the
other end.
"Da, I saw him!" he heard his son say excitedly instead.
"Gus, is that you?"
"Yes, it's me and I saw him."
"Slow down Gus. Who did you see?" Brian was confused. He knew Gus was
on one
of the weekend trips he took with some art group Lindsay enrolled him
in. He
was in Philadelphia this time, and Brian couldn't imagine who he could
have
seen that would make him this excited.
"Justin, I saw Justin. He was at the museum."
Brian sat down heavily as a million questions rushed through his mind.
He
didn't want to upset Gus so he settled for asking just one. "What did
he say
when you saw him?"
"Nothing. He didn't see me. We were in different rooms and I didn't go
over
to him. I wasn't sure it was him, but I looked at my pictures when we
got
back and it really was Justin. I thought maybe he was dead. But he's
not, Da,
I saw him," Gus's voice dropped to a whisper on the last two sentences.
"I know you did Gus. And it's good that you didn't say anything in case
it
hadn't been him. Listen, it's late you probably need to get to bed.
I'll see
you when you get home tomorrow."
"Good night Da. I love you," Gus said before hanging up.
Brian sat staring at the phone. Gus had seen Justin. It had been so
long;
long enough that Gus needed to look at a picture to be sure. Over two
years
since anyone had seen or heard from Justin. He'd never tell anyone, but
sometimes he wondered if Justin were dead too. At night after the
tricks
left, when he couldn't sleep, he'd imagine all kinds of horrible things
that
could have happened to Justin. But Justin was alive; Gus had seen him.
Gus, God he hoped he wouldn't be too freaked out by this. Gus had only
been
seven when Justin left, but he'd never forgotten Justin. In fact, Gus
was
usually the one to mention him. He always acted like Justin would
return at
any moment. That was why Gus had a picture of Justin with him. Lindsay
and
Melanie had been able to chaperon all of Gus's trips until this one.
Gus
insisted that at nine years old he could go without them. Lindsay
decided to
have himtake family pictures with him in case he got homesick. She told
him
he insisted in taking a picture of Brian and Justin together because
"Da was
happy then." Gus was too smart for his own good. He was the only one
who
understood how much Brian missed Justin. Even Lindsay and Debbie came
to
believe he was happy to go back to his old life. Now Gus had found
Justin,
and that changed everything.
The next night Brian found himself and Lindsay and Melanie's listening
to Gus
recant every second of his trip as only a nine-year-old can.
"And that's when Bobby got sick on the bus. It was really cool."
"What about the ancient Egypt exhibit? Did you see any paintings you
liked at
the museum?" Lindsay tried to redirect Gus's story to the purpose of
the
trip.
"It was all right. I liked the mummy case. I wanted to open it and see
if
there was a real mummy inside, but they said no. Some of the paintings
were
OK, but lots of them looked like my finger paintings. Why would anyone
want
to see those? Oh, and that's where I saw Justin. They did have some
naked
pictures. They reminded me of Da's place."
Brian smiled as he watched the shocked looks come over their faces.
"Wait a
minute Gus," Mel finally managed to ask, "you saw Justin? Our Justin?"
"Yeah, I called and told Da. He was at the museum."
Lindsay and Melanie asked Gus all the questions Brian hadn't been able
to
bring himself to: What did he say? How did he look? Was he alone? What
was he
doing? Was he working there? Did he ask about anyone? Was he happy?
Gus rolled his eyes as he tried to remember everything his mothers
wanted to
know. "He didn't say anything cause I didn't talk to him. He looked
like
Justin. I don't think he worked there cause he didn't have a badge and
he was
just wearing jeans and stuff. He was in a room with some lady pointing
to
places on the wall. I don't know what he was looking at because the
walls
were empty. He laughed a couple times. Then we had to go. Can I have a
snack?
I'mhungry."
"Sure, but then it's off to bed. You have school tomorrow."
Brian knew the minute Mel took Gus to the kitchen he was in trouble. He
braced himself for Lindsay's questions.
"Why didn't you tell me Gus saw Justin? When are you going to
Philadelphia?"
