"Quit squirming...I'm almost there. Ah...stay still, goddammit!" Brian yelled.
"You're hurting me! Hurry up, I didn't come over here for this!" the nameless, faceless trick replied.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
"Are you gonna answer that?" the trick breathed, hoping for a reprieve.
"Fuck it...that's what machines are for. Now shut up, you're making me lose my concentration. One more minute," Brian spat out, thrusting deeply, wanting this over as much as the guy he was pressing into did. The phone kept ringing until the machine picked up.
The trick just grabbed onto the back of the couch and held on. The great Brian Kinney had lived up to his reputation...a total stud and a total dick.
"Here we go boy...take it for all its worth!" and Brian came. He convulsed and twisted his body and mind into something that was familiar, the anti-climatic manner of the King.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
"Goddammit, fucking Michael!" Brian yelled to himself, to the loft. He wrenched himself from the trick and went to pick up the nagging, unrelenting ringing. He discarded the condom in route.
"This better be fucking good Michael...its 3 am!" Brian yelled into the receiver. He stood idle, taken aback by the voice on the other end of the phone. He fidgeted, ran his hand through his hair, and then calmed.
"Yeah, I heard you. When? Where is she now? I'll be there. I said, I'll fucking be there!" Brian droned and disconnected the call. He stood there with the phone in his hands, staring blankly. He was snapped out of his trance by the trick's comment.
"Problems?" the trick asked.
"Humph...you're one of them. Bye," Brian replied curtly.
"What about me?" the trick asked on. He began to gather his clothes that were strewn throughout the living room.
"What about you? Why are you still here?" Brian again replied, curtly. He had things to do. No time for this bullshit.
"Fuck you," the trick spat.
"No...fuck you. That is what I did, what you begged at Babylon for. Now, get the fuck out. I'm done with you...no lingering...not anymore," Brian started out coarsely, but got wispy at the end.
The trick went and left Brian to his solitude. He reached inside the fridge for a bottle of water, but instead grabbed a beer. He took himself and the beer to the chaise and heaved himself upon it. I gotta get to the hospital. I have to sit there and watch, all over again...someone who is clinging to life...not being able to do a fucking thing. At least it isn't my fault this time. But, I am sure the old bitch will spin it towards me somehow. If not her, then Claire.
Brian drained the beer and willed himself up. He walked into his bedroom and threw on some clothes. Picking up his leather and phone on his way out the door, he dialed a number and hung up. He dialed it without thinking...hopefully he caught it before it would register on the person's phone. Why the fuck did I call him? I need him.
***************************
Walking into the corridor, Brian instantly became queasy. This was too familiar a place. Lindsey, Justin, Ben and now...Joanie Kinney.
When Claire called crying, screaming at Brian to get to the hospital, he immediately went numb. What was he to do, really? Run, rushing to his mother's side? The same mother who cast me aside in my youth. Threw me to the wolf, Jack Kinney. The same mother that wished her only son, eternal hell for his homosexuality...that prayed for my soul, but gave a fuck about my heart. Hope she was praying for her own, in the meantime.
He walked up to the door and saw Claire sitting beside their mother's bed. Her face was swollen and tight. Her tear stained face was mashed up against Joanie's hand at her side. Brian watched how easily Claire cried...how easily she showed her emotions. That was the most profound difference between Brian and Claire...thank God, there were many, many others. He glanced to see Joanie's face. Ever the tight-lipped scowl on her face. A heart attack cannot even jar it into something human. Her body was rigid and no doubt cold, much the same when she was conscious. He took note of the tubes in her nose and watched the rise and fall of her chest. This scene was all too familiar.
A nagging guilt crept into Brian. Why didn't he rush to her side? Why is he silently watching Claire take the burden? He did love his mother. He had always loved his mother. Loved his father too...look what that got him. Much the same from Joanie...loving always gave pain. So, he stood there for a minute more and contemplated his actions. No matter what, he would be the dutiful son. He would give and give, receiving nothing in return for his efforts from his family. That was his road in life; he'd accepted it long ago.
Pushing open the door, he crept in. "Brian! Oh God, Brian! Mommy...what's going to happen to Mommy? What am I gonna do?"
Hopefully they return her cold stone statue back to the museum. It's been on loan too long. "Claire, get it fucking together. Can you stop crying and feeling sorry for yourself for one second?" Brian huffed.
"Her neighbor, Mrs. Sheffield called. They were supposed to go to mass and then dinner," Claire sputtered out, between sobs. "She found her in the kitchen."
"What time was that?" Brian asked, noting that it was now close to 4 in the morning.
"About 530 pm, I think. I called you. I left messages at your loft. I don't have your mobile," Claire sighed.
Brian did feel sorry for Claire at that utterance. He never wanted Claire to have his mobile...she would undoubtedly bombard him with calls at her leisure. He declined every time she asked for it, that way; he could keep her at arm's length. But, still...maybe he could have been here earlier. Would he have foregone his night out if he knew his mother lay here now?
"What have the doctors said?" Brian asked, pulling Claire up out of her chair.
Wiping her eyes, she looked up at her younger brother. So solid. So together. So unfeeling. "She had a massive heart attack. Probably brought on by stress and drinking. Not taking care of herself. I am so ashamed Brian."
"What the fuck do you have to be ashamed of Claire? And what kind of stress is mom going through?" Brian asked.
"I should have been there more for her Brian. She has been hurting this whole year...she never got over Daddy's death, I guess. Plus, the feud you and her have, it has worn her down," Claire replied quietly.
