Friday, February 20, 2004 Imitating Awake
Imitating Awake
I walk through every day so much the same.
They may have their eyes closed,
But at least theyre blind to whom they are.
Everything is so much like a game.
Even when trying to be sincere,
Truth for them could never be more far.
So Im imitating awake,
Because theres nothing else to do.
Im imitating awake,
Because nothing in life is true.
Somewhere black is not a color to fear.
In my world it is so much more honest
Than the sun.
Even is I gave up everything,
My dreams would be no more near.
All the tragedy the past has wrought,
Can never be undone.
So Im imitating awake,
Because there’s nothing else to do.
Im imitating awake,
Because nothing in life is true.
It’s kind of like being a Nightingale in the day.
I would die if I could not sing,
There beneath the stars.
But I will be true to myself at least this way,
For no one can take away who it is
You truly are.
School sucked. I never did get around to getting that paper on Hemingway done, and now I have to do a make-up assignment. Some crap about Hemingway's style and how revolutionary it was. Revolutionary? Give me a break. The man had the writting depth of a 6th grader. He wasn't some god of modern literary style, he was a drunk and a womanizer who pulled the wool over everyone's eyes. He used the most obvious metephores and literary devices in th world, and had all the subtlty of a jackhammer. God I hate scholors. Anyone who thinks Hemingway was a literary god should have their head checked. Seriously.
Echo ate lunch with me again today. *soft smile* As much as I really did not want to like her, I can't help it. She's really very sweet... and nothing at all seems to bother her. For example: this asshole of a jock practically mowed her over messing around with his buddies and then had the nerve to get mad at her! She just smiled sweetly and motioned for him to lean closer so she could whipser in his ear. Whatever she said must have been good, cause he blushed bright red and appoligized profucely. It was a sight to see, I can tell you that. And she's always like that. She's never upset, never lets anything get to her. I've noticed, however, that she can get very... odd at times. She'll say somthing like... "We always have," or "There was a time," or "Long ago," as if she's lived in the past or something. There was even that time yesterday when we were in Ancient History class and she corrected the teacher about the social behaviors of the Egyptions. What was strange was that... well... it was almost like she was recounting first hand information. It was nuts. It's times like that she gets this secretive little smile, the one that drives me insane. One of these days I'm going to get the story out of her and find out what it is with her.
I'm feeling better than yesterday... but still too thoughtful for my own good. Daily I feel like I belong less and less to this world. *sigh* If only I knew what was wrong with me, why I can't just be like other people. To be honest, I'd do just about anything to be like 'normal' kids. Maybe then I wouldn't feel like I'm just imitation awake all the time.
Rain
Thursday, February 19, 2004 If my tears could only bring you back...
Silly as it sounds, I got that title from a Pokemon sound track song. But right now it's so fitting for how I feel about so much in my life. There are days when I look back at everything that has come before and all I want to do is cry. I lay here on my bed, staring at all the prefect little stars on my ceiling, crimson tears falling, and I feel nothing. I think about all the friends that I just let walk out of my life and wish I could mourn their loss... Truth is, I don't feel anything. It's like they were never real, or maybe I'm the one who's not real. Yet, I'm still so troubled by the fact that I feel so lost. You'd think, with no one to hurt me, I would be pretty content... but I'm not. It's like there's something missing and no matter how hard I try and reach for it, find it, I can't touch it.
I miss my mother. She was so full of light, of laughter, and joy. It's like... as long as she was here I could forget how alone and out of place I felt. We used to go to movies, make ice cream sundays, hang out... Everything I would have done with a friend I did with my mom, and now that she's gone I have no one. I mean, it's not like I even had time to get used to the idea of being alone. One day she's fine, beautiful, happy... the next she's in the hospitol, sick... dying. They couldn't even tell me what was wrong with her. It's like all her light just... faded away. She went somewhere that I could not follow her. If only my tears could bring her back...
If my tears could only bring you back,
I migth be able to get my life on track.
But now I'm left without your light,
And I don't have the strength to fight.
If my tears could only restore your smile,
Then each day might not be such a trial.
But now I'm left here all alone,
And all my love away is thrown.
If my tears could only Bring you back,
I might regain this heart I lack.
But I can't see the path before me,
And without you all hope is phoney.
If my tears could only heal this loss,
Then I have payed this aweful cost.
But all my tears are not enough,
And crimson is payed from sorrow's cut.
Rain
Thursday, February 12, 2004 Dreams
As long as I can remember I've had the strangest dreams. Not just strange because they are of odd topics... but because they're so real. Like last night... I dreamed of Velorum, again. It was in the moddle ages, I think... and we were in a castle. It really was so beautiful, and all I wanted to do was remain in that dream forever, in that time when I was happy, and I was happy. But I woke up this morning and all I felt was loss... all I wanted was to go back into that happy dream and live there forever.
Not all of my dreams are that happy, though. Some of them are downright horrid. Like when I dream about destruction and killing. It's not an easy thing to know about yourself, but human life doesn't really mean a whole lot to me most of the time. I have a general desire to see people happy and the world at peace and all, but I'd never go out of my way to make it happen. The world has never cared much for me, I don't really feel like I should have to return the favor. The dreams that really get to me are the ones when I'm the one doing the killing... and a part of me is alright with it. Like... those lives mean nothing, those people are nothing, and I'm doing them all a favor. If I had some kind of emotion about it I wouldn't feel bad... but there's just this big nothing when I have those dreams. That's the part that scares me.
Since meetin Echo, though, things have been a little bit better. I still never see da, he's got that big case he's working on. But she's really nice and it's kind of cool to finally have a friend again. Her boyfriend is kind of strange. He's always looking at me like I'm going to shatter or something. But he's really nice, and a lot of fun. There's just something about those two that draws me in, and I always feel better when I'm around them.
It's kind of like... comeing home, as nutty as that sounds.
Rain
Wednesday, February 11, 2004 What is real?
There was a time when everthing in my life made perfect sense. I knew who I was, I had a sense of purpose, and I was happy. But then... that was before my mother died. Now I feel as if I've been doing nothing but drowing in shadows, lost to the world, and to myself. I have only the stars for company, and the cold moon for conversation. Most of the time, I don't even know who I am anymore.
What is this song that's going through my head which will give me no peace? And Velorum? Who is he? How can he know this song... and why do I long for him so much? Those eyes... and when he kissed me...
Is he even real?
Am I?
I think I'm losing my mind.
Rain
