Spending more time with Daphne gave Justin the outlet he needed. He was free to paint, talk and just be...something that he hadn’t been particularly afforded up until now and it was a nice reprieve from sitting around thinking about his life and possible sexual orientation. They talked about anything and everything really- boys, girls, their families and sometimes they discussed what a shit world it really was. And, it came as a quite a shock that he developed a little bit of a crush on Daphne, never realizing that this was normal. He may have forced it upon himself but who knows.
Ben had started dropping by the studio on some days and every so often, nights, under the guise that he needed to talk to Daphne or passing on some particular for the coming day’s events. Daphne saw it for what it was and Justin, well Justin was trying to be as oblivious to Ben’s attention as possible. He was not queer. The crush he was forming on Daphne was fast becoming his salvation and maybe he was willing it a little more than should be but he wanted to have a crush on a girl. Not a boy, not Ben. Certainly not Brian. So, most of the time, it was Daphne, Ben and he and then Melanie, another counselor would drop by to see Daphne.
Brian was not for him he told himself, not even good enough as a friend and his family would say the same, so the point was mute. Obviously they came from different backgrounds-from ridiculously rich to so underneath him that he couldn’t imagine. Those kind of people worked in Justin’s house and drove him around- they didn’t hang out or talk to him unless spoken to. He couldn’t see himself and Brian as friends like he could with Daphne and Ben. But with fascinated interest, Justin was always aware of Brian and found ways to keep up with what he was doing. What he was doing was sneaking out seeing Jason a couple nights a week. Jason would tap on the window below Brian's bed and they went off and did whatever it was they did.
Justin often thought that at 13, they, as in kids his age, were too young to be doing all this. I mean, shouldn't you leave something to save? Be something to look forward to later in life? But, Brian wanted everything and he wanted it now. So what if he was only 13, he'd soon be 14. He wasn't going to miss out on anything if he had his way.
When he thought about all of this, which was a lot by the way, he came to the conclusion that the reason he was happy to see Ben was really the way Ben treated him which was so unlike how Brian did. Ben treated him gently and didn’t discard what he said or did, hell he seemed quite interested in all Justin had to say actually. Never demeaned him or looked put upon by being in the same room. Justin was a master manipulator to say the least and knew how to work a situation to his advantage so his getting hurt or a sudden asthma attack coming on began to become a regular occurrence. Ben and Daphne weren’t there to accost him in the cafeteria or the showers- they were there to help him and counsel him. Be his friend.
Justin didn’t know it but Brian was watching, seeing how close Ben and he were becoming. And, Brian didn’t like it one bit. But of course Justin did like it that Brian didn’t and counted on it for some unknown, confoundable reason. So, as much as Brian liked Jason he still had a thing for Justin. Maybe it was the bird with the broken wing syndrome or some shit like that. But, Brian knew Justin was gay. And, he definitely liked Brian no matter what he says.
Another thing that Brian didn’t like was the fact that Jason was starting to pull away- maybe bored already with him or maybe frustrated at the fact that Brian wouldn’t give it up. Unbeknownst to him, Brian was giving Jason himself very shortly. After that, Jason would be so in love with Brian that he couldn’t possibly bore of him. I mean, Brian was giving himself and that’s a lot, right?
Brian may talk a good game and in turn, swagger that game all over Pittsburgh and the Pennsylvania woods but truth be told, he was a virgin. A sticking point to Brian definitely but that'd be over soon enough. Brian wanted to shed this particular nuisance very much but was waiting for the right guy. Not wanting to miss out on anything, he still had some pride for himself. Sure, he could fuck Lindsey whenever he wanted or wherever for that matter but she was a girl. Brian wanted it from a guy. Wanted what he got when he sucked Jason off...that taste, the smell, the feeling of all of it.
Although Michael had hoped that Brian and he would share this together, Brian had no plans or thoughts of doing it with Mikey. He was just the primer. And the letters he’d been receiving from Michael had taken on a desperate tone to say the least. He was having a horrible time-the food, or what little of it was horrible. How could a person survive on celery and apples? Of course Uncle Vic sent him strudel and brownies whenever he could and Michael had to be super sleuth to get those by the counselors as they watched you open every package and letter, even taking away Tic Tacs or Wrigley’s! Anyways, Michael had been pestering Brian about this new boy, Justin. What was going on? What was he like?
Seems Debbie filled Michael in on their nightly phone conversations and Michael was none too happy. Debbie, for all her wonderful and thoughtful ways was fast becoming a nosy, interfering bitch. There was nothing going on between Brian and Justin! He couldn’t stand that little twit. So no amount of placating Michael in his letters was helping but to Brian, placating meant, "I have no idea what you’re talking about He’s a total loser! Not even hot- he wears glasses for Christ sakes!" Brian did pride himself on honesty, foregoing lies for reality, at least in his mind, and he’d deny it if anyone could confront him on the twist in his gut at the placation.
The big summer dance was coming up and it happened to be on the same day as Brian’s birthday and all the various camps within a twenty mile radius would converge upon Camp Westmont. The science camps, debate camps, fat camps, ballet camps, whatever, they all came here; the dance was a reward to the half way point of camp. There was another big one planned at the end but this one was equally as important. Lindsey had been pestering Brian lately about being his date and making another trip to the boathouse but Brian staved her off as best he could. He was planning on meeting up with Jason later that night and didn't need anything to fuck it up. Bad enough that Mikey would be hanging around, even though he truly missed the boy.
One night, right after lights out, Brian heard a scratching at his window. Jumping down to see who it was, not-so-secretly hoping it was Jason calling for him, he was amazed and disappointed to see it was Lindsey. And she had brought a friend. Brian knew this was coming-Lindsey had been hinting around about it, telling Brian that she’d got a bottle of whiskey and a few joints that her high school boyfriend had brought her. Lindsey was the ultimate WASP, in every way, and that included indulging in things her parents would abhore.