"I didn't tell you because it wasn't important, and I'm not going
anywhere."
"How can you say that? Don't you want to talk to him? Find out what
happened,
why he left?"
"In case you've forgotten, Justin and I weren't speaking for six months
before he left. Why start now? If he wanted to contact anyone, he could
have.
Now you know he's not dead; he's not being held as someone's sex slave.
He
has a new life, and we aren't part of it. Leave it alone," Brian gave
Lindsay
a quick kiss and walked out the door before she could say anything
else.
Brian spent the rest of the night with a bottle of whiskey and memories
better left forgotten. He knew more about why Justin left than anyone,
but he
still didn't understand it. Maybe it had all just been an excuse, a
reason to
leave. Maybe he was happy now. For all we know he could be married to
some
guy who tells him he loves him everyday. Or maybe he regrets leaving
and
wishes he'd told me the truth. Or maybe I'm losing my fucking mind.
He couldn't help but remember the last time Justin had been in the
loft. It
had been a few months after his graduation from PIFA. Brian had come
home to
find Justin with all his belongings packed.
"It's over Brian. I'm leaving," was all he had said.
Brian had closed his eyes for just a second and when he opened them,
they
were expressionless. "Do you have somewhere to go? Do you need any
money?"
"Stop trying to take care of me. They only things I need from you I
can't
have: love and commitment," Justin had searched Brian's face looking
for any
hope that he was wrong. Finding none, he'd shaken his head, "Forget it,
Brian. Just try to be happy, OK?" With that, he walked out and never
came
back.
Brian had sunk to the floor right where he'd been standing. He'd stayed
there
for a long time. Even though he'd been expecting it, he couldn't
believe
Justin had left. Brian had been pushing him away for months. Ever since
Mikey
had told him about the job in California; the one Justin never
mentioned.
He'd always known Justin needed more than he could give him, but he
realized
he wouldn't leave without a push. So he'd been picking up more tricks,
he'd
stopped holding his hand or putting his arms around him, he'd spent
more time
at the office. Brian had hoped Justin would get the hint and leave on
his own
because Brian was never strong enough to make him go.
But now that it had happened, he didn't know what to think. He never
expected
it to be so easy, so emotionless. This was Justin after all. He
expected
arguments, tears, begging, anything but the cold resignation he'd
gotten.
Justin must have been more ready to leave than he'd realized.
Another shot of whiskey brought Brian back to the present. He'd let
Justin
walk out that day; never made a move to stop him. Damned if the loft
still
didn't seem empty. Even after all this time, he knew something was
missing.
God, I'm becoming maudlin in my old age, Brian thought to himself. Too
much
Irish whiskey and too much Irish heritage. Still, his thoughts strayed
to
Justin.
He didn't see Justin for almost six months after he left. Brian's life
returned to the way it had been before Justin. He had his work, the
boys,
Woody's, Babylon, and of course the backroom. That was all he needed.
No more
strings or complications. Justin had kept his job as an illustrator for
a
publishing company, but stopped showing up on Liberty Avenue after
work. He'd
cut off ties with everyone but Gus. Justin and Gus had been very close
so
Brian wasn't surprised or upset that Justin had kept in touch with his
son.
He knew he saw him a few times a week and liked to bring Gus drawings
from
the children's book he was illustrating. So it made sense that when Gus
was
hurt, Justin received the same phone call from Lindsay that Brian did.
In all the time he'd known him, he'd never see Justin as upset as he
was that
night when he walked into the hospital. Brian, what happened? Is Gus
OK?"
he'd asked panic evident in his eyes.
Brian had resisted the urge to pull Justin into his arms, but tried to
calm
him with his voice instead. "He's fine, Justin. He fell out of a tree
and
broke his arm. He hit his head, but there's no concussion. They're
keeping
him over night as a precaution."
"Why did he fall? Did something scare him?"
"Justin, he's a kid; he just fell. It happens."
"You're sure it was an accident?"
"Yes, I'm sure. Look, go in and see him. Maybe then you'll calm down,"
Brian
was baffled by Justin's continued questioning. He thought being in the
hospital might be bringing up too many memories of his own accident.
