| That's When I'll Stop Loving You ...i'm sure you've heard these words before and i know it's hard for you to trust them once more you're afraid it all might end and a broken heart is scared of breaking again but you gotta believe me i'll never leave you you'll never cry long as i am there and i will always be there you will never be without love... Lance sat on the deck of his home, a glass of Jim Beam in one hand, the phone in his other. "You need to call her," Justin said, tapping his foot nervously. "Just dial the damn number and call her. She's only five once." Five. The number rang endlessly through his head. FIve years of faded promises and selfish mistruths. He was scared, more frightened than he'd ever been in his 21 years. Five years of trying to forget and move on. Now the papers sat accusingly on his kitchen table, DNA tests and court requests to relinquish parental rights. "I can't," he stammered, gazing out over the horizon. "God help me, I can't. I won't know what to say to her." Justin bit his lip, any compassion he'd felt over these last years disappating quickly. The guy needed to stand up on his own two feet, stop hiding behind 'what's best for the group' because it really didn't matter. What did matter was what was best for the five year old daughter hidden from the world. "Lance, call now. You can do it." He laid a supportive hand on Lance's arm, unprepared for the sob that ripped through his friend. "Five, Justin. She's five and I've only seen her a handful of times." Justin nodded. He was well aware of Lance's absent nature, birthdays forgotten, only the occasional Christmas gift sent with a card sometimes promising he'd visit or send for her. Lies, all of them. Lance Bass could not be seen with a kid. No fucking way. There wasn't a fan around prepared to do the math on that one. "Just call her," Justin repeated firmly. "Tell her happy birthday. You know damn well if you don't, you're going to have to sign her away. You have to try, Lance." Lance nodded silently, sipping from the glass tumbler in his hand. He knew, he fucking knew all to well that her mother wanted to marry and have her new husband adopt the five year old, the child conceived out of a random act of lunacy and unthinking when he was just a child himself. He recalled the moment he'd found out, the terror in his heart and the way his body shook with insanity. "What does that mean, pregnant?" "Take a guess. You're going to be a daddy." "I'm too young. I can't be." "Well, it's kinda late now. You made it." "But I'm leaving soon, for Europe. Our group is just getting started. I can't do this. Isn't there some way to um, you know, take care of it." "I don't believe in abortion, Lance. So just forget it. I'll handle it." Lance shivered at the memory. He didn't mean for it to happen, not with her, not with anyone. She was older than him by three years and seductive, and liked him. She'd taken him to her father's boat and cooked him dinner, listened to him ramble about the prosepcts of being in this new group, and how excited he was. He was a virgin, scared and unsure, and she'd promised him it was okay, that she'd done this before and it felt so good, so he hadn't stopped, even though his heart was thudding unmercifully against his ribs, and his stomach rolled with nerves. And bam, instant kid. She was a cutie, though, and Lance smiled thinking about that. Blonde white hair and endless green eyes, just like his. Kaylie. That was her name. She had her mother's last name at his pleading, and now she'd have a strange man's name, and Lance wanted her to have his name, as was proper. But nothing was going to happen if he didn't get some balls and make the call, attempt to reconnect with her, and try to be as much of a father as he could at his age with his responsibilities. "Justin, I'm scared," he whispered, placing his drink down on the wooden planter next to his chair. "I'm really scared that I'm going to loose what I never knew I wanted." His big eyes were tear filled and he sniffled to keep his nose from running. "I fucked up, and shit, maybe she's better off without me. Maybe she's better off with a new dad, one who gives a fuck." Justin knelt down next to Lance. "Come on, you were just a kid yourself. You didn't know. We all make mistakes. The test of a true man is how far you go to make it right. That little girl needs her biological dad, you." He pointed to the phone in Lance's hand. "The first step is to call her and make right all the broken promises that she's endured already." "You're right," Lance nodded, dialing quickly before he lost his nerve. How many times had he heard her tiny voice over the line asking if he could come and see her soon, and how many times had he promised he would without showing. He never meant to do that, he always meant to keep his promise, but somehow the group got too busy, or his businesses needed him, or some reason that he blew her off. And her mother would call him, crying herself for her daughter's broken heart and scream at him, tired of the excuses and tired of seeing her kid go through the pain of having a dead beat dad. No more. His pride was catching up to him. He'd grown so much in the past year and he fully intended to make it all right. He listened carefully as the other end of the line rang and rang. Lance wanted to pick up his drink, down the rest of it in one big gulp and pretend he was through the call already, made his peace and spelled out his intentions for Kaylie and her mother, and beg them to accept his apology and let her have his name. Kalyie Bass, not bad at all. His chest throbbed and sharp pains ripped through him as he waited without breathing. "Hello?" It was her, his little girl. Lance felt a sob rise in his throat, and choked it down. "Kaylie, happy birthday sweetie. Do you uh, do you know who this is?" It had been a while, at least two months since his last contact with her. He had to remember not to get his hopes up if she had no idea, even though it would hurt