It’s been about seven or eight months since Brian and I have broken up. Well, that is a lie...it has been seven months, two days and four hours, to be exact. Seven long and trying months, but we are actually at a crossroads right now. We slowly became friends. Being friends with Brian Kinney has its ups and downs. Alot of downs, actually. But, it is the one thing I cherish very deeply. I have learned alot about Brian. Things I never knew, things I would never have known, had we continued the way we were. It’s refreshing, it’s complicated, it’s relentless. Well, it’s Brian.
Ethan and I only lasted a month and a half. Who am I kidding? It was over before it started. It was pacification. Getting my needs met. Brian always said that there was nothing wrong with getting your needs met, right? I never loved Ethan, just the idea. Not the idea of him mind you…of what he professed. The profession of love infinite, the sweet tender moments, and nothing left unsaid. That is what I needed. Communication. Brian and I had our tongues cut out. Our eyes blindfolded and our hands tied behind our backs. The only time we 'communicated' was when I was flat on my back, feet behind my ears and he was drilling into me. Not that that was bad...but "I love fucking you", only goes so far. Right?
So, let me get you up to speed on the lives and times of Brian Kinney and Justin Taylor. Like I said, Ethan and I broke up. I broke it off before he won the Heifitz; I was gone long before. I didn't go running back to Brian. It wasn't like that. I had to make it on my own, be alone for a while. To see if I could do it, you know? I never stopped loving Brian…never. But, I didn't like him anymore, and that is still hard for me to admit. I admired him and leaned on him for his courage and magnitude, but he had become cumbersome to me, to my psyche. And, that is just something that I wasn't willing to do anymore. I had enough burdens, I didn't need my lover to provide more weight to my load. But we slowly became friends...very slowly.
"Hey Boy Wonder, how was work?" Michael asked Justin as he walked over to join him and Ted and Emmett.
"Great, as usual. I am working on this really cool sign for the new record store on 6th street. Have you seen it? It’s supposed to be vintage. Vintage Vinyl, that’s the name of the store. Anyways, they gave me free reign," Justin replied, ordering a beer.
"Moving up, huh? You sure you still want to consort with the likes of us lowlifes now?" Ted asked.
"Never stopped me before. We hate it when our friends become successful, eh Ted?" Justin laughed, taking a swig.
"No, I was just joking. Great, for you Justin, really great. We always knew that you would go places," Ted smiled.
Just then Brian walked in, swaggering up to the bar, sandwiching between Ted and Emmett.
"Howdy boys, " Brian drawled.
"Hey Brian," Ted, Michael and Emmett spoke.
"Don't I get a hello?" Brian asked, turning towards Justin.
"Hey Brian, how are you?" Justin asked, caught off guard.
"I'm fabulous. Buy me a drink?" Brian smiled.
"Sure, what do you want?" Justin smiled back, easing himself into the situation.
"You decide," Brian replied back and then turned away.
See, that is how it all started. The easy banter, the jovial communication between us. Mistakes were made, owned up and put away. Live only for today. Move on.
"How are the pickings tonight boys? Slim as usual?" Brian asked the men, canvassing the bar with his eyes.
"Well, since you walked in, they just got slimmer. Seeing as you always lay claim to the hottest ones first," Emmett quipped.
"They know a good thing when they see one, huh Justin?" Brian smirked and looked at Justin.
"Yeah, if they only knew what else was there, they'd run screaming...RIGHT NOW!" Justin laughed.
"Maybe so," Brian was humbled.
I knew that was coming. That little twat. Well, I couldn't resist, so he shut me down. Wonder if he would run screaming from me now? I would rather he run screaming to me, instead of away from me. No matter...that is in the past. Leave it alone Brian. It’s done, it’s over. At least I still get to see him. It’s a bitch on my cock though. Knowing Justin is just out of my reach, is the worst. I took the high road. I know why he left me. I was a shit to him. He's better off without me, probably. No...he’s definitely better off without me. But, that doesn't help me. I’m definitely not better off without him. I still want him. I still need him. I still want to lose myself in him. That’s the thing I miss the most. I forgot all my past indesretions. All my past misdeeds. I felt whole when I was with him. I still love him.
"Here you go Brian...double Beam, just like you like it," Justin said, handing Brian his drink.
Justin then walked over to the pool table to lay claim to the next game. Brian's eyes lingered after him.
Noticing the way Brian watched Justin walk away, the men all looked at each other and smiled. It was still there…after all this time…the connection between Brian and Justin.
They may act like all is cool and calm, but their friends knew better. The storm was churning and headed inland, shortly. Michael was as surprised as anyone of Brian's turnaround. He seemed broken for a while after Justin left. When Ethan and Justin broke up, things got better. Michael assumed that Brian could handle it knowing that Justin left Ethan. Not for anyone else. Not for Brian. But for Justin. Michael then assumed that Brian and Justin would get back together after that. That assumption was proven incorrect and their friends couldn't understand it. They obviously still loved each other, but the gap had widened and the rope across was too fragile. It was all a matter of time though.
Seems like someone is trying to bridge the gap right now-
"Hey, want to partner up?" Brian asked Justin, walking towards the pool table. What the fuck did I just say? I swore I’d never use that word to Justin…ever again.
"Uh, yeah, sure," Justin said, looking at Brian. Nice choice of words…did hell freeze over?
They both reached for the rack, grabbing at the same time. They had a tug of war over it, laughing and joking. Seeing Justin smiling and the brightness in his eyes was too much for Brian. He reached out and caressed Justin's cheek.
Shocked a by the heat in the touch to his cheek, Justin reared his face back and blinked. Brian just stared back and noticed the quick way Justin broke from his touch. A look of dismay and hurt crossed Brian's face momentarily. They both stood silent and waited for the awkwardness to pass. It didn't. That was the first touch in seven months, two days and now, five hours. Too much for Justin, evidently. Dropping his hand from the rack, Justin backed away from the table. He looked down and then looked over to their friends, sitting and watching the drama unfold.
