The cab stops in front of Brian's loft, and I'm half tempted to tell the
driver to turn around. But I don't. Instead, I pay him and try to figure
out what the hell I'm doing here. I don't want to play games with Brian
anymore. This morning I told him goodbye yet here I am back already.
The sad truth is I'll never be able to say no to Brian. I try to convince
myself I heard something in his voice. Something must be wrong for him to call me.
Of course, it could be that he found something I left behind, and he
wants it out of the loft now. For Brian, clutter can be a major emergency.
I let myself in. It seems ridiculous to deal with buzzers and knocking
at this time of night or morning. Brian's pacing in the living room and
doesn't hear me come in. I know now this has nothing to do with a forgotten
sketchpad, and I'm glad I came. I speak softly so I don't startle him
too much, "Brian, what's wrong?"
He stops and stares at me. He seems surprised, almost shocked, to see
me.
He doesn't move at all; he just keeps looking at me. Finally he stands
up straighter as if he's gathered himself. "Nothing, there's nothing
wrong."
"Then why am I here?" He'd better have an answer. I didn't drag
myself out of bed so he could dismiss me.
"Come here. I need," he looks away. "I need to know you're real," he
finishes quietly.
I go to him now. Mostly so I can check his pupils. He keeps avoiding
my gaze. "What did you take?" I ask him in exasperation.
"Not a God damn thing. Maybe that's my problem," he laughs.
I don't have the energy for this. Brian wanted me to let him go, and I
did.
I can't let him do this to me. "I'm going now. Call Michael the next
time you get bored."
I turn to leave, and he wraps himself around me from behind. His arms
go
around my waist, and his head rests on my shoulder. I hear him whisper
against my ear, "Damn you, Emmett. I can't let him go."
I turn to face him, but he doesn't relax his hold. I try to read his
face.
He looks tired and maybe a little sad. "What does Emmett have to do
with
anything?"
He pulls me over to the couch. Once we sit down, he reaches for my
hand. He
looks at our intertwined fingers for a while before he says anything.
"I
need you to listen to me. Some of this won't make a lot of sense, but
please
try. Emmett and I had a very strange talk earlier. I won't bear you
with
the details. He asked me if I learned anything from your prom. He was
mad
at me for always pushing you away. He said it should have taught me to
hold
on to you. To not want to lose you. But things are never that easy
with
me." His hand tightens slightly against mine, and I squeeze back.
"What I
learned it that I'm going to lose you. It doesn't matter how or why;
someday
you would be gone from my life. I guess I already knew that. But what
I
didn't know was how much it would bother me. I'd never felt that way
before.
I hated it; I hated not being in control. I promised myself that I
would
never feel that way again. First I tried to control how I felt about
you. I
tried to put you back in the safe place I had for you. The place that
let me
be with you without it meaning anything. But you never did fit there.
So
then I tried to control how you left me. I wanted it to be on my
terms, in
my time."
"Brian, why are we doing this again? I already know that you couldn't
stand
to be with me anymore. I know you needed me to leave. I understand
all
that. I promised you I would let you go forever. Wasn't that enough?"
If
he would just let go of my hand, I could leave. I'm so sick of saying
goodbye to him. It never gets any easier.
"Justin," he makes me look at him. "I'm not trying to hurt you."
You never had to try I want to yell at him. But I stay silent and stop
trying to pull away.
"We talked about George and how Emmett wishes they had more time
together.
You're going to die someday, you know. I hope it's a long, long time
from
now, but someday I'm going to lose you forever. It won't matter how
many
times I'll have lost you between now and then because that time I won't
be
able to get you back." He falls silent and looks down at our hands
again.
I have no idea what to say to him. I hate that he's spent time
thinking
about my death and what it will mean to him. Mostly, I hate Chris
Hobbs for
making all of us realize I won't live forever. Part of me wants to
make a
stupid joke about my outliving him. Anything to make him smile. But I
know
it won't work so I move closer to him. I want to reassure him that I'm
here,
and that I'm with him. At least for now, and that's all we really
have.
"Justin, you know me. I don't believe in regrets. They're a waste of
time."
He smiles and for the first time since I arrived, he looks like
himself.
"When I lose you, I don't want to think about the time I could have
spent
with you. If you lose me, I don't want you to think that you could
have done
more or tried harder to make this work. Do you understand?"
