Letters From the Back

Hey Sara and Sara's mom,

As promised, here is my first day of school email. First of all, this university, which claims to be a "Christian" University, yet I had class at 7:30 in the morning today. There is NOTHING religious about waking up at 6 am and driving for a half an hour! Anyhow, my first class was at 7:30 am, which actually looks like it is going to be a cart full of horse poop load of work (must be censored for the mom, since no one who has ever given birth, over the age of 65, or is referred to by almost strangers as "ma" or "pa" can hear or see any foul language. Rumor has it that if they do, they will systematically send out bars of soap to the evildoers and make them wash out their mouths with soap.). The class is elementary art education, which looks like it will be a lot of fun, but we have to put together this portfolio of drawings collected from children (what children??? I go to school. I don't see any children! Unless they're college freshmen with hangovers...). So, if you have any old artwork from the ages of 2-12, I could use it for this class. I'm assuming (but I emailed the prof just in case) that I get everything back. We're supposed to use original artwork from children ages 2-12 and categorize it under different stages of development. I guess we're just studying drawing and crayon work, since he said he didn't really want collages.

Everyone who is an education major said that this is the most labor intensive class in the curriculum, so I'm glad I picked it out to be my very first class at a new school. Yay. Ok, my second class is Math. For Elementary school teachers. They say it's difficult, but everyone in that class seems a few sandwiches short of a picnic. It does NOT look difficult, but the professor insisted it was a lot of work. But I talked to a girl after class who had taken it the previous quarter, and she said she had never had a problem with math, and she thought it was easy. Oh, by the way, everyone else in this class is like, 19, skinny and blonde. I kid you not. There's ONE other girl who is in the certification program, who seems really cool, who seemed like she had her lightbulb turned on. Everyone else, again, seemed a few doughnuts short of a dozen.

And everyone at this school is good looking. It's scary. Everyone dresses well (including the guys!) and all the women wear makeup and nice clothes. There are no bummy people whatsoever! I saw a girl wearing stiletto heels to class. Maybe it's all those vapors they inhale in church. Or maybe they all aspire to slowly put on more and more makeup the older they get, so one day they will all look like Tammy Faye Bakker. Seriously, you have to visit me and see these people. They're all skinny. How annoying. They ALL have perfect hair. Even more annoying. AND no one has acne. It's like they took all the undesirable people out and this is some kind of brochure ad for the university: "Where there are no overweight, oily skinned or wrinkly clothed people hanging around. And no black people either." OK, I was the only non-white person in my art class. I'm going to use inductive reasoning and say that minorities don't get up before 9 am. I did see three African-Americans, a whole bunch of Asians, and . . . me.

Oh, by the way, they changed my schedule, WITHOUT telling me. My math class got moved to an hour and a half earlier. Half of the people didn't show up for that precise reason.

I am so not looking forward to this so-called Christian University finding out I'm pregnant and unmarried. Yeah, everyone thinks Justin and I are already married, and I'm getting in so much shit tripping over my lies. Maybe I'll make it to a page in the National Enquirer, because it's really headline, groundbreaking news around here that sex happens before marriage. I don't know what I'm going to do.

Well, I actually do have some homework I should do before I crash.

*****

Hey Sara,

There are a million things that I should be doing right now, but I'm writing you this email instead. I haven't written one single thank you card. The idea of thank you cards makes me shudder. What's the point, anyhow? It's some kind of torturous process that you have to do to vindicate all those people who don't really like you or know you, but had to give you a present because you were getting married. Oh, yeah, they don't mind forking over the fifty bucks if they know that I'll have to write three hundred thank you cards in exchange for all those fifty dollar bills. I'm not sure it's worth the money. And it's not like Justin is going to help. I actually told him not to because he was doing all the work around here while I had finals, and so I made him a deal (stupid, stupid me) that if he did the housework while I had finals, I would do all of the thank you cards. I am currently banging my head against the desk as I type this to you, thinking of that compromise.