Brian just stood there. She hasn't been hurting over fucking Jack Kinney. I know she danced a little jig when he died. Probably said a prayer to hasten his condition...I know I did. And the feud? Well...she's closer to her 'fag free afterlife' now. That should make her happy.
"Go home Claire, I will stay," Brian said solemnly. Claire looked at Brian incredulously and then Brian motioned to her with his hand.
"Go home to your children, before they burn the fucking house down. You really should think of placing those brats in foster care, for their own good," he smirked and watched Claire smile and leave.
Taking a seat next to his mother's bed, Brian stared at her. He didn't grab her hand; he just smoothed the hair off her forehead. He silently watched her...no matter what she's done to him, said, or didn't say...she was still his mother.
He sat with her until around 830am and then got up to go take a smoke break and check his messages. There were a couple of calls from Michael, of course. No returned calls...that's good. He didn't know that his call did indeed register to the caller's phone and at that moment, Justin stared at the display...it read "Brian." He thought long and hard on why he would have received the call. It came at 3:32am. It had been six weeks since they'd seen each other. Six weeks since they had said goodbye...or rather, Brian had pushed Justin too far.
Justin knew what Brian had done. He knew he had been thrown, not pushed off the proverbial cliff. He still doubted if Brian truly thought it best for Justin or if it was for Brian himself. The love still lingered for Brian, it would never, ever falter. Disillusionment abounded, but it didn't take over the love. A new road had been taken. It wasn't the right one, just that the other road he had traveled had been blocked by construction, an accident....maybe a bridge. Who the fuck knows with Brian Kinney, he found himself utter aloud.
"Who are you talking to Justin?" Ethan asked, jarred from his breakfast with the name of his nemesis hanging in the air.
"Huh? What? Oh nothing," Justin stammered. God, talk about zeroing in on my thoughts. How come you can't hear anything else I fucking say? In one ear and out the other, but when I say Brian Kinney...you perk up!
"I gotta go, see you later," Justin said, picking up his portfolio.
"Do you want to spend the night again Justin?" Ethan asked, crossing the room to meet his lover at the door.
"I don't know. I have a lot of work to do tonight. Maybe later this week, okay?" Justin tried to smile. Quit smothering me!
"Fine. Talk to you later then, right?" Ethan replied, hanging onto the doorknob, wanting to wrench it from its socket.
"Yeah," Justin said and left. Ethan watched him bound down the stairs, a spring in his step?
*****************************
Brian sat on the roof, smoking and nursing his coffee. He remembered being here with Michael the night of Gus's birth. Standing on the ledge, wanting to jump as if some unknown force was trying to tell him something. Trying to spare him the pain of the coming years. He remembered coming up here for Justin as well. Silently asking the unknown force to trade up, if only Justin would pull through. Now he was here again. He had no bargain drawn up; he had nothing.
He pulled out his phone and dialed Michael. He told Michael the situation and that he would probably be in and out lately, waiting until his mother recuperated. He told him more than once, not to show up. That isn't what he wanted. But, he was trying to communicate to those around him...let them know what was going on with him. Too bad the one person that he wanted most to communicate with and to was gone. He knew Michael would inevitably show up. Couldn't resist the urge to usurp anyone in line for Brian's affection and attention. He made it known to all that he was Brian's best friend and would never let him shoulder anything on his own.
Michael had been talking with Brian when Justin came into the store. When Michael saw Justin enter, he slowly turned around and talked more quietly. Justin took note of that and knew at once whom he was talking to. He had gotten used to this. A couple of times he even asked Michael how Brian was doing. An angry glare was directed in response and an admonishment for hurting his friend. Justin could tell that something was wrong when Michael got off the phone. He acted squirrelly and then started shuffling papers.
"What's wrong Michael? Is Brian alright?" Justin asked, very concerned.
"None of your business Justin. Leave it alone," Michael huffed.
"You know, you don't have to be a dick all the time. Why do you even want to continue this partnership, if you hate me so much?" Justin tried to speak without yelling at Michael.
"It’s not my fucking choice, believe me! I need this and you need this, so we're stuck. Besides, I made a promise to someone...and I don't go back on my word," Michael drilled.
"I need this like I need another bat to my head Michael! So fuck you! It isn't worth it!" Justin spat. He knew that the money was good and his art was being displayed and appreciated. He also knew from then on, that Brian had made Michael keep the partnership with Justin. Only Michael thought it was for his benefit, not Justin's. Big mistake...always a big mistake misinterpreting Brian's actions about Justin.
The 'bat to the head' comment stung Michael. For all his hatred towards Justin, he still didn't wish that pain on anyone. "Justin, look...I'm sorry okay. I don't want you to quit. I just won't discuss Brian with you. I won't. It is over between you and him. You got what you wanted; you're free. Brian is fine...he doesn't need your concern." Brian just needs time to get over you, to get you out of his system. Then, everything can go back to normal, like before you came along.
Justin and Michael stared at each other for a second. Neither wanting to continue this conversation.
Grabbing his jacket, Michael said, "I have to go out. I'll be back after lunch," and with that, he was out the door. Justin knew that Michael was rushing to be at Brian's side. He only hoped that Brian was okay.
The only contact that Justin had maintained with his 'family' was basically with Michael. That wasn't exactly the kind of contact he wanted, but that is what he was stuck with. He did see Debbie every once in a while when she had dinner or drinks with Jennifer. He felt it best to distance himself from the others because of Ethan's insistence at it. Ethan was very insistent that Justin stay away from Brian and his friends. He didn't trust Justin and he didn't trust Brian. He knew if given an opportunity for them to be alone, he would lose Justin. It was ironic to Ethan that never in his life had he been second fiddle, so-to-speak...second anything. Always first. But with Justin and their relationship...he was dead last.