Hopefully spending time with Gus would help.
Justin had stayed at the hospital all night. When Gus woke up, he'd
asked
Lindsay to talk to him alone. He walked out of Gus's rom an hour later
and
vanished. No one saw him again.
Once everyone realized he was gone, Debbie had tried to find him.
Justin had
closed his bank accounts, changed his email address, quit his job with
no
notice, paid the balance of his lease, and left. There was no trail to
follow. Jennifer had remarried and moved the year before and no one had
a
current name or address for her. Although Brian never told anyone, he'd
used
his contacts at the agency to quietly check other publishing companies
or ad
agencies Justin might have gone to for a job. He also found nothing.
Eventually they stopped looking. Gus had been the last one to speak to
Justin, and now he was the one to find him. Brian laughed at the irony.
Now what? Lindsay wanted him to go after Justin. To find out what
happened.
But Brian had gotten most of his answers a long time ago.
Unfortunately, they
had lead to more questions he didn't think he really wanted answered.
He
should leave well enough alone. But he hated to give Kip Thomas the
satisfaction. He raised his glass in salute, "Fuck you, Kip. You really
did
screw up all our lives."
Four months after Justin disappeared, Kip had walked into Brian's
office like
he owned the place. "Get the fuck out," Brian had ordered without
really
looking at him.
"Don't be so quick to get rid of me Brian. You should hear me out
first."
"Nothing you could say would interest me. So once more, get the fuck
out."
"Justin was always interested in what I had to say."
Brian glanced up quickly, but otherwise managed to control his
reaction.
"Justin who?"
"Don't treat me like I'm stupid Kinney. I know all about Justin Taylor.
Your
live in lover. The trick who got to stay. You two were the talk of
Liberty
Avenue. In fact, I know more about Justin then you do."
Brian snorted, "I doubt that. Now are you leaving voluntarily, or am I
calling security?"
"Didn't you ever wonder why I dropped the lawsuit?"
"Not really," Brian answered confused by the change in subject.
"He really didn't tell you. I'm not sure I ever believed that. Well,
let me
tell you a story. Your Justin seduced me and then threatened to have me
arrested for having sex with a minor if I didn't drop the suit. Of
course I
didn't know who he was then, and by the time I found out he was old
enough to
consent it was too late. I'd dropped the suit and lost my job. Imagine
my
surprise when I reported to my new boss a few months ago. There he was
with
his nice office, giving me orders."
"Life's a bitch Kip. But since this is ancient history, I don't have
time for
it," Brian wanted Kip out of his office before he said anything else.
He
didn't want to think about Kip touching Justin. He didn't want to think
about
what Justin had done, risked, to save him.
"Oh, but I'm just getting to the good part. I finally had my chance for
revenge. It was so easy once I found out you two were living together.
I gave
him a choice: leave you or be exposed for the blackmailing slut that he
is."
"That's it? That's your great revenge? You're stupider than I thought,"
Brian
shook his head, but he really wanted to ring Kip's neck. "Your big
opportunity and all you ask is that he leave me. Boy, the mafia better
watch
out for your criminal mind."
"You don't get it. It wasn't about me; it was about hurting him. Sure,
I
could have asked for money, but it was more fun to watch the light fade
from
his eyes. Watching him suffer was the best revenge of all," Kip smirked
as he
told his story.
"And you telling me this now because?"
"Now that he's gone, I was getting bored. I wanted to see if my plan
had any
extra bonuses. I know he adored you, but I could never get a straight
answer
about your feelings for him. Half of Liberty Avenue says you loved him,
the
other half says you kept him around out of guilt and because he was
great in
bed. So which is it? How many notches did I manage to knock the great
Brian
Kinney down?" So pleased to be able to tell someone about his great
plan, Kip
didn't realize that baiting Brian was never a good idea.
Kip really was stupid if he thought Brian would ever let him see how he
felt.
He pinned him with an icy glare and answered in a clam deliberate
voice,
"Sorry to disappoint you Kip, but I never even noticed that he left.
