CATEGORY: MSR, H 

RATING: PG 

SPOILERS: Quagmire (small)

DISCLAIMER: The X-Files and its characters are the property of Fox Television and 1013 Productions are used without permission.

SUMMARY: Mulder and Scully break up after a lovers' quarrel. Scully's new boyfriend tries to bring out the animal in her; Mulder finds a free spirit. Why can't we all just get along?

He knew now why the FBI had a rule against fraternizing with one's partner. He and Scully had had the fight of the century on Friday night, and after each of them had hurled insults at the other, and declared that they never wanted to see each other again, a grim reality had presented itself: Monday morning. No, they were no longer lovers, but they were still partners, and they had to work together. They had been careful to keep their affair a secret from everyone and now the challenge lay in maintaining a working relationship that appeared to be the same as it had always been: two partners, depending on each other for their lives, with a deep, serious respect and affection for each other.

Hah, thought Mulder.

He loathed Scully, loathed her with every fiber of his being. How could he have been so stupid as to be taken in by her act? "I love you, Mulder," she had whispered to him many nights as they lay in bed together, touching him; her soft hair brushing against his bare chest as she lay in his arms; those sapphire blue eyes gazing at him as they made love; her soft, full lips against his mouth; and her body.... Mulder shifted uncomfortably in his chair. It was just a physiological response, he told himself, one that could be elicited from any anonymous woman in his porn collection; it had nothing to do with Dana Scully. His partner. God. It had been a week since the fight, and they had somehow achieved an uneasy peace in the office, a kind of detente, but still.... Whenever he allowed himself to think about her, and the fight, which he couldn't really remember that much any more, except that he knew that it was her fault, and that if Scully weren't such a ballbuster... and here she came now....

He grabbed a file folder from the top of his desk and opened it quickly.

"Good morning, Agent Scully," he said, pretending to examine the contents of the manila folder, glancing up briefly at his partner. It wasn't an X-file; the folder contained clippings Mulder had been keeping on romantic getaway places; he had thought he might take Scully to one of them, but now, of course, he wouldn't. Yeah, breaking up with Scully was really going to be a lot easier on his budget.

"Agent Mulder." She nodded slightly in his direction, not looking at him.

Mulder. She watched him out of the corner of her eye, saw him sitting at his desk, reading away as if he didn't have a care in the world. She hated him. She hated him with the white-hot heat of a thousand suns. She still couldn't believe that she, Dana Scully, had allowed herself to be seduced by her partner, he of the tall, elegant body; those hazel eyes that seemed to know exactly what she wanted him to do to her; his mouth, with its full lower lip than had kissed her...well, lots of places; his arms, that had held him over her body as he thrust into her.... God, what was wrong with the heat in this building, anyway? Scully felt really warm; really ... really warm. Her blood was probably still boiling from their fight of a week ago, which had been Mulder's fault, she was sure of it. She would never forgive him, never, not even if he apologized a thousand times, which he wouldn't, of course, because he was so fucking stubborn.... And one of these days she was going to ask him to remind her what the fight had been about, just so that she could let him have it again. Scully stomped over to her computer station and punched in her password.

The morning dragged on and soon it was lunchtime. Normally Mulder and Scully would have had lunch together but not anymore. Just the sight of her would make me too sick to eat a bite, thought Mulder. He watched her lean over her computer, then licked his lips and swallowed hard as he caught a brief glimpse of Scully's creamy white cleavage before she straightened up.

"I'll be back around 1:00," she said in Mulder's general direction before she marched out of the office. She would spend her lunch hour running errands, although she'd pretty much taken care of everything she had to do over the past week--no shopping or dry cleaning to pick up--but anything was preferable to having to sit in the FBI commissary, a table or two away from Mulder, watching him slide that tongue of his around whatever he was eating.... She shook herself, like a dog that's been petted too much.

************

Five o'clock at last, thought Mulder, stretching and leaning back in his chair.

"Thank God it's Friday, huh, Scully?" he said, yawning.

She turned off her computer and straightened a pile of folders. "Did you say something, Agent Mulder?" she replied coolly.

Damn it. He was mad at her; he'd forgotten that for a minute. It was hard to remember not to talk to her; she was--*had* been--the only person he spoke to with any regularity and he guessed it would take a while for him to get out of the habit. Well, fuck it. He could not care less that they weren't sleeping together any more. She was nothing to him now, nothing but his partner, and to hell with the silent treatment; he would speak to her as he would to anyone who was his partner. "Got any plans for the weekend?"

She looked at him icily. "As a matter of fact, I do," she said, putting on her jacket.

"Oh, really? What's up?"

Not that you care one iota, fucking Fox Mulder, thought Scully. But, hey, if Mulder wanted to pretend that he wasn't upset over what had happened between them, so could she. She could carry on a conversation with her partner just like anyone else; if he thought that she was still upset that they were no longer lovers, she would make sure to let him know how wrong he was.

"Actually, Mulder, I'm going to volunteer at an animal shelter this weekend. I've been thinking about getting another dog, and I thought this might be a good way to check out the possibilities," she said, buttoning up her jacket.

"Oh." He looked at her. "I suppose it has been a while since you lost...er...uh...."

"Queegqueg," she finished for him. Stupid Mulder couldn't even remember her dog's name. What an asshole.

"Sorry, I just went blank for a minute there--"

"It's fine, Mulder. I remember how broken up you were about Queegqueg," she said sarcastically.

"I did feel bad about your dog, Scully," he protested. "I'm not some heartless jerk, you know--"

"Yeah, okay, whatever. See you on Monday, Mulder," she said, hurrying out of the office. She did not want to get into any kind of a conversation with Mulder about anything that mattered to her, not ever again.

Mulder stared after her retreating back and sighed.

***********************

The weekend had gone by pretty slowly, and Mulder was actually glad to be back at work. He felt pleased with himself, though; he had taken the first step to getting Scully out of his system. He had gone to a lecture at American University and a very attractive young woman had struck up a conversation with him, and then had asked him out for coffee afterward. He had gone and it had been all right. He supposed it would take time to get used to anyone who wasn't Scully, but this girl seemed pleasant, not that he'd been able to listen to a word she was saying. And she was a girl. She was only thirty, younger than Scully. He could hardly wait for Scully to get back to the office after performing the autopsy she had scheduled for this morning so that he could work his "date" into the conversation. That would show her. Actually, it hadn't really been a "date," but Scully didn't have to know that.

