Looking to Brian and then to Ethan, Justin closed his eyes, took a deep breath and turned away from Brian. He reached out his hand to his new lover and they exited the club. Brian just stood there, staring after him, willing him to turn back around to him- to stop, tell Ethan ‘sorry, I can’t do it- I love Brian’. Moving to turn, he stopped and stood there with his back to the door, silently counting to 50...figuring he would be back before he even reached 30- 40, tops. As it drew near the end, 47...48...49...Brian clenched his fists, and 50... turned to the door, fully expecting Justin to be there, standing in front of him. He wasn’t. He was gone.
Scratching the back of his neck then rubbing his temple, he moved to the bar. He needed a drink...many drinks. Michael moved to him, already noticing the pain in his best friend’s eyes. He told Brian about what he saw between Ethan and Justin, now he fully regretted it. He had only seen Brian upset like this a few times in their lives and they mostly had to do with his father. But in this past year, Justin had affected him so deeply, that Brian was helpless. The bashing and now.
“Brian...Brian? Hey, listen, let’s get out of here and go get something to eat or go somewhere else,” Michael said to him, grabbing his arm.
“I’m not fucking hungry...I’m horny. Leave...don’t let me stop you,” Brian responded as he tried to move away, not looking at Michael.
“I’m not ready to leave, I was just saying, you know, if you wanted to, we could...” Michael said, being cut off in mid sentence.
“Look Michael, I don’t need a fucking babysitter! I’m fine, it’s time he left anyways. I was getting sick of his shit. He finally found a twink, like I told him to,” Brian said, turning to Michael.
“Okay, okay Brian. How wrong of me to want to comfort you when I thought you might need it, but I forgot who I was talking to for a minute- Brian Kinney- doesn’t give a fuck,” Michael said, standing his ground.
“Why don’t you get the fuck out of here and stay out of it Michael? This doesn’t concern you- it doesn’t even concern me. It’s nothing, so, just leave me alone,” Brian said, putting his beer down on the counter and walking off.
Brian moved up the steps, away from Michael, away from all of it. So, he’s gone, why should I fucking care? I’ve been trying to drive him from me for months...finally he left. He finally got the message. I can go back to normal...my normal. I don’t love him, I love fucking him, but, I don’t do love. I told him what this was all about when it started. I need a beer. No, I need something stronger, definitely stronger. What the fuck is love anyways? Love is for weaklings and losers. I think I’m gonna be sick...Jesus fucking Christ.
Walking down the steps to the club, Justin was wishing to himself that Brian would come after him, grab his arm, jerk him back and then they would have a tug of war. The only kind of war going on, was in his heart. As they turned down Liberty to try and catch a taxi to Ethan’s apartment, which was in midtown, Ethan draped his arm around Justin and smiled. “You made the right decision Justin. I am going to make you so happy,“ Ethan whispered in his ear.
As they stood waiting Justin was silent. ‘The right decision? Make me happy?’ What the hell just happened? It all happened so fast. I went to find Brian to tell him that I wanted him not Ethan. Only he was in the backroom, fucking that guy. Did I expect to find him anywhere else? And, to top it off, wanting me to join in? Jesus Brian, how fucking heartless could you be? The look in his eyes, the smirk on his face, so fucking sure I would come to him. Just join in and be his little lap dog. Walking away, I was so blinded by my hatred for him, my hatred for my heart, for loving him...it’s nothing but pain. I just wanted to get out of there and go back to the loft, get away from him and think. Then Ethan was there and he told me he loved me. He told me what I have been begging inside for you to tell me for 2 years...why couldn’t it have been you Brian?
“Taxi! Okay, here we go Justin. I can’t wait to get you home. A whole new life ahead of us, God Justin, I love you so much. I swear on my violin, that I will love you forever. I will never hurt you Justin. I have wanted you since I first saw you...now you are finally mine,” Ethan said, leaning in to kiss him.
“Yeah, let’s go,” Justin said, turning into the kiss. Before they got in the taxi, he made one final sweep of the avenue, just in case.
Turning over, Justin moved to the person next to him, and molded himself to his back. Moaning into the back of the person, brushing his lips over the shoulder blades and running his hand down the back. He reached up to run his fingers through the hair of the man next to him, the thoughts of the chestnut hair. He loved to run his fingers through Brian’s soft hair and rub his hands down the nape of his neck. Playing with the strands of hair, twirling it in his fingers, it felt unfamiliar. Opening his eyes, trying to figure out what was going on....he saw the jet black hair, not chestnut. It was all coming back to him. Pulling back, he moved over to the edge of the bed and just stared at the form in front of him and studied it.
His eyes moved across the body in front of him, denoting the differences between the two men and there were many. Trying to compare the two is unthinkable. They are so completely different from each other. Nothing even remotely similar between the two.
Justin could look at Brian for hours if he’d have let him. And he knew Brian watched him as well. The eyes...swirls of hazel he found himself drowning in so many thousands of times. He would notice love in them fleetingly and torment always. They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul and Justin knew that Brian’s soul had been vacant for years. The strong shoulders that he had gripped so tight, the strong back that arched and molded itself to his own body, the long legs draped over him in sleep. The arms. The arms that held him so tight. The hands that searched for his body during the night, the hands that held his face, the hands that gripped his cock.
His lips, the lips that drank him in. The soft lips that would brush up against his ear, emitting such sweet sounds to him. Calling his name at night during sleep. The tongue. Brian’s tongue sweeping inside his mouth, licking his lips, licking trails down his stomach. The tongue that would lick and suck his cock.
Outside of the sexual pull Brian had on Justin, there was so much more. Brian pushed Justin to be the best at everything. He strove to be the best...to be like Brian. He challenged him mentally, as Brian was very intelligent. His witty repertoire, quick comebacks, eloquent speech, refined couthe...Justin wanted to be just like him...smart, beautiful, succesful. He knew Brian fought to get out of the blue collar-ness of Pittsburgh. He went to college on a scholarship, but it seemed that things came so easily to him. He knew Brian had always been a good student, even in junior high and high school. He had overheard Michael mention Brian’s astuteness many times. That and the fact that he often copied Brian’s homework...without that, Michael would have struggled or possibly not even passed.
Justin couldn’t do it anymore. He wouldn’t do it anymore. Thinking of Brian when he was here lying with Ethan was wrong. He can finally be happy now. Ethan loves me. He wants me, wants me to be happy. I want to be happy. I want to do things together, plan for our future, I want to be first in his life, I want to make love every night and hear him say my name, telling me how he’d die without me, couldn’t make it without me. I want Brian.
Easing himself out of the bed, he walked around to the bathroom. Usually he and Brian would lay around, blow each other, fuck a couple of times and then shower together...saving water, whatever. Just an excuse not to part. After which, they would both proceed with their days. He glanced back at Ethan who turned to his side, reaching across the bed for the form that was no longer there. Thinking he should go to him, to kiss him awake, he decided to get his clothes and go.
“Where are you going Justin? Come back to bed, I thought we were going to hang out today,“ Ethan said, raising up.
“Uh, I forgot I had to work today. Sorry. Look, I will call you later Ethan, okay?” Justin said, pulling his shirt over his head.
“Don’t I get a kiss goodbye? You are coming back here later right?” Ethan asked, reaching out to Justin.
Thinking to himself not to blow this, Justin moved over to the bed and sat down next to Ethan. “Of course you get a kiss,“ he said, leaning down to kiss him. “And...about coming back here tonight, I don’t know. I can’t just move in here right now. All my stuff is at Brian’s, there are things he and I need to work out.”
“Well, I want your things out of there as soon as possible. Look, we can go over there after your shift and get them,” Ethan said, sitting up, holding Justin’s hand firmly.
“It’s not that simple Ethan. That wouldn’t make Brian too happy either. I don’t think he likes you very much,” Justin said, pulling away. He certainly wouldn’t allow Ethan to come to Brian’s loft to gather his things, Ethan had no business there.