Justin desperately missed the gabfests with Emmett. He knew he was wrong to sever the ties to his friends, but thought that their allegiance was to Brian, so he saved himself the tirades and backstabbing. If anyone, out of the guys, was considered a friend to him, it was Emmett. Justin didn't know that Emmett had come by a couple of times to see him, only to be turned away by Ethan. He only hoped that someday, he could look back on all this and make sense of it. That if he ran into them, they wouldn't hate him. Hopefully they'd understand he did what he had to do. The family did know...they just waited for Justin to come around. Brian on the other hand, had given up waiting. He never went after him or tried to...one of the rules he adhered to. Truth be told, Brian didn't have the stomach or heart left, to hear Justin tell him 'No' or what he feared most...'I don't love you anymore'. So, he thought it best to carry on the only way he knew how.
Michael arrived at the hospital and found his way to Joanie's room. He rushed in and took Brian in his arms, throwing the man off balance.
"Jesus Michael! Calm down!" Brian said.
"Brian, are you alright? Oh my God...is she going to be alright?" Michael said, exasperated. And they all said that Brian was the drama queen...who do you think he got it from?
"Michael, calm the fuck down. Like I told you, she had a massive heart attack. The doctors say it's touch and go," Brian calmly replied. He led Michael out into the hall into some chairs.
"Where's Claire?" Michael asked.
"I sent her home," Brian replied.
"How long have you been here Brian?" Michael asked.
"Since about 4am, I guess," Brian replied, looking at the wall in front of him.
"Why didn't you call sooner? I could have come right over!" Michael wailed.
"It's fine Michael, really. I just wanted you to know what was going on, that's all. I don't need you here at my heels. Go back to work," Brian retorted. I bet you flew out of there. Fuck everything to be by my side. Just like you did with David and now Ben. Was Justin there yet? Did you tell him? Did you tell him about my mother? She knows him, you know...oh that's right, you knew that. Did he ask about me? Did he know you were talking to me?
"I own the store Brian, I can do anything I want. Now, let me get you some coffee or something," Michael said, wiping a stray strand of hair from Brian's forehead. Brian flinched momentarily. He saw the look Michael gave him in return.
"I'm fine Mikey...go back to work. I guarantee I won't be sitting here for 3 days, this time," Brian replied and then looked down. Sitting here for three fucking days waiting for something. For him to open his eyes...tell me it wasn't my fault, tell me he still loved me. That it will always be the best night of his life. Ridiculously romantic...it was. I never stood a chance once I saw him. People always said that Justin belonged to me...I belonged to him.
"Will you call me?" Michael asked quietly. He knew the significance of that comment. The mask of Brian Kinney now shrouded itself upon the man's beautiful face.
"What?" Brian asked, jarred out of his thoughts.
"I said, will you call me?" Michael asked again, gripping Brian's arm.
"Yeah...I'll call you. Now go," Brian replied, shoving Michael out of his seat. He sat there for a minute more and then went back into Joanie's room.
Michael stood and watched Brian retreat back into his mother's room. He knew Brian was suffering and vowed to himself to be there for his friend. Even when he whisked himself away from his life, to run interference into Brian's...he still was shoved to the back of the line. He knew who was at the head of the line...always. Always ahead of Michael. Justin was never leaving Brian's mind or his heart. He would make Brian see the error of his ways. Somehow he would banish Justin forever. The snide comments he so flippantly made were not acknowledged. Brian would not tolerate any bad mouthing of Justin, the same as he wouldn't tolerate about Michael, and he told him as much.
****************************
Justin found himself coming up the stairs to Ethan's apartment. He told himself this morning that he wouldn't be here, but he'd had a shit day and needed to be adored or taken care of. He opened to door to see Ethan sitting on the couch with Wolfram in his lap. The cat suddenly jumped up and ran to Justin's feet, winding itself through his legs. Ethan sat up to see what had gotten his pet's attention and smiled at the blonde beauty standing inside the doorway.
"Hey," Justin whispered and smiled.
"I thought you weren't coming over," Ethan smiled back.
"Yeah, well, I changed my mind. I can do that you know," Justin replied. I can change my mind. I have done it before, will do it again. Just don't make me change it about you.
"Well, I am glad. Come sit down by me," Ethan beckoned and Justin joined him on the couch.
"I have some great news!" Ethan smiled, taking Justin's hand in his.
"Well, tell me," Justin replied, smiling back.
"I won the Heifitz competition Justin! They chose me over 25 other artists! Can you believe it? I knew I was the best...now, so does everyone else!" Ethan said, getting up, making grand gestures with his hands for effect.
"Are you serious? Congratulations Ethan! I am so proud of you!" Justin said and was pulled up into an embrace.
"And, that's not all. I won $25,000! Plus, I am going on tour to Italy! Can't you see it? Me, serenading the audience with my music. Its all because of you, my beautiful, beautiful inspiring muse!" Ethan replied. He grabbed Justin and they started dancing around his apartment, then he dipped Justin.
Justin suddenly felt his head spin and he shot upright. What was that about? He backed away quickly from Ethan. It seemed too familiar and he didn't like the feeling that washed over him.
"What's wrong? Justin?" Ethan went after Justin who shielded himself up against the bathroom door.