It was getting close to noon and Mulder wondered where the hell Scully was. He had planned how he was going to casually mention his "date" to Scully, and he didn't want it to sound too rehearsed, so he hoped to God that she would get back to the office soon while it was still fresh in his mind. The phone rang.

"Mulder."

"Agent Mulder? This is Holly at the switchboard. Is Agent Scully there?"

"Uh...no, she's not. Can I take a message for her?"

"Well, I've got a gentleman here who says that he has an appointment with her this noon, and his name's not on the visitor list. He says--what's that, sir?"

Mulder could hear Holly giggle in the background, then say something unintelligible into the phone. Mulder sighed. "Holly... you still there?"

"Yes, Agent Mulder." She sounded breathless. "The gentleman says he's a vet and that he has an appointment with Agent Scully."

Mulder stood up and went over to her computer, hitting the key that brought up Scully's daily schedule. "No," he said slowly, "all I see is an autopsy for this morning." He thought a moment. "But, hey, Holly, if the guy's a veteran then maybe it was something Skinner asked her to take care of, being as he's an ex- Marine and all. Why don't you send him on down? I'm sure Scully will be back soon."

"Okay, Agent Mulder. I'll tell him." Mulder hung up the phone and smirked. Poor Scully. She was going to be spending her lunch hour listening to one of Skinner's Vietnam hard luck cases, some guy who thought he was invisible or had been the subject of sleep experiments, or God knew what; and Scully was going to have to check out his story from the scientific angle. Mulder thanked God briefly that he wasn't a scientist.

"Hey, there. Am I in the right place?"

Mulder swiveled his chair around to face the door. "I don't know," he replied. "Where are you supposed to be?"

A young blond man flashed Mulder a big smile. He was tall and had a slight tan. Maybe that's why his smile looked so white, thought Mulder; either that or someone had gotten a couple of teeth-bleaching kits for Christmas. He was good-looking, in a Brad Pitt sort of way, if you liked that kind of thing, and Mulder supposed some people did. "I'm looking for Dr. Dana Scully's office. The girl upstairs told me to come on down, and here I am." He thrust his hands into the pockets of his suit and rocked back and forth on his heels. An expensive suit, Mulder thought.

"You're the guy with the appointment?" Mulder said.

"Yeah. Where is she, anyway?" The young man walked over to Mulder's desk and picked up a pencil, tossing it into the air and catching it.

This was the veteran, thought Mulder? This guy was too young to be a veteran--Christ, he couldn't have been in the Gulf War, much less Viet Nam; this guy couldn't be more than...well, somewhere in his twenties. Mulder frowned. "So what war were you in, anyway?"

"War?" He took one hand and ran it through a shock of thick blond hair. "What do you mean?"

"Well, aren't you the vet that Dr. Scully has an appointment with this noon?" Mulder asked.

The man gave Mulder a puzzled look and then started to laugh. He reached into a pocket and took out a pack of gum, taking a stick. He offered the pack to Mulder, who shook his head in refusal. "No, no, I'm not a veteran. I'm a vet. A veterinarian. Not a veteran," he smiled at Mulder. "Yeah," he said, looking around the office. "I'm a vet. I met Dana over the weekend." He opened the top drawer of one of the file cabinets, then shut it again.

"Oh, yeah, right," Mulder said, narrowing his eyes at the veterinarian, who obviously needed a shot of Ritalin or an animal tranquilizer to calm him down; he was bouncing all over the office. "Scully said she was going to be doing some volunteer work at the animal shelter thing."

"Yeah. I try to do a little freebie work every now and then," Scully's appointment said, walking around the room, glancing at the posters on the walls. "It's good to see and be seen, know what I mean?" he said, snapping his gum while he straightened his tie, then checked his teeth in Scully's computer monitor.

What was up with this guy? thought Mulder. "Well, I know that Scully is very interested in the welfare of animals," he commented.

"Oh, yeah," the other man nodded. "She seemed real dedicated. Plus she has got a *great* pair of tits." He smiled and cracked his gum at Mulder.

Whoa, there, thought Mulder. This guy just said that Scully had a great pair of tits? Jesus. The blond looked at Mulder and said, "Oh, sorry, buddy. I suppose you're all 'politically correct' and everything around here." He made quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

"Yeah, well, I'm her *partner*, buddy," said Mulder, "and I don't appreciate hearing your comment about her--"

"Hey, here she is!" He walked quickly over to the door where Scully was just coming into the office. "Hey, sweetheart! What took you so long anyway?" He moved to put his arms around her.

"Pat--" Scully seemed taken aback. "What are you doing here? I thought we were going to meet upstairs."

"I got tired of hanging around up there. I think I was making everyone nervous or something. They made me go through that metal detector twice. Of course, the third time I went through was just for fun." He grinned at Scully. "Ready to go?"

"Uh...yeah, just let me get my purse," she said, shooting a glance at Mulder. "Did you get to meet my partner?" she asked.

"Yeah, kinda. Sure." He stuck out his hand to Mulder. "Hey, there, I'm Pat Marcus. DVM. That's 'Doctor of Veterinary Medicine.'"

Mulder shook his hand. "Fox Mulder. Ph.D. That's 'Doctor of Philosophy.'"

"Fox?" Pat looked at Scully. "Hey, Dana, that's cool. Your partner's name is 'Fox.' Like the animal. He has an animal name." He grinned at Mulder. "Hey, buddy. You've got an animal name."

Mulder tried to catch Scully's eye but she was avoiding him, big time. "Yeah, Pat, well, let's get going," Scully said with a forced cheerfulness.

"Catch you later," he called out to Mulder as Scully dragged him down the hall.

Mulder could barely wait until he heard the whir of the elevator before he started to laugh. Oh, Scully, he thought. What are you thinking?

***********************

Scully thought about offering her services for nothing to any area law enforcement unit--anything to avoid having to return to the office and facing Mulder. Oh, God. She was so embarrassed. She didn't know why she had agreed to see Pat Marcus. "Pat Marcus, DVM." Well, she guessed she knew why; she was lonely, without Mulder. And not just as a lover, although her heart constricted every time she thought about what they no longer had together. She missed him as a friend, too. Her best friend. Now she had no one to talk to or tell little stories to, share things about the day. Pat had been friendly and had seemed very interested in her, and at the time those two qualities had been all that mattered to her, but after today she could see that it had been a big mistake. Classic rebound, and she had planned to tell him at lunch that she wasn't interested; unfortunately, she couldn't get a word in edgewise with him.

