nly Andy was allowed outside. Arabella chewed at the last of her nails, waiting. On-screen dogs and babies exchanged quips at John Travolta's expense. She didn't watch, just gnawed away. When Andy finally opened the door she ran to greet him. "Did you get the stuff?"

"Yes."

Arabella breathed for the first time in over an hour. She hugged her husband. "Perhaps we'll be okay now?"

"Perhaps." The, as casually as he could manage, he asked, "where's Usk?"

She shrugged. Who knew were Usk went when it wasn't with them? "The kids are in bed. Usk wants us to put up the decorations tonight. Before midnight, of course."

Usk could deal with the cards, presents and decorations but the food had to be real. It was one of the rules. "Help me get all this stuff in first. I grabbed as much as I could. A lot of chocolate. The last vegetables on the shelf."

"It'll just have to do. Let's get it in the kitchen."

"They must have thought I was crazy."

"Is this the turkey? It looks more like a pigeon."

"I was lucky to get it."

Andy put up the decorations while Arabella put away the food, or prepared it to be cooked tomorrow. It was nearly a quarter to midnight by the time they finished. Usk had given them a giant card with a teddy bear Santa on it. Inside it said: To Andy + Arabella. Happy Christmas/best wishes for the New Year. All my love, Usk. Andy shivered when he read it.

"Happy Christmas, Arabella."

"Happy Christmas, Andy."

Arabella woke up feeling cold. This was ominous. Usk usually kept it warm. She took a cautious look at the garden. A white blanket at least an inch thick covered the lawn. A snowman had even appeared overnight. Beyond the garden fence she could see that it was raining. Arabella sighed and her breath froze into a spidery pattern on the window. She could hear excited voices from downstairs.

The boys were up already.

Andy snored peacefully. She struggled with her conscience for a few seconds but decided she couldn't face Usk's first Christmas without him.

"Sorry, Andy." She shook him gently. Then harder when he failed to respond.

"Um, swat, Aero-bee."

"Time to get up."

They put their dressing gowns on and went downstairs. Usk had "improved" on their efforts with the decorations. There was hardly a square inch of the living room without piece of tacky foil stuck to it. A plastic tree had appeared. It was struggling to cope with the weight.

"He's been!" David's shrill voice cut through the early morning brain-fog.

"Look at all the presents, Mummy!" Leonard could screech just as loudly as his brother.

"Uh, happy Christmas boys. And Usk." It was always a little risky to explicitly refer to Usk but she had a feeling that it would be joining in today. The two parents stood, waiting. The boys sat cross-legged in front of the tree. A silence fell.

"Proceed," instructed Usk.

What did it want them to do? Probably to act as if it was a Christmas morning when the boys were young. "Uh, boys, I think you should have breakfast before opening your presents." Was this the kind of thing it was after?

"Explain."

"If they..." she stopped and corrected herself, speaking directly to the "children". David was twenty-one. Leonard twenty-four. "If you open your presents now, Christmas will all be all over. You'll wish you'd waited." She was becoming more confident. If Usk wanted a typical family Christmas, well, she'd survived a few.

Andy joined in. "Yes, have a little to eat first. No chocolate."

"Turkey dripping!"

"Yes, turkey dripping!"

Shit. "There isn't any, boys. Why don't you...?"

"Explain!" Usk was getting angry.

"It's congealed fat from the turkey. We..."

"Suspend statement! Explain absence of congealed fat."

"We couldn't cook the turkey last night. You don't let us..." stay up after midnight. Arabella stopped dead as she realised her mistake. One of the rules, in fact the Golden Rule, was that they never, ever referred to the mechanics of their imprisonment. She knew what was coming and tried to brace herself. The pain started in her fingertips, and then spread up her arms, little splashes of burning fat all over her skin. Then inside it. The eyes were always the worst. She wanted to scream but her jaw was locked tight. She couldn't move or feel anything except the pain. Andy had told her it only lasted for thirty seconds. This time, Usk allowed her to pass out.

When Arabella regained consciousness, she was lying on the floor. The others were looking at her. Getting "zapped" so early in the day was a very bad sign. She had been careless, letting the early successes get the better of her. Slowly getting to her feet, she tasted a little blood in her mouth. "Uh, sorry, boys." Her voice shook. She faked a smile, turning her lips up to show her teeth. Usk wouldn't know the difference. By now the boys, especially Leonard, were mostly Usk. Their own personalities were so muffled it was hard to tell how old they were supposed to be. She tended to pitch low, single figures, while Andy talked to them like teenagers. The compromise usually managed to keep Usk placated. "Guess what? Silly Mummy forgot to put dinner on last night!"