Her friend, Susan, had taken a shining to Justin evidently and since Lindsey knew Brian and Justin were in the same cabin they cooked up a plot that couldn’t go wrong. Lindsey would finally have Brian, no matter how hard to get he was playing and Susan could hook up with her summer crush. Justin had run into Susan a couple of times coming back and forth from the laundry room, but that was about it. They found out they knew some of the same people, had summer homes in the same places and whiled away the spin cycle making chit chat…that was all though, according to Justin, never giving it a second thought. He was too busy being flirty with Daphne and Ben to give a thought to Susan.
So, when Brian opened the window and saw the bottle of whiskey Lindsey was tauting and waving around and heard mention of some doobage, he quickly pulled on some jeans and a shirt. Hell, he was a horny 13 year old and promises of booze and pot were worth a quick fondle and possibly a horrible blowjob but what the hell...he hadn’t met up with Jason in a couple of nights. As he started to climb out the window, Lindsey told him to wake up Justin.
"What for?"
"Because, Susan wants to see Justin."
Looking over to the boy’s bed, "Fuck that-he’s a loser. We’re not even friends, really."
Susan chimed in, "No he’s not. He’s actually kinda sweet and we kinda know each other. Sorta."
Lindsey smiled, whispering, "Come on Brian, we’ve got all this whiskey and pot..."
Justin was awake, had heard it all, cringing. But whatever. Maybe it was time he took a chance. Afterall, Susan was pretty and nice- maybe if he gave her a chance. And it would prove to Brian that he wasn’t like him at all.
As the group of four wandered the trail leading down to the lake, Lindsey stuck to Brian, much to his chagrin and Susan tried to keep up with Justin.
All the while, down that winding path, both boys ruminated on what lay ahead for the night. Brian, thinking that if he had enough of the whiskey and pot, he could forget Lindsey was a girl and Justin, ignored the beating of his heart and felt the clamminess of Susan’s grasp in his hand, while his eyes were drawn to the moonlit back of the tall, lanky asshole leading them to the boathouse. The light from the sky, between the trees, cast a glow upon Brian and Justin couldn’t look away, never paying attention to the path.
Those long arms held back the branches for all as they took a shortcut through the woods. The long, smooth fingers gripping his arm as Justin tumbled over a rock. That mouth, red lips and velvet tongue as it demeaned him, "Goddamn, you need a helmet! Come on slowpoke." Okay, get a grip Justin…you hate him. No matter if he is hot. No matter if you want that tongue in your mouth again, that body pressing against you...you hate him. You’re not queer. You like Daphne and Susan. Oh yeah, Susan. You are not queer.
Lighting the latern, Lindsey pulled her jacket off and she and Susan found a spot on the floor with a quilt. Grabbing the bottle out of her hand, Brian took a long swig and passed it to Justin. "No thanks."
"What, you don’t drink?"
"Hardly. I’m only 13."
"You are such a baby! I bet you don’t smoke either- probably damn near kill you with that asthma of yours. Did you bring your inhaler?" Brian laughed, lighting a cigarette and handing Lindsey his lighter as she pilfered a Marlboro from his pack.
"God, Brian. Like, leave him alone!"
Embarrassed, Justin turned away, "Yes."
Relenting, "Good."
"Brian, come sit by me. Come on," Lindsey smiled, trying to sound as sexy as she could.
Begrudgingly Brian took a seat next to Lindsey directly across from Justin. The latern sat in the middle of the semi-circle, illuminating the room. Susan had clamored next to Justin and was currently trying to coax him to kiss her. Smirking, Brian watched the two. Turning his head into her with her hand, Susan smiled, leaning in with her mouth open to kiss Justin.
It wasn’t the same. The second kiss of his life in the last two weeks and it wasn’t the same as Brian’s kiss. It was fumbling and wet, smacking against his mouth...tongue protruding and intruding. No, it wasn’t the same at all.
Lindsey took this time to move into Brian. She placed her hand near his groin and rubbed. Reaching for the bottle again, Brian drank. He watched Susan’s hand curling in the boy’s hair. Hearing her whispers, listening to her moans and then watched as she moved her hand down to his groin area. When Justin’s eyes caught his, they stared for what seemed like an eternity. Then, when Lindsey gripped his dick garnering his attention to her, Brian threw his head back, exhaling then launching himself at her.
Like any good party at the age of thirteen, the make out session was full on. Brian was just about incoherent from the large amounts of whiskey he drank from the quart bottle but Justin was stone sober and wishing he wasn’t. Taking a break from the tongue mauling he was getting from Susan, Justin reached over, grabbed the bottle and took a large gulp. Brian and Lindsey were now laying down and her hand was inside his jeans. Justin continued to swig, watching Brian. His eyes were closed and he lay there while she furiously moved her hand inside. Susan kept trying to move into Justin again. Kept trying to continue but he held her off, telling her he needed to catch his breath.
Justin couldn’t understand. Why would Brian be with Lindsey if he was a homo? He thought he liked boys...he said he was a queer and he saw them. The look Brian had in the shower house was just like the one Brian was wearing upon him now. Eyes closed, mouth open, breathing erratic.
Glancing at his watch, he saw that it was 1215am. Listening to the quiet, amidst the moans and laughs from Brian and Lindsey, Justin reached for the bag of weed that lay next to the latern. Pulling a joint from the bag, he lit it and inhaled. Coughing insued, but the burn flew through him, relaxing him.
Hearing the coughing, Brian raised up, pushing Lindsey’s hand away. He’d been close but the sound had jarred him from his orgasmic haze. Raising up on his elbows, he watched Justin inhaling. "I'd take it easy if I were you," he said.