She walked into the office and hung up her coat. Mulder wasn't even bothering to hide his smirk.

"Hey, Scully. How was lunch?"

She blinked at him. "Oh, it was nice. Thanks for asking." She clicked on her computer screen.

"So you had a good time, huh, Mrs. Robinson?" Mulder was smiling and leaning back in his chair, enjoying her discomfiture. How she would like to go over to him and slap him, right across his smug face, thought Scully. "I was just trying to figure out your attraction for each other, Scully. I mean, now he has someone to buy beer for him and take him to NC-17 movies, but what's his appeal for you? How old *is* that guy, anyway?"

Okay, now she was going to go over and slap him. Damn it, anyway. She took a deep breath. "Oh, you mean Pat," she said, deliberately misunderstanding him. "He's just a nice guy, Mulder, that's all there is to it. And he's not that young. He *is* out of veterinary school, after all." Okay, so only for a year, but Mulder didn't have to know that. She shrugged her shoulders and turned back to the computer screen.

"Well, the next time you have him pick you up at the office, Scully, let me know so that I can bring a tranquilizer gun; Christ, the guy was all over the place. If you ask me he could use a couple of super-sized Ritalin meds. Of course, he'll probably grow out of that when he gets older," Mulder snickered.

Scully pursed her lips and turned toward her partner, then looked at him thoughtfully. "Yes, Pat does have a lot of...stamina," she said in a low voice, absently stroking the skin right above the v-neck of her blouse with her left hand.

The smile left Mulder's face. He pulled his chair up to the desk and rifled through a couple of folders. "So do you have your receipts organized for the expense report?" he asked sullenly.

"I certainly do," she smiled at her partner.

***************

A few days had passed and although Pat the Veterinarian hadn't made another appearance at the Bureau, Mulder was sure Scully was talking to him on the phone every day. She certainly was smiling and laughing a lot on the phone, talking in a low, sexy voice, and he didn't think she could be discussing autopsies. And on Bureau time, too. Well, two could play at that game, Mulder thought. He hadn't planned on seeing Janice again, the woman he'd had coffee with after the lecture, but he was not going to give Scully the satisfaction of parading her date in his face. He could get a date, too.

"Scully, could I ask a favor of you?"

"What is it?" she asked suspiciously.

"I have to run up to Skinner's office for a minute, and I was wondering if you could keep an eye out for Janice."

"Janice?"

"Oh, she's the woman I've been seeing. Didn't I tell you?"

Scully turned slowly in her chair to face him. "No, Mulder, you didn't," she said coldly.

"Yeah, I met her a while ago. I think you'll really like her--she's a great girl." Actually, Mulder could barely remember her last name, much less what she was like, but she couldn't be any worse than Scully's new boyfriend. Friend. Whatever he was. "So will you?"

"Yes, I guess so," said Scully ungraciously. "But hurry it up. I've got better things to do with my time than entertain your friends."

He smiled at her and tapped her shoulder gently with a file folder. "Be right back," he said cheerfully as he headed out of the office.

Scully felt like crying. Mulder was mean, really mean. She hadn't meant for Pat to come down to the office--boy, she *really* had not meant for Pat to come down to the office but here was Mulder, deliberately shoving it in her face that he was seeing another woman. And she just knew what she would be like, what Mulder's type was; this woman would be tall, with long legs, dark brunette hair, great big--

"Hi, there! You must be Dana! I'm so pleased to meet you!"

Scully looked up to find a strange woman bearing down on her, hand outstretched. Scully felt sick. This woman was really tall, all right, and very slender, with long legs, and an enormous quantity of long, dark hair that flipped up at the ends. Scully thought that she looked like a test tube with something bubbling out of the top. She supposed the woman was pretty, in a showy, out-there sort of way. She sighed and stood up.

"Hi, there," she said, managing a small, insincere smile. "You must be Janice."

"It's Ja-NEECE," the woman said, smiling at Scully. "The accent's on the second syllable!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought Mulder said your name was 'Janice.'"

"Oh, he probably did. 'Cause I just changed it today. I thought it was"--Janice/Janeece curled her hands into fists and looked at the ceiling, "like a real POWER name, you know? Like I'm into visualizing success--I took this class, you know, I take a lot of classes--and the instructor kept telling us that you have to 'imaginize' yourself into your future."

"Uh-huh," said Scully, nodding, her lips pressed tightly together.

"I don't know if Fox mentioned it to you or not, but I'd really like to get into broadcast journalism. You know, someday have my own show, like Oprah. Not those loud, noisy shows, but something, well--you know, more like me! 'Cause I'm really a people person." She smiled brightly at Scully. "You know?"

"Oh, yeah, I can tell," said Scully. She ran her fingers across her jaw. "So you've been seeing Mulder for a while?"

"Not that long," Janeece said. She leaned closer to Scully and said in a low voice, "You know what attracted me to him?"

"Tell me."

"Well, God, he's tall," Janeece rolled her eyes and smiled. "I mean, he's really, really tall. And I'm tall, as you can tell," she pointed to herself with both index fingers and laughed loudly, "so I said to myself, you know, God, who cares what he's got going on mentally, or personality-wise, if anything? I mean, he seems nice and I can actually wear heels, you know? And he's got really long fingers, and you know what they say about guys with long fingers...." She arched her eyebrows at Scully and winked.

Scully pursed her lips. "Well, my partner has a lot going for him besides the size of his...uh...fingers, as a matter of fact. He's a very nice man--"

"Oh, yeah," Janeece nodded enthusiastically. "He seemed nice--kinda quiet, though, but that's okay 'cause I can talk enough for two, you know?"

"Yeah, I know," Scully nodded, smiling at Janeece who nodded back.

"Hey, there, you two getting acquainted?" Mulder said as he walked into the office.

"Omigod, Fox! Hi-ee!" Janeece pronounced "hi" as if it had two syllables. "I'm really looking forward to tonight, you know?" She went over to Mulder and threw her arms around him. She made an exaggerated pout with her lips and cooed, "Oh, you look like you need a hug! Hugs, not drugs!" She smiled up at Mulder. "I read that somewhere, you know?" The smile left her face. "I shouldn't joke, though, because I am really down on drugs. Drugs are ruining America's youth, you know?"

