Harper's Tale-Kaeryn - Thursday, February 01, 2001, 2:28 PM
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And After Flights...
Brencia is standing up, hands on the railing. She watches her mother with all the a serious curiousity, regarding while unregarded.
Kaeryn opens her eyes, slowly, fidgeting just a little under the blankets. A little late in the morning, it may be, but she wasn't in a hurry to rise. Not today. With a sigh, the blankets are pushed off and she rolls out of bed and to her feet. Big mistake on her part. Her face goes slightly pale, and she returns to the bed, just sitting barely on the edge while she tries to regain her balance.
Brencia's face alights in a joyful smile. "Mommy!" She bounces on the mattress, almost enough to lose her balance, but holds herself up with the crib railing.
"Good morning, love," Kae mumbles, turning her head to look in Brencia's direction and giving the little one a small smile. "Give me a few minutes and I'll get you some breakfast, alright?" the request is made to a hopefully understanding toddler before the harper pushes herself to her feet once again, using the matress to steady herself as the room continues to spin.
Brencia keeps bouncing excitedly, and now she does lose her balance, sitting down with a light plop on the mattress. Surprise crosses her face at her sudden change of position, but it doesn't faze her; up she climbs again. "Had bekfas 'ready. Wanna play." A pause. "Please?" Innocence beams from her cajoling smile.
Kaeryn moves slowly, a little carefully, across the room and scoops Bren into her arms, setting the girl on the floor. "You have, have you? And what did you have for breakfast?" Once the toddler is free to do as she pleases, for the moment, the mother returns to the bedside and slips into a dress. Shoes are, for now, forgotten, not important enough in her mind at the moment.
Brencia exclaims proudly, "Cer'l! Wi' Daddy 'n Cissus." Her names for Cirrus vary by the hour; at this point, the woman will answer to anything up and including 'hey, you'. "Play?" She runs herself in small circles, freeing excess energy.
Kaeryn watches the toddler spin for a moment longer before, suddenly, she's unable to watch anymore. With a gulp, she holds her hand to her mouth and runs out the weyr, dropping to her knees in the sand on the side of the hill, barely hitting the ground before being sick.
T'rell, circling around Sejith without watching where he's going, just barely misses running into Kaeryn -- which would have been bad, indeed. Startled, he halts in his tracks and drops the firestone sack where it lands. "Kaeryn?" The green tinge to her countenance alerts him to her queasiness a heartbeat before she kneels. He bends next to her, a steadying hand on her shoulder even as he cringes and waits for her to finish before noting, "You don't look so good."
Sejith's eyes whirl quicker, tinging on the yellow of alarm. His tail shifts nervously as he watches.
Kaeryn reaches up, pushing her hair back from her face as she continues to kneel on the ground, the other hand keeping her steady enough to not fall over. Eyes close while she waits for the world to stop spinning around her, just quietly concentrating on deep breaths in the hopes they'll settle her stomach. Helping hand isn't noticed, or is just ignored for now.
T'rell helps keep Kaeryn's hair out of her way, once he realizes it's a problem; he's never had long hair, so didn't consider it... He takes a breath, as if to speak, but releases it quietly, waiting with worried eyes.
"Mommy!" Brencia's piercing call echoes from the chamber. "Mommy, lookit what I got!" The girl runs, barefoot, out into the clearing, hands closed and outstretched and looking very proud of herself.
Sejith peers down at the miniature person, each curious eye larger than the whole toddler.
Kaeryn takes another deep breath before instinctively pulling her hair away from T'rell's helpful hand. The hand that held up her moves quickly, brushing sand down the hill to cover the mess she'd just made. She turns her head, cautiously, toward the girl, opening her eyes only once they're in the direction of her daughter. "What do you have, sweetie?"
"Look!" Brencia, excited to display her prize, isn't looking where she's going. Stumbling on a stone, she flops forward abruptly to the ground; at least she didn't have far to fall. Her hands fly open, and a small stone tumbles out, mingling with the rest of the hillside, and the girl bursts into miserable tears.