David slapped his forehead. "Silly Mummy!"

"How about a nice fruit salad with cream?" suggested Andy with sudden inspiration. The boys nodded enthusiastically. The two grown ups went into the kitchen. Andy chopped up fruit. Arabella put the oven on. She poured herself a little orange juice and added vodka. It was time to start drinking.

The presents were proving too much for Usk's limited imagination. Arabella discovered a necklace Andy had bought her six years ago rewrapped for the occasion. Andy got his Talking Heads CD again and an grubby old jumper he used for DIY. David got a DVD from Andy's collection. Leonard had a crime thriller from Arabella's. No one commented on the inconsistency of the presents with the boys' supposed ages. Andy and Arabella were frozen with fear after everything had been unwrapped, dreading the point when Usk would screech: Suspend activities! Explain absence of gifts for Usk. Fortunately, it seemed happy to be merely the generous giver, however poorly.

David's present was obviously the most expensive and the two were shouting at each other. "Father Christmas knows I've been better than you." The sight of her two grown sons fighting like children always brought Arabella's to tears.

Usk wanted to know more. "Explain concept of Father Christmas."

Andy and Arabella looked sharply at each other. Was this a trap? It had to be a set-up. Usk could be soÖ childish sometimes.

Andy began, "Father Christmas is a legend for children. He brings presents..."

Usk always snapped but sometimes he put a little extra venom and pout into his voice. "Legend-concept is well understood. Explain: Fictional hypothesis contradicts known reality."

"Well, I can't remember ever actually believing in Father Christmas..." began Andy.

"Except when we were very young." Arabella knew how Usk picked up on trivial untruths or exaggerations and dealt with them harshly.

"I can remember humouring my parents by pretending to believe but, well, we didn't have a chimney and I had to write thank you letters in January."

"Explain: Adults perpetuate fiction."

"You have to understand..." Andy gulped. Usk didn't have to do anything. "The idea was dreamed up in an age when children might well get an orange for Christmas and not much else. Now he's more of a corporate logo for the consumer society. The Americans have Santa Clause. They more or less invented the modern version. A jolly old fat man who buys the latest toys the kids see on TV."

"Conclusion: Usk is like old-style Father Christmas."

"Yes, Usk is just like Father Christmas."

Leonard screamed. Their fight over who Father Christmas loved the most had escalated. Leonard had punched David. David kicked Leonard in the balls and he fell clutching his groin but not without spotting a pair of scissors on the table. He hauled himself up and grabbed them, plunging the blades into his brother's eyes. "Mummy, he hit me'"

Since his death Arabella had become less and less shocked by the physical abuse handed out to her son but it still hurt her. What did Usk want from this confrontation? He often took the boys' side against their parents like a mischievous best friend.

Andy saved her from indecision. He decided to tell them off. "Boys! Stop that at once or there won't be any Christmas. I'll take the presents back... back to the North Pole." I don't believe I just said that.

They waited while Usk processed this threat. "But he stabbed my eyes out."

"Leonard, apologise to your brother. David, say sorry for hitting Leonard."

"Sorry."

"Sorry. He started it."

"And you can both apologise to your mother. Today is going to mean enough hard work for her without you two starting this kind of rubbish."

It was clever, but Usk was already onto the next item on its agenda. "Update: Progress of celebratory meal."

"Oh, I'd better get on with it." Arabella rushed into the kitchen and desperately checked the turkey.

"When's Granny coming?"

"Granny's..." Andy paused. His instinct for placating Usk usually seemed better than Arabella's. He sensed "Granny's dead" wasn't the required response. "I'm not sure, David." He took a chance. "Perhaps Usk knows?"

"Inquiry: Person known as "Granny" is important to ritual."

"She wasÖ isÖ yes. Christmas is considered a family time of year. We had arguments just after we were married about which set of parents to stay with. When my father died we agreed to have my mother. Cynthia took the other set."

"Granny has a weakened physical construction. Andy must assist." Leonard was looking through the window. Andy joined him. In the distance he could make out that an indistinct figure had replaced the snowman.

"I'll just help Granny with her suitcase. Leonard, David, remember to say thank you when she comes in."

Andy went out into the kitchen. Arabella had been crying. Andy put a comforting arm around her. There was no easy way to say it. "I'm just going out to help Mother with her bags."

"Your mother? I'm not sure I can get through this. Christ knows what he's got planned for the rest of the day."

"I think we're over the worst of it. At least we'll get to eat properly for a change." They kissed. Andy went to the back door.