Mulder smiled gamely and slipped his hand around Janice's waist. "Ready to go, Janice?" he said, glancing at Scully nervously.

Scully gave Mulder a slow, evil smile. "It's Ja-Neece, Mulder. She changed it today."

"Oh?" Mulder looked at Janice.

"Yeah, it's part of my new 'Imaginize Your Way to Your Future' plan. And Ja-Neece just sounds so"--she brought her lips together and closed her eyes--"much more imaginizful than Janice, don't you think?" She opened her eyes and blinked at Mulder.

"*I* certainly do," said Scully, smiling.

"Okay, I guess we better get going," Mulder muttered.

"Yeah, guess we'd better," Janeece said brightly. "Bye, Dana! Nice meeting you!"

"Have a good time, you two," Scully called after them. Janeece turned and thrust her hands out in front of her, giving Scully a two thumbs-up sign.

Scully couldn't wait until she heard the elevator whir. She started to laugh. Oh, Mulder, what are you thinking?

********************

Mulder was sitting at his desk the next morning when Scully came in. She flashed a big smile at him as she hung up her coat. God, she hadn't smiled at him like that since they were--

"Hey, Mulder," said Scully.

He pointed at her with his index finger. "Don't start with me, Scully."

"What?" she said innocently, smoothing her skirt over her thighs as she sat down. "I was just going to ask you how your date went with ... Janeece."

"It went fine," he said shortly.

"Good. I imaginized that it did." Scully snickered.

"Okay, Scully, cut it out. Ja-- she's a very nice woman, and I like her. So just keep your comments to yourself." Mulder stood up and stomped off to the other side of the office.

"Like you kept your comments about Pat to yourself?"

"Pat? Oh, right, the refugee from the Sigma Chi house that you're seeing."

"There's nothing wrong with Pat," Scully said defensively. "You just can't see the good in anybody, Mulder. You just don't know him."

"And you don't know Ja-- whatever she's calling herself. She is a very bright woman, Scully, and I can't believe you're being so petty. You'd like her if you knew her."

"You think? Or is it 'you know'?"

"I've just about had it with you, Scully."

"I feel the same way about you, Mulder."

They glared at each other.

So much for the detente.

*********************

It was going to be a long day, thought Scully. She took off her suit jacket and put her glasses on, took a deep breath, and stared at her computer screen. Mulder hadn't spoken to her at all yesterday, and when she had gotten to work this morning she discovered that he had left a message on her voice mail saying that he was having some photographs examined at the Bureau lab and would be out of the office until after lunch. He wouldn't call her at home any more, not even about work things.

She had been working for about an hour when she heard the sound of footsteps coming down the hall. She quickly reached for the phone and began speaking into it in what she hoped was a low, intimate voice. This was so pathetic, she thought. All week long she had pretended to be talking to Pat on the phone whenever Mulder was around. What a joke. Mulder was the expert on phone sex, and he was probably laughing at her efforts to sound sexy and provocative. She looked up to see Assistant Director Skinner walk in the door and hung up the phone.

"Good morning, sir," Scully said.

"Good morning, Agent Scully," Skinner replied. "Is Agent Mulder around?"

"No, sir. He left a message indicating that he was going to be at the lab until after lunch. Is there something I can help you with?"

"No, I just needed to talk to him about giving a lecture at Quantico. Would you tell him to stop by my office sometime today?"

She nodded. "Certainly, sir. I'll be sure to give him the message." She gave Skinner a wan smile and turned back to her computer.

"Agent Scully?"

Scully looked up quickly. "Yes, sir?"

Skinner frowned. "Everything okay? You seem ... kind of tired or something."

"It's just been a long week, sir. I'm fine."

"Well, maybe you should try to get some rest this weekend, Agent."

"Yes, sir. That's a good idea."

She waited until Skinner left, then put her head in her hands. Get some rest? Scully straightened up. She had promised to go out with Pat tonight, and she just didn't think she could take it. His constant talking got on her nerves--Christ, he was worse than Mulder. And then there was his fixation with her breasts. She couldn't be sure, but she thought he had referred to them once as "the girls." She didn't want to give Mulder the satisfaction, but she had to break up with Pat. Enough was enough.

She heard footsteps in the hall again. Mulder must be back early, she thought, and reached for the phone. Oh, screw it, she thought, and hung up again just as Mulder came into the office with Janeece.

"Hey, girlfriend! How's it going?" Janeece beamed at Scully.

"Hi, Janeece," Scully said flatly.

"Just thought I'd pop down to see my guy here," she looked at Mulder affectionately, rubbing his arm, "and then I ran into him upstairs. He looked so depressed I thought, 'Gee, I hope Fox and Dana don't have some really bad case and Fox won't be able to go on our date tonight,'" Janeece said, turning the corners of her mouth down, "but then he said that everything was fine--yay!--so then I thought that I'd take him to lunch to cheer him up. Right, hon?" She smiled up at him.

"Uh ... yeah ... I just need to finish up a few things first," said Mulder. "Scully, would you take a look at these photos for me?" He set three black-and-white pictures down on her workstation.

"What am I looking for?" she asked, sliding the pictures under a halogen lamp next to her computer.

"Here," he said, putting his left hand on the back of her chair and leaning over her, grazing her shoulder with his right arm as he tapped the pictures with his index finger. "Here,"he said. "These ... halo-type effects. What do you think?"

Scully swallowed hard. What did she think? All she could think was that if she moved a couple of inches to her right she was sure she would be able to feel the faint stubble on his cheek. She could smell the warm, spicy scent of his after-shave, feel the heat of his body as he stood next to her....

"What are you looking at?" Janeece had come up behind Mulder. "Fox, let's go ... I'm really hungry," she whined. She leaned against him, slipping her hands into his pants pockets, causing Mulder to stumble.

"Come on, Janice," he protested, laughing a little as he removed her hands from his pockets and straightened up.

"Well, Mulder, I'm not sure...." said Scully, rolling her chair back from her computer.

"OWWW!" screamed Janeece. "OW, OW, OW!" Janeece began to hop around the office. "You ran over my foot, Dana! Oh, God, I think my foot's broken!"

"Gee, Janeece, I'm really sorry," said Scully calmly. "Do you want me to take a look at it? I'm a medical doctor, you know."