“I really don’t care what the Great Brian Kinney thinks. I thought that was the whole point...is he ever happy? Well, good for me, because now I have you all to myself. That selfish bastard. Don’t see him or talk to him Justin, maybe you should just get that lady Debbie or Michael to get your things. No telling what he will do to you,” Ethan huffed.
Turning to face Ethan, angered that he would say that about Brian, he didn’t even know him. He was regretting what all he had told him about Brian, but he had no place to talk about him. “Ethan, just lay off. You got what you wanted, right? And Brian would never hurt me, how could you even say that?”
“Justin, he hurt you for two years, remember?” Ethan responded, moving to pull Justin to him.
Justin backed away, just staring at Ethan for a minute and then turned. Next thing Ethan heard was the front door slamming.
Walking into the diner Saturday morning, Brian was hung over. From the alcohol and drugs? Probably, probably not. He couldn’t shake the nausea and he knew why. Joining Emmett and Ted in the booth, he searched the room for Justin. He saw him behind the counter. Looking back to the men, he just shook his head and said, “Hello boys, what’s new?”
Emmett and Ted looked to Brian, then to each other. They both gave each other the ‘are you going to say something?’ and the ‘I’m not gonna say it’ looks.
“Have I died and gone to heaven, you boys are finally mute? Must be my lucky day!” Brian tried to smile, signaling for Debbie to bring him coffee.
Feeling like it was his duty, Ted stepped up. “Brian, how’s it going? Me and Emmett are going to the gym today, want to go with us?”
“Not really, but we always go to the gym on Saturday, why is today different?” Brian asked, pulling his menu down.
“Well, honey, we just figured that since you know, what happened last night, you might not want to be alone and we are here for you...“ Emmett said.
“Mom was right, no need to wait until death, I’m already in hell,” Brian said and looked around, anywhere but at the two men in front of him. He felt like he was going to explode. He looked back to the counter and saw Justin staring at him. He rolled his eyes and looked away.
“What happened? And if something ever happens that is that bad, that I need the two of you, please just fucking shoot me. Christ Deb! I said coffee...now!” Brian growing tired of this little moment- grit his teeth and rolled his eyes. He knew he should have stayed in bed.
“Look , uh, Twiddle Dee and Twiddle Dumb- I’ll let you two guess who is who. I came here to eat, not to fucking be psychoanalyzed by you two. So, do me a favor for once and shut... the... fuck... up,” and he brought his menu back up.
“Justin, get your boyfriend his fucking coffee, would you? I can’t listen to his shit right now. Christ, what is his fucking problem?” Debbie said to Justin.
“Uh, can you do it Deb? He is a little pissed at me,“ Justin replied, not wanting to go into it with Debbie at that moment.
“Bullshit, I don’t give a shit if he is pissed at you or not, work it out later. Right now, get him his coffee before I kill him!” and she walked away.
Biting his lip and looking at the table and then back to Debbie, Justin grabbed the coffee pot and a cup and brought it over to the table. Wishing that he was anywhere but here right now.
“Here you go...sorry about that. Do you want something to eat?”Justin asked as he poured his coffee.
“I want a banana-nut muffin and a fruit plate...now,“ Brian responded, not looking at him.
“Sure, no problem,“ Justin said and walked away. He couldn’t do this right now. He needed to go to the bathroom and compose himself, flash cold water over his face or something.
Brian had lost his appetite, what little of an appetite he’d had. He made himself come in this morning. He knew Justin would be there and he wasn’t going to become a hermit now. If he didn’t show up, it would tell Justin that he had gotten to him. But actually seeing Justin and having to listen to Ted and Emmett was more than he could bear. He got up and walked out.
Emmett and Ted just sat there staring after him.
As he walked back to the counter, replacing the coffee pot , he turned to go to the men’s room, but saw Brian leave. Once inside he leaned over the sink and turned the faucet on. Waiting for the water to get cold, he just looked at himself in the mirror. What have I done? God, this fucking sucks...my friends are his friends. I can’t even handle talking to him, he must hate me and now he left. He can’t stand to even look at me. How am I supposed to handle all this now? Will the guys hate me...will they even want to be friends with me still? I don’t think that I would have known them outside of Brian. All I had yesterday is now gone. In that split second, I changed everything. I have lost my lover, my mentor...and my best friend.
“Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with him?” Debbie asked, coming back to the booth to ask about Brian.
Looking up to Deb Emmett said, a little teary eyed, “Justin left him last night. It’s over. He’s with Ethan now.”
“Brian finally got his wish and drove the kid away. You should have seen it. After Justin walked out Brian just grabbed the first guy he saw and yanked him into the back room,” Ted said, and just sighed.
“They broke up? Are you shitting me? He told me that he loved Brian and that Ethan kid was history. Justin said he felt horrible about it and was going to find Brian last night to tell him,” Debbie said, sitting down. She could only imagine what Brian was going through. Thinking back to the night she made him admit he loved Justin, she could see the torment in his eyes.
“Well, things didn’t exactly turn out like he planned, I guess. None of it did. God, I feel so sorry for Brian,” Emmett said.
“Brian? What about Justin? That poor kid has put up with so much shit for Brian. And Brian has repeatedly fucked him over, and under, and backwards!” Ted exclaimed, shocked that Emmett was taking his side.
“Teddy, I know Justin put up with alot. But I know Brian loved him, he loves him. You cannot deny that. He did everything he could for him except say those words. And he did alot Teddy. He pays for Justin’s school, encouraged him to continue his art after the accident...which, no one but Brian could do. So, don’t just think that all it was was non-stop fucking. There was alot more,” Emmett shot back.
“I need to talk to Justin. Justin, get your ass over here!” Debbie yelled.
“I actually like Ethan. Complete opposite of Brian- nice and kind to others. And, he seems to really care for Justin. I have heard him play and it’s beautiful. He lives in midtown, a real nice apartment too,” Ted said.
Brian had come home from the diner and immediately turned the ringer off on the cordless and his mobile. He didn’t want any disturbances. He moved to the kitchen and searched the cabinets, choosing tequila for his meal. Not good for already being nauseated, but he felt the need to punish himself. He didn’t bother to get a shot glass, preferring to drink from the bottle, and he moved to the chaise.
Sitting there alone, his mind wandered. It was if a complete flashback of the last two years swirled above his head. The first night they met had sealed his fate. Wishing that the guy who blew him would have been better, so he wouldn’t have turned tail and left Babylon to meet the boys waiting outside for him. Fucking Ted, wanting to leave early. All of this bullshit could have been avoided by a matter of 10-15 minutes. Bringing the bottle to his lips, the acrid taste of the tequila and the smell, his nausea started again and his mouth began to water. Taking a deep breath, tipping the bottle, he drank in the liquid. Wincing and feeling the burn in his throat , he laid his head back and closed his eyes, willing sleep to come. Last night was horrible, he couldn’t sleep. He lie awake staring at the empty spot next to him in their bed.
As he sat and the thoughts overtook him, he mused lovingly and longingly on all that was Justin. He loved having Justin waiting for him at home. No matter what he did...Justin had always been there. He seriously enjoyed talking with him. As Justin was very intelligent, it kept Brian on his toes. He thought himself no slouch in that department, but nevertheless...Justin challenged him. Whether it was helping him with school work...which, in reality Justin didn’t need the help, possibly just humoring him, or giving feedback on his artwork, Brian appreciated Justin’s need for his approval. It was nice to talk to someone up on current events, concerned with the world and political views. To have to listen to the constant dribble about the latest fad, the newest Captain Astro comic (which, thank God he is finally gone...) or the amount of hits on a website, killed Brian. To have someone know what you are talking about when you reference some obscure 18th century writer or be able to quote Walt Whitman, or even talk for hours about Degas, Bouguereau, Matisse, whoever...it was captivating. Listening to him wax and wane stimulated Brian. I will miss that most of all.