Arabella wished she could believe they were over the worst of it but Usk could turn anything nasty, even Christmas. Her mind went back to one thrilling, exhausting but finally terrifying afternoon the two had spent acting out Better Sex for Lovers so Usk could investigate the concept of recreational sex. In a blink he had changed moods and started to indulge the most puerile playground fantasiesÖ Quickly, she blocked the memory out. Inevitably, tears came again, stronger and wetter.

Outside, Andy approached his resurrected mother. She would probably be almost all Usk, a coarse construct manufactured from stolen memories. "Uh, happy Christmas, Mum."

"Happy Christmas, Andrew. Look at all this snow! Horrible! My fingers ache already. Could you take my bag inside? How are the boys? How are you? How is Arabella?"

"Let me take it. They've opened their presents. They both say thanks you. I'm fine. She's fine, consideringÖ considering how busy she is today." They stood in the warm snow, staring at each other for five minutes. I haven't missed her at all. "Let's go inside." He shouldn't have been surprised. If Usk could conjure up a cold and frosty morning, why not a whole human body? The only oddity was that he hadn't done anything like this before. Usk seemed to be getting more powerful.

It wasn't a happy thought.

Granny went straight into the kitchen to pick on Arabella.

"Drinking already, dear?"

Arabella gaped at the spectacle before her. Victoria Noyce, aged early forties. She died at sixty-four. This was the mother in law Arabella had first met a week after her pregnancy was confirmed. Usk was getting his time zones mixed up. Things were definitely not getting better. Arabella finished her drink in one go and took a refill.

"I said, you're already at the booze, dear."

"I feel like I need it today." She took another gulp for emphasis.

Andy interrupted. "Drink, Mum? We've got scotch."

Leonard ran in to see them. "Granny! Granny." David stayed in the living room. Presumably he couldn't see well enough to leave it. Andy took the bag up to the spare room while the qualified science teacher told his dead grandmother what he had done at school last term.

"Dinner will be about another hour."

Usk disagreed. "Correction! Seasonal meal will commence imminently."

Arabella desperately looked around for support. "I mean I have to get it just right. It's the best meal of the year. I have to make it really special."

"The best dinner of the year!" Grannie agreed and for one of the very few times in her life Arabella was grateful to her.

"Stated time for meal has been exceeded. Time is required to complete consumption of meal before observation of phenomenon known as The Queen's Speech."

The Queen's Speech? They had never even thought about watching that claptrap. Andy spotted that Arabella was pushing her luck. "Maybe we can hurry those spuds a little."

"Reluctance displayed by Arabella may be based on apprehension concerning prospect of bacteria present in untreated foodstuffs. Immune systems may be surmounted without vigorous prior heat treatment."

"There have been a lot of scares recently. Antibiotics in cheap poultry have lead to stronger germs. This was quite a cheap turkey."

"Usk will ensure continued health of Andy, Arabella, Leonard and David." So, poor old Granny was out on her own. More importantly, Usk's tone told them that this was meant as a final warning before another zapping.

"I'll just serve up then, shall I."

"Proceed." Usk dismissed Arabella and addressed Andy. "Explain: Arabella is experiencing awkwardness with established seasonal routines. Ample repetitions have not ensured familiarity with procedures."

"This is a very stressful time of year for homemakers like Arabella." Actually, Arabella had been a teacher before Usk's arrival. "There's a lot of pressure to get everything just right for the family."

Usk paused. "Unsatisfactory. Closer adherence to established procedures is required."

In the kitchen, Arabella was losing control of more than the goose. "For God's sake, Andy, why are you provoking him?"

"I'm not. I'm trying to explain..."

"Explain to that... thing? Just do what it says, Andy, please. For once. For me."

"Okay. What can I do in here?"

"Put those stupid potatoes in the microwave and blast them until they go soft in the middle. In fact do that to all the veg. I'm not eating raw sprouts. The gas after dinner will be bad enough as it is between you and your mother."

"I don't think Usk is that good a puppeteer."

"The best dinner of the year! This looks delicious, Arabella. Thank you."

"Thanks." It looked, to be more accurate, thoroughly disgusting. Mushy vegetables, half-burned half-raw turkey cut into pieces, unroast potatoes and lumpy gravy. Of course, Arabella's gravy was always lumpy. Red and white wine was poured for the grown ups.

Andy and Arabella pulled a cracker. Andy put the paper crown on his head. The treasure within was a plastic put-the-balls-in-the-holes puzzle. Andy read the joke. "Why did the turkey cross the road?"

"I don't know."