"I forgot, I have something to do. Sorry...take a raincheck?" Justin stammered.
Looking dejected, Brian just rolled his lips into his mouth and tried to be cool. "Sure, no problem."
Smiling and waving goodbye to their friends, Justin looked to Brian. "It was good seeing you." He then turned and walked out. His heart was thumping. His face was red, he could tell. They had been around each other, close to each other, but never touched. That was avoided like the plague. It took great measure to avoid touching each other. But, they managed. Until now.
What the fuck just happened? Well, that's my answer. Did I expect for him to jump into my arms and say, "Take me home. Take me to the loft"? Yes, I fucking did. Things have been okay between us. Great actually. I really like him. I really find him interesting, always have, if you want to know the truth. It’s nice not to have to listen to the fucking triplets over there, drone on and on about bullshit, constantly. At least Justin has a two digit IQ, who the fuck am I kidding…it probably rivals mine! I’m being selfish I know. I make it a purpose to be around, when he is. I thought he did the same thing. I would catch him looking at me, of course, it was when I was looking at him. Fuck me...I'll never get him back.
Brian tried to shake it off and turned to the men. "Well, who is up?"
Michael lunged off his stool and came to the table. Smiling, he reached for a pool stick and said, "I'll play," and then went around to get the chalk. Brian just nodded his head. That is what he needed right at that moment from Michael…understanding and silence.
An hour or so later, the men made their way to Babylon. Brian still tricked. That was the one constant for him. Even though Justin was gone from his bed, Brian still fucked and fucked and fucked. Tonight was a special in the debauchery department. He made sure that when he left, his dick was sore. To remind him what was important. No matter what, he was still Brian Kinney.
Justin had left Woody's and went home. He was shaken. He wanted to lean into that touch and lose himself. He could so easily, looking into the hazel orbs of heaven. The long lashes fluttering, the red lips slightly open, the hint of that velvet tongue visible. His rock hard stomach and bulge in his pants...Brian oozed sex. Brian also oozed bad memories for Justin.
The game was still being played. It had been paused, at least until now, somebody came in midplay and pushed the fucking resume button. It was innocent, the touch. But, innocence, what a goodamn farce when it comes to Brian and Justin, we all know that, right?
In one split second, Justin could be on that pool table, laid out for Brian, only for Brian. Brian could be pushing himself to a higher plane, bringing them both to that higher plane. Or, back to the loft, under the blue lights, soft sheets, the coolness of the duvet, the slick, sweat soaked bodies, writhing in lust and satisfaction...more than satisfaction…more than…something.
Turning on the lights, Justin looked around his apartment. It was sparse, but it was his. He had photos of his family and his adopted family, strategically placed around. If he ever got tense or frustrated, he could look in any direction and feel content. There were pictures of Molly and Jennifer. Debbie and Vic. Melanie and Lindsey, and even ones with them and Gus. There were some of Emmett, some of Ted...well, only one with Ted. Michael and Ben and then there were pictures of Brian. Brian's pictures were in the bedroom. He had the one of he and Brian at the GLC on his nightstand. Framed drawings of Brian littered the room, like Brian’s face littered his being. He saw Brian when he went to sleep and when he woke up. To remind him what he gave up, what he walked away from, what he saved himself from and what he longed for. Brian was everywhere. Always has been, always would be.
The next day at Michael’s store, Justin was there alone. He was lost in his thoughts and didn't hear the bell chime as a patron entered. Brian sauntered over to the counter, chewing his tongue, waiting for Justin to notice him.
"Well, you made me partner up with Mikey and we lost our ass! Thanks alot," Brian spoke.
Looking up, Justin was surprised to see Brian standing in front of the counter glaring at him. The air of indifference, his superior attitude and those beatiful eyes hidden…behind his sunglasses.
"Mikey, may have lost his ass, but I highly doubt you did. You don't bottom, remember?" Justin smiled. Not one to give that prize up so easily.
"Mmm. So, what'd you have to do?" Brian replied, as indifferent as always. I bottomed only for you, Justin.
"Huh?" Justin asked. What the hell is he talking about?
"Last night. You said you forgot you had something to do. Or was it that you had someone to do?" Careful now...careful Brian. You might act like you give a shit.
"Oh, last night. Right. I, uh, I had to finish up my drawings for the next issue," Justin replied. That was a little too slow. He's going to know I am lying. He hates lies.
"Well, it’s good to see you have maintained your work ethic," Brian replied. Liar.
Justin just smiled and went back to his drawing. Feeling Brian staring at him, he looked up. "What?"
"Do you want to grab something to eat? I know you're hungry," Brian smiled.
"Sure. That sounds good. What are you up for?" Justin smiled back. He came to take me to lunch? Who is this standing in front of me?
You in my bed...right now. "Whatever, I am flexible," Brian replied.
"You are alot of things Brian Kinney. Flexible isn't one of them," Justin said, coming around the counter.
"And you're a twat. But, let's not let that come between this newfound friendship. Okay?" Brian replied, a little hurt. See, what I get for trying? Why fucking bother. I’ll tell you why. Just look at him!
They walked out, still taking punches at each other, none taken too seriously. They walked down to the Greek restaurant and sat down outside. Justin ordered two lamb gyros and Brian ordered a Greek salad.
"How's your mom?" Brian asked, sipping his lemonade. What the fuck else am I gonna ask? Come home with me, right now? Uh, yeah.
"She's fine. She actually asked about you the other day," Justin replied. My mother? That is what you came to ask me about?
"Really? Like, to see if I was dead yet? Jennifer is so sweet," Brian dripped with sarcasm. She wishes.
Laughing, Justin smiled and said, "No. She just wanted to know, had I seen you lately." She actually asked me when you and I were going to get back together. But, I ain't telling you that.
"And? What did you tell her?" Brian quizzed. I hope you told her that you see me all the time. Since, we are...friends now. I fucking hate the word 'friend' now. Funny.
