Brian pushed the door open to the back storage room where Justin had gone. He knew it was now or never, but he was very frightened and unsure of exactly what he was going to do or say. As he pushed the door open, he saw Justin turn to look, to see who had come back there.
After giving Brian his water, Justin came back here to hide, so to speak. Sure, he did have to restock the napkins and the shakers, but he could have done that anytime. He was finding it increasingly hard to be in the man’s presence, after all that had happened, he didn’t trust himself. He found himself daydreaming during his shifts, watching the people walk by the diner front...in all shapes and sizes. Many a time he caught his breath as someone slightly resembling Brian walked by or inside. When Brian came in this morning, Justin was a little perplexed, to say the least, knowing that Brian had avoided the diner while Justin was there. Now that Brian was right in front of him, obviously having followed him, he was slightly confused and a little scared. The guilt of what they were doing was also tearing him up, but no matter what, he couldn’t stop himself.
“Hey, is there something wrong Brian?” Justin asked, straightening up. He looks; I don’t know...I have never really seen this face before.
“Uh, listen Justin...I need to tell you something,” Brian replied, hoping that fear and urgency wouldn’t betray him in his eyes. God, this is a bad idea. Who’s to say he even wants me back? What could I possibly do to prove to you I love you? Can’t you see I am miserable? Why do you need those words...they’re just words. Haven’t I proven to you over and over again how much I love you?
“Okay...well, wait a second and I will be back out there. I was just going to restock the napkins and shakers, so I will be right out,” Justin responded smiling. What does he want to say to me? Why does he look so scared? God, is something wrong with Gus...or Lindsey?
“No. I need to tell you now. I, uh...listen. See, it’s just that, well,” Brian stammered, leaning on the doorframe to hold himself up. Fuck. Okay, do this Brian. Just say it. Say it and he will come back. Say it ...tell him what you’ve known for over a year. Say it and all of this will be over.
“Brian? Are you okay?” Justin asked, moving towards him. He moved so close to him. Oh My God...he’s going to say it. He’s going to tell me he loves me.
As Justin moved to stand directly in front of Brian, Brian took a step back. He needed to get his bearings and knew that if he had to look Justin in the eyes, he would back down. It was so much easier telling it to the loft door, or telling it to the pictures he kept in his desk at work and at home. It was so much easier telling him, all those times while he slept next to me.
As he backed up, Justin moved closer again, not letting Brian walk away.
“What is it? Come on Brian...tell me,” he tried to smile. Say it! Finally...just say it Brian. Tell me and this will all be over.
Okay, I’m going to do it...I love you Justin. See that was it...how hard was that? Wait a second...What if he tells me its too late...what if he says it doesn’t matter...what if he says he loves Ethan now and doesn’t love me anymore? “Your tuition was due last week and I paid it, so, here is the receipt. You need to put this with your other papers.” Brian reached into his leather and pulled out the fall back plan.
The bill came on a Thursday. Cynthia put it on his desk, in front of the picture of he and Justin, from Justin’s art show. Cynthia had seen the picture just lying on his desk and bought a frame for it; it shouldn’t be without a frame and the sides were folding inward from wear and tear. When Brian had seen it setting there, in the new frame, he said nothing; he just tried to be a little nicer to her that day. The bill...Brian opened it and looked. When Brian offered to pay Justin’s tuition, Justin agreed only on the stipulation that papers were drawn up for the ‘loan’. Life happened and Justin never got around to getting the papers drawn up and Brian never reminded him. Looking at the bill, Brian quickly wrote a check and asked Cynthia to drop it by the registrar’s office for him. She obliged him, bringing back the receipt for his records.
As Brian reached out his hand to give Justin the receipt, it was his turn to back up. You paid my tuition? What the fuck Brian? Why did you do that? “Brian...I don’t want you paying my tuition anymore. Why did you...how could you do that?”
“How are you supposed to pay it Justin? Look, I told you...it’s just money. I made an investment, remember...its not fully matured yet and,” Brian spoke, but was cut off by Justin.
“I appreciate your concern, but I don’t need your money Brian...I never wanted your money. I wanted...,” Justin turned away from him.
“Here, just take it, okay? Don’t worry about it, I’m not. I know how hard you’re working Justin and I just want to make sure that you are taken care of. You said you would pay me back right? Continue with the original plan,” Brian tried to smile. I love you and I want to take care of you, still. And since I can’t do anything else...let me do this. He can’t take care of you Justin.
Brian turned and walked out, passing Deb on his way out, refusing to look at her. She flashed him a big smile, she was so proud of him, ever too proud to admit his true feelings...finally all this bullshit was over. When she prodded him at the table and he sat idle, she wiped her hands of him for the moment and walked away. A few minutes later, she saw Brian walking towards the back room where Justin was and she figured he’d finally had the guts to swallow his pride. She waited for Justin to come running out, smiling.
Justin came out of the storage room, holding the papers. She walked up and put her arms around him and said, “Oh sunshine...how are you? How do you feel?”
“Like shit...how am I supposed to feel?” Justin said, moving to put the papers in his backpack. Am I surprised? Feeling like shit because of Brian...how surprising.
“Huh? Why the hell do you feel like shit?” Deb asked, completely confused. Brian tells you he loves you finally...and you feel like shit? Well, maybe you should feel like shit leaving him like that for that Ethan kid.
“Brian came to tell me that, that he,“ Justin stammered.
Smiling Deb said, “That he what?” She couldn’t wait to hear Justin say it.
“That he paid my tuition for the rest of this year and next year,” Justin winced.
“What? That’s what he told you? He didn’t tell you anything else?” Debbie just stood there, hand on her hip, unbelieving.
“Can you fucking believe it? I mean, I can’t get away from him...no matter how hard I try,” Justin said, tearing up. He wanted to show a brave face...not that he expected love instead of money. He moved to go to the restroom and cry. He didn’t want the others to think that he still longed for Brian and what they had, for all intents and purposes; it seemed to all that Justin had moved on. In there, he looked at his reflection in the mirror. I really thought you were going to tell me Brian. I really did. But you didn’t...are we surprised? Why? Don’t you know this makes it harder on me? Fuck yeah you know...probably the plan. What am I supposed to tell my mom? How am I supposed to tell Ethan that my ex boyfriend is paying my tuition? What does that mean?
Turning the engine, Brian sat there...alone in his thoughts. You are such a fucking coward Brian...you’ve never backed down on anything in your whole lift...until Justin. He looked in his rearview mirror to check the road and the face that was staring back was full of tears. He knew what Justin wanted him to say, and he wanted to say it. He angrily wiped away the tears and peeled off. He didn’t see Debbie watching him...he didn’t see Debbie see him, wiping away his tears...that’s a good thing.
He drove to Michael’s house. He needed to feel loved and important in someone’s eyes...he had felt so alone the last month or so...his number one fan had deserted him for a more sure bet. He could always count on Michael. He knocked...no answer. He banged again...Christ Michael...I need you. As he started to walk away, the door opened and he saw Emmett. Great...not what I need at all.
“He’s not here Brian,” Emmett said.
“Just tell him I came by,” Brian replied, turning to walk down the hall.
“Brian are you okay?” Emmett asked, stepping into the hallway.
