I look at Brian sleeping and can't believe I'm here. Even after more
than a week, I still find it hard to believe. For the first time,
Brian and I actually want the same thing. We both want to be
together. We're letting the rest of it work itself out. I've never
been happier, and I think Brian may finally be happy too.
He looks so peaceful. I hate to leave him, but I need to go. Debbie
hasn't given me a curfew, but I try to get back around two so she
doesn't start to wonder. I slip from the bed quietly so I don't
wake him. I almost to the door when I hear his voice, "Hey, are you
leaving?"
"Yeah, Brian. It's late. Go back to sleep."
"Kay." Then after a slight pause, "Are you going to be at Vic's
party tomorrow?"
"Do you think Debbie gave me a choice?" She planned a huge birthday
party for Vic. Last year his birthday got missed between Michael
being in Portland and me being in a coma. Debbie is determined to
make up for it this year.
"I'll see you tomorrow then."
Shit! Why didn't I think of that? If Debbie's making me come, there
is no way Brian could get out of it. That means Brian and I will be
there together. We are so fucked.
"Justin," Brian's voice interrupts my thoughts. "It will be all
right. I promise." He can't see my face so he must be reading my
mind.
"Goodnight Brian," with that I leave.
I don't sleep the rest of the night. I can't stop thinking about
what's going to happen at the party. I was already nervous about it
before I realized everyone would find out about us. This will be
the first time I've seen anyone other than Debbie and Vic since the
Rage party. I thought I'd at least run into Ted and Emmett at the
diner, but I haven't. I figure Michael must keep track of my
schedule and steer everyone away. I tried to convince Debbie to let
me skip the party, but she wouldn't hear of it. I knew it would be
awkward. It has been easier for me not to see them. I didn't want
to think about the life I had with Brian. And since we weren't
together, I didn't exist for them anymore. I dread the questions I'm
sure to get. I wonder who will be stupid enough to ask about Ethan?
My guess would be Ted. This was already a disaster waiting to
happen, but now.
The biggest problem is I don't know what to expect from Brian. I'll
play along with whatever he does, but I wish I knew what the game was
ahead of time. No one has any idea we are back together. I wish we
could keep it that way. Not that we've been deliberately hiding it.
Brian is never at the diner during my shifts. He goes out on the
nights I work late, and we spend the rest of the time at the loft.
No one has asked, and we're not volunteering any information. It's
been nice having this time to ourselves. We are still trying to
figure exactly what we want and how we are going to do this. It's so
much easier without anyone interfering.
But we're screwed now. Unless we pretend nothing has changed. Brian
might decide to do that. It could buy us more time. But we can't
hide forever. Maybe it would be better to get it over with. Either
way, everyone's going to be watching us. I can't wait for it to be
over.
Thank God for party preparations. I told Debbie I'd help her get
everything ready, and she's kept me too busy to really think. Once
people started arriving, I found a million reasons to stay in the
kitchen. Other than hellos, I've managed to avoid everyone. The
party was to start ten minutes ago, and still no Brian. I know he's
always late, but part of me can't help hoping he won't show up.
"Sunshine, bring the salad out so we can get started," I hear Debbie
shout. "If we wait for Brian, it will be time for Vic's next
birthday."
"I'll be right there," I holler back. Debbie decided it was warm
enough to eat outside so I head for the backyard. I put the salad
on the table and turn to walk to my seat when I feel someone come up
behind me. I look to see who it is, and before I realize it, Brian
is kissing me. I wrap my arms around him and open my mouth to let
his tongue in. After a few minutes he pulls back leaving me
breathless.
"Miss me?" he asks.
"Always," I answer without thinking. Then, I remember where we are.
My smile fades, and I close my eyes.
"Don't worry. I told you it will be all right," he whispers in my
ear before kissing me again. Then, in a voice everyone can
hear, "Let's go eat. I'm sure you must be starving by now." He
pulls me to the table and sits down next to me. The entire time he
never lets go of my hand.