Calming himself and shaking his head a little, Justin replied," Uh nothing...just got dizzy for a second. So, you're going to Italy?"
"We're going to Italy Justin. You and me. Okay? I think this is just what we needed. And, I have to have my muse there with me...by my side," Ethan whispered.
"When? How? I have work and school Ethan," Justin stammered. I have a lot to think about. I can't just pack up and go. I have responsibilities here; I have people here that I care about. What happens to them when I leave?
"In a week. They fly us there. You can quit the store and take correspondence courses. What better place to study the masters of art other than Italy?" Ethan confirmed.
Oh my God...I can see The Last Supper! It's supposed to be on display in a little convent in Milan. Then, I can go to Il Duomo...god, the stained glass there is supposed to be amazing! I can see Raphael Sanzio's early works...And then ROME! The Museo Capitolino in Rome...The Sistine Chapel. So many sights to see, so much art at my fingertips, all there for me to see. Now, I finally have my chance to compare Michelangelo’s David to Brian...not just in some art book.
"Florence...can we go to Florence?" Justin piped in.
"That is a stop on the tour baby," Ethan smiled. "Why so insistent on Florence though?"
"Michelangelo’s David is in the Academia Galleria. I've always wanted to see David. He is so beautiful," Justin replied, ecstatic and lost in thought. Brian's strong, taut body. Making him pose as David...he hated that. Ha, it turned him on a little though.
Ethan took note. He wasn't stupid. More than once, he himself compared the beauty of Brian Kinney to David, as others had as well.
Back down to earth, Justin told Ethan that he would have to check with Michael and try to work with the school on the correspondence courses. Maybe he could take up some classes while they were there. "How long would we be gone?"
"Six long months," Ethan said and picked up his violin and began a haunting variation of a Mozart.
Justin just sat there and said nothing. Six months...six months away. Six months away from any reconciliation with Brian. Six months without seeing his face. Well, I've made it six weeks, what's six months? Six months without seeing his eyes...seeing his smirk. It's been hell these past six weeks. I keep hoping to run into him somewhere, maybe at the Diner or something. I swear every fucking vehicle I see is a black Wrangler! No Wranglers in Italy...No Brian Kinney's in Italy. Only Pittsburgh. Only Ethans and Justins and Claudios and Guiseppes...no Brians. No Brians. God, that is a long fucking time. This is really for the best. I can get away and get everything out of my system. I can get Brian out of my system, maybe. Six months will be a breeze...I hope. Still, a feeling of remorse and panic hit him and he wavered back and forth between that panic and remorse. I can't go...what if, what if Brian decides to come look for me? What if something happens to his mother or Lindsey...or even Gus? Brian will need me. He will need me and I won't be here.
As Ethan played on he knew this opportunity to whisk Justin away from Pittsburgh was his chance to solidify his love for him. And the time away would make Justin realize that he loved Ethan, thoughts of Brian Kinney would vanish once and for all, he hoped.
Justin lies in bed that night, with Ethan at his side. His mind was running rampant. He had tried to push the thoughts of Brian out of his head. Brian won't even know I am gone. Justin was excited to go away to Italy. He'd always wanted that. When Emmett had presented him with tickets for he and Brian, he'd been ecstatic. He knew that experiencing Italy with Brian would be the most romantic thing ever to happen in his life. Justin let himself be taken away in his thoughts, revisiting his fantasies. To tour the streets with Brian, to drink cappuccino on the steps of some great cathedral. Having lunch at a little cafe along some quaint avenue, the kind of cafe that has the umbrellas on the tables...watching people speed by on their Vespas. Holding hands with Brian, just wandering aimlessly through the streets, sightseeing. When that fell through, he'd settled for Vermont. Snowboarding with Brian down the slopes at Sugarbush...being the best looking and best dressed couple there. Making love in front of a fire, drinking wine, relaxing, eating quiet, romantic dinners or room service. Room service would probably be more like it...too tired to leave the room. Sleeping late and relishing their first trip away together. Vermont had fallen through as well. Fate had let Justin know that he would never be taking relaxing and fun filled trips, laced with romance, with Brian Kinney. So, Italy it was...but with Ethan. Justin's insides were knotting and he had a fitful night of sleep.
Brian stayed at the hospital most of the day, conferring with doctors on his mother's condition. He called Claire around 5pm and told her he would be going, but would be back later that night or early morning. He had to work; he was partner. He went to the diner and had coffee.
Deb had expressed her remorse, hearing about Joanie from Michael, ever the blabbermouth. He let her give him sympathy, maybe this time it was warranted. Nothing to utter on the deathbed this go round. He was clean of all his sins to his mother, just as he had been to his father. They both knew their son but chose to blind an eye to his indiscretions and blind their hearts to him as well. He didn't need it anyways. He'd gotten along just fine all these years without love, so why now? Why Justin.
Many nights Brian tossed and turned and wondered. Playing the 'what if' game. What if he'd gone after Justin to Vermont? Would he be lying next to me now? What if I bought those stupid fucking roses? Would he be snoring next to me? Would I be watching him sleep right now? Would I be inside him, right now? His no apologies, no regrets mantra couldn't rock him to sleep these days.
The next morning Justin went to have breakfast with his mother and she filled him in on the situation with Joanie. He was completely shaken. He knew how much Brian loved his mother and how she turned her back on him. He wanted to be there for Brian. That is what that phone call meant. Brian had needed me. Justin cursed himself for not calling back. But, he knew that maybe it was the right thing at the time. Michael had swooped in to comfort Brian. Always at his side. Brian had needed Justin, not Michael. After finishing up breakfast, Justin asked Jennifer why she told him, because no one else was going to.