“I’m fine...its none of your business,” Brian responded, not looking back.
“Brian...come in. Really, come in, it’s okay,” Emmett called out.
Brian turned around to see Emmett, to see if he was smiling or laughing at him...to see if he was serious. He saw that he was completely serious and ready to help. “No thanks Emmett,” and he walked away.
Coming into the loft later, he laid his leather on the couch and went over to listen to his messages. One was from Debbie, barking and yelling for a few minutes and then an invitation to a family dinner early on Saturday evening. The next message was from Lindsey calling to check up on Brian, reminding him of his promise to see Gus tomorrow. The next message was from Claire...he deleted it, didn’t care what she had to say. The last message was from Michael, telling him he was sorry he missed him...call him later. He moved to the kitchen to get a glass and a bottle of liquor for his dinner...seems that whenever Justin and he crossed paths now, he drowned himself in liquor and self-analysis for dinner.
As he pulled the bottle from the cabinet and retrieved the glass, he thought again how he had been a coward. He could have given the tuition receipt to Jennifer and avoided all of this, but this was an excuse to see Justin...that was all that was needed. Jennifer and Brian had seen each other a couple of times since the break up and she was actually very nice to Brian. He had expected a complete brush off, thinking that she had finally got what she had been waiting for, but she took him by surprise. She took pity on him, knowing full well how much Brian cared for Justin...she had known since the accident and Brian’s late night vigils outside his room. Many a time she thought she should tell Justin that Brian was there every night...that he did love him, her son...if Brian wouldn’t tell him, she would. She thought better of it, to stay out of it...truth be told, she couldn’t stand to see Brian so heartbroken.
Sitting on the couch, he picked up the phone and went to dial Michael. I can’t remember the fucking number...what the fuck is wrong with me? He went through the caller id, as the number he had dialed for so many years had escaped him right now. As he scrolled he saw a number repeatedly...Justin’s number...he noted the times...during the day while he was at work and late at night...while he was at Babylon; no fear for me to answer, he thought.
It was Justin calling to hear Brian’s voice.
As he sat there staring at the number, he proceeded to get drunk and wallow in his own pity party. Fuck self-pity, that’s Ted’s job...I’ll go online and try to forget...fuck myself into oblivion.
What was that? I tune out self pity...it makes my dick soft. Isn’t it ironic Brian?
Justin left the diner and caught the bus to Ethan’s apartment. Fucking public transportation! I can’t wait till I get my own car, my own place. Uh Justin...you can’t even pay for school, how are you going to pay for a car or an apartment...you depend on others. I depend on others to take care of me...like Debbie, like Brian...and now Ethan. He was so quick to move me in...I know it was to keep an eye on me, nothing else. But, I couldn’t do that. Maybe I should have taken Emmett up on his offer to move in with him. I miss him and it is much closer to PIFA. But, no...I moved back in with Debbie...that is an ongoing battle with Ethan, but I wish I could make it on my own. . Now, I have been pushed further down that ladder by Brian’s intervention. I should be thankful...I am thankful but I am pissed too. I totally forgot about the money for school...totally forgot about everything that had to do with money, until I started having to pay for it myself. I still don’t know why after all that’s happened, he would pay for me...money doesn’t mean love Justin...sex doesn’t mean love...what does it mean? How do you know or define when someone loves you? I thought I knew...I am so lost now.
Hesitating before knocking on the door, he almost walked back to the elevators and left...he would call Ethan and tell him something came up. He could hear Rachmaninoff playing from inside the apartment...finally something other than Ethan himself! This classical bullshit is grating though. I thought Brian was conceited, but Ethan is quickly surpassing Brian in that trait. Shaking his head...trying to clear the doubt that surrounded him like the cloud of dust and dirt that surrounded Pig Pen, he knocked. Knocking louder, he waited...and waited...and waited. Finally he turned the knob and walked in...he saw Ethan over by the piano working on his sheet music and he smiled to himself. He lay his backpack on the counter and walked over to him.
This last month had been quite an adjustment for Justin. Ending the relationship with Brian and entering quickly, too quickly he thought sometimes, into one with Ethan had been tough. For all the reasons he gravitated towards Ethan, were quickly turning out to be not at all what they had seemed. The declarations of love, the sweet romantic interludes, the lovemaking, conversations, and quality time were great...except they weren’t with the person he wanted to experience them with. A rash decision is not a well thought out decision, Debbie had told him, as had Jennifer. He was realizing truth in this and was torn.
“Hey...guess you didn’t hear me, I knocked like five times,” Justin smiled and waited for Ethan to look at him.
Still not looking up, Ethan responded, “Huh? What?”
“I said, I knocked like five times...the music is too loud. I’m going to turn it down,” Justin sighed and walked over to the stereo. He stopped the Rachmaninoff and started to put in a new cd he bought, a dance cd...it had alot of his favorites, including “Let’s Hear It For the Boy” and “You Think You’re a Man”, two of his favorite songs...why were they his favorites? You have to ask?
“What the hell are you doing Justin?” Ethan yelled to him.
He watched as Ethan rose and walked to the stereo, putting on a smile and Justin thought he was going to get the attention he needed from him. He stood there waiting, but was soon disappointed as Ethan took the cd out of the cradle and replaced it with the Rachmaninoff. He handed the other back to Justin and walked back over to the piano, sitting down.
Justin stood there for a second more glaring at Ethan and then slapped his hands to his sides and shook his head. I don’t need this shit today...not after what happened with Brian. You will have a goddamn fit, if I even mention his name. I need you to show me I didn’t make a mistake...Look at me! Brian would come home and kiss me...wrap his arms around me...you, you’re too wrapped up in yourself. He moved to the bedroom to grab his assignment for the next day, as he worked on it last night over there. Ethan looked up and noticed that Justin was rummaging around looking for something.
“Justin, what are you doing? Come over here,” Ethan said, walking over to him.
“I’m leaving...I can’t do this tonight Ethan...I have alot on my mind and I just needed a relaxing evening. Obviously you are too busy for me, so I’m just gonna go,” Justin replied, not looking at him.
“Don’t go...look, I’m sorry...I was just trying to concentrate. Let’s start over,” Ethan replied, moving to him.
When did we ever begin? I can’t remember anymore. Justin grabbed the needed items and moved back to retreive his backpack. Holding the items in one hand and trying to unzip the backpack with the other...still hard as he was trying to unzip it with his bad hand. Maybe I do need to be alone...not have a boyfriend...it isn’t worth it. The grass is not greener on the other side.
Watching Justin fumble with the backpack, Ethan reached out to grab it and offer assistance. Justin didn’t want his help, just wanted to get out of there. He still got very frustrated when he couldn’t do things with his hand, but didn’t consider that the normal person would have the same trouble in this instance. “No...I can do it!” They somewhat wrestled with it between them...Justin pulling it from Ethan and Ethan pulling it from Justin. The sketchpad and box of pencils fell from Justin’s hand and the backpack went sailing, along with its contents.
Justin bent down to pick up his sketchpad and the pencils. Laughing, Ethan went over to get the backpack and put the contents back in, when he picked up the envelope from PIFA he started to open it, “What is this, grades? Let’s see how the young artist is doing.”
