"Tell me about your nightmares."
Nothing Brian could have said would have shocked me more. We never
talked
about my nightmares. Ever. That was one of the rules of living with
Brian
Kinney. But now he's asking. I don't know what to make of it. My
first
instinct is to play stupid, to tell him I don't know what he's talking
about.
There's no reason to drag both of us into the hell my nights have
become.
But the slightly drunk and reckless part of me says fuck it. I'm tired
of
protecting Brian, of protecting everyone. I'm tired of pretending
everything
is fine when it so clearly isn't. Mostly, I'm tired of pretending I
can
handle something I am completely unequipped to deal with alone. So if
Brian
wants to know about my nightmares, I'll tell him.
I look away from Brian because I know I'll never get through this if I
can
see him. Just thinking about the nightmares kills whatever buzz I had
going.
I try to keep my voice steady when I speak. "It's like what I
remember only
different. I hear you call me, but your voice sounds funny, far away.
When
I turn around, I can't see you. You're not there, and I'm looking for
you.
That's when Chris hits me. Then I can't see anything; I just hurt. I
can't
move; I can't see. I'm waiting for you to come to me, but you never
do.
You're not there. I want to call you, but I can't."
I make the mistake of looking at Brian when I finish. I wish more than
anything I could take the words back. He's never looked so hurt. He
starts
to say something but doesn't. I don't know what to say. I've gone too
far.
Crossed lines that never should have been crossed. We just sit there
and
stare at each other.
Then he puts his arms around me and presses me against his chest. He
holds
me so tightly I can barely breathe. He starts to quietly whisper my
name
over and over again. I wrap my arms around him no longer sure who is
comforting who. We stay that way for a long time.
Finally, he pushes me slightly away. He starts running his hands
through my
hair, over my face. "I didn't leave you. I didn't leave you there
alone,"
he says softly. Brian's eyes are so full of pain it hurts to look at
him. I
couldn't speak if I wanted to. Instead, I lean up and kiss him.
Brain takes the kiss over, pushing his tongue deep inside my mouth.
His
hands leave my face and begin to stroke my back. I slip my hands under
his
shirt. As much as I want to enjoy the feel of his skin, I'm too busy
trying
to figure out how to get his shirt off of him. Brian gasps when my
fingers
brush against his nipples. I take advantage of the brief separation of
our
mouths to run kisses along his jaw and suck his earlobe into my mouth.
Before long we're both shirtless. I close my eyes when he pulls on my
nipple
ring. His hands reach for my zipper; then he stops.
Brian looks at me intently, "Justin, how drunk are you?"
"Not drunk enough. Unless I'm imagining all this, then I'm in way
worse
shape than I thought." When he smiles and laughs, I think my heart is
going
to explode. He pulls me toward the bedroom, and we shed our remaining
clothing on the way.
I lay on my back in his bed. Brian is on his side next to me. He's
staring
at me and lightly running his hand up and down my chest. It's just
enough
contact to make me shiver, but not enough to satisfy anything. I want
more;
I need so much more. But I can't do more than stare back at him. He's
mesmerizing in the blue light. So fucking beautiful, I can't turn
away. He
kisses me and my paralysis is broken.
We make love for hours. It's slow and beautiful and perfect. It is a
passion that keeps building until it takes you higher than you ever
thought
possible. But you are never out of control because someone is there to
ground you. Brian touches me everywhere. He strokes, caresses, and
massages. I mimic the movements of his hands with my mouth and tongue.
I
can't get enough of the taste of Brian. I don't know how I lived so
long
without it. Our exploration is gentle, intimate, and thorough. The
curve of
an ear, the line of a shoulder, the tip of a cock, the back of a knee.
Nothing is left untouched.
Finally, Brian reaches for the lube. He carefully slips one finger
inside
me, then two. I push against him wanting so much more. He brushes the
hair
back from my face, smiles, and whispers, "Wait, let me touch you." I
try to
relax and just enjoy the sensations his fingers are creating. When I
think I
can't take any more, he pulls away, and I watch him put a condom on.
He enters me slowly, and once he is all the way in, he looks into my
eyes.
"Justin, if you ever need me, I will be there." Then he kisses me, and
all
thought stops. Each thrust brings me closer to him until I can't tell
where
I stop and he begins. We kiss over and over again. His mouth on mine
feels
like home. He begins to play with my nipples and I lose all control.
