he Catchie theme music came to an end and the host took her position on stage, next to a rather homely woman looking angry and distressed already seated in the center. "Good afternoon and welcome to the Gerrie Spaniel show. Please welcome Mrs. Marsha Ella to the show." The crowd cheered politely, and Mrs. Ella fidgeted nervously in her chair, looking angry and distressed.

"Mrs. Ella, could you please tell us why you asked to be on the show?" Gerrie asked.

"Well, Gerrie, the problem is my step daughter. I was left with her ten years ago after her father died suddenly. I had two daughters of my own to raise - I did the best I could. She wanted everything - clothes, food, a warm bed. What do I look like, the *beep* Damn salvation army??" The crowed booed, and Mrs. Ella flipped them the bird. "Anyway, I told the little h*beep* that she would get what she needed and no more - and only if she worked for it!" She sat back matter of factly in her chair, and the crowed continued to boo her, so she grabbed her left breast and mumbled something to the effect of "Suck this."

"I think we need to hear your step daughter's point of view on this one." Gerrie said. "Please welcome Mrs. Ella's step-daughter to the show, Cindy Ella-Charming." The audience cheered again as a curvy bombshell of a woman came out from back stage. She was wearing a black tube top that barely held her in, and a matching black mini-skirt, with a long train attached to the back. She had waist length bleached hair, decorated only by a silver tiara that sat on her head. With her was a tiny white mouse. She spun around and did a little dance as the men "Wooed" in the audience, then sat down in her seat, doing the "raise the roof" movement that made her boobs bounce and the men shout more. She flirted with a guy in the audience. Mrs. Ella looked angry and distressed.

"That's PRINCESS Cindy, Gerrie, and this is my pal, Pookie" She said, holding up the mouse.

"*Beep*ing *beep*lut," Her Stepmother said to her.

"Welcome Princess Cindy, and uh, Pookie, " Gerrie greeted.

"Hi!" She said cheerily, tossing a stray strand of her platinum hair over her shoulder.

"So, is what your step-mother says true?"

"So way not hardly!" she exclaimed. "My daddy died ten years ago, and this heifer turned me into a slave! She made me cook, clean, sew and I had to sleep in the *beep*ing chimney. It was *beep*ing child abuse!"

"LIAR!" Mrs. Ella yelled.

"Talk to the hand *beep* Bitch!" Cindy stuck her palm up to her stepmother's face, and the stepmother slapped it out of the way. Cindy got up and stood in front of her. "You want a piece of this?" The crowed went wild.

A few security guards came out and escorted Cindy back to her seat. Her stepmother shouted a few obscenities, and Cindy responded by grabbing herself. The audience cheered. Mrs. Ella looked angry and distressed. Cindy played with Pookie. Gerrie shook her head.

"She's nothing but trailer trash, she always was. Her daddy knew no better, but you think by now she'd pick up some *beep*king class from me and my *beep* damn daughters!"

"Please welcome Mrs. Ella's daughters , Candie and Sandie, to the show." Now two rather hard looking woman walked out. Sandie was wearing a purple shoulder length wig and all black make up. She was wearing acid wash jeans yellowed with age, and an old white sweat shirt that said "EAT THIS" in faded blue letters. The sleeves, collar and bottom were all cut. It revealed a pierced, yet slightly infected belly button, and a orange bra strap that was slightly frayed. Her eyebrows and nose were also pierced. She stuck her tongue out revealing a stud there too. Candie was wearing a neon green spandex dress and her hair was a bit longer than shoulder length, over processed and the front was teased up to the crispiest bangs this side of 1989. Her eyelids sported smeared, uneven blue eye shadow. The bright red hip boots, however, were the highlight of the whole outfit - they squeaked when she walked. The audience stared in silence, not really sure what to think about these two. Mrs. Ella looked angry and distressed. Cindy played with Pookie. Candie pulled at her bra strap. Sandie stared at the floor. They took their seats. Gerrie shook her head.

"Candie, why don't you go first?" Gerrie asked.

Candie flipped her tongue ring around him her mouth a bit then answered. "Ah kay. Well, see, this all started last mumf when da prince like was havin' a dance or somfin - I don' really remember cause I was sooooo wasted!" She laughed and her sister gave her a high five. "Well, anyways, um, da prince was lookin' for a wife or somfin' an' my mom wanted 'im to marry like me or my sistah - I didn't really care, though."

"Yah, me neither." Sandie said flatly, and chomped on some gum. She stared at the floor.

Gerrie stared at her strangely, then remembered that the prince was backstage.

"Please welcome our next guest, Prince Charming to the show!" The crowed cheered as a dashing young man stepped from behind the curtain, in his best garb and a crown. In his left hand he carried a glass slipper. Cindy ran over and began kissing him right there on stage, wrapping her leg around his behind, making it quite clear (to those in the first few rows anyway), that she wasn't wearing any underwear. They both returned to their seats. The crowed cheered. Mrs. Ella looked angry and distressed. Candie pulled at her bra strap. Sandie stated at the floor. Gerrie shook her head.