"Have I seen you lately? What do you think," Justin replied.
"So, is Rage going to fuck anyone besides JT anytime soon? This domestic shit is boring," Brian smirked, drawing out the word boring for effect.
"Didn't he always?" Justin smirked back. Quid pro quo, Brian. You taught me well.
Cutting his eyes at Justin, Brian thought it better to change the subject. "I'm going to see Gus today. Wanna come?"
"Can't, I gotta work. I saw him on Thursday though. He is getting so big. He threw a tantrum when I was there, God...did he ever remind me of someone!" Justin smiled. Gus's face got so red and he huffed and started scratching his arms, like you do when you're pissed. Looking for that imaginary itch on your neck when you are nervous or frustrated.
"Well, he probably got fed up with you nagging him, like you always nagged someone else we both know," Brian shot back. I miss you nagging me. I miss you making sure that I eat. I miss you nagging me to stay home. I would stay home now, you know. You wouldn't have to nag me.
"Yeah, but you just have to rock him a while and then he calms down, like someone else we both know," Justin smiled.
"Hurry up, fat ass. I gotta go. Are you coming to Babylon tonight?" Brian asked, throwing his napkin.
"I think so, I need to call Michael to come pick me up," Justin responded.
"I can come pick you up. Just need to remind myself to put The Club in the Jeep, so my shit doesn't get jacked in your hood," Brian smiled.
"Fuck you! It isn't much, but it’s mine," Justin yelled. Yeah, it isn't The Loft On Tremont or anything! At least my place has central heat and air...it isn't the fucking North Pole your place is. Cold and fucking empty.
Knowing that he hurt Justin's feeling, Brian tried to apologize. "I'll just get you a can of mace, for a housewarming present, how's that?" Way to go Brian.
Shaking his head, Justin just waved Brian off. "Pick me up at 9 and don't make me wait around for you."
"Why would I ever do that Sunshine?" Brian replied and got up to pay the tab.
Brian paid and came back. They started walking back to the store. "I saw your drawings, they’re really good. My investment seems to be paying off. You get better and better Justin. I’m really proud of you," Brian said, genuinely.
"Thanks. That means alot. It’s all coming around now," Justin smiled, touched at the honesty and sweetness Brian was displaying.
Coming to a stop in front of the store, they both stood there. "Okay, well, I'll see you tonight then, okay?" Justin asked.
"Later. See you tonight. I gotta go get an alarm installed on the Jeep after I see Gus," Brian smiled and winked.
"Later, asshole!" Justin yelled at the back of the tall, lean form, shooting him the finger.
"I saw that!" Brian yelled, not turning around.
Later at Babylon.
Brian and Justin took the middle of the dance floor. The traded off a couple of times, but always came back to each other. The groove or the movements never seemed right with the other partners, only with them. To say that they weren't filled with a bucketful of jealousy when watching the other, with another, is an understatement. Brian and Justin didn't do a 'twinge' of anything. Of course, they worked it against each other, knowing they were causing the jealous fire that was being fueled. Something was going on.
Pushing away the trick in front of him, Brian reached out to grab Justin from the trick that was pawing all over him. I don't fucking think so.
Justin spun around into Brian. Finally, God. He is so fucking slow sometimes.
Now, they were groin to groin. Forehead to forehead. They looked into each other's eyes. Justin's hand grabbed Brian around his waist and he pressed into him tighter. Brian reared his head back and looked back down at Justin. Suddenly Brian got very shaky. What the fuck? A bad case of the butterflies. My stomach hasn't done this since that first night I saw him, fucking little twat. How the fuck does he do that? I ain't going to stand around and watch.
Brian pulled away, very slowly, watching Justin. He backed off the dancefloor, pushing off the suitors that were clammering for him. He never lost eye contact as he walked back to the bar and then turned to leave the club. Justin just stood there and watched Brian walk away, never blinking. He wasn't asking me to follow him. He wasn't asking for anything.
The next few days, Justin was very busy with work and the comic. He tried to keep his mind off Brian and the latest drama that surrounded them. He wanted so badly to be touched by Brian, but that touch scared him. Now, as he had approached Brian, he watched Brian literally recoil from his touch.
The deadline was approaching and Michael was becoming a little Hitler. Or maybe it should be Napoleon…short man’s complex, among other things. He always got that way, come deadline time.
"Justin, did you make the final proofs on the drawings? Is it ready to go to the printer?" Michael asked, breathing down Justin's neck.
"Yes, Michael. For the TENTH time, I did. I am taking it with when I leave. I’m doing the printing, so don't worry. Listen, I need Saturday night off," Justin said.
"Saturday night, why? We close at 730pm...what do you possibly have to do? I thought you were meeting us at Babylon, like usual," Michael asked, wondering if this had anything to do with what happened at Woody's the other night.
"I, uh...I have a date, actually. And he is picking me up at 7pm," Justin said, not looking at Michael.
"A date? With who?" Michael demanded. He felt a little silly, but he knew or, at least he thought that Justin still wanted Brian. Now, who the fuck is this guy Justin is going out with.
"He's just some guy Michael. None of your business," Justin said, walking away. He really didn't want to say anything, but they were friends, and Justin was kind of excited about it and wanted to tell someone.
"What is his name? Do we know him? What does he do?" Michael pressed on.
"His name is Jonathon and he's an illustrator. He works at a firm downtown, new to the area. I barely know him. He comes into the print store every once in a while and we've talked," Justin replied.
"Well, what are you doing on your date? Are we going to get to meet him?" Michael asked.
"Maybe, I don't know. It's a first date Michael, Jesus. Maybe we will come to Babylon or something," Justin responded.
"Do you think that is a good idea?" Michael asked, the words out before he thought about it.
"What do you mean? Why wouldn't it be a good idea?" Justin asked, questioning Michael and then it dawned on him.
"Well, I mean, you know who will be there, remember?" Michael asked, hesitantly.