"Because it was Christmas and the accustomed poultry had been replaced with a traditional seasonal icon." Usk had no sense of humour whatsoever. They had spent many hours explaining the very concept. Usk watched as the whole family repeated the cracker routine. Then they ate. Arabella nearly retched when she bit into the half-raw meat but forced herself to swallow. She drank four glasses of wine during the meal. For desert there was a choice between chocolate cake, trifle and cheesecake. The boys had all three. Granny decided to save hers for later. Arabella ate some cheesecake, which was at least edible. Andy had trifle with cream. It was sickening.

While Andy did the washing up - Usk had decided that this was a family tradition - Arabella got zapped for the second time over a tube of Pringles. "I'm full up, Usk, I couldn't eat another bite." She was still feeling ill from Christmas dinner and too much alcohol. She was struggling not to throw up.

"Explain: Arabella has previously stated that desire to consume specified foodstuff continuously."

"I just meant that... That theyëre moreish. I didn't mean..." The drink had made her careless and when she felt the pain coming she cursed herself. To get zapped twice in one day was bad enough but over something as trivial as this? Ridiculous. She braced herself but it was always more horrible than she remembered. This time it lasted for some time and Usk kept her conscious throughout. When it was over, she fell onto her hands and knees and spewed the entire contents of her stomach onto the floor. She wiped the spit, blood and vomit from her face with the back of her hand, staggered over to the table and nibbled at what was left. "Yum, yum. I could eat these all day. How many did you get, darling?" Andy had finished the dishes.

"Uh, two.. They were on special offer. Buy one get one half price."

"Thanks a million. Yum, yum."

The Queen's speech passed without incident. Poor Lizzy had had a bad year but Arabella thought she should shut her big trap and count her blessings.

The afternoon dragged on. Granny fell asleep and snored. Andy likewise. The children threw their books at each other in front of the tree. Arabella munched and drank. The vomit dried and the room stank of it. At five o'clock Usk turned the radio on. Christmas oldies were playing in a monotonous loop. Slade insisted that everybody was having fun. Additionally, there wouldn't be snow in Africa this Christmas. Then some imbecile wished it could be Christmas every day.

Andy snapped awake. Arabella nearly dropped her glass. They both looked at each other with sudden terror. Andy went for logic. "It's meant sentimentally, Usk. No one would really..."

Arabella appealed to his childishness. "How about a game?"

Usk wasn't easily distracted but this worked. "Commence recreation!"

Arabella breathed a sigh of relief and went to fetch the Scrabble board. It was a strange and very poor game. Leonard managed to produce three X's and placed the word Zyxxxls on a triple word score. No one argued. Later they played charades with the names of TV shows and films. Andy was awarded a giant Toblerone. Leonard got a Mars Bar. The boys started fighting again. Andy fell asleep. Arabella was too drunk to get back to her chair and slumped in the middle of the room. Christmas was ebbing away in a drunken haze.

Had it always been like this?

It was eight o'clock before Andy noticed that his mother had disappeared. Usk was growing tired of the game. It was nearly over. What was left? Religion? No, Usk didn't seem any more interested in the day's status as the Saviour's official birthday than anyone else in the family.

Arabella had gone into the kitchen to make coffee. At least Andy had bought some nice stuff at the supermarket. Her hangover demanded caffeine.

Andy joined her. "I'm sorry."

"So am I."

"What for?"

"No, you go first. You started it. The sorry, I mean. I think I started this Christmas experiment. I wished we could go back... Oh, God, I just can't seem to stop crying."

"I'm sorry about the cheesecakes and for provoking Usk. Especially for provoking Usk. I'm sorry you always get zapped instead of me. I wish I could take your place."

"I forgive you."

"He could have got the Christmas idea from either of us. Or even from the television. You're all I've got now."

"I know." Arabella finished washing the glasses. She was more tired than drunk now. Andy stood next to her taking the glasses, drying and placing them carefully on the draining board.

"We made it."

"Yes, until next year."

"Unless it rips out our hearts for Valentine's Day."

It wasn't at all funny but Arabella laughed anyway. "Or nails us to a great big cross at Easter."

"We're lucky we're not in America we'd have the rabbits laying chocolate eggs."

"If it hadn't killed the rabbits." Arabella fell against the sink, clutching her sides as tears rolled down her face. "I'm sorry it isn't funny."

"No it isn't." They sat together and laughed until they heard activity in the living room. Both boys singing We Wish You a Merry Christmas. Their version consisted of four lines, three of them identical, repeated endlessly. "When was the last time we laughed? Genuinely, I mean."

Arabella couldn't remember. She just shrugged, sighed and stood up. "Ready?"

"Ready."