I
scream his name as my climax hits.
I feel him push even deeper inside me, and I force myself to open my
eyes. I
want to watch him. I love seeing Brian have an orgasm. One unguarded
moment
of pleasure. He is so incredibly beautiful. Before long I am rewarded
with
my favorite sight.
After we clean up, Brian pulls me to him. My back rests against his
chest;
his arms wrap around me. "I didn't leave you, Justin. I couldn't have
done
that."
"I know Brian." I reach for his hand trying to offer some comfort.
He continues as if he didn't hear me, "When I got to you, there was
already
so much blood. I called your name, but you didn't answer. I wanted to
hold
you, but I knew I couldn't move you. I held your hand. I laid down
next to
you and talked to you until the ambulance got there. They wouldn't let
me
touch you, but I didn't leave. I went with you do the hospital, and I
kept
talking to you. I wanted you to hear me. I stayed with you until the
doctors took you away."
I can't imagine what it cost Brian to say these things to me. I hate
more so
much that I hurt him so much. I hate that I opened my mouth tonight.
But I
can't be sorry that I'm finally hearing what happened that night. I'm
finally finding out how much he cared. I'll cherish these words even
if it
makes what I lost so much worse. "I'm sorry, Brian. I never should
have
said anything to you. I know you didn't leave me. The dream, it's not
about
that. I think it's about what I lost of that night. The memories, the
feelings, our night together. Daphne tries to explain it to me, but
I'll
never understand. It's all gone."
Brian lays his head against mine. His chin rests on my shoulder. When
he
speaks, I can feel his breath on my ear. It's a soft and comforting
feeling.
"When I walked into that room and saw all those kids, I was so tempted
to
turn around and walk back out. Then I saw you. You looked so amazing,
and
there was no way I could leave without seeing you, without touching
you. I
will never forget the look on your face when you saw me coming toward
you.
It was magic. No one has ever looked at me like that."
Brian tells me about every moment of that night, every step, every
word,
every kiss. For the first time, I feel like I was there. I feel like
it
really did happen. While he talks, one of Brian's hands tightly
clutches
mine, the other gently strokes the scar on my temple. He pauses when
he
reaches the end of the night. I wonder if he'll stop there, but he
continues. "You smiled at me one more time before you headed back to
Daphne.
It was such a beautiful smile; I swear you were glowing. We had so
much to
look forward to that night. I got in the jeep to leave, but I couldn't
take
my eyes off of you. I watched you in the mirror. I watched you walked
away,
and then," he stops again and his thumb stills against my scar. "And
then,
they lived happily ever after."
I think my heart stops for a minute when he says that. I want so badly
to
believe that. It's what we deserved; what we should have had. I turn
so I
can look at Brian. There are tears in his eyes, and I kiss them away.
I
want to thank him, but I don't know how. He's given me what I told him
was
the best night of my life back. He let me see how beautiful it was,
how
happy we were. Even if I never get my memory back, Brian gave me his.
No
one can take that away from me. I want to tell him how much that means
to
me, but I can't find the words. For once, I am speechless. I pull him
to me
and show him instead.
Your Wildest Ambitions (Brian's POV)
The first thing I did when I woke up was reach for Justin. It took me
over a
month to break myself of that habit, but apparently only one night to
fall
back into it. But just like all those mornings after he left, my hand
finds
nothing but air. For a moment, I wonder if I imagined last night.
Maybe I
did get incredibly drunk and dreamt all of it. Then I hear the shower
running, and I know he's still here. Last night did happen. The sex,
the
tears, the comfort, all of it. I start to remember the things we said
to
each other, and that's when panic sets in.
It would have been so much better if Justin had been with me when I
woke up.
Then I wouldn't have time to think; I would have to go on instinct.
Instead,
I'm left waiting for him. With nothing to do but think. What the fuck
was I
thinking last night? Obviously, I wasn't. I just wanted to erase that
look
from his eyes. I did that, but at what cost. I shared things with him
I
promised myself I'd never remember let alone speak of. I did things
with him
I swore I'd never do with anyone especially Justin. Now what?