Justin heard Ethan and didn’t understand what he was talking about, grades weren’t in...were they? How could that slip my mind? Looking over to see what he was doing, he saw the envelope in Ethan’s hands and then saw him reading over what was in it. Oh shit...here we go.
“What the hell is this Justin? Brian is paying your tuition? When were you going to tell me?” Ethan stood up and threw the paper and envelope at him. Brian Kinney...
“I don’t have a full scholarship like you Ethan, the musical genius! Some of us, have to pay for it,” Justin replied. He didn’t want to get into this right now. I don’t have a free ride like you Ethan...some of us have to work at it.
“How come your parents don’t pay for it?” Ethan replied, clearly pissed off that Brian was paying for his tuition. Had he always paid for it? What was Brian getting in return? I don’t want to know. Ethan paused and launched in again. “Justin, I don’t want and won’t tolerate Brian paying for your school...you can get a job or something, go reapply at the school...what about the money coming in from the comics? Do something. This isn’t right.”
Grabbing his temple, Justin exploded, “Ethan, my mom cannot afford it! My fucking father hates me! I already have a job and I work my ass off, okay? The money is coming in from the comic, but it isn’t enough. I still have to work at the diner. Do you think I want Brian paying for me? Christ, I don’t even know why he is still doing it! And I am still trying to figure this all out!”
“Still? What was it...a trade off? You fuck him and don’t ask questions and he rewards you with paying for your college?” Ethan replied, getting angrier by the second. “Maybe you should go back to dancing at the club...at least that will get you out of financial hock with Brian. Justin, are you still seeing Brian?” Ethan replied, trying to remain calm, but was failing.
“A trade off? Fuck you Ethan. No, I am not still seeing Brian! We have been over this...we are still friends and there is nothing you can do about it. Brian paid my tuition because he believed...he believes in me! Why don’t you? And, that is so rich, you thinking it okay for me to go back to dancing at the club! You couldn’t stand it when I told you I did. I cannot believe you would even say that. But, if it keeps me from Brian, its okay. That is so fucked up Ethan! You have no idea how hard it was for me after what happened Ethan...and believe it or not, without Brian...Forget it, just forget it!” Justin yelled and grabbed his things, walking out the door.
Ethan stood at the door...he was angry and confused. No, I don’t want Justin dancing...that is so fucked up, what would my friends say anyways? That’s all I need, ‘Mom and Dad...this is Justin...he is a go-go boy’...nice. Yeah, they’re somewhat okay with my being gay, but they have standards they impose upon me. That took some getting used to when he first told me, but, I got over it, I think. My friends? They think Justin is trash. And the musical community...well, this is none of their business and I don’t need to be ostracized. Fucking Brian Kinney...well, he may have won this time, but not for long. And what is Justin talking about? What happened to him?
The next morning on his way through the lobby of his office building, Brian saw Ethan sitting on a lobby couch. What the fuck? They both locked eyes and Brian continued on. “Brian,” Ethan called out to him, making him stop.
“What the fuck are you doing here? What do you want? I don’t do street people,” Brian stopped and looked around to see who all was in the lobby.
“I know you paid Justin’s tuition. Justin doesn’t want you anymore Brian...and he doesn’t need your money,” Ethan said, unwrapping the scarf from around his neck. Brian took note and suddenly saw himself strangling Ethan with the scarf. This thought brought a smile to his face.
“Is this funny to you Brian? You think that by paying for Justin, he will suddenly want you back?” Ethan asked, angry that Brian seemed to be laughing at him.
“No, its not funny in the least...Yo Yo,” Brian replied and shifted his stance. “What do you expect him to do? He can’t pay it and he doesn’t have the means, I do...not that it is any of your business,” Brian replied, showing his scowl.
“It is my business...Justin is mine...not yours, anymore. You need to understand that. He isn’t your concern anymore, its funny that when he’s gone, you try to act interested and concerned. What do you expect him to do for you? Money can’t buy love Brian,” Ethan replied, not backing down.
“He is of my concern, banjo boy...and I don’t give a fuck what you think I need to understand. I expect Justin to graduate and go on and realize his potential. I have...have you? Besides, what do you expect Justin to do? Sit on the street corner next to you and draw fucking caricatures of people for nickels while you play the violin? I don’t fucking think so,” Brian said, willing to play this tit for tat. Justin will always belong to me...you’re nothing but a plot device.
“I want you out of his life Brian...for good. This is just another way for you to weasel in. You don’t love him and he knows that. This won’t change anything, you can’t give him what he needs,” Ethan replied...backing away as Brian closed in on the space between them.
“You don’t know shit about me! How I feel about Justin is none of your fucking business. I don’t give a fuck what you want Ethan...this is about Justin...not you and not me. I know what he needs, you don’t...and that is what scares you. He is an artist...a brilliant one! Too busy playing with your bow or yourself to realize it guess. He shouldn’t have to be saddled with debt or worrying about how he is going to live,” Brian replied, not letting Ethan get a word in. He paused and moved impossibly closer to him and continued.
“This last year has been tough enough on him, you should know. If you care so much for him, it wouldn’t matter, would it? Are you worried that this will make Justin come back to me? Are you scared? Well, you outta be. But it isn’t my money that will bring him back to me,“ Brian smirked and walked away.
“Wait Brian...what happened to Justin?” Ethan called out to him.
Brian stopped...his back towards Ethan. He winced at the mention of it. How does he not know? Why didn’t Justin tell him? “Ask your boyfriend,” and he walked into the waiting elevator.
Ethan was scared, he thought back to the times Justin had come in late and rushed into the shower or the times he couldn’t get him to answer his calls. He knew that he was still seeing Brian...and he was beginning to believe that Brian did love Justin.
Trying to get through the day was damn near impossible for Brian. That fucking twat...who the fuck does he think he is? What a little queen! Getting a closer look at him today, he looks like he was shorted a few quarts on a blood transfusion. And that fucking hair? Has he no shame? I outta throw him some change for a good Kiehl’s moisturizer pack and some John Frieda. What he really needs is some iron supplements! What I wouldn’t give to shove that bow up his ass...and not in good way. Justin deserves the best...not this little fucker. Maybe I would be better with all this, if I knew he was right for Justin. Fuck that... no one is good enough for Justin...not even me. The violin...get fucking real, might as well be the banjo...at least have the decency to play a cool instrument...Great, now I have the theme to Deliverance in my fucking head!
Coming home to the empty loft, Brian stripped down and laid in bed. He thought about going online, but that thought quickly diminished. He needed something...that something was probably tangled in the arms of Edward Scissorhands, right at this moment. He got up and moved into the living area of the loft, walking over to the TV. Reaching to grab the remote, the tape of Yellow Submarine went crashing to the floor. Fuck. He bent down to pick it up and noticed that the case had broken and the tape was sticking out. Fuck...I broke it. Why do I always seem to break everything...bodies, minds and hearts. Feeling nausea coming in for a landing, he put the tape on top of the vcr and made a mental note to buy a new one...so, it would be here...when he came ho... Rolling his eyes, he reached down to turn on the vcr. Moving to the stereo and pressingng play on the cd player, he turned it on as loud as his neighbors could handle which was pretty loud thank God. The Cure’s The Upstairs Room resonated through the loft.