This time I do pull way but in anger. "Yes, Brian I understand. How
many
fucking times are you going to tell me? I need to walk away and never
look
back. I still remember the first time you told me that. There is
nothing
left to say or do. It's over, and nothing is going to change that. I
get
it, OK?"
"Justin, you aren't listening to me. I didn't call you over here to
repeat
this morning. Neither one of us needs to do that. What I'm trying to
tell
you is I can't walk away and not look back. I'm not even sure I want
to
anymore. I'm already looking back or looking forward I suppose. The
only
way I know to stop that is to not walk away. Do you understand now,
Justin?
I don't want to walk away from you. Not now. Maybe someday we'll walk
away
from each other because whatever we have has run its course. And that
will
be fine if it's what we both want. But that's not true right now, is
it?"
I should throw myself in his arms and claim him before he changes his
mind.
I should get down on my knees and thank God for giving me another
chance.
But I don't do anything but stare at Brian. I'm trying to read
something in
his face. I need to know where this is coming from. Because when I
said I
gave up on the fantasy of having Brian anyway I could get him, I meant
it. I
tried that before and ended up hurting us both. We deserve better. So
I
need to be sure. I need to know that he really wants this. I have to
be
sure it's not some new twisted form of guilt or panic over some horror
story
Emmett told him. This time it has to be for both of us. I take a deep
breath and plunge ahead, "Brian, do you love me?"
Do Something About It (Brian's POV)
"Brian, do you love me?"
Fuck! I should have known he'd ask me that. What the hell am I
supposed to
say? I don't want to lie to him, but I'm not sure I know the answer.
I just
wanted to see him, to find some way to keep him with me, and already
I'm
blowing it. He's waiting for my answer. I have to tell him something.
"I
don't believe in love."
He tilts his head and looks at me closely, "Do you believe I love you?"
"Yes." Well that makes no fucking sense, but it's true. I really have
no
idea what love is. It's not something I'm familiar or comfortable
with. So
I don't think I'm capable of loving someone. I also find it hard to
believe
anyone could love me. But I know Justin. Whatever love means to him,
he
loves me.
My answer must have pleased him because he sits back down. "Why did
you call
me?" he asks quietly.
I shift restlessly. I hate taking about things like this, but he
deserves an
answer. "This is going to sound stupid. Emmett said something to me,
and I
couldn't get it out of my mind. I dreamt that you died. I needed to
see
you."
"So this sudden desire to be with me is because you're afraid I'm going
to
die?"
Not so sudden I want to argue, but I don't. "Does it matter?"
"Yes."
One fucking word and I see disaster ahead. I was counting my wanting
him
being enough for Justin. It always has been in the past. I see the
determination on his face and know he won't make things so easy for me
this
time. I just hope he doesn't ask for more than I can give him.
"It matters a lot, Brian. When we were together before I always felt
like it
was what I wanted, but you were only along for the ride. Like maybe
you
decided I was convenient, and it was too much trouble to keep pushing
me
away. I need more than that. I need to know that you want this too.
Not
out of fear or guilt, but because you want to be with me. You have to
do
this for you because it won't be easy. There will be times when you
still
think your feelings for me are costing you too much. You will still
wonder
sometimes if I'll find someone I want more than you. I promised I
wouldn't
ask you to put yourself through that again, and I won't. You have to
decide
if I'm worth it, if we're worth it."
Why does he have to be so fucking smart? It wasn't supposed to be this
hard
to get him back. I don't know if I'm ready for this.
After a few minutes of silence he gets up again. "Brian, it's a lot to
think
about. I don't expect an answer now. I'm going to go so you can have
some
time to yourself. Call me when you figure things out." He smiles
sadly and
turns to leave.
"Stop walking away from me! There's nothing left to figure out." Did
I just
say that? I must be more ready than I thought. "Come back here."
This time
I pull him against me. It's so much easier when I can touch him. "You
don't
have to ask me to do anything; I'm offering. I never thought I would,
but I
am. As much as I want to say the reasons don't matter, I guess they
do. I
realized tonight that I could spend the rest of my life without you.
That
the way my life has been these last few months could be permanent. I
don't
want that, Justin. I don't want a life without you in it. I thought I
did,
but I was wrong. I thought the loft would be perfect again when you
left,
but it was empty. You bring something to my life I don't have words
for. I
just know that I've missed it; I miss you. I don't want to be with you
out
of fear or guilt. Those are the things that make me push you away.