A hour or so later Justin left the diner. Walking up the stairs, he paused at the door in front of him. Dreading opening the door and having to close it again, knowing it would be the last time he would ever be here. He never thought this would be happening. Justin entered the code and slid the loft door open. He knew Brian wouldn’t be there. They always went to the gym after breakfast on Saturdays, depending on what time they actually made it out of the bed. Wanting to gather his essentials and come back later to pack everything up, he was thankful of Brian’s absence because he didn’t want a confrontation. He also didn’t want to know that it didn’t matter to Brian. When he came out of the restroom, he calmly walked over to inquire about Brian and his absence. Emmett told him that he just went to get his clothes for the gym. He didn’t want to make the matter worse.
Moving into the loft, he put his bag down on the counter. He stood there frozen for a couple of seconds and then moved over to the couch. He didn’t notice Brian in the corner on the chaise. Hearing the knock and then the door slide open, Brian figured it was Michael coming to check on him. He would rather have been burned alive than have to listen to Michael chastise him...telling him that he fucked up...telling him it’s not too late. Then he saw him. At first he thought he was dreaming, Justin was standing there at the counter. He watched him as he moved to the couch and sat down. He watched as the boy sighed aloud and then held his head in his hands. He heard Justin talking to himself.
“God Brian. Why did you do this? Why couldn’t you just say those words. I only wanted to hear them once. Just fucking once! I gave you everything I had, everything.”
Listening to his words, Brian’s anger rose for the first time. It had not hit him until now, the finality of it all. He knew he was gone, but Justin always came back, sooner or later, never being able to fully sever the relationship they had. The finality in his voice, the resignation that he had given up on Brian, killed him.
“Get out,” the voice came.
Justin was startled and turned in the direction of the voice. He saw Brian sitting there, bottle in hand. The look on his face, the redness in his cheeks and eyes spoke volumes to Justin. He rose and started to walk over to him.
“Get your shit and get out. I am actually expecting someone, and you don’t need to be here,” Brian said, his voice even, not looking at Justin. He brought the bottle to his lips again and drank some more.
“I thought you’d be at the gym. Can we talk for a second please? There are some things I need to say to you,” Justin said, continuing his walk to Brian.
Raising his voice, Brian responded, refusing to look at him. “Nothing to talk about. It’s over, remember? I seem to recall you made your decision last night. Can’t say I am surprised you have the gaul to come here and get your shit though...such a big boy now.”
“Look, I didn’t think you would be here. I’ll just get my stuff then and I’ll be gone,” Justin said, turning to move into the bedroom.
Brian just stared down at the bottle in his hand. I thought you already were.
“You left me...what is there to talk about?” Brian said, barely audible as his voice was breaking, but Justin heard it.
Justin moved into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed. Looking out through the doorway at the back of him, he could tell that Brian was tense. He watched as the bottle was brought up and down. That was Brian’s way of dealing with pain, drinking and drugs, trying to erase away the pain, if only for a little while. Wanting to take away the pain, he rose and moved to him. He walked up behind him and stood there, staring down at him. Bringing his hand up, he rubbed the side of Brian’s face. He felt Brian turn into his touch momentarily and then flinch.
“What the fuck are you doing? I said...get your shit and get out Justin!” Brian yelled and turned to face him.
“Please Brian, I need to talk to you,“ Justin pleaded.
They locked eyes and just stared at each other. Both hoping that the other would not see the pain that was coming from their faces and bodies. Justin reached down again and grabbed Brian’s face in his hands, rubbing his thumb over his lips. Brian just sat there, unable to move. He wanted to move away, get as far away as he could...but he was paralyzed by Justin’s touch. He brought his hand up behind Justin’s neck and pulled his face to his, kissing him deeply. It was a deep ferocious kiss. Their tongues probing inside each other’s mouth, as if it was their last. Justin moved to face him and sat down on top of him. Thoughts of lust, love, anxiety, hurt, and panic were shared between the two. Moving his hand down Justin’s chest, Brian slinked his hand under his shirt and rubbed the nipples that were already hard. Pulling him closer, with his other hand, Brian stroked the side of Justin’s face and moaned into his mouth.
“Come on, “ Brian said, pushing Justin away and moved to get up himself.
“No Brian, we can’t. I can’t do this anymore,” Justin said, shaking his head, feeling flushed.
“What did you come back here for? Your stuff? You could have sent someone to get it. Now, come on. I know you want it,” Brian said, moving closer to Justin. Brian was trying to gather his thoughts, not wanting to come across as desperate. But he was so desperate to be with Justin right now, wanting to prove to the boy that he could never leave him. If he could just get inside him he knew Justin couldn’t leave.
“I do want it, I want you Brian. All of you. But you won’t give me that. I love you, do you understand that? And I want you to love me back. Can you do that Brian? Can you admit that you love me?” Justin said, backing away. Trying to hold his ground because if he got any closer, he would give himself up to it as always.
“No Justin I won’t,” Brian responded, backing away from him. He turned to go to the bathroom and close himself off from him. He thought for sure that Justin would give in to him as he had so many times. This morning was unbearable to be around him, but now he was here, pleading for him to say those words. What ifs and coulda, shoulda, wouldas. He went in, closed the door and lost it. The tears came to him. The overwhelming feeling of emptiness hitting him like a sledghammer. His old friend ‘nausea’ was back again.
Leaning into the counter over the sink, he just fell apart. He stared at his reflection and saw the bags under his eyes and the tears streaming down his face. Get it fucking together Brian! Don’t you fucking cry. Wiping the tears away roughly...he had to sit down. He moved over to the toilet and held his head in his hands, inhaling deep breaths to calm the quiet, brief sobbing that he allowed himself.
The tears subsiding, he got up and turned on the faucet and ran cold water over his face to try and shake the feelings he had. Wiping his face with the towel, he smelled the boy’s scent throughout it. Fucking great. I’m going to have to throw out all these fucking towels and the sheets and the duvets, they all smell of him. But, he couldn’t put the towel down. He didn’t know how long he had been in there, but he hadn’t heard any sounds and just figured Justin had left. Opening the door to the bathroom, he had the towel in his hand and moved to the bed. As he moved, his eyes caught the movement and then he saw him. Justin was naked, sprawled out on the bed, waiting for him.
“I thought you left,“ Brian said, standing there in shock.
“Just this one time, the last time. I need to be with you Brian and then I can walk away,” Justin said, holding his hand out to Brian. He didn’t know what to do...a first. He wanted to send him away, but he couldn’t stop looking at Justin.
Brian moved to the bed, grabbing Justin’s hand. He stood there at the edge waiting for Justin to take his clothes off. Justin moved to the edge, seated between Brian’s legs and reached up to unbutton his shirt. The man stared down at him, watching his movements. Justin’s hands were shaking as he fumbled with the buttons. The shirt finally off, Justin stared at Brian and was mesmerized. Even at his worst Brian was still unbelievably beautiful. Reaching up to unzip his jeans, Brian’s hands touched his. They both worked together to pull the jeans off, exposing Brian’s cock as they moved down his torso. Pulling the jeans down, Justin ran his hands down the man’s thighs and knees, down his shins and over his feet. Lying back on the bed, he looked to Brian, beckoning him.
Brian moved over him, hovering, “The last time, hunh? Are you sure about that Justin? There is no turning back now. Once this is over, it’s over...remember that,” Brian said, the hurt leaking through his eyes and voice. He wanted so badly to make love to him, like that night. He wanted to be tender to show Justin that he did care, that he did love him. But now Justin was telling him that he needed a goodbye fuck...I tried to give him that two years ago, it didn’t work. He wouldn’t leave. Now he is...and I don’t want him to go.
“I need you, just fuck me Brian. Do what you do best,” Justin said, reaching up to pull Brian to him, kissing him.
Brian lie down on top of Justin and moved to his neck. Brian was placing heavy kisses up and down his neck, biting his ear, sucking the skin. “Don’t, leave a mark Brian,“ Justin winced, stopping him.
“Not possible and you know it. My mark will be there no matter who you’re with Justin,“ Brian replied, moving his mouth to his ear, whispering. He marked Justin long ago and remarked him every day. The casual dances with others at Babylon and the infrequent side fucks meant nothing...they all knew he belonged to Brian. If they needed reminding...well, Brian was always quick to do it.