OK, random thought. The kid that I tutor, Matt, is studying the Great Compromise. You know, Roger Sherman made this deal that created the House and the Senate. It's a "great" compromise and all, but I just wonder where those guys got the chutzpah to say, "I believe this is not just a compromise, but this is the Great Compromise. In history books, make sure that they capitalize the g and the c, because it's a work of genius on my part, and even though no one is going to remember me, because Roger Sherman is not the name of a man from eighteenth century revolutionary America, but rather the guy next door who's always watering his lawn and wearing black socks and shorts, people will remember that in the seventh grade, they learned about the capital g Great capital c Compromise and that it was something important." You know, you have to be really full of yourself to think that something you created is the GREAT anything., like the great Gatsby. He wasn't very great at all. You know, I could start a written discussion with you over Gatsby, but you and I both know that we hate that book, even though it's "an American classic." Do you really think that schools should make kids read all these classics, when they don't understand what's going on in them? Don't you think they should be reading something that actually relates to them? What tenth grader is going to relate to a rich man on East Egg or West Egg, I forget where he lives, who is "new money" and loves another man's wife. How many kids can relate to this guy? Making kids read The Catcher in the Rye makes more sense. Most kids can relate to troubled teenagers (like me, wink, wink, nudge, nudge), and most kids I knew in high school read that book before they had to. Now that's the sign of a classic. A book that's read even though it doesn't have to be read. Of course, that would make, like Steven King books classics. I'll fine-tune my definition of a classic later.

I was just thinking about my professor, the one I actually like, Dr. Simon. She was telling us how she taught Old Man and the Sea to a bunch of kids who were in her class because they had flunked every single English class they had ever taken. You have to be an elite to do this. Anyhow, these kids were football players, or macho guys, or whatever, and they did not want to read "a classic." Of course, she really had no choice in whether she was going to teach them this book, because she had to teach these losers because she was a new hire and this was the only book on the shelf. New teachers don't get any budget. Isn't that great? I'm really looking forward to getting crapped on when I'm a teacher! I think that the National Education Association makes you take that oath before you become a teacher, just to make sure you won't run out screaming on the first day of class. I can just see it: "I, your name here, promise that I will smile when I get obscenities thrown at me repeatedly by my students. I promise that I will teach from racist, sexist textbooks. I promise that I will allow the school to pay me twenty thousand dollars a year, and make me get a nighttime waitressing job just to support myself. I promise that I will say, 'Yippee!' when the administration tells me that I will not have a budget to spend on my classroom." Isn't that a great profession? I'm really glad they value teachers so much in America. Anyhow, Dr. Simon has this room full of delinquent boys that are not about to sit down and read Hemingway, and she doesn't know what to do, so she tells them to make this formation that's about eighteen feet across, and weighs about as much as all the boys in the room (they were all boys in this classroom). So of course, they have no idea how this relates to English, and they don't really care, because it sounds fun. They all get into this formation, and when they've gotten there, Dr. Simon says, "That's the size of the fish in Old Man and the Sea. Now, this old guy in a boat alone, and his boat is half the size of this fish he's trying to catch. Why the hell does he want to do it?" And the kids get it immediately, because these kids know exactly why he wants to do it. Because it's impressive, that's why. Because this guy is a show-off, a "macho man" as Dr. Simon called him, and "macho men" don't give up. Then she told them that this macho man, Hemingway, who wrote the book, blew his brains out. "Not very macho. Why would this show-off do this?" Of course, they all wanted to know, because they could relate to this guy now. So she went on to tell them about Hemingway's life. Isn't that amazing? Now those are the kind of stories that make you want to become a teacher, even though you know that's like, one percent of the moments in the classroom. Anyhow, I should probably stop writing and do something productive. I know I'm not actually going to do anything productive, though. I'm going to climb back in bed. Yeah, it's 9:30, but I have all of this work to do, so it makes logical sense that I should spend the day in bed instead, or maybe on the sofa watching TV. I have an excuse. I'm big and fat and pregnant. Talk soon.

love,

*****

Hey,

I'm procrastinating. It's really sad that it's only the second week of school, and I have barely any homework, and I'm procrastinating. I just REALLY don't want to be in school right now. And I'm really regretting taking that tutoring job. I mean, I'm sure the extra money will be nice, and it won't make me feel guilty for spending "Justin's" money on something like clothing or shoes, etc. But I'm in this incredibly apathetic mood lately where what I want to do is sit around in my pajamas eating cereal and watching TV. That would be great. I really don't feel like doing anything else. See, at least if I wasn't in the education department I could elect to not go to my classes. But NO, they want future teachers to actually GO to class. Bah humbug. Like class is that enriching. Oh well. At least I get Monday off for MLK day. Three day weekend. See, that's what I miss about being in high school. You get all of those days off for someone's birthday, or someone's "finding" of "India." They'll give you nearly any excuse to NOT come to school. Anyhow, I've seriously been considering being a professional slacker. I could contract out to companies that are far too productive, and I could use all of my sick days in the first two weeks that I'm hired. That way companies could have an excuse to divert funds to trying to help a "problem employee" when what they're really doing is putting extra money into foreign bank accounts and accruing tons of interest. Doesn't that sound like a great job? The problem is, I don't really know how to advertise my specialization. I don't think that the IRS would appreciate my contributions to many businesses, so I don't know that I could really explain my job on say, monster or hotjobs. Maybe I could have some sort of office in a back alley with a dumpster, where people would come to my secret hideout.

