And so the tribe of the Parasites did say unto the Profit (that will be ten bucks please), oh great Profit, thou art wise and sage (with just a hint of Thyme and some Rosemary, possibly a bit of Parsley too). “Tell us what it means to be?”

And so spake the Profit (twenty bucks please).

“Mock ye not the one legged man in an arse kicking contest, for he knows not how to compete, but have sympathy for him, less you are visited by a plague of very nasty boils in the nether regions.

Yeah, though it is written, then shall it be written on the toilet wall. If not, then it ain't worth badger spit.

Consider not the lilies of the field, (for they toileth not), for the Profit (sixty bucks please) has hay fever an liketh not those bloody stinking weeds that maketh him sneeze and also maketh his eyes to water like bloody Niagra Falls.

Lyeth not with thy neighbour’s wife in carnal knowledge of each other, for the Profit (a hundred bucks please) doth fancy her something rotten himself and wants first dibs on her cute buns.

Thou shalt not suffer a Koala Bear to live. For it is written, (though not on the toilet wall and is therefore obviously a steaming pile of donkey doo doos) for they that eateth of the tree that is known as the yucal....ecul....eucalpy...the Oak tree. And it don't half bugger up the acorn harvest.”

Amen (two thousands bucks please, no cheques)

And lo (and sometimes high, but we won’t go there), the multitudinous tribes of the Marmites did gather at the home of the Profit (five bucks, discount week) and they did wail and moan and there was much gnashing of teeth, for they sought wisdom.

“Tell us oh great Profit, what is the meaning of Spaghetti?” And they did grin at their smart arse question, and the Profit (six hundred bucks for the smart arse question) did say unto them.

“Oy, get thee hence to darkest night thou sons of a million weevils in my biscuits for lo, thou art on my lawn and thy bloody great big feet hath buggered it up big style. And dost thou know how much it cost in weed killer and how much gardeners cost these days? Obviously not,” and he did curse them to a fate worse than a lifetime in the company of Ronald Reagan.

The Profit (closing down sale everything must go), did grin back at the hordes, for they were sore afraid, (or possibly afraid of his saw, which he did brandish in a manner most threatening) and he said unto them, “Ask not what the Profit can do for you, but what you can do for the Profit.” And the hordes did frown. Then one spoke above the rest and did say, “You bloody cheat. For those are not your words to use, thou pincher of other peoples speeches.”

And the Profit was much vexed and did give the unbeliever a right ding around the ear hole. There was then much merriment among the faithful.

The Profit (two for one all this week) did then speak again and those gathered did listen intently for they were afeared that they too would receive the same boxing of the lugs as the last one who interrupted the great man.

He spoke thusly. “If a man steals your shirt, then offer him your coat as well. If a man should strike your cheek, then turn the other cheek that he might strike that too. But when he is not looking, a good swift size nine boot in the goolies usually does the trick.” And the crowds there gathered did sigh at the great man’s wisdom.

A voice from the throng did cry out. “Tell us of truth oh Profit.”

The Profit did think for a moment and did reply thusly. “Truth is as Truth does.” The crowd did frown yet again, for they understood not what was meant. And the Profit did see that his words had caused confusion and so he did clarify them. “Don’t try and understand it. It’s all very Zen.”

Then the Profit did smile, for it was his want to be enigmatic and to do things like smiling without reason, for it put the willies up those gathered, they thinking him bonkers.

He did then relate to them the tale of the boy who cried two toed tree sloth once too often, and who was sorely beaten with sticks and long metal poles and gorilla pizels by those who knew not what the hell he was talking about. And the faithful were satisfied that they had at last got their monies worth.

Amen (trade-in accepted on old prophecies)

And it came to pass that the people of the Troglodytes did come upon the Profit one day and he did say unto them, “Look, can’t a bloke take a piss without some idiot bothering him?” and they bowed unto him. He did shaketh off the drips, and once his majestic wand was safely stowed under his robe again, he then felt compassion for them and did address them thusly.

“If you truly seek wisdom then I shall enlighten you,” and so he spake.

“How many roads must a man walk down, before you may call him a man?”