Mulder shot a look at Scully, then half-dragged Janeece over to the desk and helped her to sit down.

"No, that's okay, Dana," Janeece winced. She moved her foot back and forth. "I think it's going to be okay. I can still move it and everything." She smiled weakly up at Mulder. "Good thing I won't need to be on my feet for Paint Your Wagon tonight."

"Paint Your Wagon?" said Scully. Mulder was going to a musical? She didn't think that he liked musicals any more than he did the Ice Capades.

"Ohmigod, Dana!" Janeece exclaimed. "Haven't you ever been to Paint Your Wagon? Well, you don't really paint wagons there--although I suppose you could--but it is, like, really super- fun and everything. It's this really cool place where you paint pottery. And I'm taking Fox there tonight. I'm going to paint a coffee mug and you're going to paint--what were you going to paint, hon?" she said to Mulder.

"A trinket box," Mulder said through clenched teeth.

Scully put her hand over her face.

"Oh, Dana, sweetie, don't feel bad about running over my foot," said Janeece consolingly. "It'll be fine. Although maybe we could skip lunch and I could go home and soak my foot?" she looked at Mulder.

"Yeah, sounds good," said Mulder shortly.

"Okay, well, see you later, girlfriend!" JaNeece called to Scully as Mulder dragged her limping out of the office.

Mulder was going to paint pottery? Good God. If she looked out of the window well she'd probably see the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse or Jesus descending on a cloud, because if Fox Mulder was going to paint pottery, it must be the end of the world. Scully shook her head.

*********************

He never would have gone back to the office after taking Janeece home to soak her foot, thought Mulder, but he had forgotten his laptop in the rush to get her out of there at lunch time. How he had ever let her talk him into going to that pottery-painting place he would never know. Christ, even the name of it was terrible--Paint Your Wagon, for God's sake. Scully must have laughed all afternoon at that one. Well, that was it. Paint Your Wagon was the last straw; he simply could not see Janice anymore, even to try to make Scully jealous, which she obviously wasn't.

He dreaded facing Scully, and took a deep breath as he turned the corner and walked into the office, only to see Pat Marcus, DVM, sitting in his chair, swiveling it around while he snapped his gum. Could this day get any worse?

"Hey, buddy," Pat smiled at Mulder. "How's it going?"

Mulder glared at him. "Get out of my chair, Pat," he said.

"In a minute," Pat said, throwing a pencil up in the air and catching it.

Mulder walked over to Scully who was holding some transparencies up to the light. She had taken her suit jacket off and he could see the soft swell of her breasts straining against her silk blouse as she stood there, her back slightly arched as she held the document above her head. Oh, God. He swallowed hard. "Pat's in my chair," he wheezed.

"Pat, get out of Mulder's chair," Scully said mechanically, continuing to examine the transparencies, paying no attention to either one of them.

"Yeah, I told him I'd get up in a minute," Pat said. He pushed his feet hard against the floor and slid the chair over to where Mulder and Scully were standing.

Mulder's arms fell to his sides. "He's still in it, Scully."

"Pat--" Scully began tiredly.

Pat looked up at Mulder. "Okay, fine. Whatever." He slid the chair closer to Scully. "We were just going anyway, weren't we...*Scully*," he said softly, as he leaned over and gently stroked the back of Scully's leg, just below her skirt.

Mulder's mouth fell open. How dare he! How dare that little prick touch her, call her "Scully"! That was *his* name for her, Mulder thought angrily. And he, Mulder, was the only man who had a right to touch Scully! He felt a wave of anger shoot through him and moved quickly toward Pat, grabbing the back of the chair in his hands and dumping the younger man onto the floor.

"What the--HEY!" Pat lay on the floor of the office, glaring up at Mulder; then he got up and started to brush himself off. "For Christ's sake, Fox," Pat said angrily, straightening his silk tie, "I didn't think you needed your chair *that* bad."

"What is going on with you two?" Scully asked, exasperated.

"He was in my chair, Scully," Mulder said defensively.

"God, I was just going to get out of it when he threw me on the floor!" Pat looked at Mulder. "You know, this is an expensive suit, buddy."

Scully set the transparency down on top of the file cabinet and put her left hand to her forehead. She looked at Pat who was standing by the desk, sulking. "Okay, that's it. Pat, go upstairs and wait for me there."

"Dana, it wasn't my fault, he just--"

"Now. Upstairs. Now." Scully pointed to the door.

"But, Dana...."

"Don't make me come over there, Pat," she said, glowering at him.

"All right ... all right," he muttered as he gave her a quick glance and left the office.

Scully turned on her heel and glared at Mulder. "What in the hell was that all about?"

"He was in my chair, Scully."

"So what if he was, Mulder?" she said angrily. "We were going to be leaving in a few minutes anyway."

"Yeah? Where's he taking you, the Spring Formal?" Mulder said sarcastically.

Scully glared at him. "What is your problem?" she said, turning away from him and going over to her computer station; she took her suit jacket off the back of the chair and started to put it on.

"I'll tell you what my problem is, Scully," Mulder followed her across the room. "I don't want Pat in the office anymore. If he's going to pick you up at work, then let him wait upstairs. He shouldn't be down here, anyway. There are sensitive materials in the files and he's not authorized to be here."

Scully made a small, impatient sound. "Oh, really? And I suppose Janeece is an undercover FBI agent? She's down here all the time and you don't have a problem with that." She reached for her purse. "Of course, I suppose it's hard to be objective when her hands are in your pants all the time."

"My pants *pockets*, Scully, her hands were in my pants *pockets.*"

"Whatever you say, Mulder," she said casually.

Mulder stared at his partner. "Okay, Scully. You think that Pat is so great while Janice is ... whatever she is. I'll tell you what. Let's go out for dinner, the four of us, and we'll see how Pat stacks up against Janice."

"Janeece."

"Whatever. And I'll bet you that by the end of the evening you will actually like Janeece/Janice."

Scully looked at him. "I don't know...." she hesitated.

"Ha! Put your money where your mouth is, Scully." I've got you now, he thought.

She regarded Mulder carefully. "Okay, Mulder. Where do you want to go?"

Good God, nowhere, he thought. "Um ... your pick, Scully."