Next, he went searching for tonight’s dinner...and the winner is...Absolut Citron!
Foregoing the glass, he moved back to the couch and grabbed the remote, turning on the TV, blaring the volume on it as well. The music blaring and the images on the screen coming to life, he brought the bottle up and downed one of what would be many, many shots. The image spoke to him...”Come on, don’t make me wait, I need you.” A dark room, dark sheets and a body writhing on the bed, beckoning. He watched as a figure came into view and lay upon the other on the bed. Arms wrapping around the shoulders beneath. The tongue slowing moving up the neck, knees pushing between the legs beneath.
Cracking his neck, trying to relax, he drank in more of the Absolut.
Whispers and moans called to him. “Yeah, right there...You feel so good. Hey stop...that tickles!” the laugh coming...breaking his heart. He watched as the body that lay beneath ran his hands down the other’s back, his ass, and moved up to grip his hair, all the while whispering, “I love you...I love you...”
I love you too, he heard himself say. Shifting around, he moved his hand to his groin.
Sitting here naked on my couch, getting drunk at 7 pm watching a porno...how pathetic. How Ted Schmidt. That brought a laugh and a smile. If any of his so called friends could see him now...if they could see him night after night...doing exactly this...
As the forms on the screen molded into one with lips, tongues and cocks merging together, Brian started to stroke himself. Taking deep breaths in and out, he wanted this to last...he tried to make it last longer and longer each time...wanting to see if he could come with the figures on the screen. So far he wasn’t making it...the first couple of times he watched, he came when he saw the back of the guys head on the other’s cock. The next few times, he came when one entered the other. Lately, he was lasting until the top brought the bottom off, coming into his hands...with screams of pleasure.
Leaning his head back, Brian stroked himself softly but firmly at the same time. He could hear the voices, calling to each other...moaning each other’s names, gripping skin, falling into ecstasy. Reaching over to bring the bottle to his lips, not breaking his stride, Brian moaned a little and his mouth hanged open, as it got that way when he was close.
He didn’t hear the loft door open, or see Michael standing there. Like spying on Brian with the scarf...Michael couldn’t tear his eyes away. He only had to look at the screen and see Brian on the couch to know how much pain his friend was in. He heard Brian moan and whisper along with the dialog on the screen, repeating their words. He made himself look down, feeling very intrusive, but couldn’t leave.
The voices from the screen were becoming louder and louder and Brian was meeting the thrusts of the top with his strokes on his dick. As one of the voices screamed, “Oh my God...I love you Brian...I love you!”, he flexed his legs in front of him, toes curling, body rigid, he came at the same time as the figures on the screen and yelled in unison, “Justin! God...Jesus Fucking Christ...Justin...Justin...Justin!”
His body slumped against the leather of the couch. Breathing heavily, eyes glued to the screen, he reached for the bottle and drank in the last bit. He didn’t hear Michael backing out of the loft at the point of impact or closing the door. That sound was masked by confessions of the heart...of a heart breaking...of Brian’s heart.
Eyes still on the screen, Brian watched he and Justin lay together on the bed and breathed deeply. He watched himself break away from Justin and dispose of the condom. He watched Justin reach for a washrag to wipe the cum off his chest and stomach. He listened as they both giggled and talked about their foray into the Adult Entertainment business. He heard Justin say how he thought that the guys would be lining up to purchase Babylon’s beautiful couple at work. He listened as he heard himself reply how this was just for them. How beautiful they were together...
Brian watched himself pull Justin into his arms and kiss him deeply. He watched how Justin caressed his face and heard his pledge of undying love. He watched how he watched Justin sleep, watching the rise and fall of his chest. He remembered his thoughts, how he so much wanted to tell Justin that he loved him...maybe a little surprise for Justin next time he watched this and jerked off...he remembered how he couldn’t bring himself to do it.
Brian sat there watching the screen...the two figures now deep in sleep, then the screen went black.
He told himself he just forgot to turn off the camera.
He moved to get up, but staggered a little. Brian was drunk and that was the point of all this...torture and liquor. As he moved to throw away the bottle, he heard his phone ringing. He was going to let it ring, but remembered the calls from Justin and moved to pick it up.
“Yeah?” he breathed into the phone.
“Hey...its me. What’s up? Want to go for a drink?” Michael asked. He had gone back outside the building and waited. He didn’t know how long he should wait, but he knew that Brian needed him.
“Hey. No, actually I am working...I have been really busy lately and I need to get this done tonight. I have been working on it since I came home,” Brian replied, a little upset that the call wasn’t from Justin, but he knew it wouldn’t be...still he was glad that Michael was calling.
“Emmett said you came by today,” Michael replied, somewhat at a loss for words, which was unusual, but after the sight he just witnessed a short time ago, he was fumbling.
“Yeah, just wanted to touch base. It wasn’t important,” Brian replied.
“Okay then. Well, call me tomorrow or something. Oh, don’t forget about dinner at mom’s,” Michael threw in.
“Yeah, I’ll be there,” Brian said and clicked the phone off.
His sleep was fitful, as always...he couldn’t get warm enough...got too hot...his mind was racing. I miss you holding me...snuggling. I miss you reaching out for me during sleep. I miss hearing you whisper my name...I miss watching you sleep.
The next morning Lindsey called bright and early and ripped Brian a new one for not coming over to see Gus. He could hear Melanie in the back ground...”he doesn’t care...all he cares about is getting his dick sucked...it is all about Brian, no one else...when are you going to learn your lesson Linds?” Promising to come by Friday night, for fear of losing his left testicle, because that is what she said would happen, he hung up. Truth be told...it was hard being around them and Gus. They inevitably tore into him when given the chance and Gus would always say or try to say, Justin’s name when he saw Brian...the two, seemingly linked in the child’s mind. He knew Justin still came by to see Gus...and he appreciated that. He knew Justin loved Gus and Gus loved Justin. Knowing how selfish it was to keep away from Gus and Lindsey because of Justin, he couldn’t help it...his whole life was one big vicious circle...and Justin dissected the middle.
After class, making his way to Mikey’s store, Justin passed the throngs of people on the street. Just a few months ago, he couldn’t leave the loft...just a few months ago he needed Brian to breathe. Just a few months ago, he never pictured himself out of Brian’s grasp. He had gone over it many times in his head...could he have waited longer to hear it from him? I know he loves me...I could feel it when he was inside of me, I could feel it when he was standing next to me...I could feel it when he was angry. I feel it when we are together...that has got to stop. We have managed not to sleep together for the past few weeks, but that is only because we’ve been avoiding each other, who am I kidding. The opportunity is always there. I wonder if I came to the loft with my bags would he take me back? Would he say all is forgiven? Does he love me enough to write this off? I am going on...without Brian...not leaving him behind...just moving along. Did I actually think that I would be with him forever? Yes, I did. Did I actually think that Brian would start telling me he loved me when he came home, before we went to sleep, before we went on to our days? Yes, I did. Did I actually think that I could make a clean break from him? No, I didn’t. I know that I will always be tied to Brian. Being with Ethan doesn’t make me forget.