Biting back a cough, Justin spat, "Fuck off. I know what I’m doing."
"Okay, your funeral. So, share the wealth," Brian replied, holding his hand out to retrieve the roach. As Justin handed it to him, he felt Brian’s thumb graze his and quickly looked up to catch the smoldering eyes.
Since the joint was gone, Justin reached for the bottle wanting to occupy his hands. If they were idle he might have to feel up Susan again and that wasn’t what he’d wanted to occupy his hands with. He wanted it to be his hand inside Brian’s jeans. His hand moving furiously over Brian’s penis...his hand illiciting those moans and making his eyes roll back. God, this weed is seriously making him crazy. Delusional even. Funny how Brian had thought the same thing while laying on the floor. Wishing it was another blonde who rubbed against him, kissing him.
"So Brian, the dance is coming up."
"Mm," Brian replied, reaching into the bag for another joint.
"Well, are we gonna go?"
"What the fuck else are we supposed to do? It’s not like we can get out of that bullshit."
"Maybe we could all go together? What do you say, Justin?" Susan smiled.
Laying back on the quilt,"Whatever."
"Well, you all may be going together, but I’m going by myself. My friend Mikey’s coming and I want to hang out with him."
"Brian! You asshole, you promised!"
"Lindsey, quit being such a bitch. And, I never promised you anything."
"But, I thought since we,"
Shutting this down quickly, Brian glanced at Justin who was practically oblivious to his surroundings. Noticed the boy’s slack body across the room, shirt bunched up over the waist of his cargo shorts, spread tight against his chest, pale, soft smooth skin. "You thought wrong. So, Sunshine- you gonna be a good little boyfriend and escort your new girlfriend to the dance?"
Leaning back on his elbows now, Justin was completely relaxed. His pupils were dilated and he was squinting, trying to bring the two Brians he saw back to one. One Brian was bad enough even if he was beautiful lying there with his jeans unbuttoned and his bangs falling over his eyes. That mouth, God, what is it with that mouth? "Huh?"
Laughing, "Somebody’s stoned."
They smoked the rest of the roach and as much as she tried, Brian wasn’t interested so Lindsey abruptly said they were leaving. To Susan’s dismay, they were going back to their cabin. Lindsey was pissed...this hadn’t turned out how she imagined. Brian had shut down, wanting nothing more to do with her now that the bottle was empty. As Susan waved goodbye to an almost comatose Justin, Brian waved them off.
About thirty minutes later, Justin shot up out of his drug and alcohol induced sleep. Not realizing where he was, he took in the dimly lit boat house and saw Brian sitting across from him smoking a cigarette, staring at him.
"What time is it?"
Shrugging, "About 2 or so."
"We should get back."
Nodding, "Probably."
"What’s wrong? Is there something wrong?" Justin asked, studying Brian’s quiet demeanor.
Glancing at Justin, "No. Let’s go."
Turning out the latern, they picked up the cigarette butts and looked around for anything that would signal late night interlopers and walked out into the early morning moonlight.
As they walked in silence, Justin asked what he’d been wanting to ask, "Hey, I thought you were. I mean, how come you were doing all that with Lindsey if you’re, you know?"
Stopping in his tracks, Brian whipped around. "What?"
"I mean, you said you were...queer."
"And?"
"And? So, why’d you do that with her?"
"It’s nothing. I was horny and she wanted to jerk me off. No big deal. A hand is just a hand as a mouth is just a mouth."
"I don’t understand."
"Right. Like Ben hasn’t been showing you that."
"What?" Justin cried out, astonished. "I’m not doing anything with Ben!"
"Whatever. Look, I’ve seen the way you and him act together. How he’s always coming by to see you."
"That doesn’t mean anything. We’re just friends- he’s my counselor. Are you jealous or something?"
Brian stopped and looked at Justin. Took in his eyes, his body leaning against the tree, "Hardly."
Hmph. "Besides, I like Daphne."
Laughing, Brian asked, "Daphne? You’ve got to be kidding me!"
"What?"
"You're so lame. Daphne’s a dyke."
"A what?"
"You know, she’s queer too."
"No she’s not!"
"Yes, she is. God, you really are dumb aren’t you? For all those smarts you say you have, you’re ignorant as shit."
"She likes me! We paint together and draw and talk and stuff. If she was queer, I’d know it."
"Okay, fine. But, haven’t you ever seen her with Melanie?"
"Yeah, so? They’re friends."
"Exactly. Real close friends."
Brian, tiring of this bullshit, started walking again with Justin lagging behind. He was deep in thought and when he looked up, Brian was nowhere in sight. Fuck. It’s dark and he’s in the woods all alone now. Where the fuck did he go? Calling out softly, "Brian?" Hearing nothing but the sordid scary sounds that the woods seem to make, he stopped. "Brian? Brian!"
Justin heard some wood cracking and ran behind a tree. His heart was beating through his chest and his breathing became rapid. Not a good time for this crap. He tried to calm himself but his imagination got away from him and visions of hockey-masked, bat wielding, freaks of nature ran rampant through his mind. Quickly shutting his eyes and covering his ears, he crouched down the base of the tree, rocking back and forth to will the fear and anxiety away. It was then that he felt someone’s grip on his arm, pulling him up. Oh god!
"What’s the matter with you? I can’t leave you alone for one second!"
Hearing Brian’s voice, Justin exhaling his held breath opened his eyes, "I’m so glad it’s you."
Rolling his eyes and shaking his head, "Who else is it gonna be?"
"You left me."
"You’re too slow. I turned around and you weren’t behind me. I should have just kept on but knowing you, you’d find a hole to fall into."
Looking away, Justin wrenched his arm from Brian. "Sorry I’m such an inconvenience."