"Well," she wrinkled her forehead. Where should they go? She didn't want to be seen in public with that gum-chewing narcissist Pat who was continually trying to look down her shirt; she did know other people on the planet besides Mulder, and she didn't want to run into them, either. "It's too hard to pick a place that all four of us would like...."

"Oh, you mean that you don't know any place that has a clown who could make balloon animals for Pat?" he said innocently.

Scully shot him a look. "No, Mulder, what I meant was this: I'll make dinner for the four of us at my apartment; you pay for three-fourths of the food--whatever I want to make, Mulder, because I'm cooking it--and you have to bring the wine."

"Deal. When?"

Scully thought a minute. "How about this Saturday?" I might as well get it over with, she thought. "My place. Dinner at eight."

"No problem," Mulder said grimly. I might as well get it over with, he thought. "Your place. Dinner at eight."

***************************

"Well, hi-ee, Dana!" Janeece gave Scully a hug as she and Mulder came in the door. "Here, I brought you a little something." She held out a small figurine hanging by a red ribbon to Scully.

"Uh ...thanks, Janeece," said Scully slowly, gingerly taking the figurine by its ribbon from Janeece's hand. It was a small wood-carving of an old crone-like creature, with an incredibly long, pointed chin, a large wart on its forehead, wearing a black print dress with a kerchief on its head, sitting on a broomstick. Scully thought it might possibly be the ugliest thing she had ever seen.

"It's a kitchen-witch, Dana. It'll bring you good luck!" said Janeece. "Not that you need it--something sure smells good, doesn't it, Fox?"

"Yeah," said Mulder unenthusiastically.

"Well, Janeece, I think I'll just put the--the--"

"Kitchen-witch."

"--yeah, I'll just it put up here for now because I wouldn't want it to get ruined." Scully set the ugly little crone on a shelf above the sink.

"Okay," Janeece said brightly. "And who's this?" she smiled at Pat who was walking in from the living room, holding a beer.

"Hey, there, Fox," he said, sticking out his hand, curling his fingers back, extending his thumb and index finger, pretending to shoot Mulder.

Mulder returned the gesture. "Right back at you, Pat." He felt very much like pulling his real gun out and shooting Pat, right then and there.

Pat draped his free arm around Scully's shoulder, his fingertips brushing the top of her left breast. She folded her arms across her waist and moved her shoulder slightly, shifting his hand off her. Pat smiled lazily.

"This is Mulder's friend, Janeece," said Scully. "And this is Pat Marcus," she said to Janeece.

"Cool name," nodded Pat. "Is that Swedish or something?"

Janeece laughed. "No! I made it up myself, you know?'

"Cool ... cool," he nodded appreciatively at Janeece and belched softly. "Well, hey, why don't you come in here while Dana finishes up dinner. You brought the wine, right, buddy?" he said to Mulder.

"Yeah, I brought the wine," said Mulder. All eight bottles of it. He hoped it would be enough. He started to open a bottle of wine as Scully brought over some glasses.

Mulder looked at her. "So what's with Pat? Did you drug his beer or what? He seems to be running at half-speed." Pat and Janeece appeared to be enjoying themselves in the living room.

"Yeah, well, I guess a few drinks with your old fraternity buddies before showing up for dinner will do that to you." Scully exhaled slowly.

"Really." Mulder smirked.

"Too bad you couldn't have slipped Janeece something." Mulder's date was talking a mile a minute. "Oh, excuse me, you probably have."

Mulder gave Scully a look. "I haven't slipped Janice anything."

"Oh, really?" Scully raised her eyebrows.

"I haven't known her that long, Scully. I guess I don't have the 'stamina' that Pat has." He took the wine bottle and two glasses into the living room. "Okay, who wants some wine?"

Scully sighed and went to get dinner out of the oven.

**************

"Omigod, Dana, this is fantastic! What is it?" said Janeece.

"Lasagna."

"Noooo. You're kidding me!"

"No, Janeece, it's the God's honest truth. That is lasagna." Scully said, taking a bite.

"Well, it's really, really good, you know?"

"Yeah, Dana, it's great." Pat leaned over and gave Scully a sloppy kiss, pawing at her left breast. "You should cook for me more often." Scully knocked his hand away, enduring his kiss only because Mulder was watching.

"Isn't this great, Fox?" Janeece asked.

"Yeah," said Mulder flatly. "Does anybody want more wine?"

"I do," said Scully, holding out her glass.

"So, Pat, what do you do?" asked Janeece, taking a bite of salad.

"I'm a vet. -Erinarian. Get it? Veterinarian." He gestured toward Mulder. "He thought I was a vet-ERAN."

"Oh, you're an animal doctor," Janeece said, nodding her head. "Must be fun, huh?"

"Yeah, it's okay. I'm working on a surgical technique right now. I'm hoping that it'll kind of put me above the crowd, you know?"

"What kind of technique is that, Pat?" Scully asked.

"Well, it's a technique I've tried with success a few times, Dana. It's to remove adipose tissue from canines."

"Wow," breathed Janeece. "Sounds hard."

"Wait--" said Mulder. "Removing adipose tissue from canines? Isn't that--"

"Yeah," Pat took a drink of wine. "Liposuction for dogs." He ran his hand through his hair.

"Ummph," said Mulder, snorting wine through his nose.

Scully jumped up. "Could I see you for a moment, Mulder?" she asked in a tight voice. "Over here?" She gestured with her head toward the bedroom.

Mulder could hardly get up from the table. He followed Scully into her bedroom. She closed the door slightly and turned to face him. "God damn it, Mulder! How dare you!"

Mulder was laughing so hard he could barely stand up. "He's a fat sucker, Scully! Your boyfriend sucks the fat out of overweight dogs! Oh my God...." he collapsed with laughter against the door.

"I am going to kill you, Mulder. You just shut up! Now get back to the table and knock it off." Mulder looked at her and started to laugh again.

"Fine. Just stay here then. Don't come back until you can get control of yourself." Scully left the bedroom and went back to the table.

"Everything okay?" Pat asked.

"Uh, yeah, it's fine. Mulder's just ... having a little problem," Scully smiled. She turned toward Janeece as Mulder came out of the bedroom. "So, Janeece, tell Pat about your plans for a career in broadcast journalism."

"Omigod, yeah. I'm really hoping to go to school next year for that. But, you know, it's tough to quit working at the Talbot's, 'cause I get such great discounts. But there are more important things in the world than clothes, you know, and I am really into some causes." Janeece nodded seriously at them.

