| Hall Of Shame Part 2: The Greatest Guttenbergs continued. 4.No Holds Barred-This must have been a good idea on paper. I mean after all wouldn't Hulk Hogan be at least convincing as a wrestling superstar? Nope. Only Hulk Hogan's beautiful acting craft could make one pine for Chuck Norris. In this camp classic we have Hogan as a wreslter who makes hitmen soil their cottons. A wrestler who's biggest one liner is. "I'm not gonna be around, when this check clears!" Or for that matter the most popular TV show is called "Battle of the tough guys." (Subtle, real subtle) or that Hogan eats in classy French restaurants and wears pink underwear. Truly this is the greatest satire ever told about professional wrestling as well a gripping story about a TV network and the extent it goes to ensure the bottomline. The best moment of all is when Hogan confronts his would be assassin, ready to pulverise. To Wit: Hogan:"What's that smell?" Moron assassin:"Dookie!" Hogan: "Dookie?" 3.Howard The Duck-Another obvious turkey but who can't smile at such a beloved atrocity? Take the opening where Howard is sitting in his room when all of a sudden he's sucked out of his apartment and is sent to Cleveland, however during his flight we see a female duck masturbating in the bathtub (complete with her breasts shown.) also before his flight we learn that ducks suffer from jock itch. Also we get Lea Thompson in a very tight underwear shot (Not that I'm complaining, it's the best moment of the movie.) in which she and Howard are about to go down on each other. Also Howard believes in safe sex as Lea Thompson goes through his wallet. Howard also cleans up a brothel where people are seen having sex. All of this of course a PG kids movie.The plot also concerns dark overlords and an embarrassing performance from Tim Robbins. All of this hilarious. Indeed I couldn't keep giggling when Howard yells "BUG OFF BA BA BA BA!" Lea Thompson was also hot even if she fucks ducks. 2.American Kickboxer 2-Where do I even start with this one? Let's start with what I learned. I learned that it would be better to pay your uncle 20 million dollars to pay a 2 million dollar ransom. That the only inner peace Evan Lurie cares about is the piece swinging between his legs. How about the part where a blender drowns out a helicopter. Or that the security guards don't notice the helicopters flying close to their pool. Or when Dale Cook and Evan Lurie jumpkick a cabin wall down. Dialogue which consists of To Wit: "You got bigger tits than my girlfriend, dude" "He's got a real nice butt!" "My name is pollo collo and my pollo is going up your collo! Bubba!" (This is of course said by men to other men) "Remember when you asked me about why I cheated, and then you hit me you son of a bitch!" "You won't cheat with the mailman but you will with the gardener, the right gardener! Tell me what you said sumbitch!" "Your ass is grass, Yeah and were the lawnmowers!" And much much more, this would be the greatest bad movie of all time, if not for... 1.SGT PEPPER'S LONELY HEART'S CLUB BAND-Here it is the coveted # 1 bad movie of all time, the king of guttenbergs. Why? Well the idea of The Bee Gees as action heroes is enough to skyrocket this one into the top position. The movie finds Peter Frampton and The Bee Gees trying to save heartland from Future Villain Band (Aerosmith) in order to do this they have to get back the instruments. Now these are never indicated as special instruments but then again continuity is not one of the film's strongest assets. This is the only movie where you get to see Steve Martin, George Burns, Keith Carradine and Donald Pleasance butcher The Beatles greatest songs. While I myself like Peter Frampton's music, one cannot help but laugh at the hair styles he and The Bee Gees sport through out. Also adding to the hilarity is that Frampton and Bee Gees wear pink disco suits and look incredibly gay. Did I also forget to mention that characters are named "Strawberry Fields", "Lucy Diamond" and "Billy Shears" Or that Alice Cooper shows up singing "Because" or that Steve Martin screams when he sees the Bee Gees for no apparent reason? (Maybe he smelled polyester) Actually to be fair Frampton's "Long Winding Road" is an okay cover (Just not as good as The Beatles) but that doesn't stop this from being the greatest guttenberg of all time. What more can you say about a movie in which Frampton and Bee Gees (Dressed in pink and white disco suits) chase a fast moving truck with a hot air ballon! There are bad movies, there are terrible movies and there is SGT PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND. A movie so bad, it made VH1's most shocking moments in music history. I rest my case. Back to 10-7 Back to Movies In The Attic |