"I know that you still care for Brian. I remember you telling me about meeting his mother. I just thought you would like to know, that's all honey," Jennifer replied. She knew that she didn't tell Justin everything she wanted to. That Brian would need him now, more than ever. She also knew that Justin really wanted to be there for him.
They exchanged a little more small talk, she inquired about Ethan. Justin told her of his plans to go to Italy, but was unsure about it. A lot to think about with school and work and now that Brian might need him, he didn't know if he should go.
"Are you in love with Ethan, Justin?" Jennifer asked for the first time.
"I care very much for him Mom. He's kind, he's romantic and he talks to me. I need that, I need to be wanted and appreciated by my boyfriend, Mom," Justin replied. Jennifer didn't know if he was trying to convince her or himself.
"You deserve it too, Justin. He seems nice. Maybe a little controlling, but I guess I was used to Brian. He seemed to let you do whatever you wanted to do," Jennifer said.
"Yeah, Ethan tells me I'm his muse. He can't play or write without me. He controls a little, but maybe I need that. Need to be reeled in when I get too far out," Justin responded, not smiling. He doesn't like to let me out of his sight. Sometimes he blames me for missing a goddamn note!
"I think he can play without you, sweetie. You are young, you're supposed to be able to bob around in the waves a little, believe me, I have learned that," she smiled. "Can I ask you a question Justin?" Jennifer asked, hesitantly.
"Sure Mom," he smiled.
"Do you think that you and Brian will ever work things out? I mean, do you still love Brian?" she asked.
"I will always be in love with Brian. Brian wasn't in love with me. There's a difference," Justin replied quietly. How many nights have I lie awake asking myself that same question...
Jennifer nodded her head and reached out to grab her son's hand. She did know there was a difference; she heard it when she asked Justin if he was in love with Ethan.
They gathered their belongings and went their separate ways. Justin found himself going to the hospital. As he wound the corner to Joanie's room, he saw Michael and Brian sitting there. He crept back around the corner, not wanting to be seen. If Brian would have been alone, he would have continued, but not with Michael there. He could tell they were talking and laughing and then he saw something that made him sick to his stomach. He saw Michael reach over and bring Brian's lips to his own. They kissed. It wasn't altogether passionate, but it was a lingering kiss. He saw Brian's hand run through Michael's hair and his other grip Michael's back. He stood there for a second...he couldn't move. They didn't see him and he backed down the hallway.
I can't believe it. The one thing I was sure would never happen. Brian's hand is in Michael's hair, gripping his body so tightly. God, his eyes are closed! Why is Brian kissing Michael? That kiss is too intimate. That was the kind of kiss Brian saved for me. Michael? What about Ben? What the fuck is going on? No wonder Michael won't discuss Brian with me. He has him now...That was quick. I guess Michael didn't wait too long. Brian just went on...and with Michael! Justin's stomach flipped and he backed down the hallway, running to find the nearest bathroom. He threw himself in and locked the door. He tried to splash some cold water on his face. He leaned against the sink, gripping it in his hands. Suddenly his mouth began to water and he lost it. Justin cleaned himself up and left the hospital quickly.
Breaking the kiss, Brian looked up at Michael and said, "Sorry Michael."
"For what? You looked like you needed it and you feel like you need it too," Michael replied smiling and then reaching to grab Brian's crotch.
"What the fuck are you doing Michael?" Brian spat and removed Michael's hand.
"Brian...you need me. You enjoyed that kiss just as much as I did. You can't tell me you didn't," Michael replied, willingly.
"Don't mistake exhaustion and early morning horniness for a moment between us Michael," Brian replied and stood up. What the fuck was that? Not this again. He tries to take advantage of me too much. When I am weak, he is like a vulture.
Getting up to follow Brian, Michael grabbed onto his arm, "It's time you opened your eyes Brian. I am here; I won't leave you. I have always been here. I love you."
"My eyes are open Michael. I love you too, but not the way you want me to. What the fuck are you doing here anyways? I thought I told you I didn't want you hanging around here. She's my burden, not yours," Brian replied and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.
"You just need time Brian. And I am here. It's time you let go of your past...let go of Justin," Michael responded defiantly.
"I've got nothing but time Michael. You're always here, too much if you ask me. My past with Justin is mine and none of your business. The other part, you are wrapped into as well. Don't make me let go of you," Brian huffed and walked out to smoke one of many cigarettes.
Michael watched Brian walk away and then gathered his jacket and went to his shop. Justin had made his way to the shop as well and planned on finding out exactly what was going on between Michael and Brian. His stomach and throat burned with the bad aftertaste of the bile and that kiss. If Justin weren’t so taken aback by witnessing that kiss, he would have known better. But, he inevitably got Michael's skewed version of the turn of events.
Justin busied himself as Michael walked in. He saw Justin and a grin spread over his face. Justin noticed the grin and swore under his breath...a muffled 'cocksucker' escaped.
"How is Brian," Justin asked defiantly.
Looking shocked that Justin knew now, Michael responded quickly, "He's fine. I am taking care of him."
"Yeah, I bet you are. What about Ben, Michael? I seem to remember that you were quite in love with him not too long ago?" Justin dared.
"Things happen, right Justin? You were SO in love with Brian and now look at you? How's Ethan?" Michael retorted.
"So, what...it's over between you and Ben?" Justin replied, not looking at Michael. That was a good comeback, even for Michael.