And the faithful gathered did look to the Profit (No charge…this once) with a pleading in their eyes, for they were simple folk and had no grasp of such complex matters as existential realism. And then again the Profit did speak, saying, “Oops sorry, that was my Walkman. I just love that song.”

Then one of those gathered did ask the Profit, “Tell us, how me might redeem our souls from eternal torment in hell Profit?” And the Profit did seize upon the opportunity to make a little extra cash, by telling them where to deposit the evil money that was weighing them down into the deepest pits of Hades. But they were sorely vexed, for they knew not of such things as numbered Swiss bank accounts.

Then the Profit (ten percent off, today only) did say, “To the victor the spoils. To the looser, a life time of free aid from the victor, not to mention war damages and first choice of rocket scientists.” And the people did nod with wise agreement, muttering under their breath, “Is he a loony, or what?”

The Profit did dismiss them to the winds, winds of his own making for he had eaten well of the cabbage and beans that they had brought him in his honour and he sent them on their way, the words of his great wisdom ringing in their ears.

“You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get it to dress in a tutu and dance the Can Can, then you are surely on your way to your first million.”

Amen (Corner)

The people of the tribe known as the Fuckarewe did seek the Profit for an answer to their plight. Being short of stature, and living they, as they did, in a place of tall grass, they did jump up and down in glorious celebration of their people. And shouteth did they, “Where the Fuckarewe?”

They found the Profit (and Loss) in contemplation of matters deep of importance and meaning. When they came upon him, he did speak unto them saying, “I’ll be buggered if I know how to open these bloody milk cartons without spilling the bloody lot on the floor.” They were in awe of his wisdom and his contemplation of matters most philosophical.

The Profit did sayeth unto the Fuckarewe, for it was obvious that they were not going to go away until he said something profound, “If it takes half a hen, half a day to lay half an egg, then how long does it take a one eyed kipper to swim through a meter of molasses?” In even greater awe were they now, for they understood not what was meant by this proclamation of wisdom, and the Profit (Open for business 24/7) did grin and say unto them, “That’s foxed ya, you short arsed little sods,” and he did return unto his milk carton contemplation.

But the Fuckarewe were not to be deterred and they sought greater enlightenment. One of their number saying, “Profit, tells us of man’s inhumanity to his fellow man,” and the others of his tribe did scowl, saying unto each other, “I was going to ask that question, no I was, really.”

The Profit (Buy one, get one free) did think long on this conundrum and did reply to them thusly. “Do unto others as they would do unto you…….but do it first, and make sure the bastards don’t get up again afterwards.”

The Fuckarewe were much satisfied at this pronouncement, for it did fit right in with their own plans for the tribe who lived in the short grass nearby and who were far to smug by half.

Amen (and women)

And it came to pass (again), that the Profit was sought out by those seeking answers to life’s mysteries. He was sought by the tribe known as the Armourlites from the northern wastes of the land known as Amerryka. A tribe known for their belligerent attitude and their manner of getting right up everyone’s nose by always telling them that they were the best at everything. And they did say unto the Profit, “Yo, Profit dude. What gives you the right to sit here and judge everyone like you do, sucker?”

The Profit did sigh deeply, for he was used to seekers of enlightenment questioning his wisdom. And so he did reach behind him and he did produceth a Smith & Wesson .44 Magnum revolver, with the nine-inch competition barrel and hair trigger, loaded with mercury tipped dum dum bullets and he did brandish it before them saying, “This does dude, wanna make something of it, sucker?”

Amen (Praise the Profit and pass the ammunition)

As the Profit (All you can listen to for a dollar), did wander the waste lands in search of new markets for his brand of wisdom and enlightenment, he did happen across a tribe known as the Bakerlites. They were of rude cast and did offend the eye of those who beheld them, such was their deformity. But this did not deter the Profit, for he too was of rude form and he found them to be kindred spirits. Well, at least in their company he did not look so bad, so he decided to stay for a bit.

It was on the eve of the great feast that the Profit was asked to preside over the affair. Never having had an affair before, he was sore afraid in case he made a right pig’s ear of it, but preside over it he did.

And the tribesmen sought his council and did ask many questions of him.