In two steps, T'rell is at Brencia's side, picking her up off the ground and brushing sand from a scraped knee. "Hey, don't worry, we'll find your stone again," he reassures the blubbering child. Sejith too nuzzles her gently, touching her only enough to muss her hair with warm breath.
"Oh, 'cia," Kae moves toward her, albeit slowly, picking up the tiny stone that had escaped from the little fingers when she fell. Disregarding both man and dragon, the stone is offered, resting in the center of Kae's much larger palm. "It's a pretty treasure, thank you for coming to show me."
Brencia's tears continue unabated, wailing her distress in incoherent syllables against the nearest parent. "Shh, 'Cia, you're okay, we're here," T'rell reassures, holding her close. Small fingers close on his jacket and reach for Kaeryn at the same time, her eyes scrunched closed.
"Here, 'Cia, here's your pretty," Kae croons in a motherly way toward the toddler, still holding the stone out. "Take it, show Sejith, he'll like it," the harper reaches up, gently releasing Brencia's hold on T'rell's jacket long enough to place the shining stone in the toddler's hand. The instant the stone changes hands, Kae spins, dropping to the sand again, her stomach apparently choosing to be empty of all of itss contents before satisfied.
Brencia stops bawling as abruptly as she started, blinking soggy eyelashes and staring at her mother. She squirms in T'rell's arms and the man sets her down on the ground again where she sits, hiccupping softly. Sejith brushes the ground with his muzzle next to the toddler, and distracted, she puts a tiny hand on him. A glance back to mom, then she holds the stone up so the dragon can see it.
"He says it's pretty, Bren," T'rell tells his daughter softly, wiping away the last of her tears. Then he stands, approaching Kaeryn almost cautiously. "Kae? Are you okay?" Obviously not, but it's the thought that counts, right?
Wiping her mouth, Kae gets to her feet. Pausing just long enough to be sure that her daughter is alright and it's safe to leave her outdoors, she returns to the weyr, her bare feet kicking sand up as she walks, and padding lightly against the floor of the cave as she walks deep inside. With a sigh, she leans over the bubbling spring and scoops water up to her face to clean it.
T'rell steps hesitantly in, watching Kaeryn from a distance as he leans on a cabinet. He pauses, then finally speaks. "Kaeryn, what's wrong?" Okay, besides the stuff his guilty conscience reminds him of. "Should I call a healer?"
"I'll be fine," Kae replies, somewhat sharply, not looking up from the water as she lets its rushing current clean her hands. Reaching for a towel, she manages to knock the stack over, but, in a very un-Kaeryn-like gesture, doesn't bother restacking them, just dries her hands and moves on to the bedroom, dropping the now-damp towel into the basket.
Brencia hiccups from the entrance, toddling in on her own with fist tightly clenched around her shiny stone. T'rell turns, forewarned, and takes the girl's other hand, escorting her back inside. "Thanks, Sejith." Half thought, half murmured acknowledgement. "C'mon, Bren, let's rinse that knee off." On his way, he replaces a couple of towels on the stack, not nearly as neatly as Kaeryn would have; he soaks a small cloth in the stream and dabs at the child's scraped knee. "How long has this been going on?" he questions Kaeryn, prodding for information.
"I said I'm fine," Kae repeats herself, not feeling that she should really give out any more information than that at the moment. With a tug, she pulls the curtain separating the main room from the bedroom area and slips behind it to change out of her now-dirty clothes.
"All better?" Brencia's fluting query travels through the cavern, answered by the lower murmur of T'rell's reassurance. "All better. Can you show me your stone now?" Father leads shuffling daughter back over to the study area, where morning light diffuses in the window. "Hey, that's really nice, where'd you find that?" He glances at the closed curtain, waiting for it to open again.
"Eight days, if you must know," Kae replies, jerking the curtain open once again, leaving her standing there in the doorway, glowering down at him. Her face, usually tan, is very pale, and she pushes her hair back from her face once again, waiting for him to speak, or more, or something.