I'm
tired of giving in to them. I'm tired of being without you."
He leans forward and kisses me gently. "We just might have a chance,
you
know."
"You think?" I ask as I kiss him back.
"Oh yeah," he whispers against my lips. "Think you can handle having
me
around for a long, long time?"
"Just try and get away," I growl pulling him closer. "You're mine
now."
"God you amaze me," he says smiling brightly.
I don't tell him he's the amazing one because I can't speak when he
looks at
me that way. Instead, lay back on the couch and settle him against me.
His
head rests on my chest, and I gently stroke his back. For now, I'm
content
to feel him against me. How did I ever think I could give him up? I
brush a
kiss across the top of his head. I must be getting soft in my old age,
but I
really don't care anymore.
After a while Justin looks up at me and sighs, "This is what it feels
like."
"What?"
"My mom told me I needed to stop worrying about how everyone thinks
love is
supposed to be. She said I needed to forgot about the words and
gestures we
are taught to expect. She told me to figure out what it feels like to
be
loved by you. Now I know."
I clear my throat before I can speak. "Did she say anything about what
it
feels like to be made love to by me?" I may never be able to tell him
I love
him, but I can give him that much.
"I think that's more of a hands-on experience, don't you?" he asks
trying to
look innocent.
"Let's go find out." I push him off me and head for the bedroom. I
strip on
the way there. Luckily he follows suit. I don't want to play. I want
to
feel him against me; I want to feel him around me.
When we reach the bed, Justin surprises me by pushing his mouth against
mine.
We kiss hungry letting out tongues tangle. I reach my hands down to
stroke
his ass, the inside of his thighs. He loves to be teased. After a few
minutes, Justin pulls away. He smiles mischievously and heads straight
for
my cock. I can't help but sigh in anticipation. You would think after
all
the blow jobs I've had; one would be the same as another. But with
Justin,
it's different. I missed the feel of his mouth on me. I missed the
way he
strokes the underside of my cock with his tongue. I missed the way he
plays
with my balls while he sucks on me. "Justin," I moan.
He pulls back enough to look at me. But his tongue continues to trace
the
tip of my cock.
"Don't stop," I mutter.
His only answer is to wrap his mouth around my cock. His fingers find
my
balls, and after a few minutes of sucking and stroking, I shoot down
his
throat. He gives me a satisfied smile as he kisses his way back to my
mouth.
"Pleased with yourself, are you?" He just keeps smiling. "Well, now
it's my
turn to play." I kiss him one more time and push him gently onto his
stomach. I nibble on the back of his neck and feel him shiver in
response.
Then I slowly work my way down his back. I take my time and make sure
I
kiss and lick every inch of his spine. I wanted the desire to build
for both
of us.
Finally I reach my goal. I part his cheeks and run my tongue along his
crack. I find his hole and trace a path around it. He moans and
pushes
toward me. I begin to press my tongue inside him. I enter slowly
wanting
him to feel every inch of the invasion. Once I'm in, I wiggle my
tongue
around the way he likes it. I reach beneath him for his cock, but he
stops
me.
"No, Brain. I need you inside me now," he pleads.
It wasn't what I planned, but I hear the edge in his voice, and I can't
say
no. I want it as much as he does. I turn him back over and laugh
when he
quickly reaches for the lube and a condom. I hold back a groan as he
puts
the condom on me and strokes it repeatedly into place. I slip a finger
then
two inside him. I want to make sure he's ready.
"Brian enough! Stop teasing me."
I smile at his impatience, but remove my hand. I enter him swiftly and
deeply. I wanted to take this slowly, but the pleasure I feel at being
inside him makes that impossible. He encourages me to give him more,
and I
do. Each thrust gets faster and deeper. I kiss him over and over
again.
His hands roam my chest, tugging at my nipples. When he bites down on
my
lip, I know it's time. I begin to rapidly stroke his cock. He pulls
me
closer and begins to convulse around me. I bury my face in his neck
and let
my own orgasm take over.
Later, he falls asleep still holding on to me. I know we still have
things
to work out, to discuss, but I don't care. He's back in my arms, and
that's
all that matters.