more than death, more than anything. He didn't deserve anything from her, but still. "Daddy?" Lance lost it. He let the cry up from it's place, and let the tears roll because no matter what a shit he was, she remembered him. "Umm hmm," he managed, lifting the phone away a bit so as not to upset her. "Are you coming to my party daddy? Mommy has the balloons and there's a pony and...." "Lance? What the hell are you doing?" Lance flinched as Kaylie's mother grabbed the phone away, anger and annoyance filled voice ringing in his ears. "I wanted to um, wish her a happy birthday," he sniffled, taking a tissue from Justin who was kind enough to go get one. "Look, I know exactly why you're doing this. I'm not stupid. I know you got the papers, Lance, and I'm not going to let you do this to her, not today, no more." "I did get them," he admitted, wiping his nose again. "I just don't think I can give her up like that. I mean, I've grown and learned, and I am so sorry, and I want to make good with her, Jesus, I do." "Save it, Lance. Save it for some fucking fan or shit who hasn't had to see their little girl have promises made and broken year in and year out. Don't you get it? You lost her. It's done. Just do us a favor and sign her over so my fiance can take care of her, be a man, unlike you." Lance's face burned with the harsh truth. "But I wasn't a man," he stumbled over the words, over the fact he'd only been fifteen and a half, going on 16, and he was terrified, and spent every night and day praying and trying to make good in his heart. "I wasn't a man, and now I have to try to be. I know I can't make it up right away, but I do want to see her, and be in her life, and I have a lot to offer her now. I can give her things, and share my love and be a dad." The silence was horrific, deadly and still, and Lance winced under the tension and pressure from it all, his hands sweaty and Justin standing there with huge sympathetic eyes gazing down at him. "No," she finally said, breaking the moment. "Not anymore. You had five years. Sign the papers Lance, for her." The phone went dead in his hand, and Lance shook, his entire body trembling under the weight of her words. ...for her... He dropped his head into his hands and swayed. He had lost it, and he really had no right to ask for another chance. Still, he had a vision of a Kaylie as a young teenager, or young woman hunting him down with accusing eyes and a hole in her soul, hating him for giving her up. He sat there for a long time, hearing Justin retreat into the house to give him space. The sun crept down in the sky and Lance didn't move, the last five years looming large in his mind, nightmares of what he'd done, the irreverible damage he'd caused. He deserved any and all pain that was heading his way. "Lance?" Justin's voice was soft as the sliding glass doors opened. "Man, you been out here for hours. Do you want something to eat?" Lance looked up, his eyes red and bloodshot. "No," he replied quietly. "I can't stomach myself right now, let alone food. Thanks though." Justin nodded and sat down. "I was thinking something," he said slowly. "I was wondering what would happen if you just showed up at her house with a gift. Her mom wouldn't let you not see her right?" "I guess not," Lance sighed, running his fingers through hair. "But what's the point? I think Kaylie deserves a father. This guy has been in her life since she was two and a half. She knows him, she loves him. She should call him daddy." He stood up letting out a long breath. "Not good enough," Justin said shaking his head. "Not fucking good enough. You love that kid, Lance. Now, I may not know dick about being a parent, but I have little brothers, and I know they have enough love in their hearts for everyone in their lives." He watched as Lance moved inside the house, not wanting to hear about it. "Lance, listen to me!" he cried, following him in. "Listen." He grabbed Lance's arm and pulled him hard. "Go upstairs and get that gift and let's go. I'll go with you." "Why?" Lance screamed, yanking out of Justin's grasp. "What the fuck good will it do? I'll only hurt her again. Christ, Justin. I can't fucking have a solid relationship with anyone since this. You know that. You fucking know every girl I date I screw over and they end up leaving because I don't let them in." His voice was shrill, his green eyes dark with a storm brewing in his body. Justin stepped back a bit, unsure just how far to push. It was true. Lance hadn't ever had a good relationship, not one. He'd always started one, then shut himself down, finding fault with the littlest things to avoid pain and hurt. Justin remembered that stay in Europe in the beginning when Lance cried himself to sleep, and tried to tell everyone he was only homesick, but he was sad, and when the call came in the dead of the night announcing Kaylie's arrival in the world, Lance had broken down completely. Since then, Lance had not loved, been incapable of the emotion he longed for. "Leave me alone," Lance sighed, hopping up the steps to his room. Justin cringed when he heard the door slam shut, rattling the pictures on the hallway wall. "Fuck," Justin hissed, throwing his hat from his head. He reached for the phone. "JC. It's me. I need your help." ******************************************************************************************************************************************************** Lance swiped at the items on his dresser top, sending them crashing to the floor. Tears burned his eyes and frustration mixed with regret caused a lethal combination inside him. "Dammit!" he screamed, collasping to the floor. He was spent, tired of the five years of random emotions and broken heartstrings. He was incapable of love, the only one he wanted to love was his flesh and blood, and he was going to give her up. He had to. She deserved it. "Lance?" "Go away Justin. Please." "No. Open up or I'm breaking it down." Lance sighed wearily. Justin would do it too. Break the damn