T'rell looks up suddenly, meeting Kaeryn's eyes openly. "Eight days? Have you seen anyone about it?" The stone dribbles from his fingers back into Brencia's outstretched palm, and she studies it while he rises, striding over toward Kaeryn.
"Why would I?" Kae wrinkles her nose, turning to face the interior of the bedroom area once again, not willing to look T'rell in the eye, even if he *is* worried. "Jathen will be at the weyr in a few days, I'll see him then." Leaning over, she picks up her sandals and pulls them on to her feet, one at a time, then stomping on the floor to make sure they're set correctly.
"Why?" Incredulous, T'rell stands at the bottom of the stairs, facing her. "You've been tossing your cookies every morning for eight days and you want to know why you should see a healer? Or do you consider it 'normal' to empty your stomach in the wrong direction?"
"What's it matter to you if *I* get sick every morning?" Kae shoots back at him angrily, her eyes filling with tears and her face brightening to a deep shade of pink. "Did you even know that I was still getting sick?" Taking the stairs slowly, one at a time, she pauses on the last one, looking down on him for a moment with eyes threatening to spill their tears, before pushing past him and sitting at her desk.
T'rell just stands and allows himself to be pushed. "I've been on duty every morning for a sevenday," he reminds her softly. "You didn't tell me." He follows at a distance, standing at the corner of the alcove entrance.
"You didn't ask," Kae mumbles, her voice a little less firm than before, "but, since you're asking now. I'll be fine." There's a pause, and she glances over her shoulder just long enough to show the tears slipping down her cheeks now before turning again, flipping open a book and beginning to work.
Brencia looks curiously up at Kaeryn. "Mommy cry?" she plaintively wants to know.
"Kaeryn," T'rell's steps are quiet as he walks up behind her chair, his fingers combing idly through a lock of her hair. "Don't do this to us."
Kaeryn nods her head and looks down at the toddler, reaching a hand out to touch Brencia's forehead gently. "Even Mommies hurt sometimes," she explains softly, her voice shaking. "But it'll be alright, mommy can fix her own hurts." At his touch, her eyes close, forcing a few more tears down her pale cheeks. "Do what, T'rell? What did I do?"
T'rell exhales, ineloquent. "You're pushing me away. I can guess why," he admits, his voice quiet and thick. "But don't do it now, when you're not well. Please, Kaeryn."
"But it hurts *now*," Kaeryn admits, releasing a deep breath, letting her head drop forward so she's staring at her lap instead of the book. She may not be facing him, but at least she doesn't push him away, right? "Should I just not think about it until I feel better, because I just don't think I can work that way."
"Kaeryn." T'rell kneels by her chair, offering his hand with open palm. "I've always been honest with you, and I'm being honest with you now." He studies her downturned face. "I never wanted to hurt you. As much as anyone can, you know about flights, what they do." He breathes, glances down to meet Brencia's curious and worried eyes, and is struck speechless; he closes his eyes.
"But you didn't come home last night," Kae whispers, tears streaming down her face and she forces herself to look at him, "I waited, and you didn't come." Instead of taking his hand, she lifts hers to her cheek, brushing the tears away. "You're right, I *do* know about flights, but that doesn't mean I like it. I promised you that I wouldn't let it bother me, but it *does*. I try not to let it, but it still *does*."
T'rell shakes his head slowly, forehead creasing in concern as he looks up to see the woman's tears. "You were asleep by the time I got here. I came back as soon as ..." He reaches up with work-roughened hand to wipe her cheek, excuses, reasons catching in his throat. "I hoped it would never happen like this."
"I don't even have the right to ask you to try," Kae argues, even against herself. "It's... it's just the way it is, the way it works, but it isn't the way it's supposed to feel, is it? Maybe she was right." Her hands drop to her lap again, brushing against his on the way down, and settle against her stomach in a protective manner. "You're here now, right?" the question is asked as though it should be enough, but is it?