Justin moved under him, rubbing their cocks together, feeling both of their body temperatures rise by the second. He rubbed his hands down the man’s back, committing to memory every inch and freckle. They had been burned in his mind long ago, but he was grasping at straws now, afraid that once he left, the memory would fade indelibly from his mind forever. Why can’t I be stronger? Why can’t I walk away from you? Why do I have to feel your touch? Why do I have to feel you inside me?
Brian moved down to kiss his shoulder, licking the skin and tasting Justin. He knew the taste of his young lover would never leave him...his smell, his face, his touch. It would haunt him forever. He moved his mouth over his nipples, sucking them in, licking them. Something different.. ” Where is your nipple ring?” Brian stopped, looking up to him.
“I took it out, Ethan didn’t,“ and Justin stopped himself, looking away.
Slightly laughing, Brian sarcastically replied, “Right, he wouldn’t would he?” and then he shook his head.
Brian just looked at him again and said, “Well, I did like it. It looked good on you, it was hot. I might miss that,“ and then he moved back down to his chest. Didn’t like it...whatever. What a prude. God, I bet he makes love to him every night...probably has candles all around and fucking Enya playing...give me a goddamn break.
Brian began slow, long licks up and down Justin’s chest and into his navel. Probing the navel, Brian looked up to Justin to watch his face. What he saw, was what he saw every time they were together. The look of utter satisfaction and pure ecstasy. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to watch him much longer, it would hurt too much. Bringing his eyes back down, he slid further down Justin’s body, wanting to get to his cock. As he inched himself down off the bed, he grabbed a pillow and put it under his knees. He pulled Justin by his legs down the bed so they were hanging off next to him. Reaching out, he grabbed Justin’s cock and began to stroke it slowly, rubbing his thumb over the slit. With his other hand he was stroking his thigh and kneading the skin, watching the red blotches form on the pale skin as he pulled it. Justin brought his arm up, covering his eyes...he couldn’t look at Brian. He fought the urge to get up and run out of there, knowing that he was betraying Ethan.
Brian started to stroke faster and then bent down to take the cock in his mouth. He wanted to leave an impression on Justin, making sure that this was the best blowjob he would ever get in his entire life. Licking up and down the shaft, sucking it, he watched it turn deep red, the blood shooting up inside it. He took the head in his mouth and sucked, probing his tongue inside the slit. His tongue and the saliva enabled the cock to slide deep inside his mouth and down his throat. He moaned as it slid in and out. He heard the sounds coming from Justin and watched as Justin’s hands were gripping the sheets beside him.
Moving his hand from Justin’s leg he brought it up to his mouth and stuck his middle finger in beside the boy’s cock. Getting the finger good and wet, he withdrew it and brought it to Justin’s hole. Normally he would press into the side of it, preparing him for the intrusion, but this time he plunged it right in. Hearing the deep groan from Justin and feeling his body jerk, Brian continued his assault on his cock, breathing in the scent of his pubic hair. He moved the finger in and out of his hole, around and around, trying to stretch it. He pulled it out and brought his hand back up to his mouth and wet that finger again and then another one. Relishing the taste of Justin, he closed his eyes and sucked the finger, rolling his tongue all around it. Pushing them back in he got the same guttural moan from Justin as before. Brian just watched Justin writhe under his touch and his own cock was growing harder by the second.
“Brian...just fuck me, I want you inside me...now,“ Justin said, sitting up. His thoughts of Ethan were so far from his mind. All that was, was Brian.
“I thought you liked this, you always loved it. What’s wrong, gotta be somewhere? Going to fuck and run on me?” Brian responded sarcastically.
Justin frowned, “I just need to feel you, that’s all. Can’t you understand?”
Hearing that Justin needed him inside him goaded Brian on. Yeah, I can understand...perfectly. I need to feel you too Justin. I need to be inside you...beside you..just near you. I need you waiting for me when I come home. I need you to smile when you see me. I need to have you love me, unconditionally again. I want to be what you want me to be. I need you. But, this is goodbye...so, I need to do this my way.
Moving on top of him, Brian told Justin to roll over. He didn’t want to do it face to face the last time, it would be too hard. Stung by telling him to roll over, Justin just sat there for a second and couldn’t believe that he wouldn’t be able to look at his face while they made love the last time. Because to Justin it was making love, no matter how much Brian denied it or whatever anyone else thought. Taking a deep breath, Justin rolled over underneath him, burying his head into the duvet. Brian reached over him to open the drawer of the table beside the bed, grabbing a condom and a tube of lube with it. Sitting back on his haunches, he began to tear the packet open.
“Don’t you want me to put it on you?”Justin asked, looking over his shoulder.
“I know how to put it on Justin, I have done it a million times,“ Brian retorted, rolling his tongue to his cheek. His hands were shaking as he tried to rip open the condom packet. Fucking hands, what is the deal? Fuck it, just rip it open with my teeth. Ripping it open, Brian dropped the packet and leaned down to roll the condom on his cock. He then flipped open the lube cap and squirted some out on his fingers. Not letting it warm up, he plunged his fingers deep into him. Justin was already stretched from the prior finger fucking, so he just swirled the lube inside and withdrew his fingers. Brian moved back, positioning himself behind Justin. Reaching down to raise Justin’s hips, he entered him quickly. There was no pause, no warning, no delay. This would be a rough fuck.
Pushing into him, Brian pulled himself up on his knees and rode him from behind. Justin was being pushed into the bed harder with every thrust. Hearing the panting from Brian, he could sense that he wanted this quick. Feeling the pounding in his ass, Justin grunted and moaned from the pleasure and pain of it all. The pleasure of Brian inside him and the pain of knowing once this was over, they would never do this again. Running his hand down Justin’s back, pulling on the skin, Brian watched as the boy winced from the pain. His other hand gripped Justin’s hip and pulled him as he thrust.
“God, Brian, yes...harder...harder. It is so fucking good! You are amazing,” Justin panted out.
“Your ass is so tight...you feel so good. Do you feel me inside you, fucking you? Hmmph, Jesus, move back, move back to me! Right there, push back on me! Yeah, that feels so fucking good Justin!” Brian yelled back to him.
Raising up on all fours Justin grabbed his cock and started to stroke himself and pushing back on Brian with every thrust. Brian leaned into him and grabbed him around his chest, burying his head in his shoulder. “You feel so fucking good. So good between us,“ Brian whispered into his ear, his voice ragged between the breaths.
Hearing Brian say those words, telling how good it felt to be inside him was crushing. You feel good too Brian, too good...always so good. I could hold you inside me forever...if I could. But, I could never hold on to any part of you.
Brian always told him how beautiful he was, how he was the best fuck of his life, how he could never get enough of him. But never, I love you. This was the closest he would come to saying it. He felt the stinging in his shoulder as Brian bit into him and then sucked in the skin to smooth the pain. He felt Brian move his hand down to take his cock in his hands as Brian slowed his pace. He moved Justin’s away and took his place stroking. “That’s my job, remember?” he breathed.
Brian had entered him so roughly and now, his gentleness was overwhelming. He knew Brian was grudge fucking him. He was pissed and forced into him, wanting to hurt him to get his point across, but couldn’t continue the pain. Sometimes when he was mad at Justin for making stupid decisions, being so naive, he would do this. But then ease up and make up for it with his tenderness. Now he was doing the same thing.
Is he doing this to get me to stay? Is he mind fucking me again? I would think my bullshit meter would be so alert when it came to Brian, but this is breaking my heart. I don’t want to leave him, I don’t want to feel another’s hand on me, I want Brian in me forever, fucking me forever, making love to me, kissing me, touching me...forever. I love you so much Brian. But you break my heart.
Bringing Justin to climax, he brought his hand up to Justin’s back and smeared the cum over his skin. He pulled himself back and leaned in, licking the cum off , still pushing in. Smelling the scent, rubbing it into his lips, swallowing the last drops forever. He began feeling the familiar pangs of his own orgasm rising up and started to thrust deeper into Justin with quicker thrusts. He couldn’t contain his emotions at this feeling and began to grunt and shout. “God, Justin, fuck, fuck fuck! Ughhh!” and then he fell upon him, bringing both of their bodies to the bed.