I am so fucked. I don't know what it is about Justin that makes me
break all
my rules. Maybe it's because he didn't know any better. He didn't
know I
came with demons and hang-ups and a long list of things I don't do. He
knew
what he wanted and saw no reason I couldn't give it to him. Too often
I did
or at least tried and came close enough to give him hope. He's going
to come
out of that bathroom and look at me like our being together is the most
natural thing in the world. And I don't know how I'll stop myself from
believing him.
It must be more than that; it must be something special about him. I
mean
look at poor Mikey. He's loved me forever; he's wanted me forever.
But I
have never broken any of my rules for him. He looks at me with those
adoring
eyes and nothing. I'm not even tempted. Mikey would make it too easy.
He'd
take whatever I gave him, put up with all my bullshit, and never miss a
beat.
I'd go crazy in a week. But Justin's not like that. He expects
something
from me; he expects me to be something. I think that's what kept me
coming
back to him. He actually believed I could be more, that I could have
more
than the pathetic life I created for myself. I never thought I'd be as
disappointed as he was every time I failed.
But no more. It all ends today. Last night was special. It's
something I
can hang on to and know that I did one good thing for him. But now I
have to
destroy it. I have to crush him. Justin has to leave here knowing
there is
no hope for us. We will never be. I thought when he was finally
strong
enough to walk away from me that it would be OK. I should have known
it was
too easy. When he didn't come back to me after he left the fiddler, I
thought I was safe. But then I had to fuck everything up. I had to
try and
rescue him one more time. I told him everything about that night.
Justin
must realize how I felt about him. He's going to want to fight for
that. I
won't do that again. So no matter how much it kills both of us, I have
to
convince him that any feelings I had for him are gone.
I hear the water turn off and brace myself for a confrontation.
Despite what
people may think, it's not easy for me to be cruel to Justin. It's a
long
time before he comes out fully clothed. He walks past the bed without
a word
or a kiss and starts to put his shoes on. "What are you doing?"
He answers without looking at me, "Leaving."
"What?"
He turns toward me now and looks annoyed at having to repeat himself.
"Leaving, Brian. You know walking out the door, going somewhere else.
It's
a pretty basic concept."
I should be pissed at him for talking to me like a child, but I'm too
busy
being confused. This isn't like Justin at all. He's acting like
nothing
happened. I should just let him go, but for some reason, I can't.
"Why?"
"It's time," he shrugs. "I should have left last night; I know that.
But we
fell asleep." For a moment there's something in his eyes, but it's
gone
before I can figure it out. "Don't worry Brian; I'm not going to start
stalking you again."
"So that's it? You're just leaving?" I could kill myself for saying
these
things to him, but I can't help it. I bared my soul to the kid, and
he's
just going to walk away. Jesus Christ, what the hell does he want from
me?
I refuse to acknowledge the absurdity of me being upset with Justin for
doing
exactly what I want him to do.
He looks at me for a few minutes, and I swear he's reading my mind. I
always
hated it when he did that. He walks over, kneels by the bed, and
reaches for
my hands. There's a glimmer of tears in his eyes when he speaks.
"Brian,
last night was perfect. I wanted to thank you, but I was afraid you'd
be
upset. I can't tell you how much it meant to me. Now next year and
every
year after that, I'll have last night to remember, and my memories can
be
good ones. I can never thank you enough for that."
He starts to walk away again. I find that I am incapable of letting
him walk
through the door. "Justin, stop." He turns and looks at me.
Unfortunately,
I have nothing to say. I don't know why I stopped him. Except once
again,
our conversation is going all wrong. I'm supposed to be taking hope
away
from him; not the other way around.
Justin finally breaks the silence, "Brian don't. Please don't ruin
this.
Last night was what it was. An aberration or a moment out of time.
Maybe it
was our chance to say goodbye. A chance to let go of all the
bitterness.
Leave like that."
"How exactly would we ruin it?" I can't help the hint of sarcasm that
slips
into my voice. It's always been my best defense.
"By making it more than it was. By pretending we have a chance when we
don't."
When the fuck did he become so cynical? "How do you know we don't?" I
see
the look on his face, and I know he thinks I'm playing a game. But the
only
mind I'm fucking with is mine.
He sighs sadly, "Brian, I had my one chance with you, and I blew it. I
know
that. OK? I know there's no going back, there's no trying again,
there's no
second chances. It's a miracle I got what I did from you; I knew what
it
meant when I walked away. What do you want me to say? I fucked up. I
couldn't be enough for you, and no matter how much I loved you, I
couldn't
live with what you were willing to give me."
