Author: jule pellinja@aol.com
Website: Thanks to the wonderful Kristopher, I actually have a website.
Check the Links section of the group.
Archiving Permissions: If someone wants it they are more than welcome
to it.
Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine. I borrowed them from Cowlip and
Showtime
Rating: PG-13? (just language really)
Spoilers: Season 2
Summary: Brian goes after what he really wants.
Credit: Title from Erasure's fantastic cover of the Peter Gabriel
song "Solsbury Hill."
Author's note: As soon as I heard this line I became obsessed with
the idea of Brian saying it. It just took me a long time to figure
out the rest of the story. Another attempt on my part to find a
simple solution to the Rage fiasco. Please send feedback!
Brian walked up the stairs and tried to figure out what he was even
doing there. He should be at home sleeping not here looking for
him. It was all so ridiculous and probably pointless. Luckily,
he couldn't imagine running into anyone he knew in this hellhole.
The closer he got; the more irritated he became with himself. One
fucking night, he couldn't even last one fucking night. How pathetic
was that? Once he reached the door, the urge to leave became even
stronger. But instead of turning around, he found himself knocking.
"What are you doing here?"
Brian ignored the man sneering at him. His eyes automatically
searched for Justin. He found him standing a few feet back from the
door. He looked beautiful, but he also looked tired and miserable.
For some reason, that gave Brian hope. He couldn't think of anything
to say so he inclined his head in Justin's direction.
"Brain?"
"Grab your things; I've come to take you home." Brian felt as
surprised as Justin looked by what he had said.
"What?" Justin asked clearly confused.
"You heard me. Let's go." Brian hoped he sounded more confident
than he felt. If Justin resisted, he wasn't sure what he would do.
"Just like that?"
"We'll talk later; I promise. Will you just come with me?" Brain
was quickly losing patience. He was about two minutes away from going
in there and carrying Justin out. Whatever it took.
Justin looked at Brian closely for a minute then reached for his
bag. He was halfway to the door when Ethan grabbed his arm. "Where
are you going?"
Justin turned to look at Brian before answering. "Home,apparently."
His smile left no doubt as to what that meant. Ethan's shoulders
slumped as he watched Justin walk away with Brian.
The ride home was silent. Now that Brian had Justin with him, he was
once again at a loss for words. He needed time to regroup, time to
figure how to answer the questions Justin was sure to ask. He wanted
to enjoy having Justin with him before it all went to hell.
They had been back at the loft for a few minutes before Justin said
anything. "Brian, why did you bring me back here?"
Brian picked nervously at his fingernails. It wasn't the worst
question he could imagine, but that didn't make it any easier to
answer. He moved so he was facing slightly away from Justin. "I
missed you last night," he finally said quietly. "It was different
without you. It seemed quiet, empty."
"I didn't think you'd notice."
Fuck! Justin was going to make this difficult. "I know what I said,
but it wasn't exactly true. It does matter to me if you are here or
not. I do care. But I didn't want that to be the reason you
stayed. I needed you to choose. It had to be your decision." Then
he added softly, "I wanted you to choose me."
"How was I supposed to choose you when you were going out of your way
to prove you didn't want me? I felt like I had no choice. I thought
I was doing what you wanted. I was starting to feel more and more
like the trick that stayed too long. Just like Michael always fucking
said."
Brain was surprised by Justin's anger. "You're more than that. You
know that."
"I used to. But sometimes it's so damn hard. Everything you say,
everything you do is some kind of code. And I don't seem to
understand it anymore."
Brian knew he couldn't argue with Justin so he tried to change the
subject. "I t doesn't matter what I'm saying or doing. All you're
supposed to care about is what you want. That's what you needed to
figure out. What you wanted and where you wanted to be."
Justin laughed, "That's such bullshit; I'm not even going to waste my
time explaining it to you. All I've ever wanted is you. It's not
like I made a secret of that."
"Are you sure? It didn't take much for you to leave." Brian willed
himself to shut up. He had Justin back, but he was practically
pushing him out the door. At some level, he still needed Justin to
choose to stay.
"It took a lot for me to leave. You just weren't paying attention.
Seriously Brian, you weren't the only one who had a bad night. As
difficult, temperamental, and impossible as you are, you are the one
I want. Ethan was a nice distraction, but that's all he was. I
liked having someone say all the right words to me and act like I was
the most important person in the world. But it didn't mean anything
because he wasn't you. It wasn't real. At least not on my part. I
would have left whether you showed up or not."
"I'll never be like him, Justin. You have to understand that. I'll
never have the right words, and I'll hurt you more times that you'll
be able to count." Brian wanted Justin to be clear on what he
was in for. And then he wanted him to stay anyway.
"I know all that, and I can live with that. Because when you aren't
busy proving what an asshole you are, you are the most amazing man
I've ever met. You're a much better person than you give yourself
credit for. I'll only ask one thing of you. You can fuck every fag
in Pittsburgh, except Michael of course, fifty times for all I care.
All you have to do is let me know that I mean more than that. Don't
let me think I'm nothing but a convenient fuck. Even if you think
it's for my own good. I know you better than you think I do so I
won't be as easy to manipulate in the future."
"So you think you know me?" Brian laughed at Justin's knowing
smile. "I can do that, or at least try. You are more than that, a
lot more. But you have to remind me too. This doesn't come
naturally to me so you need to help me." Brian knew it would be
difficult for him. His instinct was to keep people at a distance.
By letting Justin know he was important to him, he was giving
Justin the power to hurt him. But if he didn't, he'd lose Justin.
And that hurt more than he'd ever imagined.
"I can do that."
"I pushed you away because you were getting too close. I'd never let
anyone see that much of me before. I thought it was safer to back
away."
"Brian, I love that you would let your guard down with me. My
favorite times with you were when you forgot your act and let me see
how you really felt. It's what I saw from the first night I
met you. When you starting hiding from me again, I thought you
didn't want me anymore. I thought it was your way of letting me know
I'd overstayed my welcome."
"Well, you know what I figured out?" Brian asked as he reached for
Justin's hands. "I like having you close to me." He pulled Justin
to him.
Justin's smile lit up the room. "How close?" he asked seductively.
"Why don't I show you." Brian led him back to the bedroom. The room
that had seemed so empty last night now looked very inviting. He
knew they still had things to talk about, but he also knew they'd
work everything out. All that mattered was that Justin was home
again. Right where he belonged.