door off the hinges and not think twice. He stood up and pulled the door back, stepping aside to let his friend in. "What?" "Don't snap at me," Justin snarled. "JC is on his way. We're all going to the party and we're givng Kaylie a special gift, one her mother won't be able to keep from her." Lance shook his head, overwhelmed and exhausted. "Fine," he said flatly, grabbing the large gift bag from his bedside. It was full of material gifts he'd bought online, baby dolls and art supplies, a keyboard and clothes. He just went nuts one night, purchasing thousands of dollars worth of gifts to ease his soul. "Let's go." He paused to grab the parental release papers on his way out. Justin and Lance heard the crunch of JC's tires on the driveway. They headed out, hopping into his car. "Hey, Lance. We're gonna make this right." He smiled at Lance, trying to convey a sense of hope. "Whatever." Lance stared out the window at the palm trees swaying in the balmy breeze. He didn't want to look at JC or at Justin because at least they still had hope. They were still trying when he had no more energy to do so. The ride was just under an hour and they pulled down the road, Lance's heart jumping about in his chest. "I don't know," he stammered, seeing the hundreds of balloons still decorating the property. "Too late," Justin answered, hopping out. "Come on." Lance did so, letting JC take the large gift bag. The guests were long since gone, and he stepped over a pile of pony poo left behind. Streamers graced the side yard and a huge sign reading "Happy Birthday Kaylie" on it. Lance paused to run his fingers over her name, and promised himself he wouldn't cry. JC tugged at his arm. "It's going to be all right." Lance nodded, feeling the papers burning a hole in his pocket, crumpled and wrinkled and waiting for his name to be written on the dotted line. He watched as Justin pushed ahead, ringing the doorbell with a mischevious smile, his curls waving in that same breeze. Lance admired him, his solid nature and faithfulness. Only a true friend would do this, be with him at this time. Kaylie opened the door, her face blank as Justin grinned down at her. "Happy Birthday little one," he said, squatting down on his haunches. "I haven't seen you since you were yay big." He held his hand up to her shoulders, then tugged at one precious blonde ringlet, causing her to giggle. Her green eyes searched the strange man at the door, then she caught Lance, hovering behind. "Daddy!" she called out, tripping down the steps and over to him. Lance was speachless, his body tingled as he bent down to scoop her up. He buried his face in the crook of her neck, inhaling deeply. She smelled of baby powder and summer rain, all that was good and pure in life. "Happy birthday, sweetie," he cooed, closing his eyes and squeezing her tightly. "What in God's name are you doing here?" Lance snapped his head up to see Kaylie's mom standing there, a dishtowel in her hands, her face red with anger. "Lance?" She knocked Justin to the side and stormed down the steps. "This isn't good," she said, forcing a smile for her daughter. "You're confusing her." JC and Justin stood to the side, their hearts torn in two. They had an idea, not a terribly good one, but one they hoped would work. "Listen Kaylie," Justin said. JC began to sing, softly and lowly, keeping in tune with the songs harmony but adding his soul into it for Lance, for his friend. " "as long as sunlight lights the sky light of love will be found in these eyes of mind and I will shine that light for you you're the only one I'll ever give this heart o whate I'm trying to say is, nothing will change this they'll be not ime you won't find me there cause I will always be there you will always have all my love" Kaylie stared at JC singing, with Justin joining in. "Daddy, that's pretty," she smiled, wrapping her arms tighter around his neck. Lance nodded, unable to speak. He'd always thought of the song as a love song for a woman, but he realized that it was just a love song, a song that he could express his feelings for his baby girl. She was the only one he would give his heart to, the only one his eyes would shine for. He'd give it all up just for her, to be her daddy, to have her love him and look up at him with those eyes, eyes that matched his exactly. From the lawn, Kaylie's mother stood still, her anger bowing to the raw emotion emitting from the three of them. She shook her head, knowing Lance was not going to give up. She hoped in her heart that he was being truthful with himself, that he would indeed step up and not let Kaylie down anymore. When JC and Justin stopped singing, Kaylie clapped her little hands together. "Very good," she admired, kissing Lance's cheek. "I like them." Lance chuckled. "Me too." "Would you all like to at least come in for cake?" Kalyie jumped down and ran to her mom. "Good idea mommy," she grinned, reveling the idential dimple in her cheek as her fathers. Justin nodded. "Chocolate I hope?" He winked down at Kaylie. "Yup," she smiled, taking his hand in hers. "With butter pecan ice cream. My favorite." JC scooped up the bag of gifts and headed inside, leaving Lance with Kaylie's mom. Justin and Kaylie followed. "So, you think you're going to do this?" she asked, brushing her hair back. It had been a long tiring road being a single mom. "You think you can?" Lance nodded. "I will try. I'm not going to let her down. I grew up a lot, I want you to know that. I did. And what they said, what they sang? It's all what I feel only I never realized it." He shoved his hands in his pockets and blew a stream of air out of his mouth. "God, I really want to stay her dad." She smiled. "Come on in then. I want you to meet my fiance and get to know Kaylie some more." Her eyes met his and she touched his arm as he walked by, recalling that night so long ago when they'd laid together and created her. "I'm trusting you, Lance. Okay?" Lance swallowed hard. "I know. I won't let anyone down this time." |