I look up cautiously and see ten pairs of eyes staring at us. Even
Gus seems interested. Not surprisingly, Michael is the first to
speak. "That's it? You haven't seen him in months, you ask him if
he missed you, and now you're back together?"
"No, that's not it. Michael, you know I saw Justin a few months
ago. And I was only asking if he missed me since he left my bed last
night." He smiles as shocked looks are exchanged around the table.
"Your bed! When did that happen?" Michael practically shrieks.
"A week ago, a maybe more. I'm not sure. It doesn't matter anyway,"
Brian shrugs carelessly. Michael opens his mouth to say something
else, but Brian cuts him off. "Leave it, Michael." His tone leaves
no room for argument. "So what looks good?"
Everyone scrambles to cover the awkward moment. Dishes are passed
around, and meaningless conversations are started. When she thinks
no one is looking, Debbie leans across the table, "Do better this
time. I mean it." She looks each of us in the eye. I smile weakly,
and Brian gives her a mocking salute.
We make it through dinner without any major problems. Vic commands
most of the attention telling us stories about his days in New York.
Other than trying to sneak subtle glances at us, everyone leaves
Brian and me alone. Once the presents are opened, we have nowhere
left to hide. Apparently, they decide on a divide and conquer
approach, and Brian and I are quickly whisked to opposite ends of the
yard.
Mom gets to me first. "I see you decided Brian was worth fighting
for after all."
"Actually, Brian did most of the fighting this time," I tell her.
"I'm glad, Honey. I really am. I hope thinks work out for you this
time." She seems like she really means it.
"Thanks." I smile at her and start to relax for the first time all
day.
"I'll have to let Brian know I'm glad he's back in your life." I
follow her gaze to where Brian stands with a clearly agitated
Michael. "Once he's not so busy that is. Should you go rescue
him?" Mom asks.
"No, he can handle Michael." And I have no desire to get dragged
into that mess.
"If you think so. I need to speak with Vic. I'll see you later."
She kisses my cheek and heads off.
Within seconds, Emmett descends upon me and wraps me in a big
hug. "Oh baby, I'm so happy for you! I knew love would win in the
end," he sniffles.
"Thanks, Emmett." I'd forgotten how over the top he can be.
"Things will be different this time; you'll see. Brian knows what he
can lose. And if he starts pushing you away, you just remind him
that we never listen to fairy godmothers." He gives me another hug
and disappears.
I'm still trying to figure out the fairy godmother comment when I see
Lindsay heading my way. Before she can reach me, Brian yells across
the yard, "Justin, get over here. Now."
I reluctantly make my way over to where he still stands with
Michael. When I get there, he puts his arm around me and pulls me
close to him. "Justin, Michael wants to know what I think I'm
doing. Maybe you can explain."
For some reason I find the look on Michael's face comical, and I
can't resist agitating him. "Right now, I guess you think your
talking to Michael." That gets me a pinch on the ass. I smile
innocently up at Brian. "Oh, he means with me."
Michael's getting even more upset. "Brian, this has nothing to do
with him. It's between us."
"On the contrary, it has everything to do with Justin. Why don't you
tell him exactly what the problem is." Brian's speaking in a slow
deliberate voice which should warn anyone to think before they say
anything.
Michael crosses his arms and looks directly at Brian, ignoring me
completely. "I just don't understand why you would let him back in
your life after everything he did. He doesn't deserve you."
Brian's trying to look amused, but I can feel how tense he is. One
more word from Michael, and he's going to lose it. "Michael," I need
to get his attention focused on me. "I know I should care what you
think about Brian and I, but I don't. In this case, your opinion
doesn't matter. I love Brian, and I want to be with him. He wants
the same thing. How we dealt with the past, and how we decide to
live our lives is no one's business. I know you and everyone else
wants to tell us what you think, but fuck that. We spent too much
time listening to other people before and look where that got us.
I'm not doing that again. It's not worth it. So whatever your
problems are with us, get over it."
Michael starts to turn an interesting shade of red, but I can feel
Brian relaxing. He turns me so I am facing him. "Michael, I think I
know what I'm doing with Justin now." He never takes his eyes off me.