"Now, Your Highness, could you please tell us why you chose Cindy over her step-sisters?" Gerrie asked, loudly over the crowed.

"She had the perrrrtiest feet..." He said, and giggled a little bit, caressing the glass slipper against his cheek.

"I see..."

"THE SHOES! SHE STOLE THOSE SHOES FROM ME!!" Mrs. Ella yelled, standing. The crowed gasped.

"I DID NOT, MY FAIRY GODMOTHER GAVE THEM TO ME YOU *BEEP*ING *BEEP*!!!" Cindy yelled back.

"YO, BITCH, DON'T YOU CALL MY MAMA NO *BEEP*ING *BEEP* YOU *BEEP*-SUCKING *BEEP*ING *BEEP* BEEP* *BEEP*" Candie yelled then rushed Cindy. They began fighting, Cindy tearing what was left of Candie's shirt, and Candie pulling down Cindy's tube top. Cindy came back by pulling off Candie's wig, revealing a shaved head with a the Metallica logo tattooed on the side. The security guards stepped in. The audience cheered. Mrs. Ella looked angry and distressed. The Prince talked to his glass slipper.

"We'll be right back after this." Gerrie shouted over the commotion.

Tuesday on Spaniel! "Internet romances gone terribly terribly wrong!" An overweight woman in a blue moo-moo sat on stage sobbing with a tissue in her hand. "And then, on the day we were going to be married I came to the front of the trailer to find my OWN DAUGHTER cybering with my husband to be!" she cried.

The catchie theme music returned and the announcer read: "Did a family member steal one of your personal home pornography tapes to prove the existence of aliens? If so, you can be a guest on Spaniel! Just call 1-800-Spaniel."

The show returned, everyone back in their seats. Cindy had fixed her tube top, but Candie was sitting on the panel now in just her jeans and the orange bra, which had a mysterious stain on the left boob. Her wig was back on, although a bit crooked. Sandie stared at the floor, but was now also holding Candie's hand, while the other pulled at her bra strap. Mrs. Ella, while looking angry and distressed, was mumbling explicit words to Cindy, who was too busy playing with pookie to care. Prince Charming was whispering quietly to his glass slipper, giggling like a pervert at a magazine stand.

"We have one more guest to bring out," Gerrie informed the audience, slightly distracted by the mysterious stain on Candie's left boob. "Please welcome Cindy's Fairy Godmother to the show!"

If the crowed was quiet when the Ella sisters arrived, you could hear a pin drop now. A large, hairy, balding man in a pink leotard and a yellow tutu stepped out. In his right hand he held a silver wand, and in his left was a stub of a cigar.

"YOU'RE Cindy's Fairy Godmother?" Gerrie asked.

He blinked and said in a high pitched voice with a slight lisp and a flick of the wrist, "Honey, they don't come Farie-er than me!" The audience cheered. Mrs. Ella looked angry and distressed. Cindy played with Pookie. Candie pulled at her bra strap and Sandi stared at the floor. The Prince talked to his glass slipper. Gerrie shook her head.

"Why did you do it?" Mrs. Ella asked him. "Why did you help this h*beep*r and not one of my beautiful daughters?"

"Becausth. They're no good for him! I know it can never be but I... I love him."

"BITCH! He's MINE!" Cindy got up and slapped him. A security guard rushed over and escorted her back to her seat.

The Prince looked up shocked. "Yre' feet ain' perrrty enough." He looked down at Sandie, who was sitting next to him. "Wow, those are perrrty shoes.... can I try one on?" He reached for them. Sadie pulled away.

"What's wrong with you Sandie? Let the Prince try on your shoe!"

"No." Sandie said flatly, staring at the floor. The Prince went back to talking to his glass slipper.

Gerrie decided maybe she should take some questions from the audience. A young black woman stood up.

"Hi, My name's Brandy, I play Cindy in the made for TV movie about this whole thing, and I got something to say to Mrs. Ella! Hey, Bitch, you were all wrong to make Cindy wear all those ugly clothes! I mean, didya all see what I had to WEAR? I almost quit!" She then snapped her fingers and sat back down. The audience cheered, although Gerrie didn't quite catch what she meant.

Next, a white woman stood up and yelled into the microphone, "Hey, Sandie, how come you wouldn't let the Prince touch your boot?"

"Because I love Candie." Sandie said flatly, staring at the floor.

"Of course you do, she's your *beep*ing sister!" Mrs. Ella yelled.

"No, I'm IN love with her." Sandie said flatly, staring at the floor.

"And I'm in love with her too!" Candie said. "I want to BE with her for the rest of my life!" They both stood and began kissing. The audience cheered. Mrs. Ella looked angry and distressed. Cindy played with Pookie. The Prince talked to his glass slipper. The Fairy Godmother filed his nails. Gerrie shook her head.

"Well, fortunately that's all the time we have for today. On final thought I'd just like to say -- sometimes our lives take tragic turns and we need to take care of those we don't really love. . . no . . . sometimes love is decided on footwear? No, that's no good . . . Love is what it is, it knows no sex, no DNA? No, that's disgusting. Maybe, sometimes it's better NOT to think about something. Yes... that'll work."