A leading US scientist has claimed that he has "absolute proof" that God is dead and dates his demise at a quarter of a century ago. While most churches, including the Vatican, have blasted the findings as heretical, some Mormon sources are said to be delighted.
AP 27/5/2003
Bad news tonight for the world's Judeo-Christian religions, leading world scientists are claiming that proof has been found that God has died and put the date at around twenty five years ago. Reverend Bob Panty from the Worldwide church of Joseph Smith is talking live here in the studio.
Rev. Panty "It appears that the long predicted end of the world was actually an analogy for our ultimate saviour's death and subsequent failure to deliver us into heaven. A cruel twist of fate, being run over by a bus while in his vulnerable human form."
Interviewer : Can't he resurrect himself again? I mean surely the point of being God is his omnipotent nature?
Panty "Er... not really. Basically scripture indicates a hard and fast 'two strikes and your out' rule in terms of divine intervention. In spiritual terms this means that the people are left as pretty much... how can I put it... hunting fodder for the Devil. I'm sure everyone, like me, can see a lot of historical evidence that this has indeed been ongoing in the last few decades. Basically it boils down to universal damnation in hell for everyone after we die, our spirits effectively being snuffed out or 'damned' if you prefer, when the second coming failed."
Interviewer : And you guys are actually pleased about this?
Panty : "Well... we hate to say, we told you so but, hey! We told you so!" (WNN Network News)
Quote of the week (New York Daily Post) -
"I can't help thinking that the proposed spiritual torment will probably prove more popular with most Americans than actual physical destruction of the earth by nuclear weapons - which is pretty much what we were expecting in '73."
Minister Calvin Keen (reformed Mormon Americans).
The American institute for new technology announced yesterday that they have perfected a cure for ageing. Government sources refused to confirm or deny the claims -WAP 17/5/2010.
"On Channel Four News tonight, it's official, American immortality drug is genuine. Also tonight..."
Excerpt from British Channel 4 News 6/6/2010
TV Talk Show Presenter "What do you think, yes you there."
Audience member "Well... I think it's brilliant. We can all live for ever! It's absolutely fabulous!"
Presenter "Anyone else, yes?"
Audience member "I am absolutely stunned, it's quite incredible. Death has been conquered, I mean suddenly we're like going to be able to do everything, live for ever and never get old."
Dr Marvin Messelbaum : "If I can just interrupt... your audience are missing the point. The fact is that immortality may now be real, yes it's true, it is, but if you imagine anyone in this room is going to live for ever you are very much mistaken."
[General boos from audience] "You can wail all you want."[more boos].
Presenter : "But why? Why won't we?"
Dr Messelbaum : "If I can explain this point because it is very important you understand. Stars of the moment already look better than the rest of us, through plastic surgery, they are maybe 60 but they look like they are in their twenties. Why? Because their money gives them access to treatments which the rest of us cannot afford. This new drug will be wanted by everyone but only a very tiny few who are worth not millions, but billions of dollars will have access to it because only they will be able to afford it."
Presenter "Does anyone believe this?"
Audience member "No, that boy doesn't know what he's on about. Sure, aye, only a few folk have access now but at the end of the day the Government will make this available for everybody, maybe no immediately but soon, it's going to happen, it's just a matter of time."
Dr Messelbaum: "No, no, I'm afraid it isn't. Firstly the Government can't nationalise the research, it's privately owned by a very powerful corporation. Not that they would do such a thing anyway, it's not market economics. Secondly, it would be disastrous for our environment if everyone lived for ever. The world cannot handle the people we have currently, make no mistake the rich will live for ever, the rest of us will die much sooner."
Indian home secretary Abdul Jakarrah announced this afternoon that India intended to take a much tougher stance on immigration. In the last five years immigration from Western Europe, particularly England (due to that country's economic collapse), has increased substantially.
Mr Jakarrah claimed that English immigrants were putting too much strain on social security and causing considerable racial tensions among communities. Opposition factions claimed Mr Jakarrah was playing the race card but many ordinary people in India believe the move has been a long time coming. One shopkeeper Mohammed Akbar, interviewed on Karachi news channel KCTV said "White faces are everywhere... there are just too many English corner shops and chip shops springing up. It is hardly fair competition either since many English incomers pass their business between brothers to gain a Tax advantage."
Britain took a considerable step towards solving the budget deficit last night when Prime Minister Portillo announced the upcoming sale of the Royal family to China. Chinese authorities have been looking for a suitable Royal line since the country voted in a referendum two years ago to end it's republican status.
The price agreed is reputed to be no less than 3 Billion Euro Dollars (800M). The agreement only affects the Royal personages themselves since all their financial assets were nationalised a decade ago. It is understood that Chinese authorities intend for the Royals to continue to live in council houses as they have done in Britain since nationalisation. SKY TV (China) hope to persuade the King Mother, King Charles, Queen Camilla and Prince Edward to star in their own soap opera, provisionally entitled "Changed days Ma'am!". Prince Edward will join the rest of the family once filming concludes on Eastenders. The prince's character, Eddie Mitchell, is currently in hospital, dying of CJD, the human form of Mad Cow Disease.