"Who? Brian? And? Why does it matter? Brian and I are just friends Michael. Does Brian consider me when he takes someone into the backroom? No. It’s no big deal. That is so in the past," Justin replied, getting quiet towards the end.
Smiling and noticing the tone in Justin's voice, Michael tried to lighten Justin up.
"Is he hot?" Michael smiled.
"He's alright," Justin smiled back. And then the conversation was dropped.
Michael vowed not to say anything to Brian. He learned his mistake butting in the last time.
The chips would fall wherever the fuck they fell Saturday night.
Knock, Knock. Knock…Knock…Knock…Knock. “I’m coming, Jesus! Quit banging on the goddamn door!” Justin spat as he thew open the door.
“And, this year’s best actress award goes to…Justine Taylor! The crowd goes wild!” Brian smirked.
Laughing at the obvious, Justin was still amazed at the sight before him…Brian. Brian in a deep gray suit, vest underneath, buttoned up, yellow shirt, yellow tie…black Prada boots. Sex. Business. Sexy business. “Yeah, yeah. Save it, knuckle dragger! What do you want? Do you have your mace ready?”
“I have mace, pepper spray and a machete in my pants, wanna see?” Brian quipped, brushing past Justin, into his humble abode. “Not expecting company I see, rat trap.”
“Fuck off Brian. Have a seat while you’re at it. What’s up?” Justin replied and truly wondered what brought this visit on.
Plopping himself down on the couch, or what posed for a couch…Italian leather it wasn’t, it wasn’t even high quality pleather, Brian laughed out loud. “I brought business with me. Up for discussing some business, Justin?”
“What business, Brian?” Justin droned back.
“Your tuition. It’s due again…I got the papers the other day in the mail,” Brian replied and caught Justin’s eye.
“God, I hate this Brian. I hate that you still pay for me,” Justin winced.
“Get me a beer and come sit down, Justine…bring your Oscar with you,” Brian said and motioned to the seat next to him.
Justin pushed off from the counter and opened his refrigerator. He pulled a bottle of wine and two glassed down from the cupboard. Uncorking, his eyes moved over to the figure shuffling papers about the coffee table.
So business. So beautiful. I wish he would stay. Tell me he still wants me. Tell me maybe what he never could. I want to hear it, outside of the sounds of his pelvis knocking me senseless…although, that sound would be music to my ears.
“Justin!” Brian yelled.
“Huh? What? Don’t yell at me!” Justin snapped back.
Brian had looked up, to notice Justin fighting the cork and asked him if he wanted him to do it. Brian had always effortlessly uncorked the wine, Justin had fought it, traded barbs, and left cork in the wine, many…many times. As he watched Justin, he saw his tongue snake out and lay across his lips, eyes steady in mission, thoughts deep…his arms gripped the corkscrew and bottle. His hair looked platinum in the low light of the 40 watt, that was vaguely lighting this hovel. Justin’s chest heaved and his right leg pushed up against the dishwasher for leverage. Through those Diesel’s, Brian could see the muscles of his legs, straining. Now, turn around a little, let me see that tight ass of yours…
Shaking his head, Brian smiled and then asked him. Not hearing a reply, he asked again. Stupid twat, so deep in thought, probably trying so hard not to fuck the cork up! Then, he was reduced to yelling.
“I asked you if you wanted me to do it…it looks like the cork is kicking your ass as usual,” Brian smirked and came up to the counter, taking the bottle from Justin.
“Ha, well, better the cork, than life. I have had enough of that,” Justin laughed, half- heartedly.
The comment was not lost on Brian. He smiled and then gently pulled the cork from the bottle. Justin handed him the glasses and Brian poured them a drink.
Letting Justin lead the way to the couch, Brian followed, his eyes leveled on the twitch of the boy’s ass as he walked. There we go…all better now.
Getting the tuition conversation out of the way, and the fee paid, Brian put his checkbook back inside his suit breast pocket. They sat there for a few minutes more, quietly.
“So, what are you doing tonight? Going out?” Justin asked, raising his glass to his lips.
“Nah, just swung by here on my way to the loft. Staying in, can you believe that?” Brian smiled.
“Are you hungry?” Justin asked.
“Kinda, why are you? Uh, stupid question. Want to order something?” Brian replied.
“Sure, what do you want?” Justin responded.
“What do you want?” Brian asked.
“Whatever,” Justin replied.
“So versatile,” Brian smiled.
Rolling his eyes, Justin got the phone and called in an order at the Szechaun place down the street.
They made small talk and turned on the tv, watching…they had no idea what.
When the food came, Brian got up to pay the delivery guy. Generous to a fault, as always.
They shared the food and sat back down on the couch and the conversation was easy…for a while.
“Are you seeing anyone?” Brian suddenly asked.
Staring blankly at him, stunned by the question, Justin stammered, “No. What made you think that?”
“Well, you always bolt outta Woody’s and Babylon…like you’re leaving someone at home that’s waiting for you,” Brian replied, matter-of-factly.
“No. There’s no one,” Justin replied.
“It’s rude to leave without who you came with you know,” Brian tried to smile.
“Have you ever regretted leaving?” Brian asked, suddenly just all full up of questions.
Jostled again, Justin remained silent for a few seconds. “Why?”
“It’s just a question. You can’t answer it? Surely you know, you owe it to me,” Brian replied, sternly.
“Are we keeping score, or tabs now Brian?” Justin asked.
“I just wanted to know. I’ll tell you,” Brian smiled.
“You are not seeing anyone Brian. I know that!” Justin smiled back.
“You don’t know shit. Now. Answer the question,” Brian said.
“No, I am not seeing anyone. I know you’re not. So there, we are even,” Justin smirked.
“Hardly. I’m sorry you know. Sorry that I was such a shit to you. You didn’t deserve it, half the time. The other half, well…you deserved it,” Brian replied, smiling at the end of the comment, trying to get a rise out of Justin.