"What?" Michael asks oblivious to the fact Brian is no longer paying
attention to him.
"Loving him," he answers softly as he leans down to kiss me. I know
then no matter what anyone else thinks, we will be all right.
If You Want My Love 2 of 2 (Brian's POV)
"Justin, wake up," I shake him gently and kiss him on the shoulder.
"No," he mumbles burying his face in the pillow.
"Come on, Justin. You need to get up."
He opens one eye and sees it's still dark. "Tomorrow's Sunday. You
don't have to work, and Debbie doesn't care if I come home."
"I don't want you to leave; I just want you to get up." This time I
kiss the side of his neck.
"Five more minutes," he pleads before falling back asleep.
I don't argue since I actually built an extra half hour into my
schedule for waking him. He hates getting out of bed which why he
never stays if one of us has an early appointment. He'll be glad
I'm dragging him out of bed today. At least, I hope he will. The
closer it gets; the more I wonder if this is such a good idea. But
then I look at him, and I know it's what I want.
I never thought being with anyone, especially Justin, could be easy,
but the last six months have proven me wrong. Maybe it's because I
made the decision to be with him this time. In the past, he was
always thrust upon me. I didn't say no, but it was never my choice.
I can't deny that I'm the one that asked him to come back this time.
Just accepting how much I want Justin in my life has made things so
much simpler.
I told Justin I was tired of letting guilt and fear run my life, and
I meant it. I've tried to let go of all the bullshit I put between
us in the past, and most of the time I can. I've learned to stop
panicking every time he gets too close. I try and catch myself
before I do something stupid to hurt him before he can hurt me. I
still screw up, but Justin can handle it. He's learned to read me
again. He calls me on my fuck ups and makes me tell him why I did
it. But he doesn't hold on to them anymore.
Justin's so much stronger now. He's so much more sure of himself.
He's finally stopped looking for everyone's approval and is living
his life for himself. He can blow off Mikey's interference which
thankfully is starting to taper off. He's stopped worrying about how
people outside Liberty Avenue will look at us. He told me some idiot
from his class made a smart remark to him once about living a cushy
life as a kept man. He'd seen me pick him up a few times and decided
Justin was my plaything. Justin told him that once he got past being
kicked out, bashed, and disowned, his life had been pretty easy.
Jesus, I wish I'd been there. One of the first things that drew me
to Justin was his determination to live his life the way he wanted no
matter what anyone else thought. He lost that after the bashing.
But now he has his confidence back, and sometimes he just blows me
away.
He smiles in his sleep, and I can't resist kissing him. I love to
see him smile; you can just feel the happiness radiate from him. I
never let him be happy before. At least not for any length of
time. I was too busy trying to keep him off balance, trying to make
sure he didn't get too comfortable with me. I regret that now
because Justin was meant to be happy. That's a stupid thing to say,
but I don't know how else to describe the way it suits him. He's so
much more relaxed and comfortable now. With himself, with me.
Seeing him this way, I've been able to stop worrying about him
wanting more. Justin always told me I was what he wanted, but I
never believed him. I thought he was too young to be sure. That's
why I pushed him to trick so much. I was sure he'd find someone
younger, easier, and better for him than me. I guess he did, but it
wasn't what he wanted. Now that he has me, and I mean all of me, not
the little pieces I gave him before, he really does seem satisfied.
It's amazing how happy I was once I stopped waiting for Justin to
hurt me. It still scares me sometimes, being happy, but Justin is
working on convincing me I deserve it.
I look at the clock and realize I don't have much time left. After a
few minutes, I manage to drag Justin's ass out of bed. I lead him to
where I've arranged a few chairs in front of the window and sit him
down next to me.
He looks at me quizzically, "Brian, what are we doing?"
"I thought we'd watch the sunrise together." I can't help but smile
when I see his eyes light up.
"Really?" he asks hopefully.