He came into the store and saw that Michael was on the phone. He went to the back and pulled out his portfolio and got the sketches he needed. Moving over to the drafting table he started to work. When he heard Michael get off the phone, he greeted him, “Hey.”
“Hey Justin. I was just talking to mom and she told me what happened,” Michael replied, moving over to the drafting table. Michael was pissed to say the least. He could not believe that Brian was still paying for Justin’s school and had indebted himself for another year.
All through the week they managed to avoid each other in person, but not in their thoughts. Justin would probably be shocked to know that sometimes Brian comes by PIFA on his lunch hour and parks a safe distance away, just to watch Justin, sitting at lunch in the quad sketching. Brian would be shocked to know that Justin sometimes walks by the loft at night, watching the neon glow illuminating his bedroom.
On Friday, Lindsey was stuck at school and Melanie needed to go back to the office. She completely forgot to tell Justin that Brian was on his way over. She left Justin up in Gus’s room sitting in the rocking chair, next to his crib. They had bought him a ‘big boy bed’ last week and assembled it just the other day. Justin smiled at the teddy bears and rainbows on the comforter, knowing that Brian would be so pissed off at this choice. As he listened to Gus breathe, you sound just like your dad...that wheezy sound...he missed that wheeze. He cranked the mobile a few times to hear “London Bridge is Falling Down”. He didn’t hear the front door open or the footsteps on the stairs.
Brian had a bad day at work today and wasn’t too fired up about getting shit from Melanie or Lindsey. He opened the front door and walked in, seeing and hearing no one. He walked into the kitchen and looked around, checked the backyard and saw no one. Coming back into the living room, he heard the faint melody coming from upstairs.
Moving up the stairs, he had images of Lindsey holding Gus in her arms and that made him smile. As he got to the top of the landing, images of Justin holding Gus came into view and that made him smile as well. He stopped at Gus’s door and listened to the melody fading and then heard the familiar crank of the mobile to start the music again. He moved to push open the door and walk in but stopped short. He saw Justin sitting in the rocking chair and watched as he moved to put his finger to his lips to shush whomever it was coming in. He got his finger midway up to his mouth when he saw that whoever it was, was Brian.
They both stood there staring at each other and you could almost hear the sound of both of their hearts hitting the floor. Being the first one to speak Brian moved inside the room and pushed the door to close it, “What are you doing here? I told Lindsey I was coming by.”
“I just came by to see Gus...I had no idea you would be here. Lindsey got caught up at school and Mel asked me to watch him while she ran back to the office,” Justin replied getting up out of the chair.
“Hmph, I’ll just go back downstairs and wait for Lindsey, since Gus is sleeping,” Brian replied, running his hands through his hair.
“No, don’t worry...I need to go anyways. Since you’re here, I can go,” Justin replied trying to walk past Brian.
“You don’t have to go. I know you still visit Gus and I am glad about that. You can always see him, I hope you know that,” Brian said, reaching out to grab Justin’s wrist. Why are we finding ourselves in these predicaments? Last time I was inside you was almost 2 weeks ago- a fucking eternity! I hadn’t seen you for a week in person, since yesterday. God, you are so beautiful to me.
“I love Gus and thanks for understanding that I want to see him. Look, I wanted to say I was sorry about how I reacted to you last time we saw each other. I do appreciate your help, I always have. I just wish I didn’t need it. Do you understand that?” Justin whispered, standing next to Brian...feeling his grip on his wrist. That touch...just that one touch...and you make me melt.
“Yeah, I understand, that is why I am doing it. What’s important is that you go to school. I just, wanted to let you know, that I still believe in you and want you to be okay,” Brian whispered back, remembering there was a sleeping baby in the room. He tightened his grip and turned his body so he could grab the other wrist. I am not letting you go again.
As Justin and Brian stood about a foot apart both of them were widely uncomfortable but completely in awe of each other. Justin watched as Brian’s eyes started to cloud up with that familiar lusty look. Brian watched as Justin’s body began to show him the familiar reactions from his touch. We can’t do this Brian...its wrong, but its so right. It’s not wrong...its never been wrong Justin. They were both jogged back to reality, seemingly lost in their own fantasies, by the sound of Gus coughing. They both turned to the crib and moved to check on him. Brian’s grasp never broke from Justin’s wrists.
“I should go Brian,” Justin spoke. I can’t be this close to you...you’re dangerous.
“You’re always leaving me Justin...can’t you stay for a minute or two?” Brian smiled, leaning his head down to touch his forehead to Justin’s. You are always leaving me...please come back.
“A minute between us is too long. I don’t trust myself Brian,” Justin broke the touch and looked up into the hazel eyes. Back away Justin...don’t trust yourself and don’t trust Brian. You know how you can’t resist him. You know how he makes you feel...how he touches me...how he fucks me...how he owns me.
“Just stay...I promise to be on my best behavior,” Brian smiled and chuckled lightly. Just stay for a minute. I miss you. I want to know how you’re doing, I didn’t get a chance to ask and no one will tell me. Do you miss me? Do you still love me? Could you love me again? Why are you with him? What does he give you that I couldn’t...besides spoken words?
Justin relaxed as Brian moved him to the bed. He watched how Brian drew an imaginary line between them and laughed. He watched how Brian’s facial expressions changed by the second. He knew them well...first there was relief, followed by content, followed by remorse, followed by denial, then closed up with longing...and that is what sinked him. He reached up to caress Brian’s cheek and saw how he moved into his touch. He looks so sad. He crossed the imaginary line and leaned into Brian’s shoulder, slightly nuzzling his neck. Brian pulled back and looked at him...this was the go ahead, and he wanted to make sure Justin was sure of this. As he leaned back in, Justin just smiled.
Leaning in to kiss Justin, he felt the boy respond hungrily. He moved his hand around to hold Justin by the back of his head, running his hand through the blonde locks. He missed that satin feeling...the smell of him...could he ever forget the smell? Justin reached up and moved the jacket off of Brian’s shoulders and pulled it down his arms, never breaking the hold he had on him with his lips. If this was broken, Justin would get up and walk away. I miss your strong arms, the way you hold me...the way you look at me...the way you feel inside me.
The jacket off, Brian pushed Justin down on the bed and lay his body on top of him. Ah, the feeling of him underneath me...the void is filled. His touch on me, his skin, his breath, his lips...I have been so lonely for you Justin. Do you know how lonely it is in the loft without you? Do you know how much I miss you? Does he make you scream like I do? Do you know how much this hurts me...I need you to be with me again. I promise I won’t let you down this time. Brian drew back his head and stared at the blue eyes drilling a hole into him. He knew that this was the third time that they had been like this, that had to mean something to Justin. Hoping against hope that Justin didn’t consider him just a fuck...that it was still Brian...that it was still the man he loved on top of him. Brian laid his head on Justin’s chest and faced away from him, he had felt tears brimming.