"Not that it is any of your business, but Ben and I broke up. We are staying friends. I have other things to concentrate on now," Michael smiled.
Shuddering at the thought of Brian and Michael again, Justin resolved to keep up a strong front. "Friends? Poor Ben."
They stared each other down a few seconds more and then went about their work.
"I need to take some time off Michael," Justin spoke up.
"Why?" Michael asked.
"I am going to Italy...with Ethan. He is going on tour and asked me to go," Justin replied, quietly. Now, he was certain that he needed to get away from Pittsburgh. He couldn't stomach all this. He needed a vacation. He needed to feel loved and get his head on straight. Too good an opportunity to pass up, if for nothing than to never witness a kiss like that again.
"Well, the summer issue is coming up, so I don't see a problem after that. When would you need to leave?" Michael replied. His heart was beating fast. No Justin...no conflict of interest for Brian and me.
"Next week. I have my illustrations done already for the issue. So, that clears it up. I will be gone for six months, so in the interim, you can look for a new illustrator," Justin replied. No way was he just taking a vacation. After this week, he was gone. The partnership will be dissolved, no matter what Brian wanted.
"Fine. Have a good time. Maybe you can drop us a postcard...send it to the loft," Michael spat.
Hearing that, Justin threw his marker at Michael
Justin went home to his mother's for dinner and tried not to think about anything at all. Ethan was calling, asking about passports, traveler's checks. Justin didn't call him back; he didn't want to deal with anything right now.
"What's the matter honey?" Jennifer asked over pot roast.
"I don't want to talk about it Mom," Justin replied, stuffing a potato in his mouth in objection.
"Did you go see Brian today?" Jennifer questioned.
Justin rolled his eyes at her defiance of his request. "I saw him and then some," Justin spat.
"Did you talk? What happened? Is Mrs. Kinney getting better?" Jennifer asked.
"We didn't talk. His tongue was down Michael's throat. I didn't get an update on Joanie. And before you start again, I don't want to talk about it," Justin relayed.
Jennifer sat there for a moment and then took a drink of her wine. "I hardly think that Brian and Michael are together now, if that is what you're saying Justin."
"Well, you didn't see them. I did," Justin returned.
"You may be making something more out of it than it is honey," Jennifer replied.
"Well, Michael told me that he and Ben broke up. That he is taking care of more pressing matters...meaning Brian. God, the thought makes me want to puke Mom," Justin said, throwing his fork to his plate.
"Honey...calm down and go home to Ethan. Relax; don't think about it. Sorry I made you talk about it. But really honey, I doubt very seriously that Brian and Michael are now a couple," Jennifer replied and got up from the table. She watched Justin rub his eyes, watched him stare at his plate. She felt sorry for him. She knew he was as confused as ever, but she relied on Justin to see things for what they really were. She would be shocked if those two had taken up. From what Debbie had told her, Michael had always pined for Brian. Brian never returned the feelings, not those kinds of feelings.
Justin decided to stay the night at his mother's house. He needed to be alone. He lay on the couch and thought about what his mother had said and then about what little Brian had told him about Michael. He knew that Brian loved Michael very much as his friend, but that was as far as it would ever go. But he'd also heard a drunken Brian telling him that if all else failed, when he'd given up...maybe he and Michael would try it out, many years later as a couple of queens in Florida. Still, he was torn about all this. He couldn't get over that kiss. He would try one more time before he left. If for nothing but to give Brian his best wishes about his mother. He did want Brian to know that he still cared about him and what happened to him.
Justin would never stop feeling that way towards Brian and that was his road in life.
The next few days were a blur to Brian. Between shuttling back and forth to the hospital and work, he was dead tired. At least this turn of events had lifted his mind off of Justin somewhat. He was miffed, to say the least, that Justin didn't come by to see Joanie, or him. Brian thought that very unlike Justin. No matter what had transpired between them, Justin had always been a strong advocate for parental diplomacy, even Brian's.
Justin had busied himself these past days with clearing school and picking up a passport. He'd had to pay extra to expedite it, Jennifer loaning him the extra money. He did have money saved from Rage and it would continue to come in, but he didn't want to be frivolous yet. He only had to clear himself of three weeks of classes before Summer Session and then dropped those classes he signed up for. Since he was going to Italy, he would be able to stay fresh...learning from the masters.
Justin had also let what Jennifer said about Michael and Brian sink in. He'd come to the conclusion that no matter what, Brian would not suddenly take up with Michael. It wasn't in the cards...never would be in the cards. It hurt him to think that Brian might actually have a deeper feeling of love for Michael though. Maybe one that was below the surface, waiting to bubble up. No, that's not possible. Maybe Mercury is back in retrograde, but not even that could bring those two in a relationship. He planned to go see Brian before the flight Friday.
Brian and Joanie had been civil to each other as she started recovering these last few days. She was recovering nicely and would be out by Saturday.
"Where's you boy?" Joanie said as she lined her lips with the deep crimson lipstick. Evidently she wanted to look presentable for the doctors and nursing staff.
"That's a bad color Mother. You should go with something, uh, less severe," Brian deadpanned.
Sighing and waving him off, she asked again, "So, you're boyfriend...how is...how is the child doing?"
"I wouldn't know. He's not a child mother," Brian replied, flipping through a magazine.
"What do you mean you wouldn't know?" Joanie asked.
"I mean, he left me. End of discussion Mother. You didn't care then, you don't now. Is this an excuse to rage hell, fire and brimstone on me? I haven't healed from the last time, so take it easy," Brian replied, not looking at her.
