Beloved Notations
ESSAYS
A scream
not uttered in reality
merely settling as a plague of
one's subconcious
A bright burst of electricity
ravages her sight
Beating the atmosphere,
Trying to push away the perpetual
anger blinking and thrashing
The light gets more excrutiating
Pulling and tugging at a primal
beat hidden deep within the
small pits of hell building in her
Any paralyzing nightmare,
heaven compared to this moment
in her life
We all start in the gutter
Some may rise, many will merely
fall
Left behind the few who are never
given the chance to see clearly
And the light of recognition
mummifies the soul of one
who lies too long
Unexpecting
-- MKM '99
Here is his cycle. He pours on the charm originally, and I fall head over heels. Then gradually he changes and becomes selfish and unloving, detaching me from his life, until I can't stand the stress. I know I have to stop seeing him; he hurts me so much. I can't leave, hanging onto what I feel dearest to me in the world,until he secretly finds a new girl he likes better. Then he won't just say so, but starts with the "I love you more than I ever loved anyone in my life" and turns on the old charm, but only once a week or so, in bursts, disappearing on numerous "trips". Then I fall for that old charm again and because he seems to be back to "his old self" that I adore, miss him and want him. Then he begins to act distant and distracted when he is with me, and starts putting blame on me and getting sick. "If only you ..." "I have been dizzy and nauseous." And the no money. "I am worried about finances. How will I eat. My business is not doing well." (But when he first loved me he had even less money and bought me a gold necklace and dinner every night). Then I confront him and force him to admit he is screwing someone on the side. "She's not on the side." She's now the main one. I'm on the side. Why keep seeing me on the side?" "I don't know what it is about you. I love you more than anyone I ever loved in my life. If only you hadn't.... I wouldn't have..." But no longer acts like he loves me.
Why on earth except to be in control. Like, he won't let me break up with him ever. He has to go on saying "I love you, BUT..." (you dumped me, your parents won't accept me, I need stability, even though you are the best." "I still want to see you. There's no one like you...")
Apparently I am only the "best" in between new conquests. Then when he's living with her it's "I don't want to be a cad. I am going to try to make this work." (with her).
It's a real shock every time to figure out the little different touches in his behaviour and attitude are the same as before and are signs he is avidly screwing someone else, but still wants me until he has her under his spell.
Good luck, new girl! He told me yesterday, "After two to four weeks I start missing you so much I have to come back." This is the first time he mentioned it in advance before he even started living with the girl! And in my experience it was more like four months they each tolerated him.
So I can sit back and wait two weeks to four months, or I can throw myself into a real life. I hope she holds on to him! I don't want to have to marry someone else just to keep myself from being hooked in again.
He stood outside my car window blithely leaving after our chat, where he told me "more than I ever tell anyone - it's hard for me to be so honest" (his lies are more genuine sounding only because she probably coached him this time in believability. Or did he learn it from a movie?). I saw his beautiful body in jeans, and my heart turned over and tears came to my eyes, that man, that man I loved, who had said he was "mine" was casually walking away to someone new after saying I was the love of his life, "but.." (always something I did to ruin it).
He doesn't want me to hate him or call him bad names, he said. (Like loser, liar, dishonest, selfish, etc.) That's why the kid gloves breaking up, he said. That's why the extra charm and sweetness lately, he said. So I wouldn't "be mad at him."
No, for sure this time I was so blown away by surprise I wasn't mad at him, but I cried (not in front of him), because I still wanted and loved him. So I sent him the lyrics to "Torn." That's not a "cruel" email. He won't understand it anyway, I guess. Words are not his strong suit. Charm is. He can't stand any unpleasantness.
You know how gay men are so beautiful and it's such a waste to women? He's like that. The body of a gay man but not gay. The perfect darling, but like a male slut he gives himself to anyone who crosses his path and catches his eye because unfaithfulness, fickleness and the thrill of the chase are his "thing."
Oh, fickle is one of those mean words he doesn't like to be called. It's all my fault, remember, as a year ago I wanted us to be apart to think about it for a few weeks, and he considers that dumping him. Five minutes after, he was with someone new and when I was ready to see him again not two weeks later he said "Sorry. I couldn't stand being alone."
Gosh, in the old days people went away to war for years and stayed with their wives or girlfriends. They didn't all find new partners. Sometimes they stayed loyal.
The man who wants to be with me now and give me half his fortune is an alcoholic with bleeding cold sores who picks his nose and wipes it on my couch. He's impotent and has liver damage from years of drinking but he's sweet and caring and asked me to be his last week. He's kind but I dont' love him.
This man I cried over yesterday has no redeeming features except for his beautiful body and boyish charm and this magnetic attraction we have, but my heart wants him. I KNOW This is an illusion because I have always loved him, and always before I got hurt. I know that I should just let go; stop in my tracks. Sure.. tell my damned heart that.
I only wish the man that owns my heart could take on the good character of the bleeding cold sore man who wants to love me.
The beloved heartsnatcher was so in his drama queen element those last moments in my car. "All I want is to marry you and live with you. But I can't so...." (he has to pick up girls and try them one by one). Not one of those girls is going to cry in amazement when they look at his beauty. They can have their pick. He's it for me! I don't want anyone else.
"It's better to be alone than with a loser." That's the thing. I am always drawn to losers unwittingly, then I fall in love with them, then I want to be rid of them but can't quite shake them off.
Yes it hurts that his love was never real. If it was he'd be like the cold sore man and never see anyone else and wait patiently for me to come around. A decent woman would accept this man's proposal wouldn't she? She wouldn't be swayed by looks or anything else...not when half a million dollars and a kind heart are there for the taking.
But I'd rather be alone. I can't do it.