As Brian took in Justin’s embarrassment, he relaxed. Michael was afraid of the dark as well. "Whatever. Can we go now?"
"I have to pee."
Hand on hip, Brian stood while the Justin trudged over behind a tree. He lit a cigarette while waiting. When Justin came back, he noticed the cigarette. "You know, you really shouldn’t smoke. It’s bad for you."
"Everything’s bad for you. So what?"
"Just saying is all."
"Well, don’t bother yourself about it. You don’t like me anyways, right?"
Watching Brian flick the butt and seeing the way his body stood there, "Right."
"So, is Susan a good kisser?"
"Okay, I guess. I’ve had better." Not really but he’s not telling him that.
Laughing, "Really?"
"Yes! God, why are you always so mean to me? You think you’re so cool because smoke and you’re a good soccer player and you’re..."
"I’m what?"
"Nothing, forget it."
"Come on Sunshine, what were you going to say? Spit it out," Brian drawled, moving closer to Justin and in turn, Justin backed away from him into a tree. Soon, Justin was pinned against the tree, looking anywhere but at Brian.
Closer. Closer still. "Don’t."
"Don’t what? I’m not doing anything."
"Just stay back, okay?" Justin pushed, not wanting Brian any closer for fear of what he may want. Or of what Justin may want as well.
Face to face, Brian brushed the leaves out of Justin’s hair, staring into his eyes.
"I make you nervous, don’t I?"
"No!"
Tongue in cheek, the ever present smirk,"Then why won’t you look me in the eye?"
"No reason, okay?"
"There's a reason, believe me."
"Oh yeah? And why's that smart ass?"
"I think it's because you like me."
"No!"
Eyes lit up, mouth drawn into an unbelievable smile, "I think you do like me even though you don’t want to." Tracing circles on Justin’s stomach with his hand, Brian moved closer in, blocking out all space between them.
"I’m just confused. You’re confusing me and I’m drunk or something."
"I’d say ‘or something’. What’s to be confused about or have you found the answer to your question?"
"I’m not," Justin replied, whispering even though no one could hear. Brian leaned in closer, rubbing Justin’s cheek.
"Your eyes are so blue," Brian whispered, moving his hand to grip the back of Justin’s neck. Keeping his hand there, he waited.
It’s like he couldn’t stand it if they didn’t touch. He wanted to be close to Brian. Feel his breath in his face again, feel his hands on him, touching him. No matter what his mind said, his body and the pounding in his heart told him he wanted this.
Justin pressed forward to gain contact with Brian’s body. Looking up, taking in Brian’s face and feeling his grip on his neck, his hand moved to Brian’s back...pushing him impossibly closer.
Brian then leaned into Justin’s neck, rubbing his cheek and nose into the crease, smelling the scent of fresh, soaped skin mixed with the night air while his hand gripped, then released the nape of Justin’s neck.
Whispering in his ear, Brian told Justin how hot he thought he was. How soft his skin was, how much he wanted to kiss him. How hard he made him and that he wanted to touch him...please, let me touch you. You’ll like it...it’s awesome...it’s so fucking good. And all this was getting to Justin. Feeling Brian press into him, his breath on his neck, those words telling him what he’d fantasized about hearing. Fantasized late at night about, inside his cabin as he looked up to see Brian’s lanky sleeping form. Leaning into Brian’s face, Justin nuzzled his cheek and moved his hand from Brian’s back to his stomach, rubbing...touching.
Brian then leaned in, kissing Justin's lips, pushing his tongue through the half open lips, licking and swirling, basting. Stopping for a breath, Brian held Justin's cheek, moving his nose over his, "Have you had better than that?" he rasped, licking those lips again. When Justin didn't respond, Brian leaned in again, more forceful this time and smiled when he felt Justin grab the back of his head, twisting his fingers in his hair urging Brian on.
Slouching down Justin’s body, Brian came to rest upon his knees with his face against Justin’s stomach. Slinking his hand up, pushing the Tshirt higher, exposing the pale skin once again, Brian licked, sighing. Looking up, Brian whispered, "It's about to get better."
He finally had him where he wanted him. Couldn’t deny the feelings that Justin illicited in him. Watching the boy, catching glimpses of him in the shower while he was unawares. Steamed with jealousy while Ben pawned and preened all about Justin. Lying in bed at night, the smell of Justin still swarming over him from that brief few minutes...the feel of his mouth on his. Lips so soft, so unlike Jason’s.
Moving his tongue around Justin’s stomach as Justin took in a sharp breath. Looking down at the boy in front of him, he felt as Brian pulled down the zipper of his shorts and moved his hand inside. Touching him. Pulling him, all the while, moving his face further closer. When he felt it, Brian’s tongue on his dick, he jumped back, scratching his back on the tree bark. Perching on his toes, his hands sought something to hold on to, to grip, to steady himself.
Brian’s head was bobbing now, his mouth was so tight and warm and his tongue was all over. His hand rose to caress Justin’s chest, moving his Ttshirt higher as Brian’s hand found his nipples.
He’d never felt this. Never. Even when he’d jerk himself off with the nudie mags it was never like this. When he’d fantasize about Daphne it was never like this. True, his fantasies were more of the ‘getting married and having children and leaving every morning for work kind of thing’, but nothing like this.
It was as if Brian was taking a part of him, stealing something from him that was precious. Only, it couldn’t be described as theft since he was willingly giving it away. Brian began to pinch his nipples, moaning as his tongue and mouth laved attention. The suction was so great, so tight it almost hurt but he’d give anything to feel this hurt every second for the rest of his life. Suddenly, he felt euphoria rising through his body and it was an uncontrollable urge. His toes tingled and his mouth was suddenly dry then watering and then, then...OH MY GOD!