"And what would those be, Janeece?" Scully asked pleasantly.

"Scully--" Mulder warned.

"Well," Janeece said, looking at Pat, "I have to tell you, I am really, really down on land mines. I mean, they can blow people's legs off and everything." She took a bite of lasagna. "And when I have my own talk show, I am going to do a lot of shows on land mines. Just like Princess Di. She was down on land mines, too. She's kind of my hero, you know?"

"Yeah," said Pat. "She was really hot. Really hot."

"And you know what else? That woman who's engaged to Paul McCartney? She's really down on land mines, too. She only has one leg. Of course, it would almost be worth it to have your leg blown off by a land mine, if you could marry Paul McCartney." She laughed. "'Cause he's really rich, you know? He was in the Beatles, you know?"

Scully cleared her throat. "Actually, Janeece, I think she lost her leg in a car accident."

"Nooo." Janeece tilted her head at Scully, incredulously. "No way."

"Way." Scully nodded.

"Well, anyway, speaking of communicating with the dead," said Janeece, although no one had been, "I don't know if I mentioned this to you or not, Fox, but when Princess Di was killed--it was on my birthday--it was like I felt, you know, part of her spirit enter my body--not the whole thing or anything, just a part, you know--and I've been thinking about taking some classes in channeling, you know, so that I could have access to her spirit, you know? 'Course I could probably just sage myself--that's a cleansing ritual, you know?"

Scully took a sip of wine. "Maybe you should forget about becoming the next Oprah, Janeece. Maybe you could get yourself one of those communicating with the great beyond shows or something."

"Omigod, Dana!" shrieked Janeece. "What a fantastic idea!" She pursed her lips and looked up at the ceiling. "I could call it ... hmm ... how about ... 'Janeece'--you know?"

"Cool," nodded Pat.

Scully started to cough on her wine.

"Here, Scully," Mulder said grimly, getting up and grabbing her around the waist. "Let me give you the Heimlich maneuver." He dragged her off to the bedroom and shut the door. He glared at her. "Lay off Janice, Scully. I know what you're doing."

"Hey, Mulder, I was only trying to include her in the conversation. As much as that's possible." Scully blinked innocently.

"Well, I'm sorry, Scully, that you feel so insecure about yourself that you have to denigrate another person. I mean, whose fault is it that you're dating a vet, an animal doctor? It's not my fault that you couldn't get a real doctor."

"I *am* a real doctor, Mulder," she hissed at him. "I don't have to go out with another doctor to keep my stock up. And at least Pat is a doctor of some type. He doesn't count a Ph.D. as being a doctor."

"And you're saying I do?'

"All I'm saying, Mulder, is when was the last time you heard someone shout out, 'Is there an analyst in the house?' Yeah, like never. I don't feel the need to date up. Or down, the way you apparently do, to feel better about yourself. Going out with little Miss Land Mine of 2002. Did you know, Mulder, that land mines can blow you up real good?"

Mulder grabbed her upper arm. "Okay, so she's not a rocket scientist, Scully--"

"Yeah, you've got that right, Mulder, she's more like the poor man's Madame Cleo--"

"At least she likes me, Scully. She *likes* me; she isn't some incredible ballbreaker who broke up with me because I pissed her off, and I don't even know why--"

"Oh, just give it a few days, Mulder--"

Mulder gave her arm a little shake and glared at her. "You're just jealous, Scully, because I have found a really nice woman ...."

Scully raised her eyebrows. "You think I'm jealous? Oh, Mulder," she smiled sweetly at him. "You must have inhaled too much Day-Glo Orange at Paint Your Wagon."

Mulder felt himself turn red with embarrassment. "I'm warning you, Scully," he said, his voice shaking with rage, "if you ever, *ever* bring up Paint Your Wagon to me again--" he shook his index finger at her.

"What?" Scully asked insolently.

"I will make you very, very sorry--"

"Knockity-knock-knock--" Janeece opened the door and poked her head into the bedroom. "Hey, there," she smiled facetiously. "Is everything okay? You two are lucky that I'm not a jealous person, 'cause you've been in here quite a while," she said in a sing-song voice, waggling her finger at them playfully.

"Yeah, everything's fine," Scully muttered, pulling her arm out of Mulder's grasp and pushing past Janeece on the way to the living room.

"Yeah, great," Mulder said coldly, following Scully and Janeece back into the living room.

******

Janeece was telling Pat a riveting story about her college roommate who'd gotten addicted to Nestle's Quik while Mulder and Scully continued to glare at each other.

Pat nodded as Janeece finished her story. "Yeah, that Quik can be some bad shit," he said. He turned toward Scully. "How about some more wine, Dana?" He leered at her drunkenly, holding the bottle above her glass. "Guess I'd better get you 'likkered up'...."

"No thanks, Pat," Scully said tiredly. "I think I've had enough."

"Come on, baby," he mumbled as he began to pour wine into her glass, spilling most of it on the tablecloth.

Scully jumped up and went to the kitchen, bringing back some club soda and a dishtowel to mop up the wine. Pat staggered up and put his around her waist, pulling her close to him. "Sorry, baby...." he said, moving his hand up her side, toward her left breast.

Scully knocked his hand off her and pushed him back down in his chair. "Come on, Pat," she said crossly. "Give me a little room to work, okay?"

"Jesus, *buddy*," said Mulder, smirking. "I sure as hell hope you suck the fat out of dogs better than you pour wine." He started to laugh again, snorting wine through his nose.

"Okay, that's it," said Scully, throwing the dishtowel on the table, and sitting down heavily in her chair. "Pat, Janeece, I'm sorry you had to see this. Mulder's septum is all fucked up because of his former drug habit."

Mulder's head snapped up and he spluttered helplessly. "What?" he asked indignantly. "What are you talking about, Scully? I've never had a cocaine problem in my life, and you know it!"

"I didn't say 'cocaine,' Mulder, I just said 'drug,'" she said, raising her eyebrows, looking meaningfully at Janeece.

"Ooh, Fox," said Janeece, shaking her head, "that's not so good."