“I know Brian. I’m sorry too. You could never know, how truly sorry I am,” Justin lamented.
“You could tell me,” Brian replied, listfully, looking anywhere but at Justin.
“I just did,” Justin smiled.
“Do you miss me?” Brian asked.
“Do you miss me?” Justin asked in reply.
“Sometimes, yeah…a lot actually,” Brian replied, so honestly it almost broke Justin’s heart.
“Brian, let’s not do this,” Justin sighed.
“What? You can’t even talk to me? What happened to our friendship?” Brian asked incredulously and also very pissed that Justin wouldn’t answer him.
“We are friends, I want us to be friends. But, Brian…there should be some boundaries,” Justin spoke.
“Boundaries? There was only ever one boundary Justin,” Brian replied.
“Fuck, okay…yes, I miss you. Are you happy now?” Justin huffed.
“Deliriously,” Brian smiled and popped a shrimp in his mouth.
Justin stretched his neck and sank into the sofa, grabbing his temple.
“Headache? Or pain in the ass?” Brian smirked.
“Both, you asshole,” Justin laughed.
“I could remedy both, you know,” Brian drawled huskily and tried to nonchalantly inch closer on the couch to Justin.
Not nonchalant enough though. “Brian…respect the perimeter,” Justin said, eyes darting to Brian’s.
“Oh, now you have a perimeter? What the fuck Justin? I am not going to attack you!” Brian spat back and got up, huffing his way to his briefcase. “Jesus, fuck this. You obviously can’t stand to be around me, so next time, you should expect this by courier!” Brian waved the papers in his hand and threw open the door and slammed it.
Justin sat on the couch, shattered by Brian’s hasty retreat and obvious hurt at his comment. He drank another glass of wine and then picked up the phone to dial Brian. Getting his voicemail, Justin just listened to his voice. At the beep, he couldn’t think of what he could possibly say to make it better. Don’t leave. Stay with me. Rock me to sleep, help me get rid of this headache. Help me get rid of this ache in my heart. Stay with me. Instead, he just hung up, sighing into the phone.
Brian went straight to the Baths. Fuck that. He regretted telling Justin that he missed him. Regrets? Ha, I have had a few. He paid his dues and went to change. He found a room after he trolled a few times. He saw a blonde on the bed, lying on his back. Brian showed his face, got the okay and went in. Closed the door. Fifteen minutes later, dick soft, he stormed out of the Baths. That fucking twat. Now, he couldn’t even get off. Let me kill myself now. Where’s a crossbeam when you need one?
A couple of days later, the boys were at their usual spot at the bar, their proverbial perches...with Brian in the middle, looking over his minions.
"Hey, where's Justin? I didn't see him come in with you boys," Brian asked.
"No, he didn't come with us. He had something to do," Michael said, uncomfortably.
"What?" Brian asked, turning to face his friend.
"Huh?" Michael feigned ignorance.
"You heard me, what did he have to do, Mikey?" Brian asked again.
"I don't know. He just said he needed the night off," Michael replied.
"Liar," Brian spat.
"Am not!" Michael shot back.
"Are too!" Brian retorted. Score for Brian. 1-0.
"Am not! Jesus!" Michael flippantly replied. Oh...that was close. Almost, but not quite.
"Michael, I know you're lying. Your eye twitches when you lie," Brian nonchalantly replied.
Fuck...score again. Brian 2-0.
Reaching up to stop the quivering, Michael yelled, "Look, it’s none of your business and it’s none of my business! Okay? What is the deal Brian? You ignore him when he's here anyways."
"That's never stopped you before from blabbing. Spill. And that is not true, he and I dance," Brian smirked.
"Well, look who just walked in," Michael pointed. Saved by the twink. This shit is getting bizarre. They both act like they don't give a hang...but I see those looks. I see the way they always watch each other, unbeknownst, is that the word? Is that a fucking word?
Justin walked in with a crowd, and Jonathon trailed behind him. Brian shot out like a dart in his direction.
"Give me the first dance?" Brian asked. It wasn't a question, he wasn't really asking. He grabbed on to Justin and they went to the dance floor. Brian wanted to make sure that all was good between them.
Getting to the middle, Brian let go of Justin's hand. They always danced. Here, the awkwardness faded. It was kinda like a cotillion with them. Brian always walked up and reached out for Justin's hand. It would seem romantic, if Brian didn't latch on and jerk Justin to the dance floor. It was accepted behavior. Who could resist Brian Kinney?
Jonathan walked over to the bar and looked around for Justin. Michael had seen this and walked over to offer condolences maybe, he didn't know yet.
Justin turned to look at the bar and saw Jonathon with the boys. Great. How am I going to explain this.
Turning his head to face him, Brian caressed Justin’s cheek,” Look, sorry I acted like such a dick. You really pissed me off Justin.” You hurt me again. I start to tell you how I really feel, and you shut me down. Figure those fucking odds.
“I know, I didn’t mean it the way it came out…I just want things to go smoothly with us Brian,” Justin smiled back and leaned into his touch. I wanted you so bad. I want you now. I want things to be smooth and uncomplicated. But, that will never happen.
They danced a little longer and Jonathon was getting antsy. He broke from the bar and walked up to the two men, dancing, gripped together tightly by their hands on each other’s waist.
“Justin,” Jonathon said, quietly. Brian and Justin both broke the eye contact and looked to the intruder standing before them. Justin had forgotten all about his date and Brian was about to spit out his usual “Fuck Off”, until Justin spoke.
“Jonathon, sorry. One second,” Justin replied.
Brian just looked at Justin…he was crushed. “You’re a fucking liar,” Brian spat and walked off.
Justin knew the implications of that comment. Brian had asked him if he was seeing someone and he wasn’t, it only appeared so. This was a first date….the only date. He watched as Brian rushed off the dance floor and out into the night.
