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Today Pres and I decided our house isn't going to sell anytime soon and one of us has to move out. In S.C. a "no-fault" divorce requires one year of separation. Since we're living in different parts of the same house, the last 3 months have not counted towards our 1 yr. I had hoped I'd be able to be the first one to move out, but he's found a cheaper place to live than I have. Since we'll have the upkeep and utilities on the house as well, he's the one who will be moving out first. I'm still undecided as to where I want to permanently live, so it'll probably work out this way. I have been seriously thinking about moving back home to Pa. The majority of my family still lives there and the smallest of my nieces and nephews are still there. It breaks my heart to think how little I've seen them grow up, I've missed so many special moments that will never return. I don't want to miss any more of them in the future.   Why is it the people who have the most to give to others, always seem to be the ones who get the least in return. I know many of us were raised with the notion that the more you do for other people, the more you receive. I guess in this day and age that is an outdated notion. Too many people are out there today with their hands outstretched, wanting something from us. Those same people are far away when we are the ones in need. I guess that's just the way life seems to go anymore. "The squeaky wheel always gets the grease". I remember as a small child my Mother asking me why I was crying. I responded with...."no one loves me". I've never been sure why I felt that no one loved me. I had wonderful, giving parents who's lives revolved around their kids. I had loving siblings who I always knew were there for me, yet I still felt unloved. As time passed and I got be at the age to date, I continued to look for that special love. At one point in my life I found someone who I could connect with, someone who knew what I was thinking and feeling without my uttering a word. We had the same hopes and dreams, the same basic needs, and we were so close. I guess this was the first time in my life that I ever had a real girlfriend. I could never describe the level of love I had for her. Best friend....sister....are the only words that come close. Like everything in life, nothing lasts for ever and unfortunately Cindy's life ended all too soon. Again I was in search of love. I dated many men, thinking the more I dated, the better my chance of finding the love I'd been craving. At one point in my life I thought I'd found that love. Who knows, maybe I actually did find it....for a short time. But if I'm honest with myself I have to know that the love I had, was destined to fall short of what I needed. At the time I met my husband, I was desperately unhappy, and alone. Anyone who had been nice to me and acted as though they loved me would have been the "perfect man" at that time in my life I think. But how can you find deep, compassionate love when you are only friends with each other? I guess what I'm trying to say is to me, there is a big difference between being a "friend" and being a "best friend". Best friend to me, means someone whom you not only can open up completely to, but more importantly, someone who listens and understands what you are saying.....most times when no words have even been spoken. I have no mean or hateful feelings towards my husband, but I also have no deep and meaningful love for him either. He is, and always will be, a good friend to me. But I need far more than just a friend. I need someone who will be my best friend, my soulmate, my other part. I suppose most people would think I was crazy to leave a marriage such as mine. Maybe there is a part of me that is crazy. All I know is that there is a huge part of me that has felt so alone and so misunderstood for so long. I've dedicated my entire life to doing what I thought was expected of me. Always holding my happiness at bay if I felt it would help someone else. Now it's my time to attempt to find the life I've only dreamed of. A life where there is the understanding, the total support, and the unconditional love I've craved. The scene shows Tom Hanks and his son standing beside the grave and he explains to the boy why Mommy had to die. I find myself explaining to myself (yes, I know this sounds weird) why my marriage went down the tubes. Then the next part of the movie I can relate to is when Tom Hanks is at work, and he tells his co-worker that he and his son need "a change.....a new life". I too, need a new life. To have a new life means for me, a new location of the country. I can't live in South Carolina and not pretend this is where my life (as I know it) ended. What I need is a place where everyplace I go I'm not reminded of the last 12 years. Just last week I ended up at the same restaurant as my next door neightbor. We were seated within a few feet of each other in each restaurant. I need a place that holds no memories for me what-so-ever. A place where everytime I see a building, or pass