Females

DISCLAIMER-I appreciate the roles of women and this article does over-exaggerate a few things so, uh, take it with a grain of salt?


Females are obviously the weaker of the two sexes (well, 3 sexes, once you factor in idiots that wear flip-flops and shorts along with a denim jacket and a silk shirt in the middle of December). My reasoning for this?

1) How many women have fought in wars (not including those feminist dykes)? I'm not asking how many women are in the military because they're only in it to make false accusations of being raped for a big pay day. I mean women on the front lines, taking three bullets to the chest and still getting a shot in on the enemies of the world (the Baldwins, etc). Not too many. Now, let me tell you a little story about a man named Forrest Gump. This badass got shot in the buttocks and still managed to carry a dozen or so of the men out of the forrest in Vietnam. He even had time for the black guy. That's saying something. Women sit back and perform the three C's. Cook, clean and complain. Forrest gets shot in the ass and carries a crapload of guys out of the woods. A woman breaks a nail and cries.

2) Why is it that no female can handle the dead baby jokes? Those are high quality entertainment and all you can come back with is "I hope you never have kids". I agree. I mean, even if I wanted to, the erectile disfunction would cease any hopes of that.

3) They're always out to impress. Gotta have everything perfect. Nails, hair, makeup, padded bras...the works. As most people can tell, it takes me and my fellow he-mans about 20 minutes and we're out the door.

4) They talk behind peoples' backs. Hey, I know I'm ugly, not very funny and have a misshaped head, you don't have to tell people behind my back. Just be prepared to meet me outside where I will proceed to throw down on your candy asses.

5) They're airheads. Period. Yes, I realize I just put three "periods" in a row. I did it intentionally to lead me to this...

Yes, women have their bad sides but hey, they must be pretty badass. I mean, they bleed for a week and still won't die. What the hell.


-Charlie in the Trees