Now for
the last time, get the fuck out."
Realizing he'd pushed Brian as far as he could, Kip scurried for the
door
like the weasel he was. Brian waited until he was gone to throw the
crystal
paperweight at the wall and watch it shatter into a million pieces.
"So there you have it," Brian spoke to the now mostly empty bottle of
whiskey, "the answer everyone has been waiting for. Why Justin left."
But
Brian knew it wasn't entirely true. Kip's story might explain why
Justin left
him, but not why he left town. Parts of what Kip told him made no
sense, but
there was enough truth in it to know it wasn't a total lie. Only Justin
knew
the whole truth. And know that Brian knew where to find him, he wasn't
sure
he really wanted to know. So he finished off the bottle and went back
to not
thinking about it.
Two weeks later, Brian found himself standing outside a museum in
Philadelphia wondering just what the hell he was doing.
***
Brian walked into the museum and realized this had to be the stupidest
thing
he'd ever done. But after two weeks of listening to Lindsay, Debbie,
and
Emmett harp at him to go find Justin and bring their Sunshine home, and
he
would do anything to shut them up. Even go off on this wild goose
chase. And
wild goose chase it was; it's not like Justin would still be standing
in the
same place Gus saw him. He figured he would walk around a bit, ask if a
Justin Taylor worked there, and then be able to go home and tell
everyone he
tried.
After about ten minutes of wandering, he saw a sign advertising the
"Faces of
AIDS" exhibit and decided to check it out. He recognized the theme of
this
year's AIDS awareness campaign since his agency had done some work on
it and
was curious as to what he would find here. He picked up a pamphlet on
his way
in that said the exhibit featured the work of four local artists. He
spent a
few minutes looking at the sculptures in the middle of the room before
turning his attention to the paintings.
The first wall of paintings contained some abstract pieces he didn't
care for
so Brian quickly moved on and found himself looking at Justin's work.
There
were about a dozen sketches, and Brian would have recognized Justin's
pieces
anywhere. Brian stood there for what seemed like forever completely
amazed by
what he was seeing. These drawings had a depth of emotion far greater
than
Justin's earlier work. Some made him smile; others made him want to
look away
from the sadness in them, but he couldn't. He found two of Vic. One
showed
him sitting at the kitchen table, in his robe and glasses, smiling, but
with
all his pill bottles spread out in front of him. The other was of Vic
and
Debbie dancing. He couldn't count the number of times he'd walked in on
the
two of them dancing around the house like they didn't have a care in
the
world. Justin had captured them perfectly. Obviously, Justin had
forgotten
about them after all. He flipped the pamphlet over and found a brief
biographical sketch on all the artists. All he found out about Justin
was
that he was working in the art department of a local private school,
and he
recently had a few showings. It wasn't much, but as he reached for his
cell
phone, Brian hoped it would be enough.
Brian pulled up in front of Justin's apartment building and wondered
once
again if he'd lost his mind. He didn't want to be nervous, but he was.
Justin
still had too much power over him. It didn't matter how long they were
apart;
he knew the minute he saw him it would all start again. This wouldn't
be some
casual visit between old friends. Nothing with Justin had ever been
casual.
Thank God he knew Justin lived alone. Walking in on some cozy domestic
scene
might have been too much for him to handle.
In other circumstances, Brian would have been amused by seeing Justin
rendered speechless by the sight of his ex-lover leaning casually
against the
door frame. Instead, he was grateful that Justin's shock gave him a few
minutes to discreetly look him over. He still looked so young, standing
there
in his jeans and oversized sweatshirt. Until Brian looked in his eyes.
Then
he knew leaving had cost him more than he'd imagined. The urge to touch
him,
comfort him was so strong, but Brian knew this wasn't the time.
"Brian?" Justin finally managed to whisper.
"Where are your manners, Sunshine? Aren't you going to invite me in?"
Brian
pushed himself away from the door frame and made his way into the
apartment.
He was settled in a chair before Justin turned to follow him.
"What are you doing here? How did you find me?"
Brian shrugged, "I was in the neighborhood and decided to drop by."