"Why did he leave you," Joanie asked, genuinely curious.
Brian shot her a look that said 'drop it', but she continued to stare daggers into him. "I was shitty to him, okay? The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, right?"
Joanie paused and thought of what to say. She picked up the mirror again and smoothed her hair down in the back. "What about the Novotny boy? He seems to be lurking around here a lot."
"Michael is concerned about me. Not you...don't worry," Brian retorted.
"Why be concerned with you? I am the one practically lying in state here," Joanie rasped.
"Don't flatter yourself Mother...lying in state...you wish," Brian smirked. "I am sure you expect a beatification, once you pass huh?"
Joanie admonished Brian for his blasphemous ramblings. She knew her son seemed to be in some sort of pain.
"Why were you so unpleasant with the boy? Brian? Look at your Mother," Joanie drilled, again.
"I'm not 12 anymore Joanie, save it. I couldn't give him what he wanted," Brian winced.
"What was that?" Joanie asked.
"Too many things. Love, commitment, kindness, the last goddamn Evian...you name it, I probably didn't do it," Brian replied quietly.
"Do you love him Brian?" Joanie asked, reaching out to touch her son...some tenderness, something.
"Do you care? Why does everyone want to know that? Why does that fucking word mean everything?" Brian said, shifting in his hard, plastic chair. What about lying awake holding someone? What about chasing demons away? What about just admiring the beauty of one another? Simple kisses, caresses...listening to a heartbeat? No sir...fuck that! Because it doesn't have the word 'love' shoved up in it, it means nothing!
"Watch your mouth Brian Jackson Kinney! Do you? Answer me?" Joanie sighed. Just like your father, such harsh words. You are the only good thing to come from that vile man, Brian.
"Yes...I FUCKING do. Are you happy now Mother? Care to flick some holy water at me now? Jesus!" Brian shot up out of his chair. God, I bet she flat lines right now! Maybe I should call the doctor just in case...all she needs is more stress.
Not thinking it worthy to admonish him again for his filthy mouth, Joanie just watched her son pace the floor of her painfully, drab room.
"Why not get him back? Surely you can charm the boy...you must have done something right to...have him stay with you," Joanie spoke.
"He doesn't want me anymore," Brian said, grabbing his temple and looking at his watch.
"Well, give up then. You're probably not good for him anyways. Too much of your father in you. You can't settle down anymore than he could. Don't waste your time. Like I've always told you, don't chase after anyone Brian." Joanie said. "Now Brian go on, my dinner's coming soon and I want to watch some TV. Leave me be."
"Claire will be here later, so...be sure and ask for some extra pain medication. I am sure you'll need it, I know I do," Brian smirked and out he went.
He left the hospital and went home. He thought about what his mother said. Actually listening and maybe taking advice from his mother mortified Brian. Maybe the old bitch knows what she's talking about after all, she must have had to use the reverse psychology on herself to stomach the years with Jack.
Brian went to Babylon that night and tried to drown himself in liquor, drugs and dick. He was totally wasted. Of course, Michael drove him home. He listened as Brian basically poured his heart out over Justin. Singing some lame ass song, "Save the Last Dance", talking about buying roses. Cursing Ethan Gold's name and how he took Justin away with picnics on the floor, shitty violin music and promises of love infinite. "It's all BULLSHIT!”; "No one loves him as much as I do...not even his FUCKING father, that prick!" Michael had to pull over so Brian could be sick. If Michael ever doubted Brian's love for Justin, it was affirmed in the harshest way. The liquor wasn't the problem. He cared so much for Justin, he got violently ill.
As Michael put Brian to bed, he watched how Brian lay in the middle of his bed, clutching the right side's pillow.
The next morning Brian met Michael at the diner for breakfast. There was no talk of the previous night; they both looked the worse for wear.
"How's your mom doing?" Michael asked.
"Getting better, unfortunately," Brian replied, taking a drink of coffee.
"Well, that's good. Hey, want to go out tonight?" Michael replied.
"Ah, I've got something to do Michael. Maybe some other time," Brian responded.
"What?" Michael asked.
"Something...it's personal okay?" Brian replied, not looking at Michael. Jesus Michael...
"Too personal that you can't tell me? I'm you're best friend Brian!" Michael whined.
"Yes, I know that Mikey. Everyone knows it. It's just something I have to do, back off," Brian replied.
"Are you going to go see Justin?" Michael asked. Please, please say no.
Brian shot him an angry glare and picked up his newspaper, threw some money on the table and left. He wasn't going to see Justin that evening...he was working out his game plan. His 'go fucking get him' plan. Brian thought of all the things he would say to Justin, hoping the boy would hear him out. He'd wasted too much fucking time on feeling sorry for himself and ruminating about love and its correlation to bullshit. Brian wanted Justin back and he wanted him back now.
As Michael sat there a few more minutes, he saw Justin come in. Talk about missing each other by minutes. Justin wanted to ask Debbie about Brian and his mother.
Michael listened to the conversation and mumbled as he heard Deb tell him everything. He also heard her tell him that maybe he should go see Brian. Justin said he would and thanked her. Deb went off to wait on some tables, telling Justin not to be such a stranger this summer.
"He's at work and tonight we are going to Babylon. He won't be home until late. So, don't bother," Michael said, coming to the counter to pay the check.
"I'll just call him then," Justin replied defiantly.