by the river, memories don't come flooding back to me. Just the other night I was trying to get up the courage to go out (alone) for Mexican. Of all the places in town, only one place has decent food. Unfortunately Pres and I have eaten there for so many years I didn't feel comfortable going there. As it turned out Pres said he'd enjoy some Mexican too, so we went together. What I need to do is to completely change the patterns in my life. Find a place that holds no memories, and a place where I can feel "at home". My main fear is twofold though. One, being my Mother. Since my mom doesn't drive, she needs me as much as I need her. I've talked to her about the possiblity of my moving north. Her responce has been, "never will I move back north". She's talked about moving south to Florida, and being near my oldest brother and his family. While I know she would truly be happy in Florida, I also know that I will miss her terribly. She and I are more friends than we are mother and daughter, and have been for years. The second of my worries involves me. Since my mom has said she won't move north, (and Florida is out of the question for me), I'll be completetly on my own. In many ways this is exactly what I need. But, in other ways I'm not sure I can do it....physically. I need help with so many things, that living completely alone is almost out of the question. I need help getting clothes, getting groceries, getting up and down, you name it. And that's when I'm doing well with my FMS, that isn't taking into account the bad days when it's impossible for me to get out of bed. Then there is Jack. For the last several years Pres has begun to do more and more in the care of our dog Jack. Taking him outside, feeding him, etc. Now that I'm walking with 2 forearm crutches, (when I'm not in my wheelchair) it's going to be interesting trying to take him out to pee, etc. So, all this leads me back to the same conclusion.....I need to be someplace where I can receive help with the "extra's" I've always had to count on other's for. The hardest thing for me, over the last 20 years of being sick and getting progressivly worse, has been the need for me to rely upon other people for just the basics in life. I guess I'll never really get used to having to ask for help. Which again, leads me back to making the decision of where I'll relocate to. Since I detest Florida, (no offence to the folks living in Fl.) and since I can't live here without bad memories, or worse yet, running into Pres everywhere I go, my other option is to go north. The thing is though, I don't like the area my brother in Pa. lives in either. It's nice and all, but it's just not me. When mom and I visted there this last month I kept asking myself, would I be happy living here? Other than being able to see my neices and nephews more often, my answer was no. So, I'm not sure where to move to at this point. One thing I do know is that I want to move back north, and be somewhere either in Pa., or very nearby. With 2 neices, 1 great neice, and 2 nephews in that area, I have to be near them. Last Saturday Preston began moving out most of his stuff. It seemed kind of strange to be alone after 12 years of living with someone. I've never lived totally alone before. Before I was married I lived at home with my parents, or shared apartments with roommates. This week has been the first time I've ever lived all by myself. I wasn't really sure what to expect, or how I would feel about total seclusion, but I find I enjoy it very much. The word that keeps popping into my head is "free". Free to decorate anyway I want to. Free to either watch TV or not. Free to sit up till all hours of the night watching an old movie. Free to jump in the car and go where I want to, without asking if it's ok, or telling someone where I'm going. Now that I've gotten used to being my own person, I need to concentrate on what else I want out of my new life. The first decision that needs to be made is where will I be living. I've pretty much made the decision to move out of SC. I'm just not sure where I'll be moving to right now. But, there's no mad rush to decide. I have a year of separation to get through before I can think about relocating. As for my SSD, I think I'm still in shock. I was so sure I wasn't going to win, that it came as a total shock when I got the judges ruling, "completely favorable". At this point I have no idea what my monthly allowance will be, or how much, or how far back my "back pay" will be. I'm just elated to know that it's finally over! Fourteen months of shear torture is over. For me, it's never been an issue of how much money I'd receive, as much as whether or not I'd be vindicated as a person, and as a FM sufferer. I keep thinking if there were more people out there that had any idea what a dibilitating illness FMS can be, they'd be more inclined to help us get disability. Like any other illness, there are varying degrees of severity. I know from talking to many people online, most of them have mild to semi-mild cases. I've spoken to very few people with severe cases like