Only a Controversy in the Major Leagues or Could It Be Happening Right Here in Our (Paul's) Backyard?
There have been many accusations against Major League Baseball’s biggest
sluggers including Barry Bonds and Jason Giambi as homeruns continue to be
hit at alarming rates. That got me to thinking. Could what has been
going on in America’s pastime also be going on in America’s fastest
growing pool game? I decided to do some investigative work but a rerun of
Baywatch was on and I obviously could not pass up a chance to see David
Hasselhoff in a bathing suit so I decided to just let it go. Then
something happened that reminded me of this growing issue. No it wasn’t
that Montgomery guy saying that the Balco representative said that he had
been supplying Bonds for years. Rather it was something that hit a little
closer to home. Something that nearly made me ask for a kick in the junk
to prove I wasn’t dreaming (yes a simple pinch or slap would have worked
but I am trying to make this sound bigger that it actually was).
warm summer day and we were all hanging out at the Holt’s pool ripping on Osburn as usual. It started off harmlessly with Dobbin saying what he is trying to coin as a catch phrase “Ewww Osburn” Eventually it got to Pool Wiffle Ball and I, being the jackass I am, brought up the fact that he always bunted and it was mad grimey. And then they told me. They looked straight into my eyes and told me. Osburn had 8 homeruns the other game. 8 HOMERUNS. OSBURN. SAME SENTENCE!!!!! I am not sure you realize the magnitude of this news. It was pretty much equivalent to someone coming up to you and saying they slept with your mother…..twice.
I was shocked. After the shock wore off three months later I began trying
to rationalize what had happened. Osburn had hit 8 homeruns, that’s not
that big of a deal. Or was it? Well let’s look at the stats because they
never lie. Hmm well 8 homeruns is only 1 less than he had his first two
seasons combined. Well maybe he just struggled as a youngster. Or maybe
not, he proceeded to hit just 11 homeruns in his third season in over 200
at bats. So how he could hit 8 in one game in under 20 ABs just seemed
astounding. With 37 homeruns in over 300 ABs last year, Osburn had begun
to show some power. But still his game high could not have been more than
4 or 5. So how does that double in one year? Well I started by saying it
must have just been he put weight on at college, worked out some, bulked
up a little bit, natural for a kid at his age. But let’s be honest here
folks, we are talking about Andy Osburn not Jacob “muscles” Kriegler.
Nobody could do that in one year without a little help from Barry Bonds’
workout plan. I came to the conclusion Andy Osburn was on steroids. But
was he the only one, or had Pool Wiffle Ball become a sport in which
performance enhancing drugs were needed in order to keep an everyday
starting job. I decided to research a few other players. Paul’s stats
were relatively steady across the board. Jacob’s stats were also steady
with a slight decline in homeruns so it was obvious he wasn’t on the
roids. Then a couple players caught my eye. One being a young asian
relief pitcher named Sean Dobbin. He was brought into the league to close
out games and if he got the occasional hit it was a bonus. He is widely
considered the games best closer still but something has changed. He has
become one of the games premier power hitters. That’s right, a semi
scrawny guy out of the bullpen is jacking homeruns almost at a 50% rate.
That seems pretty absurd to me so I came to the conclusion that Dobbin and
Osburn (though they pretend to rip on each other) really have a special
bond, a steroid bond that could never be broken. However it appeared as
if the trail of performance enhancing drugs did not stop there. There was
a young redheaded fireballer (I won’t mention names) highly touted for his
pitching but clearly not known for his hitting. He had a pretty bad
rookie year and proceeded to go 0-10 in his debut in his second season.
Now he is hitting 12 homeruns in all star games and really knocking the
cover off the ball. Are you trying to tell me that he did this all on his
own? Yeah and Grizzley Adams had a beard. I am not trying to imply these
players are on steroids, I am merely presenting the facts. You can each
come to your own conclusion as I did and that conclusion will be that they
are on steroids. And that brings me to my real point, whatever happened
to America’s hero Brian Peachey?