Melanie came in the front door and searched for Brian...she saw his Jeep outside and muttered an expletive to herself. She felt bad, forgetting to tell Justin he was coming over. She was sure that Justin was long gone by now, Brian driving him off...probably yelling at him, or telling him to stay away from Gus. He was a heartless shit...Love? Brian Kinney doesn’t know the meaning. She wished she understood why Lindsey was so captivated, so taken with him. And Michael? He was such a great guy, why would he waste his love on Brian. And then there’s Justin...could have the whole world at his feet...any guy would fall over, trying to get to him...and they have as she’s been told. But no, Brian kept him for himself...for his own personal pleasure, breaking the boys heart doing it. She saw no sign of Brian downstairs and went upstairs to bitch him out. She saw that the door to Gus’s room was slightly ajar and stood frozen at the sight.
Brian was lying on top of Justin and his eyes were closed. She stepped back a little, afraid that she would be caught, but she instantly moved back in. She saw Justin’s hand patting Brian’s head and running his fingers over the nape of his neck; Justin had a smile on his face. She watched as Brian lay there, looking content, and she noticed his grip on Justin. As they lay there, hands touching over their bodies and clothes beginning to come off, she didn’t know if she should run in there and stop Justin or knock the shit out of Brian. He was obviously taking advantage of Justin.
It was actually Justin taking advantage of Brian.
Justin sat up and pulled his shirt off and removed his pants and shoes. Brian sat and watched him and waited for Justin to unbutton his shirt. He moved off the bed...quickly, as his heart was breaking. I gotta get out here. I can’t do this...I can’t watch you walk away from me again Justin. I want you to be mine again, I want to feel you, but, you will leave after its over...and I can’t take it anymore.
As Justin stood up to bring Brian back to him, he reached for the buttons on his shirt. Brian reached and grabbed his wrists, stilling him. The look shared between the two was one of torment and denial. Torment of going through the motions and denial of feelings left unsaid. Justin smiled and pushed Brian’s hands away and leaned into his chest. He wrapped his arms around Brian’s waist and hugged him. Saying to him, its okay...I want this.
He had misunderstood Brian’s look, which was concern for Brian himself, not Justin. As Brian looked down at him, he couldn’t fight it any longer. Pulling Justin’s hands from around his waist, he pushed Justin back on the bed.
All the while Melanie stood and watched. Thinking that the sex fest would wake up Gus...and the thought of Brian Kinney fucking in their house almost made her puke. But as she watched the tenderness displayed between the two men...she was speechless and completely at loss for an intelligent thought. She noticed how Brian had got up to leave...but Justin pulled him back.
Brian removed his shirt and jeans and stared at Justin on the bed. He moved over to check on Gus again...and then lay back down on the bed beside Justin. The bed was tiny...Brian’s legs hung over the edge and Justin had curled himself into him. In Lindsey and Melanie’s house, in Gus’s room...it didn’t matter, it was a chance to feel whole again for Brian and a chance to love Brian again for Justin.
Justin reached over and brought Brian’s face to his and began to kiss him. Breathing in deeply, he inhaled his scent...that musky smell...that expensive soap and shampoo, the faint dabbing of a cologne that Justin had bought him. Brian pulled Justin on top of him and the implication was clear. Brian broke the kiss and moved to lay kisses on Justin’s chest and neck. Swirling his tongue over the alabaster skin of the video, of his dreams, of his love lost. He moved his hands down Justin’s arms and slid his body down further. He laid quick kisses on the boys stomach and moved down to take Justin’s cock in his mouth. He looked up as Justin had closed his eyes and his mouth came open. He loved that look...after all this time; he could still make Justin writhe in ecstasy...that was his look, no one else’s. He heard Justin softly whispering his name, “Brian....Brian,” and that made him smile.
Brian reached down to his jacket and pulled a condom from the pocket. He handed it to Justin and waited. Justin pulled back and allowed Brian to come back up to his level on the bed. Ripping open the packet, he looked back down at Brian. He had topped Brian many times...and he could never get over the feeling. And there were only a few times where they were face to face like this...Brian wanted to see his face and he wanted Justin to see his. Brian was giving himself to him freely, with no hints or nudges from him...just total submission.
The condom on, Justin reached down and pulled Brian’s legs over his shoulders and leaned in. Justin went slow as he entered him and watched Brian’s eyes close as he bit his bottom lip. The deep, slow thrusts in, was making both their hearts beat faster. It was never like this with Ethan...or with anyone else, but you. It could never be like this with anyone but you Brian. I miss you. He doesn’t kiss me like you do...he doesn’t make me feel inside like you do...I don’t scream his name from my heart and my lungs. Can I come home? I’m sorry. I am so confused. He dove into the velvet heaven and lost himself. Brian reached up to pull Justin to him...he needed to kiss him...he needed Justin’s lips on him.
If Melanie was shocked before...well, she almost had a heart attack at this. Here it was...the Great Selfish, Asshole, Motherfucker Brian Kinney letting Justin fuck him. She watched as what she swore were a few tears escaping Brian’s eyes. She saw how utterly lost they were in each other and she heard the whispers and pain and love between them. It was one of the most beautiful sights she had ever seen. She couldn’t describe it really, couldn’t fathom how Brian Kinney had displayed such utter love and passion for someone...he so loved Justin...she could hear it in his voice, saw it in his touch, felt it in her heart. She backed away from the door and quietly went downstairs. She would wait a few minutes and open the door and shut it loudly, signaling someone’s entrance, to make them aware. Melanie was dumbstruck...all that she knew and felt of Brian, how she thought he didn’t give a shit about Justin...that it didn’t matter to him...went away with the look of surrender Brian had displayed.
Later that night when Lindsey and she were getting ready for bed, Melanie told Lindsey what she saw. She explained how she slammed the door and yelled for Brian...She watched as Brian came down the stairs and led her into the kitchen...knowing he was allowing Justin to leave unseen. As she described what she saw in that bedroom, she was a little choked up. She told Lindsey how they both wrenched themselves away only for air...how they held hands, each others face, they kissed so gently. She told Lindsey how when she heard Brian moan Justin’s name, it was so sad...he sounded so sad. When he gave himself to Justin, she could see the hurt and loss in his eyes. She told Lindsey how Justin was so gentle with Brian and the way his body just molded itself to Brian...like they were one. The whispers and moans and inaudible between them was almost too much to bear, she said.
Melanie told Lindsey that Brian and Justin were so deeply in love with each other, if she ever had a doubt about how they felt...it was wiped away with today.
“Can you believe it? Brian Fucking Kinney...in love,” Melanie laughed.
She told Lindsey how Brian switched quickly into his asshole mood and got a few digs in and suddenly seemed the old Brian...she just smiled at him and Brian asked her if she was high, that making her laugh. Justin has to know Brian loves him...Lindsey agreed and smiled as she heard the beautiful story. They were indeed beautiful together and their love story rivaled Romeo and Juliet’s. The most tragic love story ever told...
What Melanie didn’t see between Brian and Justin, as she bowed out before the final act was a tangling of limbs, tongues, feelings, and hearts. As Brian moved under Justin, he wrapped his hands around Justin’s head, cradling his face. The smile, the eyes bearing into him. He felt Justin move inside him, pulling out and pushing back in, harder...faster...softer...slower. Justin laid kisses on Brian’s feet and shins, pulling them back over his shoulder, going deeper into heaven. The feel of Brian...inside of Brian...I fall deeper and deeper. Feeling the familiar pang of his orgasm, Justin gripped Brian’s legs and plowed faster. Brian tried to beg off his orgasm for as long as he could and tried to hold on to Justin for one second more...one more second please...one more second.