Justin couldn’t believe this incredible feeling. That intense, heart pounding, chest heaving, blood rushing, feeling. And now it was over. Brian, still on his knees, licking the remnants of him, rubbing his stomach, murmuring soft unintelligible things against his skin. Reaching down, Justin caressed Brian’s cheek to gain his attention and those eyes shone up at him. Smiling, he reached towards his shoulder, pulling him up. Brian, slinking up Justin’s body, still breathing heavily, hadn’t wanted to move from his spot.
"Good, huh?"
"It’s...God, it was!"
Laughing, "Yeah, I told you."
The quiet encompassing them, Brian reached to grab the back of Justin’s neck pulling their foreheads together. Smiling to the beat of his racing heart, "That was really hot."
"Yeah, no wonder you like Jason," the blond said hurriedly.
Brian noticed the flushed face, taking in the way that Justin slightly cowered, trying to cover himself by hugging his arms, indicating embarrassment or shyness but most probably with Justin, self consciousness. The boy lacked self esteem even though he seemed the biggest, most self assured snot in all of Pennsylvania. Probably due to the sheltered disgustingly rich life, Brian noted.
Not one to give compliments and praise, Brian realized that this would be a good time to reassure the boy that his earlier statement of receptacles clearly did not apply at this juncture, "Jason? No, I mean we were hot. With you. I liked it *with* you. Alot," Brian whispered.
His heart going kerplunk straight to his toes, bottoming to the ground, Justin felt an almost allergic reaction to the situation, not unlike hives caused by nervousness. Starting to shake, he hugged Brian to him, needing the closeness and the warmth.
Justin smiled and then realized that he was buck naked from the waist down with his cargos pooling at his feet. His body shivered where Brian hadn’t blanketed him and the bit of his own semen that splattered upon his navel that Brian hadn’t caught was now cooling in the morning air.
Brian, watching Justin’s eyes darting back and forth from his face to his own body, couldn’t help but hug the boy to him. Allowing Justin to gain some self composure, Brian backed away, releasing his hold from Justin’s hips but first pressing a chaste kiss to his lips. "Let’s go, we gotta get back."
Feeling Brian retreat from him Justin stammered, "Oh, okay." Reaching down to pull up his shorts and push his shirt down, Justin adjusted, taking a deep breath trying to calm his nerves. What he’d just done. What they’d done together! Flashing back to the night in the showers, watching Brian’s face in ecstasy...he wondered if he’d looked like that. He sure felt that. And more.
On the walk back, Brian leading with Justin at his side, he was torn. And fucked, in his honest opinion. He truly liked Justin-everything about him. From his blue eyes and dorky glasses, the beaming smile and white teeth to the way he flushed red with embarrassment at the drop of a dime when Brian would shock him, telling him some ridiculous or ludicrous story just to see his reaction. Brian loved Justin’s pretty face and slight body. His lips, how they were so full and red. How he blushed, whimpered and moaned when Brian touched him or when Brian caught him staring at him and Justin, in haste, fled or not so nonchalantly tried to look away.
But, with all these feelings for Justin...how he just wanted to be close to him and hold him and touch him...be with him, he was having a hard time acclimating himself to these feelings. As much as he’d wanted Jason to feel this way about him, God Jason- how quickly he’d forgotten about him-he’d paid no mind to himself feeling like this for someone. Only wanting love and affection and feelings showered upon him, craving it almost. Sure, Mikey showed him and told him how much he loved him-it was different though, he didn’t love Michael back the way he loved him.
Brian didn’t know how to love someone or care for them other than kicking someone’s ass in defense, offering a crying shoulder to Mikey, listening to them and just being there...but this was way different. What he felt for Justin was so very different than anything he’d ever felt and it amazed him that in such a short time, he world had been turned upside down. The boy was obviously a mess. Allergic to everything, a walking punching bag, rude and overtly snotty disposition...but still, he was so likeable and most importantly, very cute. No matter how hard Brian had tried to shake him from his thoughts, he was like glue. He'd gotten to Brian in a big way...burst in without ever knowing it.
Brian didn’t know how to love someone or what to do with these feelings and thoughts hammering in his head and heart. He was pissed at himself for the things that flew out of his mouth, when he was with Justin. For the way he always kept an eye out, how he watched the boy in rapt fascination and lust. He was pissed, angry and confused and conflicted but it wouldn’t keep him from Justin...he needed him and wanted this, no matter how it tore at him.
But he did know one thing for sure. He didn’t want to feel any of this.
To fill Brian’s silence Justin jabbered away as they made their way back to Cabin 11.
Getting into their beds, Justin smiled up at Brian as he watched him skim off his shirt, throwing it to the floor. "Goodnight," he whispered.
Rolling over to his side, leaning his head on his elbow, Brian smiled despite his conflicted feelings, "Night." Watching Justin roll over to face the wall, Brian continued to watch the boy until he heard his breathing steady to sleep.
Across the room, Mark was awake. Watching. And Brian knew it.
The next week or so was good between them and so were the nights. They snuck out returning to the boat house when they could to lie together, kissing, touching and talking to one another without constraint. Learning more about each other, Brian eased off his rant about Justin being a rich boy even though Justin had money, his life wasn’t happy and now Brian knew why. Maybe they weren't so different after all.
Justin told him about Matthew, about how he was his only friend, the only one who understood him and how he’d lost him. Justin recounted his devastation to Brian and Brian understood completely. If he’d ever lost Mikey, Brian knew he’d be lost himself.
"I can't wait for you to come over, spend the night at my house. Is it far from where you live?"
Watching the light, Brian replied, "Not too far, just across town."
"We'll have so much fun! I have a pool and we can ride horses if you like or play video games. Whatever you want."
Smiling, Brian daydreamed of days and nights spent in luxury at Justin's house. The hired help waiting on him for a change. Swimming in the pool, hanging out, no one there to bother you...just being a kid. With Justin.