They both lie there, breathing heavy, sweat pooling over their bodies, totally exhausted, mentally and physically. “I am, uh, did I hurt you Justin? I didn’t mean to be so rough,“ Brian asked, hesitantly.
“Just now, or the past two years?” Justin said smiling, turning into Brian’s face.
“I meant just now, did I hurt you?” Brian asked, rolling his eyes.
“No, you didn’t hurt me Brian. It was good. It was always good,“ Justin replied, moving to get out from under his weight. As he did, Brian moved off of him and removed the condom and leaned over to place it in the trash.
“Yeah, it was. Always good. You were always good Justin,“ he said, leaning into kiss him.
“I gotta go Brian,“ Justin said, as Brian pressed his lips to his. God, I can’t take this. Please don’t kiss me now Brian. Ethan is probably waiting for me at home. What did I just do?
“So go- no one’s keeping you here,“ Brian said, leaning back over, grabbing a pillow and bringing it to his chest. Lying there, not looking at Justin, Brian felt used for the first time in his life, and he didn’t know what to make of it.
I should be happy that he came back, he wanted me. He always loved to be with me, he begged me everyday and every night for it and I loved it too. I could never get enough of him. But now he’s leaving again, didn’t work out like I planned.
Justin got up, grabbing his clothes and dressing. He couldn’t look at Brian and he couldn’t kiss him now...he wouldn’t be able to leave. He knew that his last statement came out wrong. But it was either that or another round of him asking, pleading to Brian to say that he loved him. He could tell that Brian wanted him to stay ...how much longer? For the rest of the day...For the rest of the night...Or forever?
“I am just gonna grab my stuff and then I will be back later this week sometime to get the rest of it, is that okay with you?” Justin asked him, sitting down on the bed next to him.
“Fine, but are you going to bring him with you?” Brian replied, looking at Justin now.
“No, I won’t bring Ethan here Brian. I would never do that,“ Justin replied, hurt that Brian would think that of him. He thought Brian knew him better than that, but it was just a way for Brian to strike.
Justin grabbed his back and looked to Brian on the bed.
“Goodbye Brian,“ he said.
There was no response as Brian wouldn’t look at him. So, he turned and walked away and out the door.
“I love you Justin, I always have. I always will...unfortunately,“ Brian whispered.
Justin reached into his bag to grab his phone, noticing that there were a few missed calls and a message. All were from Ethan.
Coming into the apartment, Justin saw Ethan sitting at the piano. He looked up and just stared at him. An unforgiving stare. “Where were you? Why didn’t you call me back?”
“I was at Emmett’s okay?” Justin said, opening the refrigerator, pulling out a bottle of water.
“You said you were going to work...I called you there, I went there. You left early, I thought maybe you were sick or something, why didn’t you come back home?” Ethan told him.
“Home? Ethan, I don’t need this right now, okay? I went to my friend Emmett’s and we just hung out. I have friends you know, not just you in my life,“ Justin responded sarcastically.
“I know that, but they are Brian’s friends too, right?” Ethan asked as he got up to come to Justin.
Slamming the refrigerator door shut, Justin spun around, “And? Are you trying to ask me something Ethan? Because if you are, just say it!”
“You were with him today weren’t you?” he asked of Justin, knowing the answer.
“With who? I told you, I was at Emmett’s. Now, I am going to take a shower, if that is okay with you,” Justin replied, moving towards the bathroom.
“Okay, sorry. You were with Emmett. Look, I thought we’d go out to dinner tonight and discuss the new living arrangements. The extra bedroom has room for your things and I have plenty of room in my closet for your clothes and stuff,“ Ethan called out to him.
“Yeah, sure, we’ll go to dinner. But, I don’t know if it is such a good idea for me to move in here right away, you know? I mean, it just feels weird, that’s all,” Justin said and closed the bathroom door.
Ethan just stood there staring at the door. He knew Justin was lying. He was with Brian today. He went to the diner to see Justin during his shift, to make sure everything was okay from this morning. He was told that Justin left early. When he asked Debbie where Justin might be, she just laughed. “Kid, you are coming in on something that has been tearing up Liberty for two years. You better buckle up and get ready for the ride.”
“Excuse me? I don’t know what you mean by that. Justin and Brian are over, he broke up with him last night and left with me,” Ethan said, a little miffed at the redheaded lady, laughing at him.
“Not too quick on the uptake hunh? Do you know Brian at all? Do you know the whole story between those two?” Debbie leaned on the counter and asked Ethan.
“I met him, he is an asshole. He thinks he is so great, so hot. Well, I know that Justin left him. I know he hurt Justin. And he doesn’t love him,” Ethan said, sitting down.
“Yeah, that’s my Brian alright, God love him! He is great and he is hot- can’t deny that, can you? Didn’t think so. Justin left him...many times. But he always came back. You see, his body may have left Brian, but his mind will never leave him, do you understand what I am saying to you kid? You might want to write this down, here take my order pad,“ Debbie said, pushing the pad to Ethan. She laughed as he slapped it away. Wondering what in the hell made Justin go from Brian to this kid, Debbie just shook her head.
“I am going to tell you something Ethan, because you have a right to know what you are getting into. Brian may have hurt Justin, unwittingly sometimes, probably consciously, who knows with Brian, but he does love him and he will get him back. I feel sorry for you, I really do,” Debbie said, turning away.
“Wait a minute, how do you know Justin will go back to him?” Ethan asked.
“Those two have a pull on each other. They’ve been through alot together and they love each other. Now, you may not think Brian loves him, but he does. And when Brian wants something, he gets what he wants. And he wants Justin. So, I would stay away from Brian if I were you, you look too thin-skinned to play his game. Now I gotta go,“ Debbie said and walked away. Ethan just watched her walk away and her words sunk in.
As she walked over to buss a table, Debbie thought about the differences between Brian and Justin. They were very different from each other. There was definitely more than just hot sex between those two. Their personalities definitely complimented each other. Justin approached life with wild abandon...never considering the consequences...just living in the now. Brian reeled him in...taught him control, subtleness, reserve, and the ways of the world. Justin taught Brian how to open up and accept love, albeit fleeting and fighting it tooth and nail. They both had matured immensely in the past two years. That spoke volumes to Debbie. Christ, poor Brian...so jaded in love and relationships, to have a 17 year old, make you mature...what a ride. They will make their way back to each other. There is too much between them.
“Hello?” Brian said, picking up the phone.
“Hey, it’s me, what are you doing?” the voice said.
“Mikey, I’m washing my hair. Sorry, no time to talk to you,“ Brian said moving to hang up the phone. Fuck, I knew it, knew he would call sooner or later.
“Brian, wait a fucking minute, do not hang up on me!” Michael yelled.
“What Michael? I’m busy, what do you want?” Brian sighed.
“Why don’t you come over to Ben’s tonight and have dinner with us? Then we’re going to Babylon, are you up for it?” Michael asked.
“I will meet you at Babylon, but will pass on the family dinner, thanks. What time?” Brian asked as he rolled up another joint.
“About 10 then, are you sure you don’t want to come over here?” Michael replied.
“Uh, very sure. I will see you tonight,” Brian said, clicking the phone off.
He motioned to the trick to continue and leaned backed down, bringing the joint to his lips. After Justin left Brian went online, for reasons known only to Brian. To get lost in the push and pull, the fucking and sucking...eradicates his pain momentarily. And if drugs are involved, even better. . We all create our own pain...don't we? To Brian, momentarily is good enough
Justin didn’t come back to get his things. He sent Emmett and Ted to get them.
The next day Brian went to Lindsey and Melanie’s to see Gus, thinking that would keep his mind off the situation. He didn’t want to sit around the loft all day and think about yesterday. He thought that he could escape all that being with Gus. He was too young to hurt him and he could take his mind off of it. Wrong. They both lit into him as soon as he crossed the threshold. “How could you Brian? How could you let him just walk away?” Lindsey spoke first.