My only answer is to kiss him. He snuggles against me and turns his
attention to the sky. After watching the colors blend together, he
looks up at me, "God Brian, it's so beautiful. I can't wait to paint
it."
I kiss him again and consider asking him to do a large painting for
the bedroom. It would be a nice thing to wake up to. Not as nice as
him, of course. And that's what I'll be doing from now on, waking up
with Justin. I could tell from his expression that he remembers what
this means. My second ridiculously romantic gesture. Only this time
there's no one lurking in the background to take it away from us.
We talked about Ethan. He told me about their disastrous sunrise.
How it was supposed to signify Justin's commitment to him, but it
ended up being an empty, meaningless gesture since Justin realized he
was never going to love Ethan. It bothered me that he felt that he
had to try as hard as he did. It was like he didn't know he deserved
so much better. I told him we would have our own sunrise someday,
and this time it would mean something. I still don't know what it is
about him that makes me want to do these things.
At the time, I didn't know what the sunrise would mean, but I figured
it out when we discussed Justin moving in with me. We had been back
together for a few months when I asked him if he wanted to come back
to the loft. He surprised me by saying no. He told me it wasn't
because he didn't want to, but that if he moved back in, he didn't
want me to bring tricks to the loft anymore. I wasn't shocked by his
request, but it wasn't something I was prepared to do. He said
it didn't matter. He didn't care if I was never ready, but to let
him know if I changed my mind. I found myself telling him that when
we watched the sunrise together, he would know I was ready.
I'm not sure why I waited so long. I knew at the time it was more a
matter of convenience than anything else. Sometimes I wanted
something more than I quick blowjob in the backroom, and the loft was
always available. We had already dealt with the rest of the tricking
issues. The first thing we did was get rid of the rules. I told
Justin from the beginning I didn't think I could ever be monogamous,
and I didn't expect him to be either. He said that was fine, but he
didn't want us to trick together or in front of each other. That
turned out to be much easier to do than I expected. When I'm with
Justin, I don't need anyone else. I hardly notice anyone else. He
eclipses all of them. I don't know how much Justin tricks, and I
don't want to. I do suspect it's less than I do. Although, I don't
trick nearly as much as I used to. It's not from lack of
opportunity. I have plenty of nights on my own, but I'm not as
interested anymore.
Which why I don't understand what held me back on the loft issue.
Part of it was not wanting to make a promise to Justin I couldn't
keep. I could tell it was important to him, and I wasn't willing to
screw it up. And then the summer was so busy; I rarely thought about
it. Justin did get the internship with the magazine. Between that
and his shifts at the diner, we didn't see each other that much.
Although, we did manage a few long weekends away from Pittsburgh. I
think the few times we got away saved our sanity. Before I knew it,
fall was here, and Justin had new school and work scheduled to adjust
to. I realized the other day I hadn't brought a trick to the
loft in over a month. I'm tired of Justin leaving my bed in the
middle of the night or not being there at all. So here we are.
"Thank you," Justin mummers quietly before kissing me.
I look up and see the sun has indeed risen. I nudge him gently, "Do
you want to go back to bed?"
He shakes his head, "No, let's stay here a little longer." He curls
his legs under him and lays his head in my lap.
I settle more comfortably in my chair and gently stroke his hair. I
have no desire to go anywhere or do anything. I'm perfectly content
to sit here with him. This is not the life I thought I wanted.
But I'm glad I was wrong because now I can't imagine wanting anything
else.
JUDAS
Is simplicity best
Or simply the easiest
The narrowest path
Is always the holiest
So walk on barefoot for me
Suffer some misery
If you want my love
If you want my love
Man will survive
The harshest conditions
And stay alive
Through difficult decisions
So make up your mind for me
Walk the line for me
If you want my love
If you want my love
Idle talk
And hollow promises
Cheating Judases
Doubting Thomases
Don't just stand there and shout it
Do something about it
You can fulfil
Your wildest ambitions
And I'm sure you will
Lose your inhibitions
So open yourself for me
Risk your health for me
If you want my love
If you want my love
If you want my love
If you want my love