When I checked my e-mail one faithful Saturday morning, I was greeted by the most wonderful surprise. Nearly a full year after I stopped writing for the Idiot Pirate, I received my first hate mail. My first hate mail. Hate mail. It just sounds awesome. Knowing that all our efforts here finally combined into something to piss some poor sap off that we don't even know. What's even better, I get to join the ranks of guys I laugh at like Maddox himself, and write a smart-ass response to this hate mail that makes me look a bastard.

From: (named removed to protect privacy)

To: RynoD44444@carolina.RR.com

 

Have you ever tried playing soccer? If you haven't, which I doubt you have, it's hard. Also, why don't you try playing against people older than you by like 10 years older than you. And the 1 million was just for signing him, now he is getting more than 2 million dollars a month. From your letter you call people that watch soccer homosexuals, the only homosexual here is you.

______________________________

Ok, first off, I personally didn't write that article about soccer...Charlie in the Trees did, but, since you mention it to me, no I have never tried playing soccer, and I'm sure its a hard sport to play. But I'm sure taking a pounding in the ass from a 400 pound black man is pretty hard too, yet that doesn't make it any less homosexual.

I don't think a ten year old advantage is that much of an advantage. I'm 17, a pretty athletic guy, and I can whip a 27 year old at pretty much anything. You name it: basketball, football, pool, fart contests, light saber duels. My ass kicking is all-encompassing. Freddy Adu is only good at kicking older guys asses in soccer. I can do it in everything else. El Quaker - 1, Freddy Adu - 0.

And you say he is getting paid two million dollars a month now? Does anyone else find it ridiculous that an over hyped teenage athlete is getting paid 2 million dollars a month, yet the guys who do useful stuff like cure cancer or write the English language track for the Iron Chef and mXc get paid next to nothing? It's a matter of necessity. What is more important to the average American, a scrawny Ghana kid that plays soccer, or the guy who manages to figure out just what the hell Chairman Kaga is telling us the featured ingredient is? There's plenty of soccer players, but only one Chairman Kaga. ALEZZ CUISINE!!

I guess I should say something sensible, like "everyone is entitled to their opinion," or "not everyone likes the same things." But, instead, I'm going to say ,"Soccer sucks ass because I say so, and only bitches with vaginas like you enjoy watching it. Also, I'm the fucking man, and you're a whiny little pansy." It's pretty sad that you take time out of your day to send an e-mail like that to me over a little site that no more than a couple hundred people read a month, mostly friends of mine. But, since there's a good chance you found this site by searching for 3 boobs, or nasty boobs, or pirate boobs, I guess you're crazy enough to do anything.

Idiot Pirate, back to kick ass in 2005

...maybe, if my English teacher backs off the fucking homework.

 

-El Quaker

People still call me Hot Pants, damn it.