Well, he got half of it right. He deserves so much more than I can
give him;
I'm glad he finally realizes it. I should let it go at that, but still
I
don't. "What do you want?"
"I want someone who can love me freely. Someone who doesn't see their
feelings for me as a burden, who doesn't see me as a burden. I'm not
as
naive as I was before. I know it's not about saying the right words or
making grand gestures. It has to be about feelings. Feeling like you
belong
to each other, like you are in it together. I want someone who can see
me as
a partner, who can look at me and be glad I'm in their life. I want to
be
happy."
I want to tell him that he's wrong. He wasn't a burden to me. I did
think
of him as my partner even if I didn't treat him that way. It's on the
tip of
my tongue to tell him I can try. But I don't because we both know
better.
And it would be crueler to pretend then to admit defeat now. "I can't
be
that someone."
"I know Brian. It's not who you are." He smiles, but it's hollow.
For some reason, that pisses me off. What does he know about me? He
doesn't
know what I want, what I'm capable of. He thinks he understands me,
but he's
clueless. He thinks I don't believe in love, that I don't want to
share my
life with someone. The more I think about it the angrier I get. Maybe
it's
time Justin understood exactly what happened between us. Maybe he
needs to
know why I didn't ask him to stay.
So Open Yourself For Me (Justin's POV)
Brian looks at me, eyes blazing, and I know he's mad. I just can't
figure
out why. But since I have no idea what has been going all morning that
comes
as no surprise. All I wanted to do was leave. Preferably before Brian
woke
up, but that didn't happen. Nothing's gone as planned since. Every
time I
try to leave, he stops me. Now here we are. I'm halfway between the
bedroom
and the door, and he's glaring at me from the bed.
He' still not speaking so I have a few minutes to try and decide what I
did.
He should have just let me go; I know that's what he wanted. I
understand
Brian enough to know he was trying to figure out ways to convince me
that
last night changes nothing, that we still have no future together.
What he
doesn't realize is that I understand that all too well. Which is why I
was
leaving. I'm glad I at least got a chance to thank him. I want him to
know
that even though last night can't mean anything for us, it meant
everything
to me.
When he asked me why we couldn't be together, I thought he was trying
to
punish me. Then I realized he wanted to be sure I knew. He needed me
to say
we were over for good. And I did, but he still wouldn't let me leave.
He
asked me what I wanted. I gave him the best answer I could with
shouting
that all I wanted was him, any way I could have him. As hard as it's
been,
I've finally let go of that fantasy. So I told him what I want as
honestly
as I could. He told me he could never be the one to give it to me. He
didn't need to; I already know that. Doesn't he know that his
limitations
and boundaries are burned into my soul? I did the only thing left to
do; I
acknowledged the truth of what he said. And now he's staring at me
like he
wants to kill me. I think I'll leave now. Maybe he'll let me go this
time.
"You said you left because I didn't want you to stay. Why?" His voice
rings
out loudly in the unnatural silence that had fallen between us.
Without thinking, I take a step toward him. "I know I said that,
Brian. But
I don't think it's true. I left because" that's as far as I get before
he
interrupts me.
"No, I didn't want you to stay. Tell me why."
"Because you didn't love me?" I know it's a pathetic answer, but he
has me
too stunned to think properly. Is this some new way to torture me?
Let's
list the reason he wanted to get rid me. Not exactly how I wanted to
spend
the day.
He waves his hand in the air dismissing my answer, "Love has nothing to
do
with anything. It never has. Try again."
I feel like I'm on Jeopardy or something. "I was in your way. You were
tired
of having me around. I was only supposed to stay for a little while."
"Jesus Christ, Justin. Is that the best you can do? And to think I
gave you
credit for being smarter than the rest of the morons that surround me.
So
help me God, if you spout any nonsense about my thinking you would be
happier
with the fiddler, I'll kill you where you stand. Last chance Sunshine.
Use
your fucking head."
I look at Brian carefully. As much as I hate to do it, I try to
remember the
last few months we spent together. I know my answer is important.
Maybe
more for Brian than for me. He's not rushing me, and I'm grateful for
that.