"I do not and never have had a drug problem! Have I, Scully?" Scully shrugged and looked away. "Fine, Scully, if that's the way you want to play it." Mulder glowered at her, then scrambled up out of his chair and went over to Pat. "Hey, buddy," he said, tapping Pat's shoulder. "Let me tell you a little about Agent Scully here." He gestured at her. Scully sat calmly with her arms crossed over her waist and returned Mulder's look placidly. Mulder hit the younger man on the shoulder to get his attention. "Yeah, Pat, I was a little surprised to see that she was interested in you, 'cause usually she likes 'em a lot younger. A *lot* younger, if you know what I mean." Mulder shot a self-satisfied look at Scully.

Scully frowned. "Mulder...."

"What was that story you told that vice cop, *partner*? 'I thought he was eighteen, officer,'" Mulder mimicked. "Thank God for the FBI, huh, Scully? 'Honor among thieves' and all that with local law enforcement. If you hadn't worked for the Bureau, they would have hauled your ass off to jail--"

"Mulder!" said Scully, horrified. "Quit lying! I have never had sex with an underage male in my life, not even when I *was* underage--"

"Well, if that's your story, Scully, I'd advise you to stick to it." He looked at Pat. "So what do you think about that, huh, Pat? Pretty nasty, huh?"

Pat stared at Scully and blinked slowly.

"Oh, for God's sake," Mulder said, disgusted. "You're not even sickened by that, are you? That just turns you on, doesn't it?"

"I don't know...." mumbled Pat, " ...a little from Column A, a little from Column B--"

"Stop it, all of you!" Janeece shouted. "This is terrible!" She looked at Mulder and Scully. "You two are FBI agents, for God's sake! You're not supposed to be involved in drugs or having sex with underage boys! I mean, my God, you work for the federal government, for the FBI, you know? The FBI is supposed to be above those kinds of things!"

"You ever see the news, Janeece?" asked Scully.

"Okay, Scully, we need to talk, right now!" Mulder grabbed Scully by the arm and hauled her off into the bedroom. He slammed the door behind them. "I am furious with you, Scully! You have done it this time! How dare you tell Janeece and Pat that I have a drug problem?"

"And me having sex with underage boys is so much better?" she shot back.

"You started it, Scully. You started it because you're jealous, you're jealous because somebody likes me, because Janeece likes me and you can't stand to see me happy. Because you treated me like shit and you wish you had me back, don't you, Scully?"

She tried to back away from him but his grip was too tight. "Oh, Mulder, you're the jealous one; you're the one displaying that stupid 'alpha male' behavior every time Pat's around--dumping him out of your chair, for God's sake. And don't flatter yourself. I am over you, Mulder. I am *so* over you." She was breathing hard.

Mulder grasped her arm harder and backed her over to the bed "Oh, yeah, Scully, you wish you were over me. You wish you were *all* over me. Or under me ... you wish you under me right now, don't you, Scully?"

Scully gave him a look. "Are you hearing those voices in your head again, Mulder? You must be, because you are certifiable if you think for one minute that I have the slightest interest in you! Maybe Janeece could come in here and ... 'sage' you," she said sarcastically. Mulder took a step forward and Scully tried to step away from him; but she couldn't move any further as he had backed her up against her bed.

They stood there, breathing hard, looking at each other.

"You'd better say you're sorry for that drug comment," Mulder warned her. "You'd better apologize to me, Scully."

"Fat chance!"

"If you don't apologize to me, Scully," he said in a low voice, "I am going to ... I am going to...." Mulder looked down at her, at her blue eyes looking into his; her lips, moist and parted; saw her run her tongue over the front of her teeth. She was breathing hard, her breasts straining against her tight shirt. Oh, Jesus, he thought. Scully ... oh, Scully.... He licked his lips. "If you don't apologize to me right now, I am going to tear your clothes off, throw you down on this bed, and fuck you until you scream."

"Mulder...." she whispered breathlessly. Mulder looked so ... oh, God.... She could barely breathe. "What are you going to do if I *do* apologize?"

"Pretty much the same thing," he said huskily. "Oh, Scully...."

"Mulder!"

He pushed her down on the bed and covered her body with his, pressing his lips against hers in a passionate kiss. He could feel her arms around him as she pulled him to her, felt the soft moist heat of her tongue in his mouth as she kissed him back. "I love you, Scully, and I am so sorry. It was all my fault."

"No, Mulder, I'm sorry. It was all my fault. I love you, Mulder."

"Oh, God, Scully, I thought I'd die without you." He hands were unbuttoning her jeans, unzipping them, and he was starting to slide them down her legs.

"Uh, Mulder ... wait ... wait," she squirmed in his arms.

"What?"

"The dinner?" she tipped her head toward the living room.

"Oh, shit." He stood up and rubbed his forehead with his hand. "What are we going to do?"

She shrugged. "I guess we've got to tell them." She stood up and pulled her jeans back on. They opened the bedroom door and went out into the living room.

It was empty.

Pat and Janeece had taken their coats and gone. And it looked as if Janeece had taken back her kitchen-witch as well. And Pat had made off with the rest of the wine.

Scully pursed her lips and nodded her head. "Well, he was tall."

"And she was hot. If you like that sort of thing--which I don't," he grinned at Scully. He put his arms around her waist. "So tell me, Scully, did Pat ever give you an animal name?" he said in a low voice.

"No, Mulder, he did not," she looked at him.

"I bet he did. And I bet I can guess what it is."

"Then you'd be wrong, Mulder."

"Did you know why he was attracted to you, Scully? He told me, that day in the office when he came to pick you up."

"Because I was tender-hearted and liked animals?" she rubbed her face against Mulder's chest.

"Nope. Because you have a great pair of tits."

She looked up at him. "Well, it's true, Mulder. I do." She drew back from him slightly. "And do you know what attracted Janeece to you?"

"That I was a good listener?"

"No," Scully shook her head. "It was that you have really long fingers, Mulder, and we all know what that means ... that guys with really long fingers have really big--"

"Well, it's true, Scully," he grinned, "you know I do." He pulled her close to him and kissed the side of her face, nuzzling her neck. "Now I'm going to take you into that bedroom, and you know what I'm going to do to you?"

"Mmm...." she said softly, looking up at him from under her lashes. "I don't know, Mulder ... paint my wagon?"

"Oh, Scully," he whispered to her, sliding his hands over her breasts, down to her hips. "I am going to make you very, very sorry...."

"I'm counting on it, Mulder," she said softly, then gave a little shriek as he picked her up and threw her over his shoulder, and headed off for the bedroom.