A little more about anger, that powerful teacher. "Mirroring" is a very helpful tool. When you find your partner making you angry in the same way one of your parents made you angry, you might use your partner as a mirror for looking at yourself more closely, for finding out what you are feeling. If you are angry at a parent and haven't finished working through those feelings, this parent may be reflected in your relationship mirror. Perhaps what you see and what you don't like in the other person reflects something about yourself that you need to look at.
Anger can tear down the walls between you and another person so you can build bridges with the rubble. Anger is the great cleanser that keeps the rubble from accumulating on your relationship bridges. Owning that you have angry feelings and accepting that they are part of you will lead to finding internal peace and feelings of forgiveness toward yourself and others. All of the energy you spent trying to control your anger is now available to love and forgive.
You can be angry and keep your relationships clean. You can let go of the burden of carrying around all of your stockpiled anger, which has used up a great deal of your time and energy. You will have improved feelings of self-worth. You'll be better able to live in the the present and to be appropriately assertive. Dealing with your anger allows you to be more loving. Anger - expressed positively and constructively - can be an ally of love. Ultimately, it will assist you to make Loving Choices.
Who Owns your Feelings?
Who's responsible for the way you are feeling?
Do you blame others for making you feel the way you do?
Do you make statements using such "you statements" as "You make me angry"? (instead of taking ownership of your feelings with an "I-statement": "I'm angry with you for doing that."
One of the many ways people give up their power is through their fears of rejection and abandonment. The fears you haven't dealt with are more likely to control you. For example, do you fear being rejected and abandoned?" How have you been dealing with that fear? Have you been dealing with that fear? Have you been taking care of everyone else, thinking that if you do enough for them, they won't reject you?" Have you been a people-pleaser, trying to please them so they won't leave you?
Have you been the "nice person," hoping that if you are nice enough, they'll like you? Would it surprise you to learn that most of these behaviours will motivate people to distance you instead - to reject you? Your choice may have contributed to bringing about the very thing you feared most. Can you think of other ways you may have contributed to your own rejection and abandonment?
We encourage you to allow your feelings to help you know yourself better.
Regain your personal power, and become free to make Loving Choices.
Your Emotional Buttons.
No one can make you feel sad, mad, or glad if you don't have those feelings inside you. Another person may trigger feelings that you already have with comments that are unfair, critical, judgmental, domineering, or aggressive. They may "push your buttons." which results in bringing up your felings in response. Remember, how you respond is your choice and your responsibility.
YOU OWN YOUR FEELINGS.
What happens when someone interrupts you? What do you feel?" Maybe it creates the same feelings you felt as a child when no one would listen to you? or when no one would believe you?
PASSIVITY allows others to erode your identity by denying yourself appropriate expression of your feelings. Acting assertively and establishing appropriate BOUNDARIES will allow you to maintain your identity - to be the person you really are.
Verbalize your feelings. Develop and use good communication skills, and improve your ability to express your feelings.
"ANYTHING YOU CAN TALK OUT, YOU DON'T HAVE TO ACT OUT."
You have a whole rainbow of colors inside of you - your feelings world.
This rainbow of feelings helps you access and express the full spectrum of your colors - who you are. Feelings can be a source of strength. How much energy have you been spending keeping your feelings stuffed or denied?
How often have your feelings been in control? How much energy have you spent on internal battles between your conflicting feelings?
Can you accept your feelings as a part of you and allow them consciously to influence your actions and behavior?
Your thoughts and feelings working together can be a powerful team. Balancing your head and your heart allows you to become centered, clear, integrated and free from internal conflict. Instead of fighting yourself, you become an empowered, whole loving person.
If you found this interesting, the book is available in the Library.