After the feast they did produce pipes to smoke. They did offer the pipe first to their honoured guest and he did partake of the pipe filled with the weed that was named by the tribesmen as Cannybis. Foresooth, there was much giggling and falling over soon after. And the tribesmen did ask of the Profit, “What is the meaning of life, oh great one?”

The Profit did giggle once more and did place one finger in front of his nose and move it backwards and forwards with much crossing of the eyes and lo, he did giggle and fall over again.

Then he thought long on the question asked of him and did reply thusly. “Life, right, life. Life is like a shit sandwich, right?” There was much scratching of heads amongst the tribesmen, for this was a new one on them and no mistake. But the Profit continued.

“Life is like a shit sandwich my man. B’cos, right, b’cos the more bread you have, right, the less shit you have to eat,” and then oblivion did envelope him and he did sleepeth the sleep of the seriously stoned out of their tiny gourds.

Amen (Man) A

And after his sojourn with the Bakerlites, the profit did swear to those of the faith that he would never consume of the weed again by saying, “I don’t smoke dope no more,” but snickereth did he under his breath and sayeth, “Don’t smoke it no less neither.”

And so the Profit (We got bargains up the yazoo) did high himself away unto the tribe of the Sodomites, being careful to keep his back against the wall wherever possible and he did preach unto them and he did enlighten them with his wisdom, as he had done to so many others, and payeth did they for his council. Listen Bub, nothings free in this world.

And the Sodomites did gather to hear him speak, for despite their other faults, they were great listeners.

The Profit did address them thusly. “Despite mine words to the Fuckarewe, I do not condone doing unto others as you would have them do unto you, especially not in this town.” And the Sodomites did grin in a most evil way and Profit did fair cack his pants with fear.

Then one in the crowd did cry, “Tell us of justice Profit,” and he did ruminate on this for a time before answering the man.

“You manifestly wrong even the poorest ploughman, if you demand not his free consent, and if you consider what you lot get up to, then I think the key word here is CONSENT!”

And the Sodomites did nod in agreement, though somewhat sheepishly, not looking each other in the eyes. And then one of those gathered did ask, “Profit, tell us of leadership,” and the Profit did not hesitate in his reply.

“If I were the leader of your people, I would lead from the rear, definitely not the front, I can assure you.”

Amen

And so the Profit did wander further afield and soon he did come upon the tribe of the Ammonites, an insular people who retreated inside their shells when faced with that which they did not understand or which put the willies up them, which basically was everything.

So, much coaxing was needed to bring them forth to hear (and pay for) his words unto them. But gaineth did he their trust (not to mention much of their hard earned cash).

And lo, he did address them thusly.

“Fear ye not the man with the scar on his face, but fear ye well the man that gave it unto him.” And the Ammonites did tremble much, for they feared everything, and did not need this talk of men with scars for it did put the wind up them much, and examineth did they all who came into view, looking for serious scarring and deformity or birth marks in the shape of strawberries and similar.

But one of their number had some small amount of courage and he spake unto the Profit asking, “Tell us of fear oh great Profit,” for it was a subject close the hearts of the Ammonites, and the Profit did speak of it unto them.

“You have nothing to fear but fear itself.”

With these words the Ammonites did run from the gathering screaming much, for this was the final straw for them and they were now beyond hope of further financial exploitation.

And so the Profit did gather up his takings for the day and did set off in search of new pastures and even more gullible peoples, saying unto himself as he left the place of the Ammonites, “What a bunch of losers.”

Amen

And the Profit did venture forth again on his travels and he was gladdened at his good fortune, for he had now made much money and was thinking of retiring to a little place on the coast, when he came upon an unknown people. Thinking unto himself, “A little more money never hurt anyone,” he decided to speak unto them and to place yet a few more feathers in the nest of his building to warm the egg of financial independence.

And he did address them.

But lo, the tribe he had fallen upon, unknown unto him as they were, were the tribe known as the Muggerites.

Soon he was in full the flow of his oration, and listen did they unto his words. Once finished he did pass round the hat for a collection. But when the hat failed to return, he did realise that he was in dire straights and that now would be a prudent time to get the hell out of here. But it was too late, for the Muggerites did close in upon him and did relieve him of his heavy burden of cash, jewels and other items that the might well be able to sell on for a serious Profit. AMEN