mine, and for that I'm gratefull. It breaks my heart to see anyone suffer in pain, but to know I'm one of few this bad makes me feel better for the rest of them out there. I'm almost afraid to look at a calendar anymore. Each time I look, days, weeks and months have flown by. It seemed incredible to me today to think it was already Thanksgiving. I remember Thanksgivings as a child. Waking up to a cold, blustery day outside. More times than not, it was snowing, or snow was already on the ground. I don't think I'll ever get used to winter holidays living in the south. Today was gorgeous. Sunny, not a cloud in the sky, with temp's in the high 70's and a gentle breeze blowing. I had planned to wake up early, but slept through my alarm. I knew I would, since it was well after 2 am when I was able to get comfortable enough to finally fall asleep. When I awoke and looked at the clock, it was already 8 am. The time I'd told my Mother to expect me at her house. I called an assured her I was awake, and on my way to the shower. The drive over to her house was so pleasant this morning. The trees were in brilliant color, reds, bright oranges, and creamy yellows. Also, there was no traffic. After all, what idiot is on the road Thanksgiving morning at 8:45 am? (lol) Last night I had found a cameo pin that I'd received as a free gift. Since my Mom loves cameos, I decided to take it with me to give to her this morning. I'd meant to buy her a card, but I wasn't well enough yesterday to make the trip to town. I think she enjoyed the pin far more anyways, and it made me happy to be able to make her smile. v We had originally decided to go to The Cracker Barrel for our Thanksgiving dinner, (since it was just she and I today) but once I got to her house she said she had a better idea. It was a beautiful day for a drive, we ended up going to a town about an hour from her house, and eating our Thanksgiving dinner at The Golden Corral. I suppose to most people this sounds like a pretty pittiful place to eat a holiday meal, but we both really enjoyed it. Personally I dislike turkey, and the other restaurant was going to be serving only turkey, stuffing (which is loaded with onions that make me sick), sweet potatoes (which I detest), and pumpkin pie (which I also don't like). This way I had my favorite mashed potatoes & gravy, fried chicken, corn-on-the-cob, and brownies for dessert. We took our time driving home, just enjoying the gorgeous day. When we got to her house we set about putting up her 7' Christmas tree. It took us a total of 4 hours to put up her fake tree and decorate it. In the past I've been the one that did the majority of the work. As the years have gone by however, she's the one doing most of the work. Afrer an hour of trying to hold up ornaments and ribbon, I had to stop. The pain in my arms was unbearable and I was begining to get chest pains. From that point on I became the "supervisor". Telling her where the bare spots were, etc. We spent the rest of the afternoon watching the movie "The Rainmaker". What an excellent movie. A must see if you ask me. When the movie was over I made the half hour trip home. As I drove home I sat and contemplated my day, my life, my friends, my family...the things we all take for granted until it's usually too late. I guess it started out thanking God for all the good things in my life, and for having people around that love me. It turned out to be more of a pick me upper I guess. Lately I've been kinda depressed. I guess most of it is due to the drastic changes my life has been going through. Separation, the impending sale of my house (hopefully), the battle with the Soc. Sec. Admin. for my disablity, etc. Although I've known for years that I wanted out of my marriage, it's still been hard to live through. When it comes to my future, I get a little scared. Wondering how I'll do alone, if I'll have enough money to pay the bills and have some sort of life. Reflecting on the last 12 years of my mariage I see so many things that should have been different, things that could have been better, and things I should have done. I guess we could all say that. My Mom always used to tell me that hindsight is 20/20, and that it's a wise man that learns from his own mistakes, and an even wiser man that learns from the mistakes of others. I think I've learned a valuable lesson. The lesson being that if you are desperate for love, you'll never truely be loved. Preston did what he thought to be right in our marriage. I don't really fault him. Sure there are many things he could have done, but that's water over the bridge now. What is important is what I've learned from all of this. And I've learned that love is all around us, we just have to accept what we get and be glad with it as it is. I'm fortunate to have many people who love me. Family members and friends have been here for me when I've needed them the most. And today I'm thankful for their friendships, their kindness to me, and for their unending love and support. Thanks guys, I love you! | ||||||||
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