T'rell grasps Kaeryn's shoulder with more strength than he intended, immediately releasing her again to run his hand down her arm instead as he tries to guide her eyes to meet his troubled gaze. "I'm here," he confirms, insists. "And you know I love you." Sometimes, it seems she needs reminding. "I don't want to hurt you, and Sejith doesn't either."
"I know," Kae leans over, touching her forehead against his in a somewhat forgiving gesture. "I mean, I think I know. No, I do.." Confusion is evident in her voice and in her eyes as she sits up again. "I don't even understand me the past few days, I've been so.. that's probably what this is. Just the idea of you with someone else right now. Admit it, when Marius came around, the idea of he and I was horrible, right? I mean, did that hurt, or did you just figure it would all work out in the end? Maybe you can think that way, but I can't."
T'rell gathers Kaeryn's hands in his own. "Marius," he recalls quietly, nodding to himself. "Letting you choose was the hardest thing I ever did." He glances down, his silver hair too long and falling over his forehead. "My choice is always you." He searches her eyes, as open as he's ever been.
Brencia cocks her head sideways, swiping a brown curl out of her face as she watches the proceedings. All this serious talk. Bored, she scowls and picks up a small stuffed ball, rolling it between her hands.
"Then, promise me something?" Kae pleas, not looking away from him this time. "The next time you..." she pauses, not exactly sure how to fill in the blank the way she's headed. "Just, wake me up. It may be foolish of me, and maybe I'm just being a non-understanding woman, but I need to know that... you've come back. You weren't there when I went to sleep, and when I woke up this morning, you weren't there..."
T'rell nods silently, standing; holding Kaeryn's hands, he guides her up from her chair to slip a hand about her waist. "I promise. We were on duty early... you were sleeping well, finally." Again, his concern turns to her welfare. "Are you sure you're fine?"
"I'm fine. I'm almost positive that I'm *better* than fine," Kae explains as she's pulled to her feet, gently squeezing his hands. Attention is pulled elsewhere for a moment, and she shakes her head, "Just a moment, love, *please*." Emphasis is put on the last word, a gentle begging for just another moment. "I need to talk to Daddy. Give us a few more minutes, and we'll play with you, alright?"
"Bren, your mother said to wait," T'rell reinforces. "And you don't order us around." Keeping track of the girl out of the corner of his eye, he gives Kaeryn a quizzical look as he rests his hands on her waist. "What do you mean, better than fine?"
"When's the last time I was sick? Do you remember? Like this, I mean?" Kae presses for him to think and maybe he'll figure it out on his own. "I get tired sometimes, but not this tired. Don't you think that's a little...unusual." The harper's blue eyes sparkle as she speaks, cocking her head to the side as she watches him.
T'rell blinks, thinking back. "Well, I don't know," he replies. "Not since you've been here, other than when Bren was born." Still, the gears haven't clicked, though they're turning, and he cocks an eyebrow at her in question. "Bren," he chides the girl as she tries to wriggle herself under the couch, "I'll get it for you in a minute, just be patient, okay?"
"Exactly," Kae murmurs, leaning forward to rest her body against his, wrapping her arms around his neck. "Not since Bren was born. Actually, not since *before* Brencia was born, when I was at Tillek." A smile plays on her lips now, but she struggles to keep it hidden, not wanting to give the answer away completely.
T'rell wraps Kaeryn in his embrace, leaning his chin on her shoulder. "At Tillek, when Brina and I smuggled you out to Silver Cove?" he guesses quietly, brown eyes following Brencia as she picks at the rug, dissatisfied.
A nod accompanines Kaeryn's answer, causing her curls to bounce up and down off her back. "And it wasn't really that I was sick," head tilts, pressing gently against his as she waits for him to figure it out.
T'rell holds Kaeryn close but gently, as if she might break. In her ear, he whispers confidentially. "You're trying to make me guess that you're pregnant again, aren't you?" The light dawns, and it is glorious to behold.
Kaeryn leans back, holding up a finger in front of his nose, shaking it back and forth. "I said *almost* positive," even with the shaking negative, she can't help but smile. "But, that's the only reason I can come up with for being sick in the mornings, fine in the evenings and, well, moody all around."
