ecently I received an email from the renowned “Spooky” that purportedly detailed the reasons that a golf ball is not a penguin. Upon reading it, however, I realized that the author had in fact proven the converse statement. That is to say, she had proven that a penguin was not a golf ball.

Given the enormity of the subject, it is perhaps understandable that such a mistake could be made. It should also be apparent, however, that even an understandable mistake should be corrected. Therefore, I have decided to rectify the oversight by presenting my own theories as to why a golf ball is not a penguin.

Firstly, penguins are birds, of the class Aves. The avians are characterized, with a few exceptions, by hollow bones arranged in a reptile-like skeleton; feathers; beaks instead of toothed jaws; and a generally delightful taste. They are found in every terrestrial habitat, and range in size from the tiny bee hummingbird of South America to Africa’s ostrich, a flightless bird sometimes topping seven feet in height. Penguins themselves range from just over a foot tall to the giant emperor penguins, standing nearly four feet, and are found from the icy wastes of Antarctica to the subtropical Juan Fernandez Islands off of Chile.

Golf balls, on the other hand, lack even the rudiments of a spinal cord, thus placing them outside not only class Aves but also entirely outside phylum Chordata. They have no bones, no feathers, no beaks, and an entirely unbirdlike flavor, no matter how you cook them. Golf balls migrate between clearly defined territories, known as “golf courses” and “garages/closets/attics”. While golf ball sightings have been recorded in places as remote as Scotland, New Guinea, and Earth’s moon, it is generally accepted that these are isolated populations with very little contact between them.

Secondly, penguins are found, for the most part, in the Antarctic. They migrate between the shore, where they spend the summer feeding, and the interior, where eggs are laid and hatched during the winter. They spend the short polar summer feeding on krill and small fish in the cold ocean waters, then return as far as a hundred miles inland to mate. The long, dark winter months are spent caring for the eggs, which the parents rest on their feet to keep them off of the ice.

Although golf ball migration was mentioned in a previous paragraph, it would be more correct to describe their travel as parasitic. They rarely if ever travel on their own power, dependent upon other species for locomotion. Golf balls have never been observed to feed on any form of shellfish, much less Antarctic krill, and are poor swimmers at any rate. Their reproduction is also a mystery, though it is suspected that they only mate in specific locations far from the prying eyes of man. It is interesting to note that after the eggs are laid, golf balls apparently abandon them completely. The eggs, usually found in threes or fours within a box-like egg-case, mature rapidly. An immature golf ball has never been reported by reliable sources.

The feathers of penguins are waterproof and grow in several thick layers to provide warmth in the icy water and horrific winds of Antarctica. Golf balls have no feathers whatsoever, and their hides, though hard and protective, would provide very little in the way of warmth. Agile and powerful swimmers, penguins are capable of evading orcas, leopard seals, and other predators. The only evasive maneuver a golf ball is able to perform is to sink, which can be very effective but ultimately defeats the purpose. (As with other air-breathing aquatic animals, penguins must maintain a dive-to-surface ratio of 1:1 in order to survive.)

Predators depend on penguins as a vital link in the Antarctic food chain. As mid-level predators themselves, penguins are essential in transferring the food energy stored in krill to the dominant predators above them. Without the penguins, upper-echelon carnivores would starve. When fed a diet of penguins, leopard seals thrive, but when fed on golf balls, they quickly wilt and die. If they eat enough golf balls, they sink to the bottom before they wilt and die.

For humans, as well, a penguin can be a tasty treat. Fried, broiled, or chewed raw from the bone in a makeshift lean-to under the cloudy Antarctic sky, penguin is a nutritious and potentially delicious meal high in protein and energy-rich fatty acids. A golf ball, in contrast, is a poor excuse for a meal; the hard work of breaking through the shell is rewarded only by an indigestible rubbery center, fit only for repadding a snowshoe.

Lastly, penguins cannot fly. While their method of underwater propulsion looks remarkably like flight, they are completely incapable of independent flight. As mentioned in Spooky’s piece, hitting a penguin with a golf club will only give you a highly ticked-off penguin. In the history of the Ryder Cup, no winning team has used penguins as its projectile of choice, for this very reason. An astounding 100% of winning Ryder Cup teams have used golf balls, however, because golf balls are made to be hit with golf clubs. The two might be said to have a symbiotic relationship, in which penguins have no place. Despite the golf balls’ lack of true flight, they are demonstrably superior in airborne maneuvers to the penguin.