he portal swung open with a soft hiss, and as the space-mist cleared, Jane blinked at her blind date and with an expression of arrant dismay shot the space behind it with a hopeful glance. There was nothing but a short-distance pod and a smudgy green trail. When she looked back, it was waiting patiently.

And it was disgusting.

From the tip of its quivering, green head down to the ends of its quivering, green tentacles, it was disgusting. Jane shuddered, gagged at the sulfuric odor now reaching her fragile nose, and bit her lip in an effort to endure such an obscene presence.

Compatible species my ass, she muttered through an abruptly assumed gritted smile. She shifted her weight onto one leg as her eyes prickled with the appalling fug.

Oblivious to her discomfort, it coughed politely, and started nervously wringing its hands, taking her stir in stance as a cue to introduce itself.

"Uh hi there. My uh, my name's Vodar, and uh you must be…uh," he stuttered, glancing down at his Starmate card, "Blanche. That's, uh, a nice name.. So uh, what galaxy are you, uh, from?"

"I'm in transit at the moment. Moving."

There was an embarrassed silence, and Vodar's bulging, silvery wet eyes roamed the small, cluttered habitation suite.

"Oh of course," Jane said hastily, remembering herself. "Sit down."

Vodor slid uneasily over onto her sofa, and ogled the bar with salacious intensity. "I'm, uh, not too early, am I?"

It coughed quietly, running its tongue sloppily along its second-to-top lip. Jane grimaced, and shook her head.

"You're uh, you're very, uh, pretty', it said, fixing its gaze on her. " You're, uh, from Earth, aren't you? I can, uh, see it in your, uh, in your stomach."

"What?" cried Jane, ferociously smoothing down her shirt. "My stomach!"

"Oh excuse me," it fumbled, "I'm not really that, uh, good at alien, uh, biology, I think I meant eyes. Sorry. I uh, I didn't mean to offend you."

"Okay," Jane said dubiously. "Would you like a drink?" It nodded, fidgeting, and Jane was immensely relieved to move away from it. She took a large swig before pouring two glasses of Moonshine, desperately not wanting to turn around and see it - Vodar - there.

Five minutes and as many drinks later, Vodar had considerably loosened up, and Jane was running out of excuses to keep running out onto the viewing deck.

Vodar, sprawled out on the sofa, clumsily clasped a glass in one hand and a cushion in the other. It cleared its throat and continued rambling. "…Viruses and, uh, algae and, uh, spiders and such are all very sensible, almost uh, almost robotic in their lives, but they are, if you'll excuse my language, uh, undeniably stupid. Homo sapiens, however, are the most emotional and, uh, I mean you no, uh, disrespect, illogical entities on their, uh, planet - and they are the most successful, the, uh, intellectually superior. Does it then not become, uh, obvious that the more advanced races in the universe will, uh, also be the most, uh, high-strung?"

Jane quickly pressed the 'R-Eject' button and sighed as Vodar went flying through the blackness of space, his beady silver eyes floating out of his fast inflating head.

She groped for her Starmate information leaflet and skimmed down to the 'Terms and Conditions'. Ooh, he'd explode soon. She didn't want to miss this bit.