T'rell grins for the first time since Kaeryn woke up. "So you're going to make sure, right?" he prompts. "Not that I like you being sick in the mornings, mind you."
Brencia wriggles across the rug like a tunnelsnake, grabbing at he parents' ankles. "Daaaddy," she whines, "My ball." She retreats as he looks down at her, innocent as she corrects herself. "Please?"
"Now do you see why the idea of you being with.." Kae begins, shaking her head, suddenly deciding that it might not be a good idea to mention names, "why the idea was so hard for me?" Realizing she's stepping on a touchy subject once again, she shrugs and steps back, motioning for him to assist their daughter. "I asked Jathen to come at his earliest chance. I know, there's a healer here, but he did so well with Bren. I trust him."
T'rell's grin fades for a moment in concern, nodding once as he rests his hand on Kaeryns shoulder briefly. "Okay, 'cia, okay." Reluctantly, he releases Kaeryn, shaking his head in wonder at their daughter's persistence as he hunkers down, reaching under the offending movable to retrieve Brencia's lost toy. "You sure got it stuck way back here, didn't you, kid?" The toddler giggles, a musical gurgling, and her father chuckles, fishing the ball out and rolling it over to her. "Try not to get it lost for a little while, okay?" With an affectionate ruffle of her chestnut curls, he stands, then sits on the couch, gesturing an invitation for the harper to join him. "Jathen'll do fine," he agrees. "Look, Kae, I know it's hard for you to hear, but... maybe I'm wrong, but I feel I have to explain."
"Alright," Kae looks a little unsure about the idea, but motions toward the couch and shrugs, "mind if we sit down? I'm having a little trouble with standing up for long periods of time making me, well, sick." Without waiting for an answer, she takes his hand and moves toward the seat and make herself comfortable.
T'rell nods, shifting to face Kaeryn on the couch, trying to find the words to explain what he only comprehends in thought. "Sejith and I, we -- " he starts, haltingly. "He's as much his own person as I am. Does that make sense?" Without waiting for an answer, he stumbles onward. "As much as I'm attracted to you, he has those same feelings about Quarith." He glances out the window, where Sejith has suddenly shaded the light, resting his head on the ground at the right angle to see inside. The man smiles in undisguised affection; bolstered, he continues. "When we're together, you and I, he feels it. When he flies..."
"When he flies you want what he wants and therefore..." Kae nods her head, showing that she understands, or is at least trying to understand, though it's a concept no one that doesn't experience it really can. "I was as angry with him as I was with you this morning, and I know that isn't fair to him, but I was.."
"I *am* him," T'rell tells her earnestly. "It's the best way to explain it," he grins crookedly, "ridiculous as it may sound." Sejith's eye is nearly of a size with the window as he peers in. "I can't even describe how amazing it is to share a flight with you. Yesterday, he was so strong -- he's never caught Quarith before." He shrugs, and sighs. "I barely knew where I was until I woke up."
"I know you are. The two of you, you've always been one person or one dragon to me. I've never even considered only liking or loving one of you, but that means that I can't not hate or not want to be around just one of you." Kae reaches up, brushing her fingers across T'rell's cheek. "I love you, both of you, but you, both of you, have to understand that there's only one of me, so it isn't easy for me..."
T'rell captures Kaeryn's fingers at her touch, words fled. As much explanation as he had, he gave, and so he traces the curve of her hand, her palm, and looks into her blue eyes, the spring sky held within their depths. Outside, Sejith withdraws from the window, and the sun slants in once more to touch Brencia's corner of the rug. A hopeful smile softens his expression, dispelling the edge of worry etched upon it, and he finally speaks again; "I'd be in deeper trouble yet if there were more of you."