Brian shot back to the bar and brushed past the boys. Michael called out to him, to no avail. Brian left and went to Woody’s. He was trolling again. Fuck that twink. Now, add liar to the laundry list. Actually, that tag could be lobbed back on. Never, never trust him. Once a liar, always a liar.
Brian found a willing accomplice and took him into the alley. For twenty minutes the trick tried to get Brian off…nothing was working. Brian pushed him up against the wall and walked out. He tried brunettes, he tried blondes, the occasional red head…nothing worked, and that was just for the next two hours. Brian could not get off…with anyone. This was total fucking bullshit.
Thus began the cycle for an agonizing 16 days. Nothing and no one worked. Brian was truly in Hell. The only time he could find release was a jerk off in his shower or in his bed, with one particular vision egging him on. A blonde, lithe, alabaster vision…with willing lips, blue eyes, an incredible cock and voluptuous ass. That vision haunted him in day and night.
Justin had danced only a couple of dances with Jonathon that night and ended the date there at Babylon. Telling him he was sorry, he just wasn’t over someone yet…needed time alone. The old, ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ was played and not accepted. He got called a tease and roughly pushed away. So much for the nice guy Jonathon portrayed himself as. Emmett saw this and came to his aid. Justin then let Emmett lead him out of the club and the boys left.
Justin then proceeded to bury himself back in his art…Brian being his muse as always. He didn’t know what this all meant for he and Brian. He just didn’t want to hurt anymore. He thought back on how he would miss Brian. Talking with him, joking with him. Brian always picked him up and took him home from their nights on Liberty. Nothing untoward ever happened. They both just left it alone. Whatever was between them, had cooled. Now, the heat had been turned up suddenly, by someone and there was hell to pay. Another round of avoiding each other was playing out as well.
Both avoided each other like the plague. If an invitation was extended, both made sure the other was not coming. Their friends thought it was ridiculous, to say the least. The great strides that had been made, had all fell apart during one misunderstanding.
Brian was standing at the bar, looking out over the dance floor when Jonathon approached him. Pickings were slim, but that didn’t matter to Brian. No matter how hot, how young, how beautiful, nothing did the proverbial trick.
“Hey,” Jonathon smiled.
Rolling his eyes, Brian looked away. This guy had no idea who he was. Willing to fuck with him for a minute or two, Brian geared himself up for the game.
Jonathon was tweaked on something and handed Brian a pill. Brian grabbed him and took him into the backroom. Always worth another try, right?
Jonathon got down on his knees and unzipped Brian’s jeans. He took out his cock and tried to bring the flaccid thing to life.
Nope.
As Brian looked down, watching Jonathon try against might, to bring Brian off, Brian shook his head and asked, “Does he know you’re here?”
“Who?” Jonathon asked, taken aback.
“Who the fuck do you think? Justin!” Brian yelled.
“Why would he care where I am? How the fuck do you know that twat? Such a fucking tease,” Jonathon spat back.
“Aren’t you dating him?” Brian asked and a little put off by this guy on his knees calling Justin a twat. No one called Justin a twat, except for Brian.
“Are we going to do this or not?” Jonathon looked up to Brian.
Seeing Brian the look Brian shot at him, he got the message. He stood up and watched as Brian zipped himself back up.
It still had not dawned on Jonathon who Brian was. He’d only caught a glimpse of him that night anyways and Justin never mentioned names or let on that it was Brian who he longed for.
“No. He said he was still hung up on someone,” Jonathon said, turning around, to view the backroom more closely.
“How long were you two seeing each other?” Brian asked.
“We never were!” Jonathon replied back.
Smiling and shaking his head, Brian started to walk away.
“Hey, what about me?” Jonathon asked, grabbing Brian’s arm.
“No thanks, I’ve got something better,” Brian smiled and slinked away. The effects of the E were hitting Brian now. He went back out into the main room and tried to find someone else. Climbing the steps to the second floor, he spied the couch. He sat down and watched as three different men came to him immediately, attacking all parts of his body. Even as horny as he was, with the E, he still couldn’t get off. Fuck this. I’ve had about enough of this bullshit. He threw the men off of him, gathered himself and pushed off. So, he left and went to the only place he could.
Banging on Justin’s door, Brian yelled, “Justin!” He repeated this several times, much to the neighbors dislike. It was 2:46 am, afterall.
Looking through the peephole, Justin grimaced. He leaned against the door and listened to Brian yell. He was drunk and he was pissed off.
“Go away Brian, you’re drunk!” Justin yelled through the door.
“And? Open this door, right fucking now Justin!” Brian yelled again and beat on the door.
‘What do you want Brian? Shut up before my neighbors call the cops!” Justin yelled back.
“I need to see you. Open up Justin. Please!” Brian yelled.
“Go home Brian. I’ll call you a cab. I can’t believe you drove!” Justin replied, through the door.
“Open up this goddamn door right now, or I will fucking break it down Justin! You’re a liar. You’re a liar and a goddamn twat!” Brian yelled. Mrs. Connors in 3F opened the door, shocked to see the man beating on the door.
“What are you looking at you old hag?” Brian droned. If I thought I was limp before, this bitch could seriously permanently damage me and my dick!
“I am calling the police!” She huffed and checked her rollers in her hair.
“Go ahead, fuck you. They can come cart my ass to jail. Justin, remember where I keep that stash in my loft, I think I’m gonna need it for bail!” Brian laughed, to no one in particular. “Do you want me to go to jail Justin? She’s calling the cops right now! Open up and tell her you know me!”
“Brian! Go home! What the fuck do you want?” Justin yelled back, now tearing up, hearing Brian outside. He sounded so desperate and also, drunk or high. What could he possibly want at this hour? Oh.
“Brian, if you think you can come over here and just fuck me, you’re crazy! I am not your fuck buddy! Go home!” Justin yelled again and slumped down to the floor.
“Don’t worry Sunshine, I probably couldn’t get it up, if I tried. You won,” Brian said quietly. He slumped down in front of the door and held his hands in his face.
