NEEDED
Part 3

Disclaimer:  I do not own any of the characters (you just had to rub it in didn’t you?). Cowlip and Showtime have the rights to them.  This is just for fun, not for profit…

WarningContains foul language,  is also unbeta'd. 

 

I cannot believe Brian.  Fucking.  Kinney. 

 

Alright.  So they’re not together anymore. But so what? What the fuck kind of excuse is that?  I’ve had it up to here of that asshole, period.  I mean, they lived together for over a year; they were fuck buddies for almost two.  I would have thought that alone would have merited some sort of concern from that sonofabitch.  And besides which, Justin really… really did love him.

I don’t know why.  I don’t see the appeal personally.  Justin could do so much better than that bastard! Oh.  Yeah, I forgot… he has.  He found Ethan.

Ethan was… is nice.  I like Ethan, Ethan treats Justin right, Ethan loves Justin, Ethan puts Justin’s needs before his own, and Ethan is the complete opposite of Brian Fucking Kinney.  Justin needs someone like that, he deserves to be loved, to be adored, to be taken care of, to be missed, to be… to be.  He needs to forget Brian.

That fucker.

 

Because I know it’s all his fault.  I mean what was he doing at Babylon that night anyway?  He knew it was nearly time.  But still that fucking faggot went out to get his fucking balls sucked.  If Justin hadn’t met him… if Brian hadn’t taken him home and fucked his lights out, then maybe… maybe Justin wouldn’t have met Ethan.  And they wouldn’t have… See? It’s all the fucker’s fault! 

 

….

….

 

…. Oh what am I doing? Getting all worked up over him! Hardly worth it!  But, I can’t believe, even if it is Brian, that he’d… he’d not care about Justin.  That he’d leave him there, alone, in some foreign country with that fiddler!  Justin needs Brian.  He needs Brian! I hate this. I hate that he needs Brian, but it’s true. It’s fucking obvious.  Surely even assholes aren’t oblivious! So why the fuck isn’t he at the airport with the rest of us?

 

Fine, so he has an excuse.  Apparently, he has a meeting tomorrow afternoon with some big ass hot shot, and if he doesn’t attend, Vanguard will loose the account.  Oh, and that account is, allegedly, worth millions… this is, of course, all according to that fucked up asshole.  Now, what can I say to that?  Nothing.  I can say absolutely shit all.  Because lest I forget, that job of his pays for Gus, for his future education, for his extra living expenses, for his life.  Because Linds and I are, of course, redundant, we have useless jobs that pay for fuck all. Since all our living expenses are being covered by Mr. Top-fuck and his flashy job!  Give me a fucking break.  I don’t know why Lindsay indulges him.  He’s not a child; he’s not *her* child least of all.  He needs to get out of that stupid funk of his and just live, grow up and move on!  He needs to get his fucking ass over to Austria and take care of Justin.  Oh fuck Brian.  Just take care of him, once, just once.

 

Shit.  I have to calm myself down.  It won’t do anyone any good if I break down; I have to be strong for Lindsay, for Debbie, for Emmett.  But just give me a moment. I’m allowed a moment to break apart aren’t I? Just as long as I put myself back together again at the end.   Ever since that phone call, I don’t know if I should be crying or laughing, or even screaming.  I had never lived a longer day than yesterday.  I felt every single, fucking second of that horrible day – I do not ever want to live through that experience again.  Everyone (minus Brian, that fucker didn’t even turn up!) was on tenterhooks, sitting around at Deb’s waiting, worrying, millions of ‘what ifs’ racing through our minds.  And then of course, along with these ‘what ifs’ were the ‘don’t you dares’.  Each time the phone rang, and for some unexplainable reason, it seemed to be constantly ringing last night, we would all jump up and nervously glance at the phone, unconsciously holding in our breath.   Yet none of the calls were the ones we wanted, waited for.  Not the first ones anyway.  But just when we were planning another joyous day of waiting at Deb’s, the phone rang again, and it was Jennifer.

 

I was the one to pick up.  And to be honest, I really didn’t expect that call to be the call.  Or maybe, I didn’t want, didn’t allow myself to believe, to think, that the call could be it.  Anyway I picked up, and it was Jennifer on the line, as polite as always… even with her son’s life an uncertainty.  I remember getting a little tongue tied, stuttering away the first few seconds with needless questions, out of some twisted sense of nicety.  It was Jennifer who veered the conversation to the track it was supposed to lead. And I must admit, I am terribly ashamed of myself for having done that to her.  It was supposed to be me who was logical, reasonable, who still thought clearly, who did not do what she wanted, but what she needed and had to do.  Well, what a load of crap that turned out to be.

 

The conversation itself was pretty one sided - my end, been the non-communicado end.  That was largely due to this overbearing numbness, which engulfed me totally and completely at Jennifer’s first few words.

 

“They’ve been found. Both are still alive.”

 

Nothing else mattered, no one else mattered, to my eternal shame, not even Gus mattered at that very moment.  My expression must have been quite a sight, one that definitely did not bear good news, because when I hung up, so many people refused to look at me, in fact… the only ones that would meet my eye were Vic, Debbie and of course, Lindsay.  Even Michael looked as if he would burst into tears any moment.  So you could probably imagine their expression when I told them the actual news.   I will always cherish that moment.  Always.

 

Oh Justin, why?  Why did you go? Why didn’t you tell anyone? Why didn’t you tell me?  Don’t you know that Pittsburgh is full of people who care about you? Who love you?  So don’t you dare go anywhere kiddo. Don’t you dare! Do you hear me?  Because you’re still Gus’ favourite babysitter and we all want you back.   

 

 

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