nations were the Noh-Roh-Mohs, the Slashers, the Dehnyalytes.
III: And there were Shippres of many descriptions, amongst them the SammenDans, the DannenJans, SammenJaks, and many more that cannot be Listed in this book for sake of Brevity.
IV: And each nation had their own Uniquities and suchlike.
V: And to cut a long E-War short, they did Not Get On.
VI: Within time a force of the Dehnyalyte nation came to be a major power.
VII: Ye, and they ruled the lands.
VIII: And they were the TohSukkres.
IX: But some groups existed that did not agree with their Way of Thought.
X: And one such group was The EssenJai Hosswimmin.
XI: For although they had been forced underground due to the Rising of the Yeast - um, TohSukkres, they were not destroyed, and continued to grow in number.
XII: And the leader of the TohSukkres spaketh: Raar!
XIII: For Sokhar had decided that if he could not Beat Them, he should Join Them, and Joined Them he had.
XIV: And he seeked- seekethed- saketh- sook- looked for the Hosswimmin as hard as he could, for they were a Difficulty.
XV: And eventually, one of them was Found.
XVI: For she was Alli, Hosswimmin of Death, and she had taken her computer In For Repairs.
XVII: For all underground bases have electrical power and phone lines, I shall have you knoweth.
XVIII: And while the computer was being fixed, the People of Evilness read her e-mails.
XIX: Grrr at Them.
XX: And when they came to arrest her, she claimed to be a Secret Agent who was Watching the Hosswimmin to catch them out.
XXI: And hacking their E-Mail Accounts.
XXII: And the TohSukkre Police Force said 'O'.
XXIII: And they Left shortly after.
XXIV: But ye, they saw her Ritual Hosswimmin Hooded Gowny-Thingy-Whatsit hanging on the line on their way out.
XXV: With it's red and yellow Logo for all to see.
XXVI: And they were Sore Afraid.
XXVII: Oops, Wrong Book.
I: And Alli soon stood on trial in court for the heinous crime of Not Worshipping Daniel.
II: And the other 99 Hosswimmin sat in the public area with Big Sticks.
III: And a button reading 'Ye, Please Press In Case of Emergency'
IV: For none of them had ever figured out what the button did, and so were Seizing The Opportunity To Find Out.
V: And the Judge spaketh: 'Ye, Sue Perk Alli Fradgil Istik Ekspi Alli Doshuss.'
VI: For she had claimed that Alli was merely a nickname.
VII: 'Miss Doshuss,' the judge started again, for he was Interrupted, 'you have been charged with the heinous crime of Not Worshipping Daniel. How do you plead?'
VIII: And Alli spaketh: 'Guilty.'
IX: And there was a gasp from the non-Hosswimmin types in the room.
X: For no-one had ever Admitted to it before.
XI: As Alli was the first Hosswimmin to be caught.
XII: And the Judge blinked and spoke: 'Are you sure?'
XIII: And Alli spaketh: 'Yes'.
XIV: And there was a Further Gasp.
XV: And she added for further measure, 'He Is Not God'.
XVI: And half the court passed out from Excess Oxygen.
XVII: And Alli smiled, for this was Her Plan.
XVIII: But the Judge had Survived, and drew himself to his full height (4 foot 6. For he was a Small Judge Indeed)
XIX: And he said 'I Have Decided On Your Punishment'.
XX: For there was no Jury.
XXI: And he spaketh: You must watch Season Six and ye, you must watch it in it's Entirity, for there can be no greater punishment when you turn away from He Who Is Divine.
XXII: And 100 pairs of non-Daniel Worshipping Eyes blinked.
XXIII: And ye, they blinked Muchly.
I: And Alli Shrugged.
II: And she spaketh: 'Okay'.
III: And at this point, the Judge himself passed out.
IV: And the Sheriff Man took his place.
V: For he had Always Wanted To Do This Sort of Thing.
VI: And he spoke loud and clearly: 'Do not take your punishment so lightly.'
VII: 'For ye, in Season Six there shall be No Daniel.'
VIII: 'Be you not afraid, Miss Doshuss?'
IX: 'No' came the reply.
X: 'But there shall be no further mention of the 23 languages that The Divine One speaks, no further Cute Bits with his Snuggle Bunny O'Neill. Snuggles shall be Lifeless without The Divine One to enrich his week. You shall have only The Bunny, That Blonde One and That Black Guy With The Stick. Be you not afraid now?'
XI: And Alli continued not to excrete any house-building materials.
XII: And the New Judge gasped, with Much Difficulty: 'But there shall be no Toes!'
XIII: And the assembled crowds shuddered.
XIV: Including the Hosswimmin, for they were Laughing.
XV: But suddenly the court was Struck With Lightning.
XVI: And a great voice Boomed From Above.
XVII: And it spaketh: 'Sorry, I Just Like Doing That'
XVIII: And the assorted peoples cried thusly: 'But it cannot be Daniel!'
XIX: 'For he is Kind and Gentle, ye, and is Always Thinking of Others'
XX: 'Just as when his Actor was thinking of the other people's Lines when he left Season Six to die a solitary death!'
XXI: And The Voice ignored them, and spaketh: 'I Have Been Watching You and Your Friends Very Carefully, Alli'
XXII: 'For I... am Joe.'