“Brian? Brian?” Justin said quietly.
“What? Are you going to let me in?” Brian asked.
“Go home Brian. I can’t do this. We can’t do this. You’re drunk and you’re angry…I can’t see you like this…I don’t want to see you like this,” Justin replied.
Mrs. Connors was still standing in the doorway leering at Brian. Looking up at her, “I can’t get it up…not for anyone. Now, seeing your fright mask, I don’t think I ever will!”
She straightened her robe and slammed the door. Brian just laughed. He was truly fucked.
He pulled himself off the floor and leaned his forehead up against the door. “You won Justin. I lost my one FUCKING ability, no pun intended! My one quality in life. I can’t fuck anymore. It’s all because of you. Hope you’re happy. Now, at the end, even you deny me!” Brian spat.
“Brian, what’s this about?” Justin said, head against the door on his side.
Leaning his forehead against the door and holding himself up, Brian pleaded, “I need you Justin. I need to be inside you! Fuck! I tried everything…blondes, brunettes, fucking redheads, bears, twinks, nells, you name it. I can’t get off with anyone! All I see is your face. All I want is your lips…all I want is you.”
Justin was crying. “Brian, we are no good for each other. You don’t want me and you certainly don’t want all the shit that comes with me. I am a liar remember. I won’t share you! You won’t share me…it’s hopeless. We are hopeless!”
Brian shoved off the door and stared at it. He was seething. Even when he admitted he was lost…admitted he needed Justin…he was denied again. He threw his hand into glass encased fire extinguisher and the glass shattered. His hand was covered in cuts and blood and glass. Hearing the glass break, Mrs. Connors flung open her door and yelled. Justin heard the glass as well and flung open his door.
Brian was just standing there, staring at his hand. Oblivious to the pain and to the two sets of eyes watching him, he started to walk down the stairs.
“Brian…Come here,” Justin motioned to him. Brian stood defiantly.
“Now, that I’m cut on the outside, you want to help me?” Brian stood his ground. I’ve been ripped to shred inside for months.
“Come on Brian, quit being an asshole!” Justin came out into the hall and brought Brian inside. He pushed him up against the counter and pushed his hand under the cold water he set running. Brian stared at him, not worrying about his hand. He leaned down and tried to kiss Justin.
“Not now Brian!” Justin replied. He’s a freebleeder for all I know and all he wants is a fuck!
Feeling dejected once again, Brian jerked his hand from the water and moved to leave.
“Stay Brian, you’re hurt,” Justin said and pulled Brian’s hand back.
“I am hurt Justin,” Brian replied.
“So am I Brian,” Justin replied and moved his hand to caress Brian’s cheek. “You look like shit…you smell like the Baths.”
Brian just steadied himself against the counter as Justin went to retrieve some medicine and band aids from the bathroom. Cleaning and dressing the wound, Justin wrapped guaze around Brian’s hand. He held Brian’s hand, looking from the dressing up to Brian’s eyes. Those eyes looked so sad and lost.
I can’t stand it when you look so in pain. It’s painful to know I caused this. Of all the times you looked so lost…so terrified…I could never comfort you.
Justin leaned up and captured Brian’s lips in his and they began a forceful tug of war in the kitchen. Brian tried to gain control, thinking he would lose his mind. He was so tense, so horny and he needed his release with Justin. Two weeks of pent up frustration swirled in his head and Justin dropped to his knees and ripped open Brian’s jeans. He sucked Brian off furiously. Brian came within a minute or two, screaming Justin’s name. His screams resonated through the tiny apartment and within seconds Mrs. Connors was banging on Justin’s door.
“Justin! Justin! Are you alright? Do you want me to call the police?
Justin rose up off his knees and went to the door, leaving Brian shaking in the kitchen. He opened the door and tried to soothe his neighbor’s nerves, telling her the police would be unnecessary.
Shutting the door, he turned around and ran right into a wall of Brian. Brian grabbed Justin and picked him up and walked into his bedroom. He threw him on the bed and began to ravish him. Justin didn’t have time to think about anything…maybe that was good.
“God, I’ve missed you. I have to fuck you Justin. You have to let me!” Brian huffed in between strokes of his tongue on Justin’s neck. He breathed heavily into Justin’s ear and told him that no one could make him feel like Justin did.
“And, after this? What are we Brian? Fuck buddies?” Justin asked, as he lost himself in Brian’s touch.
“We can be whatever you want to be Justin…I just need to feel you. Right now. Tomorrow, tonight …five minutes from now. Forever. I just want to feel you,” Brian whispered.
He ripped Justin’s clothes off and lay himself upon him. He touched every inch of skin and licked every inch as well. Not a place untouched by his tongue and hands. The need to consume was overbearing.
Justin squirmed out of Brian’s touch and reached over to his nightstand. He opened up a box of condoms…it was new, about 6 months new and reached in and gathered one. He handed it to Brian as he watched him. Brian couldn’t get it on fast enough. Brian then demanded the lube, hurrying Justin with his tone. The fastest lube job ever on record occurred and Brian pushed Justin down and lifted his hips to his pelvis. He bit his lips and cried out “Oh my God” as drove into Justin. Brian froze momentarily, then gathered himself and began a slow thrusting.
The exquisite pleasure…the tightness…the feeling of being home. He shouted his apparent satisfaction at the feeling he was experiencing. So many tight crevices he’d invaded lately, on a mission. None felt like this. The tight heat. The smooth, warm velvet. His hands roamed all over Justin. Brian covered Justin’s body with his. His lips were gnawed at and left bleeding from the ferocious machinations of Brian. Teeth were knocked, skin was bruised and flushed. Brian bit into every inch of skin his mouth found. He tasted the sweet taste of Justin. He had longed to be inside this very place. Justin melted around Brian as the man thrust in and out of him. The feeling of Brian inside him was punishing and beautiful.