Together around the latern, with the blanket over them, Justin timidly asked Brian what had been on his mind. "So, are we like boyfriends now?"
Snickering, Brian turned his head to Justin. Staring at the boy, he watched the nervousness come into Justin’s features. "What? Are you serious? You want to go to the dance together or something?"
"Matthew and I were boyfriends."
Rolling his eyes, Brian sarcastically remarked,"You and Matthew were playmates not boyfriends."
"That's not true! I loved him and he loved me."
"Yeah well, Matthew is dead. Look what it got him," Brian pushed.
Eyes wide, Justin jumped up, "Why do you do that? How come you have to be this asshole all the time?"
Looking up at Justin, "I’m sorry I said that...I didn't mean it. Come here. Come on," Brian replied, reaching out his hand to Justin. Taking it, Justin sat back down next to Brian.
Rocking against him, Brian tried to smile at him, grinning, "Give me a kiss."
Justin cut his eyes to Brian, lying down, angry. "You wish."
Rolling to his side, Brian propped his head upon his elbow, reaching over to turn Justin’s face to his. "Justin, don’t you understand? We’re supposed to be with girls...fuck girls and then grow up, have kids and then die. Nothing else. Boys, men, don't do that with each other...at least they don't let people know it."
"You act like you don't care at all when you're with Jason. And the way you talk...how come now with me, it's a secret. Are you ashamed of being with me?"
"No, stupid. I don't want you to get hurt or have to go through what I go through, have been through."
"Oh, you think I'm weak and can't take it?"
"Yes, I do.."
"Yes you do, what? You think I'm weak?"
"Yeah."
"God, I hate you sometimes! I don't know why I even bother. You're such an asshole. One minute you're on me and the next you seem repulsed."
"It's not like that. God, you're so stupid! I'm can't be your boyfriend Justin, not the way you want us to be. But, we are friends, okay? Good friends. And, when we're together, we're together. But it's not anyone's fucking business what we do. Do you understand? It's this way for a reason."
" You're the one that came after me! And, now I have to just turn it off? Be someone else?"
"Oh, like you didn't want it!"
"I didn't say I didn't but God...It’s not fair. My life is so fucked up."
"Yeah, well whose isn’t? It’s the way it is and nobody said it was fair."
"Whatever, this sucks."
"Look, I wouldn’t be here with you if I didn’t want to. I like you too, so stop being an idiot. But, I don’t like getting the shit kicked out of me Justin! And you shouldn’t either. We have to be careful Justin," he replied.
Brian was anything but ashamed, and this pained him to tell Justin to stymie what he was. But enough beatings and being around enough to know how it was, Brian knew it was best to keep some things hidden.
Jealous and insecure, "I heard Jason tapping on the window last night. How come you didn’t go with him?"
Huffing, lying on his back to stare at the ceiling, "I didn’t feel like it."
Pushing the matter, Justin droned on. "Since when?"
"Drop it, okay?" Brian spat, lighting a cigarette.
While Brian smoked his cigarette, Justin lie there, watching. Seeing how the light cast their shadows upon the wooden walls, Justin wished for his sketchbook or something to do with his idle hands. He knew what Brian was saying was true...it made sense. But he wouldn't feel ashamed of how he felt.
Closing his eyes, Justin listened to Brian’s breath and the creaking of the dock in the distance, hearing the water lap against the rocks. Feeling Brian’s hand on his cheek, he opened his eyes.
"Don’t fall asleep on me," Brian smiled.
"Well, while you’re killing yourself one cigarette at a time, I’m bored."
"You need something to do?"
Laughing, Justin smiled, "Maybe."
Reaching for his hand, Brian pulled Justin flush against him. "Touch me. Jerk me off."
Moving his hand under the blanket, Justin reached for Brian’s shorts. Opening the fly, he snaked his hand in through the hole of Brian’s boxers. Feeling the warm, slightly hard penis, Justin stroked.
"God, that feels so good. Yeah, slower. Like that," Brian, whispering as his lids fluttered, hiding his eyes. His mouth slack, deep breaths causing his chest to rise and fall at a rapid pace. "Justin," he whispered.
Moving closer, Justin placed his other hand at Brian’s mouth, grazing his lips with the pads of his fingers. Brian’s tongue flicked out at the touch on his lips, licking then latching onto Justin’s fingers with his teeth.
Watching how Brian’s hands curled at his side, gripping the blanket, beating on the floor, reaching out blindly for purpose, Justin urged him on, "Come on. Feels good...you look so good Brian." Grasping Justin’s arm, Brian’s eyes shot open as he came, words tumbling out of his mouth, "Yes! Christ!" Justin continued to stroke until Brian almost cried out, milking the come from him, rubbing his fingers in it, swirling it over Brian’s taut stomach, then leaning over to lick the swirls away with his tongue. Almost unintelligible, Brian murmured through his breath, whispering to himself, "Justin, love you."
Shaking himself out of his haze, sitting up quickly, Brian pounced on Justin, pulling down his shorts, taking his dick in his hand, roughly jerking him off. Leaning down to swipe a lick and suckle him, Justin exploded all over his belly then Brian lapped some of it up, kissing Justin.
Pulling apart, with Brian looming over him, "Brian, I-"
Shaking his head, "Don’t. Don’t say it," Brian replied, moving away from Justin, and pulling his pants up.
Still lying there, Justin watched and waited as Brian shut down completely. Just a minute ago, there was so much there in his eyes, dancing in the flickering flame. Whispered murmurings of what Brian felt for Justin came out when they were together, but if Justin tried to repeat them at audible level, Brian admonished him- trying to deny what he uttered and felt, almost shaming Justin. It seemed that if Justin repeated aloud what Brian had thought and couldn’t help letting escape then all would be lost.