“I came here to see my kid, I don’t need any of your dyke bullshit right now, so lay off,“ Brian spat.
“You know its not too late, he will come back Brian. Maybe not for a little while, but he will come back... stupid kid,” Melanie said to him.
“Is that supposed to make me feel better Melanie? Gee thanks, you’re such a pal,“ Brian said, taking Gus from her. “If I’m not mistaken, it was the both of you who introduced Justin to whatever the fuck his name is...thanks,“ Brian added.
“How was I to know what would happen Brian? You can’t keep him locked up, what did you expect? Maybe if you were more loving or kinder to him, this would never have happened,“ Lindsay said, reaching over to brush the hair out of his face.
“No, it’s for the best really. Justin should be out experiencing life. Meeting new people, fucking other guys...he’s only 19 you know,“ Brian replied.
“Have you two seen each other at all?” Melanie asked, incredulous.
“Are we having a conversation Melanie? What the fuck do you care and, “ Brian was cut off.
“Brian, we just care about you,” Lindsey said. Brian and Melanie both looked at her like she was crazy.
“No, and hopefully I won’t ever see him again,“ Brian replied.
“Where is he now? Is he living with Ethan?” Melanie asked.
“Not that I wanted to know, but Michael told me that he was between his mom’s and Ethan’s. Justin didn’t want to move in with him right away...why couldn’t I have been so lucky?“ Brian replied sarcastically..
“So, its really over,” Lindsey said quietly and she watched how Brian just looked away and started to say something, but stopped. It seemed that he did that a couple of times before finally thinking it out.
“It’s finished, done, over...should have been over a long fucking time ago. I wasted a year on him. My numbers are down for this year. Finally I can fuck whoever I want with abandon and not get a bag of shit about it,“ Brian replied. He looked down, could not face them. He wasted a year...not telling him how he really felt. His numbers were down, but he had turned down so many fucks because of Justin, that’s true. But, only because they couldn’t even measure up to the amount of pleasure he received from Justin.
Melanie and Lindsey just looked at each other and smiled.
Monday night at Babylon, the boys were in their usual spot by the bar. Brian was sizing up the next target and Emmett and Ted were scoping out the dance floor. Brian grabbed a willing participant and moved to the dance floor and proceeded to grope the guy right there. The guy was blonde, blue eyed and skinny...much like Justin. Brian was approached by about five different men in the space of approximately 20 minutes and declined every one, until the blonde caught his eye.
“I can’t believe him. He goes into his fuck machine mode, like nothing happened...he is so cold,” Ted said to Emmett.
“Funny how all he has been fucking lately are blonde twinks. Must be his version of therapy,“ Emmett smirked.
The trick moved closer, reaching out to grab Brian’s arm. Pushing him away at first and then bringing him back to him...Brian always made the first move. “Hey, let’s go to the backroom,“ the trick said.
“Fine, let’s go,“ Brian replied and lead the way.
Once back there Brian found a couch and sat down. Brian was staring at the trick in front of him, and motioning for him to get to his knees. The trick obliged quickly and moved to unbutton Brian’s jeans. All the while the trick was trying to make eye contact, Brian wouldn’t look at him.
“What’s the matter with you?” the trick asked, reaching up to touch Brian’s face.
Grabbing his arm before he could touch him, “Don’t fucking touch me! We aren’t having a moment...just suck my dick.”
“Whatever dude, Christ, total asshole,“ the blondie said and bent his head down to finish doing the deed.
While the trick did his work, Brian continued to look anywhere but at him. Reaching into his shirt pocket he pulled out a bump. Leaning his head back he brought the bump to his nose and inhaled. Instant euphoria. This is all I need...a bump and a blow job. His head spinning and swirling, his lips dry and the action on his cock all together created a huge disconnect. Flashes of blue...pale skin...blonde hair... sweet red lips...breaking through. Moving his hands to the trick’s head, he began to move his fingers through the guy’s hair. Justin. Justin...He moved his hand to rub the trick’s cheek, caressing his face. The blue eyes and the smile coming to him...
“Yeah, give it to me...your dick is beautiful man!” the trick said after he took all that Brian had.
Hearing the voice, he opened his eyes, looking to the blonde hair that was entwined with his fingers- what the fuck?
“Move! Get the fuck away,“ Brian hissed.
“What?” the trick asked, looking perplexed.
“I said, get the fuck away from me!” Brian hissed again, standing up and knocking the guy over onto the floor.
“Jesus! What the fuck is your problem? What did I do?” the trick asked, getting up from the floor.
“A bad fucking job...that is what you did,“ Brian said, walking away.
For the next two weeks, they had managed to avoid each other. It was difficult to say the least. Brian avoided the diner when he knew Justin would be there and Justin hadn’t been going to Babylon...Ethan didn’t really think it was his scene. Hearing each other’s names brought up in conversations was hard, but they publicly tried to shrug it off. Privately it was another story. Waking up from wet dreams, reaching out during sleep to pull each other to them...following old familiar routines, they were having a hard time. Constantly comparing Ethan to Brian was beginning to take a toll. Too many times Justin found himself thinking, ‘I wonder what Brian would say...or think’. Brian caught himself calling out to Justin when he would come home or thinking about what new recipe Justin would try on him for dinner. Seeing blondes at Babylon that looked similiar to Justin, wanting Brian’s opinion on a new piece he was working on, and constantly wondering what the other was doing at that very minute.
Each having tried to immerse themselves in their respective work to deal with their situation, the time still dragged on. Two weeks had seemed like an eternity.
Meeting with a new client one day, Brian had suggested lunch at a new sushi bar near to the agency. As they waited to be seated, Brian was looking around and noticed someone familiar at a table by the window. As he stood there and watched the person, he saw another familiar face come to the table. Justin. He suddenly became a little queasy again...the familiar nausea. He looked back at the other familiar face and saw that it was Ethan. Of all the fucking luck in the goddamn world! Since when did he come uptown for lunch? He never came up here for me, fucking twat!
“Brian?” the client said.
“Yes?” Brian replied, turning to the man.
“I said, how is the sushi here?” the man asked.
Brian looked back at the table and then at the man and said, “Raw. And overrated.”
“Ha, well, I hope it’s raw. Overrated huh? Should we go someplace else? I think my hotel has a lovely room service menu...shall we?” the man said, stepping closer to Brian.
Well, I have nothing or no one better to do...why not? “Sure, I’ll follow you,“ Brian said and they walked out.
As he drove he thought about the possibilities of running into Justin. He had been so quick to change his schedule.. and Brian was very adverse to change. He practically rearranged his whole life to accommodate him...to love him. Now, he rearranged it to avoid him...to hate him or try to. He knew that there would be times that they would see each other, that was for sure. The two weeks had seemed like forever, but the pain was still there. The last thing he wanted was to see Justin with Ethan.
I thought time is supposed to heal all wounds? Well, mine must be infected.
The next night at Babylon was Suckfest and Brian and the boys wouldn’t miss that. As they stood under the stairs watching the prey descend onto the dance floor, Michael was constantly trying to lighten Brian’s mood. He had been in a funk since yesterday.
“What about him?” Michael asked, nudging and pointing to a black haired guy.
“Trash,” Brian responded, not looking up.
“Okay, what about that guy? He is your type...young and buff. Dick sucking lips, tight ass, looks submissive,“ Michael tried again.
“They’re all submissive Michael, given the right dick,“ Brian droned.
“Type? Brian has no type, unless they are in to servitude and a ‘done? good, fuck off’”, Ted chimed in.
“Why are you here Ted? Isn’t that your dick I hear calling you...you missed your date. Oh, and Fuck Off!” Brian spat back, staring at the bottle of beer in his hand.
“See, what did I tell you?” Ted replied.
“Teddy, leave him alone...can’t you see he’s sad,“ Emmett said to Ted.
“Sad? What the fuck am I sad about?” Brian looked up and shot back.
“About Justin. Come on Brian, it’s time you let it out. Deal with it,“ Emmett said, reaching out to touch Brian’s arm.
“Deal with what?” Brian said, yanking his arm out of Emmett’s grasp.