They came together...Brian splashing his cum over his stomach and Justin’s. Brian felt the hot release inside him and it filled both of their voids momentarily. They tried to be as quiet as they could...they tried. Strangled, muffled sounds, names whispered...moaned... practically screamed. Inner thoughts of abandon, wishful thinking and love resonated through Gus’s room.
On Saturday, Brian conveniently forgot about the dinner at Debbie’s. He knew Justin would be there, but didn’t know if he would bring Ethan with. He really didn’t need to see Justin again so soon...it hurt too much. Thinking back to yesterday, when they heard Melanie yell, they had been lying there wrapped in each other’s arms...softly kissing and touching. They quickly got dressed and didn’t speak...the afterglow was dim. Justin listened as Brian took Melanie into the kitchen and he slipped out the door. They didn’t get a chance to say goodbye...
Brian didn’t feel like listening to Ted drone on, Emmett queen out or listen to Debbie rip him a new one at dinner. He also didn’t want to watch the closeness of Michael and Ben. It had taken some getting used to for Brian with everyone referring to Justin as his boyfriend and to Brian as Justin’s boyfriend...and they always went out together. Seeing Michael and Ben, that reminded him of what he didn’t have anymore. So, he went out to Babylon instead. Justin arrived at Debbie’s alone, much to the relief of everyone but Ted and Michael. When he realized Brian wasn’t coming, he proceeded to get drunk.
As everyone was getting their coats to leave, Ted asked Justin if he could drop him off, that way he could finally get Ethan to sign his cd. Justin declined and waited for a better offer and accepted Ben and Michael’s offer. They all walked out at the same time and got into their respective vehicles. On the ride home Michael innocently asked him how it was all going with Ethan.
“It’s okay I guess,” Justin replied.
“Okay you guess? Is there something wrong?” Michael replied.
“No, not really, its just different. Everything is so different,” Justin responded. I can’t be myself. I can’t go out with my friends. I can’t listen to my music. I can’t out to Babylon. I can’t do anything that might remotely involve Brian. I can’t do this anymore.
“Sometimes different is better,” Ben chimed in. He looked in the rearview and saw the expression of Justin’s face...pain.
“Maybe,” was all Justin replied.
As Justin got out of Ben’s car, he saw the Jeep pulling up down the street. He waved Ben and Michael off and stood there next to the lamppost. Brian watched him and knew he had been spotted.
Brian looked on from afar a lot...he watched Justin walk out of the diner some nights, saw him get on the bus, as he followed it to Ethan’s apartment. He watched Justin open up the door to the apartment building and escape from his view. On the nights Justin stayed at Debbie’s, Brian would sit outside in the Jeep and watch Michael’s bedroom light come on and wouldn’t leave until it went out...hoping against hope that he was in Justin’s dreams.
Justin stood there for a few minutes, trying to fight the urge to walk over to the Jeep and get in and lose himself again, knowing that the alcohol gave him the liquid courage, this one would be a write off. Giving a slight wave, he turned and walked into the building. Coming inside the apartment, he saw that Ethan was in bed already. His heart was hurting. He knew what he and Brian were doing was wrong...no doubt about it. He knew that he wanted Brian, but if he could take a little part of Ethan with him; the part that told him he loved him all the time, everything would be right. He moved through the darkness and got out of his clothes. He left his underwear on and got in bed, scooting to the far edge, away from Ethan...he wasn’t in the mood anymore. Seeing Brian outside and tonight had diminished his need for Ethan, he couldn’t settle for less.
He found himself falling asleep quickly and the dreams came to him. Brian’s strong arm on his shoulder, feeling his body move to mold itself against Justin’s back. He felt his tongue nibble his ear and lay kisses in the crook of his neck. The strong hand and delicate fingers moved down to stroke his cock and harden him in Brian’s touch. The hot breath on his ear and the whispering of his name, made Justin warm and tingly all over. “I love you Brian”, he murmured through sleep and turned over to lean into him. At the mention of Brian’s name, Ethan suddenly pulled back and stared at the sleeping form. This had become a regular occurrence.
As Brian drove off, he resolved to leave Justin alone. He couldn’t take it anymore, it hurt too much. I thought if I waited it out...he would come back. I am such a fucking idiot. Every time we are together, I am so sure that you are leaving him and coming back...saving me. But, you walk away and go home to him. I can’t do this anymore...I love you Justin, but this is killing me. I give up.
The next few weeks Brian and Justin continued on with their avoidance of each other...Justin found himself looking up and down the streets for the Jeep, but saw nothing. Maybe he is finally giving up on me...maybe it’s for the best. Of course when I was deciding that this thing with Ethan wasn’t what I wanted, Brian retreats.
Too many fights with Ethan were taking its toll. All of a sudden Ethan was getting snippy and trying to drag down Brian whenever he got the chance, and Justin didn’t know where all of this was coming from. He was unaware of his nocturnal admissions...that he had been calling out Brian’s name during sleep or mistaking Ethan’s touch for Brian’s. Justin was beginning to withdraw from Ethan in bed...many times he had screamed for Ethan to fuck him harder...not all soft and cuddly but instead, Justin received snide remarks about him thinking of someone else...He wanted to scream back, “Whatever it takes to get me there...because you can’t!” He needed to feel it...he didn’t really feel much of anything anymore besides regret.
Brian had slowly started going out again, having kept himself away from Babylon and the baths for a little too long. He knew when he went out what he was looking for...blonde, blue eyed heaven. Anything to get his mind off of Justin...but it always backfired on him...he would be totally fucked up and see Justin instead of the nameless tricks.
Monday had started out roughly for Brian, he had a bitch of a headache and last night he made himself put away the video and pictures. He got so drunk and fucked up; he cut his hand slicing lemons for the tequila. As he went to the medicine cabinet to pull out a band-aid, he saw a few of Justin’s allergy medicines staring back. The name on the bottle, the address on Tremont, the phone number to the loft...Brian slammed the cabinet shut and the glass shattered everywhere. Pieces of broken glass all over the counter, the floor...pieces of his heart lay strewn at his feet. How appropos this was. He was too fucked up to try and clean up the mess so he went to the bed and threw himself on it. The alarm jarred him awake at 7 am...another day without Justin.
Justin was late getting to class as he had another argument with Ethan. Ethan now claimed that Justin wasn’t to be anywhere near Brian or Brian’s son. Well, that was total bullshit. He could try and keep him from Brian...he could try, but there was no way he was staying away from Gus. Getting to class, he received his assignment back with a less than stellar grade. He couldn’t believe it...he always had his art, that was his escape, but now even that was falling him. Ethan had invited him to one of his recitals tonight but told him to dress up and not to talk to anyone.
Seems that Ethan was still in the closet somewhat around his musician friends and his extended family. When Justin found out about his closeted state, he couldn’t fathom how hard it must be. But, when Justin was excluded from Ethan’s circle of friends and his family dinners, it wasn’t because of any ex boyfriend, it was because of shame. Justin was beginning to see Ethan as a walking, high talking, hypocrite. The few times that they had gone out together with Ethan’s friends, he felt his friend’s disapproval and heard their snide comments. A few of the always stinging, ‘What’s he doing with him?’ and of course the, ‘Ethan must be slumming’...Ethan always did nothing to stick up for Justin, just laughed along with the audible snide remarks and told Justin later not to worry about it.