On their way back to the cabin, Jason spied them coming through the woods on his way to their cabin. He’d wanted to catch up with Brian, having missed him the last few nights but he was never around or didn’t answer his knocking on the window. He stood there, watching as they walked away and he didn't like the feeling he felt, hoping he wasn't being replaced. Even though Brian was 13, almost 14, and Jason was 17, Brian didn't look or act his age. And, Jason had started to like Brian the more they were together.
The next morning in the cafeteria, the boys were in line for breakfast. Pushing Justin ahead of him in line, they piled their plates with eggs and sausages and toast. Stopping at the milk and juice, Justin grabbed four glasses with his hands and asked Brian to take his tray to the table for him while he retrieved their juice. While Justin poured, Brian walked to a table carrying both trays not paying attention to where he was walking. About the time he noticed Mark and his other cabin mates, Brian was going down, trays and all. In a heap on the floor with the littered trays and morning breakfast around him, amidst the laughter and shocked faces, Brian grabbed his ankle in pain. Mark and his buddies took this moment to leave the café before they were noticed as the culprits. "Payback’s a bitch," Mark spat, looking down at Brian and laughing.
"You motherfucker!" Brian shouted in pain as he watched them slink off. Trying to get himself up, wincing from the pain and swelling, Ben and Jason came over and tried to help. Justin ran over to see what caused the commotion, noticing Brian being helped up by Jason.
"Brian! What happened?" Justin screeched, coming to stand next to him, holding his arm.
Noticing the look of sheer terror in the boys eyes, Brian looked away. "I tripped."
"You tripped? Are you sure? Did someone do this? Did Mar-"
Cutting his eyes to Justin in admonishment, silencing him, "I said I tripped!" Better it was Brian than Justin, in his mind.
Justin, starting to continue, stopped at Brian’s eyes. "Here, lean on me," he said, grabbing Brian’s hand away from Jason’s grasp. Pulling Brian’s arm over his shoulder, he moved Brian to the table, setting him down gently.
Ben and Jason both noticed the closeness between the boys. Days before they’d been merely two patrons at camp, not the close friends they appeared to be now. Ben was a little surprised at how Justin took to Brian’s side, remembering in their talks how Justin expressed dislike for Brian. How he thought he was so cool- he smoked and that was just gross-he was gruff and treated Justin like shit.
And Jason noticed how Brian’s eyes wouldn’t meet his. How Justin gripped Brian’s waist while easing him down with Brian leaning against him. Having seen them last night, remembered how Brian complained and bitched about some prima donna in his cabin who should be living in a plastic bubble rather than off at camp in the woods. Constantly bitching about how the little blond was fey and how accident prone he was. The blond boy was one in the same from last night.
Yes, things had dramatically changed between them seemingly overnight.
"You need to go to the nurse, Brian," Justin said, swiping Brian’s hair out of his face.
Flinching from the intimate contact, Brian spat, "Fuck that. I need a bandage and some ice. This is nothing! I’ve had worse."
Recoiling from Brian’s anger and dismissal of him, Justin replied barely above a whisper, "I’ll go get it for you. Be right back." As he walked up to the line, to ask the Cafeteria Lady for a bag of ice, he looked back and saw Jason gathering Brian up, taking him out of the café. Brian’s arm was draped over Jason’s shoulder and Jason’s hands were now holding Brian, touching him...gripping him and holding him close. Swallowing the horrible feeling, Justin bucked up as the woman handed him the bag of ice. Turning around, he practically bumped into Ben.
Standing face to face, Ben hesitantly spoke, "Jason took him to the cabin."
Looking in the direction they had gone, "Yeah, I saw. I got the ice."
Nodding, Ben replied, "Come on, I’ll walk you." They retrieved the ACE bandages from the nurses station and walked back to cabin row.
Along the way Ben tried to make small talk with Justin. "So, how’s the painting coming along?"
Not too talkative at the moment, Justin exhaled, "Good. It’s fine."
"You know, you really are talented Justin."
Turning his head to look at Ben, Justin smiled at the easiness. "Thanks Ben. That’s nice of you."
"You know, Brian'll be alright. Don’t think he’ll be playing soccer in the tournament, but he’ll be okay."
"God, that’ll kill him!"
"Wow, you two seem pretty close now. When did this all happen? Just the other day you couldn’t stand him," Ben inquired, his jealousy eeking out.
"It wasn’t like that. Oh, he’s okay. He’s actually kind of sweet once you get to know him."
"Brian? Sweet? If you say so," Brian shrugged in disbelief.
Stopping in front of the cabin, Justin stood in front of Ben. "Well, here we are. I’ll wrap his foot up and stay with him to make sure he elevates it. It looked swollen already."
Nodding, Ben steeled himself as he was being blown off. "Yeah, okay. So, are you going to come by the studio tonight?"
"Oh, I don’t know. I think Brian needs me."
Squaring his jaw at the dismissal, "Okay. So, see you later? If you need anything or if Brian needs anything, you know where I am."
Waving Ben off, anxious to get into see Brian, "Okay. Bye Ben. And thanks."
Walking up the steps, Justin peered in and saw Brian at his bed. With Jason. Jason was helping Brian remove his jeans. Justin moved out of sight, his arrival unknown.
"Here, lean into me," Jason asked, holding Brian’s hip. Slinking the jeans off his left leg, Jason rearranged himself to Brian’s right side to get the other leg off.
Brian wincing in pain, clung to Jason.
"Sorry I didn’t come by to get you last night," Jason whispered, knowing that he had indeed come by, wanting to judge Brian’s reaction.
"No big deal."
His heart pounding, wondering if he should be watching this, but unable to tear himself away, Justin stayed and listened.
"I really wanted to see you, but I had this thing," said Jason as they stood together with Brian in his boxers. Rubbing his hand down Brian’s arm, "I missed you."