I don't want to screw this up. Then it hits me. I don't know how I
didn't
see it. I'm not sure how far to go with it. If I'm wrong, it could
blow up
in my face. I make sure I can see Brian's eyes before I speak. I need
to
see his reaction to my answer. "I wanted too much from you. It didn't
matter if I asked; you knew. I told you I didn't want you to change,
but you
knew I wanted more."
"Not bad, Sonnyboy. It's closer than I thought you'd get. I'll help
you
out. You told me what you wanted. What do I want?"
Fuck! Just when I start to make some progress, he throws me off
balance.
How the hell do I answer that. "You want to be free. No expectations,
no
demands. You want a life that designed for pleasure and convenience."
"Is that what you think I want?" He sounds disappointed.
"No, it's what you think you want. It's what you try and convince
everyone
that you want."
Now he looks surprised, but he laughs, "So what do I really want."
"The same thing everyone else does. You want to be loved and accepted.
You
want someone you can feel safe with, who you can be yourself with. But
you'll never let your guard down enough for that to happen." It sounds
so
sad when I say it aloud, but I know it's true. Brian's spent too long
building walls to let anyone in.
"Maybe you do know me after all," Brian says quietly.
"So it that what went wrong? I got too close. I fell in love with you
and
that made me a threat. I'm not like Michael. I'm not content to watch
your
life from the sidelines. I was always pushing to get closer."
And just like that the anger's back. "Fuck you! Who do you think you
are?
Did it ever occur to you that I have all those rules for a reason?
That I
keep people at a distance for a reason? But you wouldn't stop. You
were so
sure I was what you wanted. You wouldn't listen when I told you I
didn't
believe in love, that I could never give you the life you dreamed of.
And
damn you, sometimes you made me believe to. Look where that got us.
Your
fucking prom."
"Brian, stop it. What happened wasn't your fault. You know that." I
hate
that we always seem to come back to that. It won't leave us alone.
"It's not about blame, Justin. I should have learned my lesson, but I
let
you back in. Not because it was better for you, but because I wanted
you.
You need to understand that; it's always about me. I did things with
you,
for you that I knew I had no business doing. But I made excuses. It
was to
help you get better; it was only temporary. All bullshit. Then there
was
your birthday. Don't look at me like that; I don't mean the fucking
hustler.
I was going to buy you flowers. I had them in my hand, but," he looks
away
and shakes his head. "And when I made partner, all I wanted was to
celebrate
with you. To come home and share it with you."
"What's wrong with that?" I see now that Brian cared for me more than
he
ever showed me. More that he would ever admit.
"It's not me, Justin. It's not who I can ever be. Emmett, Debbie,
Lindsay,
they all have these romantic notions about me. They think I let you go
so
you could have a better life. They think I wanted to save you from me.
They
couldn't be more wrong. I let you go so I could save myself."
The anger is gone from his voice. But there is a note of desperation
that
scares me even more. "From what, Brian?"
"From you and everything you wanted me to be. People looked at us and
thought you were turning into me. But what was really happening is
that I
was turning into you. I couldn't let that happen. Every day, I was
losing
more of myself to you. There wasn't going to be anything left. I
couldn't
let that happen."
"I don't understand." And I don't. I'm not even sure I want to.
"Of course, you don't. You can't. To you, love is a good thing. But
I know
better. I survived, God how do I make you understand what I survived?
I
survived my parents. I survived being unapologeticly gay in a straight
world. In order to do that, I became who I am. I created Brain
Kinney.
That's all I have in my life. All I can count on. I can't give that
up. I
won't let you take that away from me."
While he was talking, I kept moving closer to Brian. Now I'm standing
right
in front of him. I swear I can feel the desperation and pain radiating
from
him. I finally understand why he made me leave. While I saw Brian's
love
for me, and I know now more than ever that he did love me, as something
to
draw strength from, he saw it as a weakness. It was his enemy. Our
being
together was destroying him day by day. The closer we got, the more
threatened he felt. He was surviving the only way he knew how. By
being
alone. I found the one thing I'll never be strong enough to fight.
Brian's
past.
I look at Brian and it kills me to see him so vulnerable. I love him
more
than anything, but I have to let him go. I kiss him one last time, "I
won't
ask that of you, Brian. Ever again." This time when I go to leave, he
doesn't stop me.