Unable to do anything but smile at his words, Kae just sits there for a moment. Unable to push the thought away, she has to ask, "But does that mean that you'll always want to be with Saria?" Kae asks quietly, her gaze shifting towards the window Sejith just abandoned for a moment, a look of affection mixed with one of the confusion of someone trying desperately just to understand. "You've said before that Sejith, he cares for Brencia and I, so does that mean..?" Her eyes return to T'rell, offering him the same affection and confusion.
"Saria has been a friend to me for even longer than Sejith," T'rell shakes his head; the feelings he has for the woman are hardly simple after so long. "In turns past... " the thought trails off, replaced. "Now, I'd rather be with you, no matter who Sejith flies. Of course I care for Saria," he adds, and considers. "Given the same situation again, I can't guarantee I'd do anything differently. I have to be honest with you, but if given a choice..." Brencia tugs at his trousers, bored and wanting to be part of the conversation, and he reaches to pull her up onto his lap. "I wouldn't trade you for the world. Either of you." He grins at the toddler's new pebble, collected from something Sejith must've tracked in.
"Or all three of us?" Kae teases, scooting over to lean against T'rell so the three of them are curled up together on the sofa. "Are you up for this, again? Do you think? Because if not, it might be too late."
Brencia reaches for Kaeryn, catching at her mother's dress. "Tree!" she repeats the number, smiling and seeming very smart.
T'rell grins at mother and daughter, resting an arm around Kaeryn's shoulders as he places a kiss upon her golden hair. "Well, right now I think I'm outnumbered, so I've got a fifty-fifty chance of an ally, eh?"
Kaeryn rubs her hands across her stomach and nods, "I guess so, but don't ask me. I thought *she* was a boy, and I was obviously wrong." Gold covered head nuzzles against T'rell's neck and she closes her eyes, "but you aren't outnumbered. You have Sejith, and he's...quite larger." Relaxed, finally, after what seems to have been an overly long overly emotional time. "So, does this mean Sejith's going to be a dad, too? And..." eyes flutter open again, "what's this mean for you?"
T'rell nods, raising his eyebrows. "Not sure, really. I guess we'll find out," he shrugs slightly, tickling Brencia as she starts to climb up to the back of the couch. She squeals and giggles, curling up into a little ball and peeking out at both adults. "My guess is that he'll be too curious about the whole business to stay away." He pauses, then calls out the window, "You know you will. You're bad enough when the dragonets aren't yours."
"You aren't going to have to spend months out on the sands like the goldriders, are you?" Kae looks quite worried over *that* idea, wrinkling her nose quite unhappily. A grin, though, is given in the direction of the window and she laughs, "Tell him I think he'll be a great dad, if your skills are something to judge on."
T'rell rolls his eyes, then grins at Brencia while he tickles her ear. "Not a chance. You know how hot the hatching sands get? I'd never survive." She ducks her head to the side, hiding the ear, so dad tickles the other ear. "Oh, he'll do fine as long as he can stand Quarith while she's on the sands." He winks merrily to Kaeryn.
"That's good, because if you had to be out there and my intuition is right, you might have more trouble dealing with me than Sejith would have with Quarith." Kae giggles, a gentle, rolling laughter that echoes through the weyr. "And I promise, today, to *try* to not snap at you so much. I guess it was easier last time because you didn't have to spend every single day with me."
"Oh, don't worry," T'rell shakes his head, adding offhandedly, "I'll just adjust my schedule so I'm out every morning."
Kaeryn gets physical, reaching up and, using a little of her stage-acting skill, punches him in the arm. "So that's it, you've been doing mornings the last seven-day so you didn't have to deal with me. I got it." But, she laughs again, curling up against him and closes her eyes. "Everything will be alright, though. Things just have a way of working out."
Brencia climbs up on the joint lap of her parents, hugging Kaeryn spontanously. "Hungry, Mommy."
T'rell gets in a last playful tickle at their daughter and leans briefly against Kaeryn's hair. "So far, so good," he agrees.
Kaeryn gently squeezes Brencia before setting the toddler on the ground and motioning for T'rell to follow before getting to her feet and heading toward the door. "Then to dinner it is, 'Cia. You lead the way, Mommy's following."