Moving out of his touch, Brian replied, "Yeah."
Not liking being shone up by a little blond 13 year old, "What’s the matter?"
"Nothing, my fucking ankle is killing me. I need to sit down."
"This ones empty?" Jason asked, pointing to the bottom bunk, knowing Brian slept in the top.
Brian, wondering where the hell Justin was with his ice and wrap, "Yeah, it’s empty."
"Here, I’ll make up the bed for you."
"No, that’s okay. Justin'll do it for me. He should be here any minute," Brian replied, trying to get Jason to leave.
"What’s the deal with you two? You told me you hated him and called him a little sissy. And now you’re all tight? What, is he like your boyfriend now or something?"
Rolling his eyes, Brian was getting tired of this. "Shut up Jason! Look, can you just go now? I’m fine but I need to lie down."
Motioning Brian to the bed, Jason moved him as gently as he could, maneuvering Brian down. Standing up, Jason grabbed Brian’s sheets and blanket, bringing them down and covering Brian. As Brian lie there, his eyes to the door, waiting for Justin, Jason moved his hand underneath the covers. Rubbing Brian’s crotch through the thin boxers, "Does that feel good? I’ll make it up to you for missing last night."
"Stop Jason. Come on, leave me alone."
"It’ll take your mind off the pain. Relax, I know you like this. You love it."
As much as Brian wanted Jason to leave, he couldn’t stop himself from relaxing into his touch, rubbing and pulling, stroking his dick. His whole body shut down, his ankle throbbing but the pleasure was almost drowning it out.
"Yeah, there it is. I know how to make you feel good...better than he can," Jason whispered as Brian began to lick his lips, throwing his head back on the pillow. In his mind he knew he shouldn’t be doing this, shouldn’t like Jason’s touch...but it was too much.
As Justin stood outside the door, not hearing any voices, he dared to come in. He felt horrible for eavesdropping and hated himself even more when he heard Brian tell Jason that he would fix up his bed for him. Chancing it, he opened the screen door, silently shutting it so as not to let it slam. Eyes cast to the floor, with bag of melting ice and wrap in hand, he walked briskly over to their bunks.
Looking up, he saw Jason and Brian in bed. Saw Brian’s body under the sheet, with Jason leaning over him, kissing him. Shocked and hurt, Justin cleared his throat.
Brian’s eyes flew open and the realization that Justin was there, seeing he and Jason caused him to come, unavoidably and regrettably. Jason, smirking, turned to see Justin’s eyes tearing up, wanting for him to see them together, staking his claim.
"Justin," Brian rasped, in shock.
"I see you’re feeling better. You’re such a liar!" Justin shouted, throwing the bag of ice and bandage at them, hitting Jason in the back. Turning quickly to get out of the cabin, Justin heard Brian call after him. Yelling for him to come back...but he did not. He also heard Jason laughing. Throwing the screen door open he ran. He stopped when he saw Ben.
After Justin ran out, Brian pushed Jason off of him and tried to get up to go after him. Remembering his ankle, he winced in pain, falling back into bed. After a few attempts, Jason backed off of trying to appease Brian. "Get the fuck out of here, Jason!"
"What’s the big deal?"
"Did you have to laugh at him? Asshole! He hates me now. Happy?"
"Actually, I am. He’s a kid Brian. Why’d you want a scrawny little kid over someone like me?"
"Jason, he’s my age. So, if he’s a kid then so am I. And, for that matter, why would someone like you want someone some ‘little kid’ like me?"
"You’re far from being a little kid or was I dreaming it was you blowing me in the showers?"
"Well, that’s over now."
"Seriously? Over that?" Jason exclaimed, pointing in the direction Justin had fled.
"Just go."
"Huh. That's a shame. Ben likes him though...doubt he'll wait around for you if Ben's there to mend his little broken heart."
Brian refused to look at him so Jason left in a huff.
When Justin ran into Ben at the docks, his face was flushed and the tears that he had tried to prevent ran freely down his face. Ben caught his arm, stopping him and whipping him around, each facing one another.
Taking in Justin’s face and demeanor, "Justin, are you okay? What’s going on? Did something happen?"
Steadying himself and refusing to cow to the situation, "No. I’m not okay. But, I will be." Defiant as always, Justin reached up, pulling Ben’s face to his, kissing him. In plain site. Broad daylight.
Quickly breaking apart, pushing his hands onto Justin’s chest and backing away, "What are you doing, Justin?"
Crestfallen and yet another rejection, Justin steeled himself, slapping his hands to his side. Defeat. The agony. He began to cow. Turning, "Sorry."
Ben watched Justin turn and start off in the direction of the woods. "Hey, wait up." Catching up with the boy, Ben stopped him, wiping away the errant tears. "Are you okay?"
"Do you care?"
"Of course I care Justin. But, you can’t do that. We can’t do that here."
"Right. Of course. My mistake. Someone might see us- how stupid of me to forget. Sorry," Justin smiled falsely and continued walking, wrenching his arm out of Ben’s grasp.
Reaching out again, Ben walked briskly to catch up with Justin. "Hey, it’s not that!. Yeah, someone might see us. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want it."
Halting at Ben’s words, Justin turned. "Do you? Really?" Afraid to smile, afraid to feel happiness...just glad someone might really want *him* for once.
Smiling, "Yes, I do. But, one question."
Looking away, his eyes catching the clouds passing by on this beautiful summer day, "It’s over."
Watching Justin’s avoidance to eye contact, he took in the boy’s full appearance. Shoulders slumped, teary eyed, flushed cheeks, ruddy face from exhaustion, more probably, a broken heart. "Wanna talk about it?"
"No."
"Alright then. Come on, we’ll go to the studio."
"Okay."