"Look, if you must know. I told him you asked about him and his mother. He doesn't want to see you. He told me to tell you that he doesn't need your fucking pity. Said you and Ethan deserved each other, you're both users. You're all better now; he was getting ready to ask you to leave anyways. He told me that you were a great fuck, but guys like you are a dime a dozen," Michael retorted.
Justin stood there and had tears in his eyes. He couldn't think of anything to say. He was devastated. Justin was torn apart by Michael's words...Brian's words. Had he really just thought of him as a great fuck? Brian had told him that, all the time, but it didn't come across the same way. Brian thinks I am a user? I never asked him for a fucking thing. He came and got me, both times! He left and went home to pack. He also wrote Brian a goodbye letter.
Brian,
I don't really know why I am writing this. Michael told me that you two were together, now. I am happy for you, I guess. I know that Michael is good for you...he loves you. Maybe he loves you as much as I do...I hope so, you need that. I guess I always knew that you and he would end up together. And, when I saw the two of you kiss at the hospital, I should have known. It's for the best really. You two know each other so well; have such a history. It's only logical that it happens sooner or later. I want you to know, that I never had any intention of using you, for anything. I am sorry that it came across that way. I never asked you for much...just your love. I can't explain why I'm with Ethan now. I know I still love you; I never stopped. I guess you and me just weren't meant to be. I know you tried, I know how hard you tried. I tried too. I wanted too much, I know that now. I let myself get caught up in trying to make you into something you weren't, for my own selfish reasons. I guess we failed each other. I am going away for a while, so, I won't bother you anymore. I wasn't trying to give you pity. I sincerely was concerned about your mother, and I wish her a great recovery. It is good that Michael is there for you, I know how much you love her...no matter how much you deny it.
Well, I wish you the best Brian. Maybe someday you and I could become friends again, I would like that. But, I will stay away, as you wish.
Love Always,
Justin
He dropped the letter in the mail. He packed the rest of the night and made phone calls to his mother and Daphne. He looked forward to Italy. To the new beginnings with Ethan. Now, he let go of the past, and looked toward the future. That night he and Ethan made love and a new leash on life began for Justin. He finally let go of Brian Kinney.
The next morning, Ethan and Justin hurriedly took care of last minute things, rising at the crack of dawn. They barely made their 8am flight from Philadelphia International to Malpensa Airport in Milan; parts unknown to them. Six months in Italy. Ethan was moving up in the world and Justin was going with him. He would miss Pittsburgh. He would miss it all.
Brian came into the store around 830am, hoping to catch Justin bright and early. His thoughts were fresh, his approach clear and his sale's pitch was infallible. The shark was there to win the client over. Seeing Brian come in, Michael smiled at him.
"Hey, what a surprise. Nothing's wrong with your mom right?" Michael asked.
"No, she's alright. Where's Justin?" Brian asked, looking around.
"He's not here," Michael replied and looked back down at his comics.
"Well, what time does he come in?" Brian asked.
"He doesn't...not anymore. He quit," Michael replied.
"He quit? What the fuck? Well, where is he now? Do you even know?" Brian huffed, looking at Michael incredulously.
"I would think he is somewhere over an ocean right now, can't remember which. Why do you care?" Michael huffed back.
"Michael, what the fuck are you talking about? Where is Justin?" Brian said, leaning into the counter. He watched as Michael ignored him. He ripped the comic book out of Michael's hands.
"He's gone Brian. He went to Italy with Ethan. He quit here and just left. He flew out today," Michael replied, monotone.
Brian just backed out of the store. He couldn't fucking believe this! Justin just up and fucking left? Why didn't Mikey tell me? Maybe Justin didn't want me to know. He never even came by to see me. He never asked about me...he's fucking gone?
The next two days were a blur of debauchery even too much for Brian Kinney. He drank until he passed out. He did too much coke, too much ecstasy, too much of everything and he never even left the loft. He called in sick both days, for the first time in months.
He finally cleaned himself up, tired of wallowing in self-pity. He showered and went out to get something to eat, checking the mail as he went. Coming back with greasy takeout, he threw the mail on the counter. Fixed himself a plate and then brought the mail with him to the couch. He ran through the envelopes and saw the letter from Justin. He didn't want to open it. He had nothing left to throw up in his system. Fuck it...what's one more hit to the heart. Maybe this one will send me into the hospital. Probably put me in a room with my mother. Shoot me now.
After he finished reading the letter, he calmly got up and went to his bedroom. Brian flung his suitcases out and started packing. He would purchase a ticket at the counter. He called Lindsey and told her he was going on a trip and would call as soon as he checked in to whatever hotel he was staying at. Brian told her where he was going and why, but swore her to secrecy. He made phone calls to Vance and Cynthia, letting them know he would be on emergency leave and out of the country; Brian truly didn't know how long he would be gone, but would be taking his laptop, so email could be received. He then phoned Jennifer and found out Justin's whereabouts for the first leg of Ethan's tour. She was surprisingly forthcoming with the information and told Brian not to hurt Justin again. Then he made the bothersome call to Claire and informed her he was called away on business. That call lasted 29 minutes longer than he'd hoped. Trading barbs and trying to deflect the many 'SELFISH BASTARD!' labels being thrown, wore him down.
Brian made one more phone call and poured himself a drink, as well as one for his guest and waited.
Hearing the knock at the door twenty minutes later, Brian welcomed his guest in.
Michael was gestured over to the couch and handed a drink. He sat down, a big smile on his face, but then he noticed the luggage by the chaise. He waited for Brian to tell him whatever it was that he found so urgent.
"So, Michael...we're together now?"