Another scenario to compare Brian with Ethan. For all his shortcomings, at least Brian was proud of himself and not ashamed to be with Justin. He wondered many a time if what he was feeling was what Brian had felt. Did I smother him? Did I come across like some insecure little child? Did I make him want to run away from me, like I want to run away from Ethan?
So, he declined the offer, that lead to another argument and Justin found himself at the baths. He didn’t want to go to Babylon...he knew what he wanted but he didn’t want anyone to see him and he didn’t want to see Brian with anyone else.
That had happened a few times lately. He went out to Babylon looking for him...only to find him in the back room, with a limitless supply of replacements. They were all blonde and resembled Justin and that hurt. Brian was keeping his distance, but Justin felt the need to see him sometimes.
The only times he was ever at the baths was of course with Brian. Brian had told him never to go without him, for obvious reasons. If Justin were to go alone, there would be no one to fend off the unwanted and wanted advances...Justin smiled to himself as he walked down the hall to the sauna room. Brian was there to protect Justin from the seedy world of the baths, but also to give him a little taste of the real world. They fucked side by side, Brian making sure that Justin was okay with the situation at hand. If anything untoward should or could happen, Brian was there. He sat on the hot tile and looked around, letting his eyes adjust to the steam. He saw the men fucking on the floor, against the walls, right next to him. Feeling like this wasn’t for him, he moved out and into a room lit with neon lights and music blaring. He saw the men jerking each other, sucking each other, fucking each other. He needed a connection...he needed something fast and furious...not personal. He needed to not remember the guy’s face the next day...he needed to not care...he needed to become something other than what he was right now.
He moved against the wall, facing the scene...wanting to take it all in. He wondered why he wasn’t scared to be here alone...As two men approached him, one sidled up next to him, the other dropping to his knees. The one next to him shoved a bump under his nose and motioned for him to inhale. Taking it in, his mind instantly took a step back. Euphoria, muscles relaxing, the feeling of hands on his skin, he felt the towel drop. As those hands ran up his skin and over his stomach, the other set of hands pulled on his nipples and he felt tongues swirling upper and lower body. His eyes closed and he shut it all out...just submission of the mind. He saw Brian behind his eyes, saw Brian take his cock into his mouth, saw and felt Brian holding him close, felt Brian pulling him into ecstasy. He heard Brian say, “Fuck off”.
He opened his eyes quickly and saw Brian pushing the men away from him. He saw Brian exchange heated words with the two and then he saw Brian looking at him. Not saying anything, Brian reached down and grabbed his towel that was lying at his feet. Grabbing him by his arm, almost manhandling him, he was yanked from the wall and lead out of the room, Brian behind him, wrapping the towel back around Justin’s waist as they exited.
“Go get your clothes now and I will take you home,” Brian commanded him. Brian was so angry with Justin for this. As he stepped into the room, searching for Justin, he felt his friend nausea knocking as he saw Justin against the wall. The two men were taking over his body and Justin didn’t seem to mind. He obviously was on something, but didn’t seem aware.
“Fuck you Brian...what are doing here? Leave me alone!” Justin shouted, slightly staggering, the bump was fading and he had Brian standing in front of him giving him a disappointed look.
“Go get your fucking clothes...don’t make me tell you again,” Brian repeated, closing the distance between them.
Justin rolled his eyes, shook his head and walked to the locker room. What the fuck? Great. I pick a night when Brian comes...well, if I thought he missed me, I was wrong. He came what I came for. Why was he fully dressed though?
As Brian waited he looked around and was thankful that he saw Justin enter the baths. He was cruising down Liberty, looking for a parking spot when he saw him. He did a double take as he always did when he saw a blonde head. He was about to laugh it off when he saw his face. He immediately put on the breaks and pulled over to the curb. Fuck the ticket he would surely get.
Brian walked into the locker room and saw Justin sitting on a bench, with his clothes in his hands. He seemed to be crying and Brian carefully walked over and laid a hand on his shoulder.
“Are you alright Justin?” Brian asked in a soothing voice.
“I’m fine...why don’t you leave me alone. I am positive that I’m interrupting your evening of sucking and fucking. I don’t need you taking care of me,” Justin spat. Where have you been? I haven’t seen you in so long...you just forgot about me.
“I am taking you home,” Brian responded.
“I don’t want to go home Brian,” Justin replied. I want to go home with you...take me home Brian...take me back to our home. You can do whatever you want...just come home to me...I will wait for you forever.
“Well, you don’t want to be here Justin, I know that. Don’t do this to yourself...you’re better than that,” Brian said, sitting down next to him. He reached over and took Justin’s shirt and pulled it over his head. “Lift up your arms before I break them,” he laughed.
“You don’t know what I want...I don’t know what I want...I don’t know anything anymore,” Justin said softly. He lifted his arms and let Brian put on his shirt. He sat and watched as Brian gently pulled on his pants and helped him with his shoes.
“Why are you doing this?” Justin asked, catching Brian’s eyes.
“Because I know you...that’s why. Come on, let’s go,” Brian responded.
As they walked out of the locker room, Brian pushed Justin along, keeping his hand on his shoulder, to ward off any interlopers. He had to glare at a couple of men who were ready to swoop in. He also had to push off a few suitors for himself. He was in no mood for sexual escapades, a virtual first for Brian in the baths. His only desire was to take Justin out of there and clean him of this. Once outside, Brian motioned to the Jeep and pulled out his mobile. Justin climbed in and sat and listened to the one sided conversation.
“I can’t make it...something came up.”
“Yeah...about 6’3, dark hair, 9” cock...you know the type.”
“Call me tomorrow. Tell Buddha hello for me.”
Brian climbed in the Jeep and asked Justin where to. He didn’t notice Emmett and Ted on the sidewalk across the street watching the Jeep.
“Not only are they secretly fucking...but now, they’re back at the baths?” Ted asked Emmett incredulously.
“I cannot believe it! Should we go over and say hello? Let’s bust them big time,” Emmett laughed.
“Do you think Ethan knows about this? How could Justin do this? Ethan is so great!” Ted replied.
“Ted, get off of it. Just because Ethan plays the violin, doesn’t mean he’s great for Justin. Opposites attract you know, look at George and me,” Emmett said.
“Opposites is right...its like Heaven and Hell. I just don’t understand Justin or Brian for that matter,” Ted replied.
“What’s to understand about love?” Emmett smiled and took Ted’s arm. They both agreed not to say anything to Ben or Michael. They thought it more fun to torture Brian with this information.
“Take me to the loft Brian,” Justin whispered.
“No,” Brian replied curtly.
“What? You don’t want me now?” Justin replied, slightly shocked. His heart fluttered at Brian’s response.
“You need to go home and be with your boyfriend,” Brian replied. He couldn’t believe that he said that. He wanted nothing more than to take Justin back to the loft. Shower him off, shower him with kisses, shower him with his love. But he had to admit defeat...finally.
Pt 3(coming)