Something in Brian's tone seemed to snap Justin out of his daze. "Don't
give
me that bullshit. It's been too long." Then a flicker of fear passed
over his
face, "Is everyone all right? Did something happen?"
"Everyone's fine, Justin," Brian allowed his voice to soften for just a
second. "Now sit down so we can get reacquainted."
"You're not staying Brian. We have nothing to say to each other."
"Look I have two choices. I can come back with you in tow or with a
full
report of your life for the munchers and Deb. Take your pick."
"What's really going on? Why after all this time did you decide to look
me
up?"
Brian chose not to answer that question just yet. He knew the best way
to get
answers from Justin was to keep him off balance. "I saw your work at
the
museum. I'm impressed. I'm sure Vic would love to see the sketches you
did of
him."
"What the hell were you doing in an art museum in Philadelphia? Fuck
whatever
game you're playing, Brian. Just get out."
"This isn't a game, Justin. It is, however, time for you to start
telling the
truth. What happened two years ago? Why did you leave?"
"I needed to start a new life. One without you in it. No big deal."
"You never were a good liar, Justin. And even if you were, that
wouldn't
explain the way you left. Do you realize how worried everyone was when
they
realized you were gone, when they couldn't find you, when you never
called to
say you were OK? Debbie looked for you for a long time. It broke her
heart to
give up."
"I never meant to hurt anyone. With the way things were, it just seemed
best.
But you found me, so let everyone know I'm fine and leave it at that."
"It's not that simple Justin, and you know that. If I can't offer them
something better than that, they'll probably show up en mass next
weekend.
You'll have to see them eventually. You know that."
"You already told them where I am?" Justin asked starting to look
nervous.
"I didn't have to. Do you really think I showed up here on my own?"
Brian
hated the way that sounded and wished he could take it back when he saw
Justin wince. "I didn't find you. Gus did. He saw you at the museum a
few
weeks ago."
Justin's head flew up at the mention of Gus's name. "Gus," he swallowed
hard
and looked away, "Gus shouldn't even remember me."
"Well, he does. Fuck Justin, you spent more time with him than I did.
How
could you think he'd forget? Once everyone found out, I had no choice
but to
come after you. I just never expected to be able to find you."
"Are you sorry you did?" Justin asked quietly.
Brian ran his hands through his hair. Justin always did ask the hard
questions. For once, Brian decided to give him a straight answer, "No,
I'm
not. This disappearing act of yours has gone on long enough. It's time
to
come home." He held his breath for a moment wondering if Justin would
understand what he was trying to say.
Justin shook his head sadly, "This is my home now. I have a job I like;
I
have a life here. It's too late. I can't go back."
Brian should have felt rejected, but the defeat in Justin's eyes made
him
more determined. "It's not too late unless you want it to be. Of
course, if
there's someone else to consider?"
Again Justin shook his head, "No, there's no one. There never has been
anyone
else."
Brian allowed himself a small smile at that revelation. "Then come
back. At
least for a visit and fill everyone in on this new life of yours."
"No."
Realizing this conversation was going no where, Brian decided to pull
out the
big guns, "Gus wants to see you. He was afraid to talk to you at the
museum
and he's worried he'll never get another chance. Listen, all those art
lessons Lindsay insisted on have paid off. His school is having a
student art
show and he has some drawings in it. It would mean a lot to him if you
came."
Longing and fear washed over Justin's face before he answered, "I
can't"
Brian got up to leave, but stopped when he reached Justin and spoke
softly in
his ear, "Kip's in Omaha."
Justin's only reaction was to whisper softly, "I'll be there."
Brian nodded as he walked out the door, "I'll be in touch. Later."
He didn't look back to see Justin's reaction to his parting word. He
needed
to get away from Justin before he did something stupid. Like kiss him,
or
physically drag him back to the loft. Justin hadn't said much, but
Brian
could still read him well enough to know coming here was the smartest
thing
he had ever done. For both of them. It wasn't going to be easy, but in
the
end Brian Kinney always got what he wanted. And what he wanted was
Justin
back with him where he belonged.
***