The past seven months had totally wrecked Brian and Justin. Justin had been with no one after Ethan. Brian had been with just about everyone, but it was never like this. It would never be like this.
“Touch me…Touch me!” Brian yelled into Justin’s mouth in between kisses. The kisses were rough, they were soft…they were everything.
This was a frightening experience for both of them. Not quite enough…never enough. Isn’t that what Brian had said. This was the meaning behind it all. Justin fell deeper in love with Brian and Brian fell deeper as well.
Justin then sought out Brian, every inch, gripping the man closer to him. Pulling at the skin, smearing the sweat over his back. He kissed Brian’s shoulder as it dug into his. He pulled at Brian’s hair as the man pushed into him, going deeper with every thrust. Fucking him into the mattress, fucking him into reality.
Now it was reality, because all that it was before, in those seven long months, was make believe. Make believe that they could really manage without each other. That’s the fairy tale…a world without each other…that’s the nightmare.
Brian could not contain himself any longer and began to pump furiously into Justin, who just hung on. Brian lifted himself off Justin and flipped him over. He quickly took his place behind Justin and entered him again in one smooth stroke. Crying out at the feeling, Brian was becoming delirious. He felt like a virgin again. Chasing the dragon. It never quite feels like the first time you give yourself away totally, you always seek that release again, but never find it. Brian had found it.
Brian was yelling, he was whispering, he was talking incoherently. He told Justin everything he had ever wanted to hear, in the space of 27 minutes. He kissed and groped Justin, biting his back, sucking the skin, kissing him wherever he could. He reached around to stroke Justin’s hard leaking cock and rubbed his thumb over the slit. Groaning at the feel of his creamy liquid, Brian brought his hand to his lips and sucked the liquid in. That gave him more resolve to keep going. He wanted to feel his release, but he wanted to feel and taste Justin’s release.
Surprisingly Brian lasted as long as he did. Any other time, 27 minutes would be an insult. He thought he would explode when he first entered Justin, but he begged off as much as he could…pure torture, but he knew it was worth it. When Justin had blown him in the kitchen, he heard bells…a choir…trappings of that fucking fairy tale. It was the most beautiful touch he’d ever experienced. The hot tongue, the velvet touch, the red lips sucking him in…heaven.
Screaming Justin’s name when he came, he collapsed on top of Justin. His breathing was erratic. He had almost passed out. But, he quickly pulled out and flipped Justin back over on his back and drank him of all he had. He had been careful not to bring Justin to climax. As he sucked the boy’s cock in his mouth, Brian moaned from the pleasure of it all. He had exploded with such force inside the condom, it was overflowing when he took it off.
Justin arched his back off the bed as he shot into Brian’s mouth, screaming Brian’s name. The hot liquid splashing against Brian’s throat was a God-send. He cried out his pleasure as Justin did. His lips dripped of the blonde boy’s juices and Brian moved up to kiss Justin. He smeared the boys face with his own juices and Brian gently licked it all off…every last drop.
Brian was more vocal than he had ever been. He had screamed Justin’s name over and over again. Yelled that he loved him before and after he came. Whispered that he loved the boy as he kissed him and tasted the boy’s juices on their tongues. Brian let himself go like never before. When nothing was left, Brian lay himself down on top of Justin again, burying his head into Justin’s shoulder.
Justin winced from the pain and tried to soothe Brian, by rubbing his sweaty back. Justin then braced himself for the inevitable…Brian would get up and leave him. Saying anything to fuck a nice ass…saying anything just to get off.
Brian then rolled off of him and lay flat on his back, sighing loudly. When Justin got up to move into the shower, Brian grabbed his arm. “Where are you going?”
“I am going to take a shower, I know you want to leave now,” Justin tried to smile, and not let the tears flow that were brimming.
He walked into the shower and wondered what the fuck he just did. He knew that Brian had no intention of making good on any of those promises that he uttered and screamed before and after he came. Once again, Brian Kinney had crushed Justin Taylor. Bracing himself to look upon his empty bed once he came out of the shower, Justin calmed himself. Opening the bathroom door, he spied Brian on the bed, elbow propping up his head, looking squarely at him.
“I thought you’d be gone by now,” Justin said.
“So you thought,” Brian replied, eyes devoid of emotion. The gauze on his hand was unraveling, but the wound was not bleeding. Brian paid it no mind, the pain had numbed.
Justin walked around the bed and opened a drawer to pull out a shirt and boxers.
“I want you naked when you sleep with me,” Brian told him quietly.
Justin just turned around, shocked at that utterance.
“Brian, we both know that this won’t work,” Justin sighed.
“You don’t know that. I’m willing to try again. That should mean something to you Justin,” Brian replied.
“Do you know what you are saying Brian? Can you promise me?” Justin asked.
Brian pulled Justin to the bed and lay him on his side, propping himself up again and drawing circles on Justin’s chest with his other hand.
“I do know what I am saying. Do you realize that you’re telling me that you won’t try again?” Brian asked.
“I never said that. I can’t let myself get hurt like that again Brian and I don’t want to hurt you either. I want to be your friend. It means so much to me,” Justin replied.
“It means a lot to me too. We can be both. Friends and lovers…that’s what makes it different this time,” Brian responded.
Justin looked up into the hazel eyes that bore down onto him. He saw kindness, he saw friendship, he saw tenderness and he saw Brian. Of course he also saw temper tantrums, shitty attitude and a drama queen. He saw Brian. Justin saw who he loved. Justin saw who loved him.
Okay, so now you have the story. It’s been rocky at best. The friends and lovers thing definitely has been trying. For Brian to open up more and tell me things that maybe he has only told Michael…well, that leaves him vulnerable. But, now he trusts me enough not to use it against him. Trusts me enough now, with his heart. It will never be easy. Like I said before…it’s refreshing, it’s complicated, it’s relentless. It’s Brian. And I am enough for him now. He loves me and I love him. He considers me one of his closest friends and his lover. He is my best friend and my lover. It’s no good any other way.