“With him,“ Michael replied.
Brian watched as Justin came down the stairs and walked to the bar, not seeing them under the stairs. All grew quiet. No one dared to look at Brian. He couldn’t believe he was here...none of them could. They just thought he had given it up. Emmett was the first to speak up.
“Well, are we going to say hello to him?” Emmett asked them.
“Let him come over here first...it’s been really weird working with him on the comic. I mean, we’re friends, but it’s like we struggle to find neutral things to talk about,“ Michael said.
“You mean things that aren’t Brian,“ Ted said, and walked over to the bar.
“Hey Justin, how are you? Long time no see. Is Ethan here?” Ted asked.
“Oh, hi Ted. Yeah, it’s been a little while. How are you?” Justin responded, looking past Ted to see Michael and Emmett and Brian. His gaze lingered too long at Brian and he caught him.
“Fine, same old, same old. You know how it is. Is, uh, Ethan here? I have his cd in the car and I would love for him to autograph it for me. I really think his music is wonderful,“ Ted asked.
Looking back to Ted, “Uh, no Ted. Sorry. Ethan isn’t here with me,“ Justin replied. Thank God. I need a fucking break. Why he had to guilt trip me about coming here tonight is beyond me. Did I want him to come with me? No. Why? So I could listen to him tell me that I am degrading myself. That someone of my caliber shouldn’t hang out there. Why don’t we stay home and rent The Red Violin and eat Chinese food? Get real.
His gaze again moved to Brian. He watched how Brian was staring back, face devoid of emotion.
“Hunh?” Justin said.
“Oh, I just said okay, maybe some other time. I really would like to talk with him. I think he has such great talent. You are really lucky Justin. He is going places,“ Ted smiled.
“Yeah, I guess,“ Justin replied, looking back to the boys standing by the stairs. He caught Brian looking at him this time, but Brian looked away, too quickly. You look good Brian. Dressed to fuck, as always. I guess I knew I might see you here. Who misses Suckfest?
“Well, I’m going to say hi to Michael and Emmett and...uh, Brian,“ Justin said, looking over to Ted.
“Sure, talk to you later,“ Ted nodded and said. He knew.
Very apprehensive approaching them, he tried to read Brian’s body language...but it was impossible. As always, he was a master of masking everything. “Hey guys,“ he said, timidly.
“Hiya honey. You look good. We didn’t really get a chance to talk in the diner the other day, sorry,“ Emmett said, reaching out to lay an arm around his shoulder.
Seeing the closeness of Emmett and Justin made Brian’s blood boil. As always. He never liked seeing anyone touch Justin...not even his closest friends who knew the deal. It was always innocent, but that didn’t matter. And he fought not to stare at him, his face...his smile...his eyes.
“Hey Michael, I redid the coloring on Captain Astro in that new scene. I think you will like it alot,“ Justin smiled to him.
Smiling back at Justin, Michael just replied, “Cool, we’ll look at it tomorrow. I am sure it is fine...that is your department, you’re the artistic genius.”
Justin smiled and then moved his gaze to Brian, who stood looking at anything but him. “Hey,“ he said softly.
“Hey yourself,“ Brian replied and moved between the three to the bar. Seeing him from afar was one thing, but the urge to wrap his arms around Justin was too much.
“This is so hard,“ Justin said, looking after him.
“Don’t worry Justin, Brian will come around. He’s just being...” Michael said, getting cut off.
“Brian,“ Justin tried to smile and walked off.
Brian watched him walk upstairs to the catwalk. Why is he here? Is he alone...or is his fiddle player lurking around somewhere? Downing a shot and pushing off the bar, Brian moved up the stairs to the catwalk as well.
“Let the games begin,“ Emmett laughed and watched.
Brian moved right next to Justin, leaning into the railing. He tried to maintain his cool facade.
“It’s hot out there, hunh?” Justin said, looking straight ahead, nervously.
“It’s alright. Why, looking for something?“ Brian responded, looking straight ahead as well.
“So, how are you Brian? How is work? Do you have alot more responsibilities or can you sit around and give orders now?” Justin smiled. Great, idle chit chat is what we are reduced to now.
“I’m good...as always. Work is fine, no different. I always gave orders...now I just get paid more,“ Brian said, turning to look at him. I can smell him. I want to touch him...I’ve missed him. I want to kiss those lips, I want to hear him calling my name. You are so beautiful...it hurts me to look at you.
Justin looked at him and they locked eyes. Neither one wanting to be the first to break the contact. Both could see the anguish and longing in each other’s eyes. But both waited for the other to speak.
“Nothing to say for the first time in your life!” Brian smiled, trying to make light. Great Brian, good one.
“Yeah, this is a first,“ Justin said. I don’t know what to say. My heart hurts when I look at him. He is so beautiful. Stay cool Justin...maintain.
“Where’s your boyfriend? Playing some street corner for nickels?” Brian replied sarcastically. He had to get a dig in. Always.
“He’s at home,“ Justin spat. Thinking of the hard time Ethan gave him about coming tonight was no doubt about his insecurity of Justin running into Brian. And he didn’t know which was worse...Brian’s digs on Ethan or Ethan’s snipes at Brian.
“Home, hunh...well, going solo for the night, are we?” Brian said, leaning into him. Why did you have to come tonight? I was doing fine...now, I don’t know what I’m doing.
“This was not a good idea. I gotta go,” Justin looked away and started to push off the railing. I can’t stand to be so close to you. I want to touch, to look at you...have you hold me. I shouldn’t have come here.
“And then he was gone,“ Brian whispered and grabbed his arm. Don’t walk away again. Stop.
“You were never there,“ Justin said back, turning to face Brian.
“Let’s go,“ Brian said, pulling him to him. He leaned into his hair and breathed in deeply. He missed the smell of his shampoo. He had to throw it all out. Couldn’t stand to look at the bottles lined up against his in the shower. The soap was tossed too. All new linens, towels, comforter, duvet...everything wiped clean of Justin, except the memories. He wanted another chance.
Brian leaned down to look into his eyes and received the acceptance to the invitation. Walking away first but, Justin knew to give him a few minutes to get out of there and he would follow.
Justin didn’t say no, didn’t reply, he just followed. He couldn’t say no. All his resolve flew out the window the minute he saw him. The boys watched as Brian walked out first. Then a few minutes later Justin followed. They weren’t fooling anyone. Walking out to the Jeep both were quiet and didn’t look at each other. The ride was silent. Pulling up in front of the loft Brian turned the engine off and looked over to Justin. Thinking that Justin would at any minute tell him to take him back to Babylon, that this was a bad idea, he sat waiting. Justin unbuckled his seat belt and got out of the Jeep. A smile crept upon Brian’s face.
Moving inside the elevator, both stood in a corner apart from each other. Inner fights of wanting to grab the other, grope skin, kiss, touch, hold...everything, gripped them. It was very awkward. When they were together, they always found a way to touch. Now, everything was so different.
The ride seemed like it went on and on and on. Should have taken the stairs. Reaching the top floor, Justin moved to exit, but Brian grabbed his arm, pulling him back...he couldn’t stand it. They stood there staring at each other, saying nothing, but so much. Brian grabbed his hand, lacing his fingers with Justin’s. He leaned in hesitantly and looked into his eyes before moving further. Getting the permission, he leaned down and kissed Justin. Soft at first to see how much Justin would return. Their lips lightly touched each others and both instantly felt the spark inside them. Feeling Brian’s lips on his, Justin gave himself over, moving closer to Brian so he could close his arms around him. They stood there for what seemed hours and kissed, only stopping to catch a breath. Brian moved backwards, parting from Justin’s lips and moved to the loft door, pulling Justin with him, once the contact was made, it was hard to stop. Reaching up to enter the code to the loft, Justin pushed Brian’s hand away entering it himself. Smiling at Brian he just waited for him to open the door.
Inside the loft both fought the discomfort and anxiety again. Brian moved to the refrigerator and pulled two bottles of water out and handed one to Justin. Taking the bottle, their hands grazed one another and another spark.