Here's a totally random and out-of-the-blue thought. By the way, why do they say "out-of-the-blue"? What's wrong with green, or red, or yellow? What's so special about blue? anyways... How do superheroes maintain jobs and get paid? Think about Superman. He's NEVER at work. He's always off fighting some evildoer or preventing some train from crashing into a mountain. Sure, he's a reporter, but he doesn't REALLY report anything. I'm sure Lois was always covering for him, because with his busy life there's no way that he could've maintained a job. He would have been fired right away. My thinking is that superheroes shouldn't have to have secret identities. What's the purpose of that anyhow? It's not like they have to hide their identities. They're out in public all the time, and people are always trying to kill them. They could simply just be unlisted in the phonebook. I don't really think being an anonymous superhero really pays off. Then superman could at least give his boss a legitimate reason for not being at work. You know, if you or I said that we were trying to make time go backwards by spinning the globe in a different direction, we would be incarcerated in a mental institution. BUT if superman said it, he might get a raise.

OK, I should probably stop and be productive, which is far too important. Maybe I could convert to some religion that is opposed to work. Do you know of any? Love, me

*****

Sara,

I'm sorry you had a fight with your dad. The problem is, he never had to deal with any of this crap because he went to law school. There may not be a shortage of lawyers in this world, but it's still a straight tunnel path to a job, regardless. All I can tell you is to keep looking and prove them wrong. I know that you'll find a job that you like soon, and if you want to do commercial work, do it. It's not being a sell-out, it's paying the bills in a way that is not completely objectionable to you. And if your parents don't like it, well then you can just move out once you get a job. Screw saving the money; focus on saving your sanity. If you don't wanna move out, then, all I can tell you is...may the force be with you.

Love,

*****

Hey,

Hmm...selling yourself short? I don't know...that's a tricky question to answer. My parents think I'm selling myself short by becoming a teacher, so there's an example that I don't agree with. But I'm not sure. I suppose to be selling yourself short, you'd have to think that you weren't capable of really doing more, that this was the best thing that you could do, and I don't think that you're really doing that. I think that you're going for a job that you _know_ you'll be good at, that's secure, that you'll enjoy. It may be the manager of McDonald's, but who cares? It's going to get you where you want to go, and you actually wouldn't squirm at the thought of working for them. And it's not like you're stuck there for life. You can do other stuff. This is just to start you off. So, I guess my answer would be no.

*****

Hey Sara,

In my multicultural education class (which is more like, "how to be PC in the classroom") we learned about how Native American cultures view the fast-paced lifestyles of Americans to be the wrong way to live. Taking your time and having patience are values that matter to them, and rushing through things is more like an evil. I'm not sure that they're right, but I'd like to believe it. It would be so nice to sit around in my pajamas and eat bonbons because I was trying to out a different value system. Somehow I don't think many people would buy my act. But seriously, since when was capitalism a value system? When did making money and doing things quickly and being as productive as you possibly can be every second of the day become more important than proverbially stopping and smelling the roses. I mean, to those people who do stop and smell the roses, we laugh in their faces, unless they're really old or really young, in which case we say that they don't know enough, so they can do whatever they want. Hmm, I don't want to talk about this anymore. It's depressing me. Anyhow, in this class, my professor did have one really nice metaphor. She was talking to a professor who used to be the head of the University of Indonesia, and he said that in Indonesia, everything was a circle. There is always community and family to the right and the left of you, and everything comes back to you that you give out, for good or for bad. Time is not as important, because it is viewed as circular, not linear. He said this circular culture was nice, because you were always supported, but you never went anywhere. In America, the culture is linear. We are always thinking about the next great advance in science, or technology, and we're always thinking ahead. It's nice that we're advancing forward, but we have little connection to the past, and there is never anyone around to support us. I think this is true. Anyhow, he said that at some point, his culture and American culture would merge, the linear and the circular would merge. At that point, it would not be a circle, or a line, but rather a spiral, and we would all benefit from the sharing. I just thought that was really beautiful, and I'm glad my baby is going to be from two totally different cultures.

Love, me