Brian then walked to the bedroom and began to take off his clothes, all the while watching Justin stare at him from the living room. He made a slow show of it and watched the boy drink in his body. He could never tire at watching Justin’s body language as he looked at him, clothed or unclothed. His eyes would pan his whole body and his mouth would hang slack, his pupils would dilate and a look of lust clouded them. Justin had the same effect on him. Looking at Justin’s body made his mouth water.
His clothes off, Brian reached out his hand and waited. Timidly Justin began those steps to the bed. Just like the first night, so hesitant...not knowing what would happen, but couldn’t take the chance of not knowing. He had to find out. No turning back.
Moving up the steps Justin stood in front of him. Looking at Brian’s naked body caused a stir inside him. He looked down to Brian’s cock and saw that it was hard and red. It had been a few weeks, but it seemed like forever to him. He stood still as Brian moved to pull his shirt up and over his head. Brian’s hands were hot and touching him all over. Then came his pants. They looked at each other as Brian unbuttoned them and then moved to squat down. Pulling the pants down his legs, Brian let his hands rub the skin and then he leaned into kiss and lick his calves. He pushed Justin softly to the bed, and moved in between his legs. Putting his hands inside the waist of Justin’s underwear, he slowly pulled them down. While doing so, his hand purposefully touching Justin’s cock and rubbing a finger down the shaft. Hearing the sharp intake of breath, Brian looked up and smiled. He sat staring into Justin’s eyes for a moment before he moved to get up.
Justin reached out and touched Brian’s face, stilling him. As Brian was on his knees, Justin used his other hand to pull Brian’s body closer. Their faces so close together, it was like a stand off. Brian would let Justin lead this. As Justin leaned in to kiss Brian, a soft moan came from his lips. He sucked in as much air through his nose as he could, so it could last. Wrapping his arms around Brian’s back, with his fingers gripping the skin, Justin gave himself over to it. He knew he shouldn’t be here. This shouldn’t be happening again. He knew that it was wrong. But why did everything feel so right? He would feel bad afterwards...not now.
Leaning back on the bed, he pulled Brian with him. Wanting to make contact with every inch of his flesh, Brian’s hands roamed the length of Justin’s body. The kiss not broken, had become deeper and their tongues were swirling around, dueling with each other. Drinking in the taste that was outwardly forgotten but inwardly tormenting. Brian pulled up, breaking the kiss and stared in the eyes of his former lover, he wanted to see his eyes. Looking into his eyes, Brian brought his hands up and cradled Justin’s face. Rubbing his thumb over Justin’s bottom lip, he felt the softness and leaned down to kiss him again. He then moved to his neck, licking and sucking the flesh, knowing that was one of his most sensitive spots. Kissing the flesh he moved up to his ear and breathed something inaudible. I miss you.
His hands ran up and down his chest, rubbing his fingers over the hard nipples, running in circles around them. Applying slight pressure as he ran his hands down to his waist and hips. All the while his body lay on top of Justin’s. His weight not a concern for Justin...he lay there and felt Brian’s heart beating through his chest onto his own heart.
Justin ran his hands through Brian’s hair as he felt him move downward on his body. He felt his tongue moving downward and his hands all over his body. He felt as though he wasn’t there, like he was imagining it, just as he had so many nights. When his lover entered him, he closed his eyes and imagined himself somewhere else...here. I miss you.
They were together for a couple of hours. Gently Brian made love to Justin. Roughly Brian fucked Justin. They couldn’t get enough of each other. But no words were spoken during all that time.
As they lie there together, tangled in each other’s limbs they both fought the urge to sleep. They were exhausted mentally and physically. When Justin knew he had to leave he moved slightly to see if Brian was still awake. Brian didn’t move so Justin crawled out of bed quietly and took his clothes to the living room, dressing in the dark. Moving to go to the door, he looked back and saw the form lying under the blue lights and a tear formed in his eyes. He slid the loft door open and closed it shut.
Brian lie still as Justin moved off the bed and gathered his clothes. He watched as Justin moved to the living room and he saw him turn back to look at him. Wanting to call out to him. He wanted to tell him not to leave. To stay. That he would do anything if he came back to him. He would tell him what he wanted to hear. He would tell him anything...just please don’t leave me again. But sat paralyzed as the boy walked out the door.
“Are you going to tell me what happened last night?” Michael asked him.
“When? I went to Babylon, you were there. Suckfest sucked,“ Brian replied, not looking at him.
“When you left with Justin. Come on Brian. Is that the first time?” Michael asked him.
“I didn’t leave with Justin. There wasn’t anything interesting there,“ Brian said.
“But, I bet there was something interesting at the loft, hunh?” Michael prodded on.
“Not that it is any of your business,“ Brian smiled looking at Michael.
“Well? What happened Brian?” Michael asked, nudging Brian’s shoulder.
“I said, it’s none of your business,“ Brian replied, looking at him. His face was devoid of emotion.
Michael knew better than to ask anything more. He knew. He just wondered how long it had been going on. Was that the first time? Were they hooking up all the time?
At the comic book store later, Michael tried his hand at Justin. “So, did you have a good time last night?”
“What do you mean?” Justin asked, not looking up. He had been waiting for this.
“I mean when you left with Brian,“ Michael huffed. They both were being so cryptic. Like it was some big secret. We all saw them leave together. They had to have fucked. There is no way they didn’t fuck.
“Michael, I went home. I was bored. That’s all. Now, can we please talk about something else. Nothing happened. You know I am with Ethan now,“ Justin replied, turning around.
“Fine, whatever you say,“ Michael said. “But, I want to go on record and say that I don’t think that you and he seeing each other is such a good idea.”
“Yeah, well, you never did, did you?” Justin replied sarcastically and walked away.
The next week Brian came into the diner. More out of curiosity than hunger. The first time it happened between them, it tore at his heart. No matter what people said, Brian did indeed have a heart. The second time...Brian’s heart was ripped out. He knew Justin’s schedule. All that seemed to occupy Brian’s thoughts these last few days was Justin and what it would take to get him back, and if Brian, would do it.
Brian walked in, nonchalantly glancing around. He saw Justin behind the counter. Sitting in the booth he could see out of his peripheral Justin turn around and stop. Brian saw Justin looking at him, noticing how he seemed hesitant, but then smiled. Brian sat waiting for Justin to come to him.
“Hey, this is a pleasant surprise,“ Justin smiled, coming over to the booth.
“Hey Brian, how are ya honey?” Debbie yelled to him.
Brian just looked at Debbie and smiled. Christ, Deb’s here...great.
“When are you going to come by and have lasagna? I haven’t seen you in a while. I was just telling Justin that he needs to come by too...maybe I could cook something this week and the two of you,“ she rambled.
“No thanks Deb,“ Brian cut her off.
“Yeah, I am really busy this week,“ Justin added.
“Well, whatever, but don’t be such a stranger...both of you. Christ, you’re both like my sons,“ Debbie said, shaking her head and walking off.
“So, do you want something to eat?” Justin asked.
“No, not really, I guess I lost my appetite,“ Brian said, playing with the flatware on the table.
“Do you want something to drink then?” Justin asked, leaning into the booth. Somewhat at a loss for words, but since Brian was trying, he would too.
“Yeah, bring me some water...please,“ Brian said, looking up to see the blue eyes.
He watched him walk away and then return with his water. Away he went again.
As he walked back to the counter Justin was unsure of this. I can’t believe he actually came in here. I know he doesn’t come when I’m here. What is going on?
Brian saw her coming. Christ, not now Deb.
“Brian, how fucking long are you going to let this go on?” Debbie whispered to him.
“What are you talking about Deb?” Brian asked innocently.
“You know what the fuck I am talking about Brian. I know you love him. Tell the fucking kid you love him and this will all be over,“ she said.
Watching Brian sit there, unable to look at her, Debbie just huffed and walked away.
Brian watched Justin go to the back store room and he sat there. His heart was beating...beating fast. He got up and followed Justin back there. Pushing open the door, Brian saw Justin turn around to see him. Brian didn’t know what exactly he was going to say or do.